Should DH move abroad for job alone or should we join him? Dilemma.

[insertrandomusernamehere]

DH has been offered a job abroad in a Middle Eastern country to start in a few weeks and he’s accepted. As happy as I am for him; I’m absolutely terrified of what life is going to be like alone, raising our very young DC (18m and almost 3 year old). Both DC are at nursery PT and will be doing longer hours from September when I’d planned to return to work. This job offer has completely thrown me. It means changing our lives entirely- the children having to settle at a new nursery and adjust to a new way of life is panicking me the most. Or, maybe I’m projecting and am worrying about how I’ll cope in an environment/culture that is materialistic/superficial/misogynistic?

My plans for September also included taking driving lessons and becoming a bit more independent with a car for my sake and the DC. Husband is desperate for us to move but I’m not sure what to do. Should I throw caution to the wind, move us all out with him (pack our lives into boxes by the 2nd of July) and see how life works out for us all? Or, should I wait it out and let my husband settle there first, pass probation and get the ‘lay of the land’ before we join him? Or, should I stay put with the DC and we can take turns visiting one another every half term/end of term? The latter would mean less disruption for DC (my absolute priority) since they’ll still have their nursery space and key workers and other children they’re familiar with and would also mean I can focus on myself a bit too- I’m itching to get back to work. I’m scared I won’t cope alone but I won’t know until I try it, will I?

One of my biggest worries is that I’ve had horrendous PND since the birth of my older DC and I’ve needed my husband’s support to get things done and look after the children when I’ve not had the energy to get out of bed. I’m scared, left to my own devices, I might crumble. Massively. Having said that, he’ll be working silly hours in his new job so it’s not as if he’ll be able to help me out there BUT nannies/house help is cheap I’m the ME so I’d be able to buy in help? But, then I’ll worry they’re out of the British system/way of doing things and how that will negatively impact them when we come back? Argh, as you can tell, I’m struggling with all this massively. Can someone shed any light on living abroad with young children? Or even guide me on what I should do next? I’m so, so lost right now.

Apologies for the garbled post. I’ve been trying to sleep for ages but sleep just isn’t coming right now because of my anxiety around this impending move.

There are many people who are travelling spouses, with children. In most countries you’ll find expat groups with lots of advice/support settling in, help navigating into new county, activities, get togethers and outings. I yore on FB, can I suggest you join Two Fat Expats group and then ask about the local expat group of the country/area you’re potentially moving to. You’ll find out info in places to live, nurseries/schools, where to shop - all sorts.

I first wanted to say that of course go, adventure, children still young, will be a fun experience etc etc. But reading your updates - no way.

Yes if he's out of work, he should take the opportunity, live frugally, try to get you out of debt and in the meantime, look for oher jobs closer to home.

For you - no way.

Our marriage is shit atm already so probably wouldn't survive the long distance which is why DH is probably insisting we move with him. We're currently doing couples counselling with mixed results. He wouldn't want custody of the DH if things went wrong- he knows how demanding being the primary parent is and he's not willing to sacrifice his wants and needs for the children. I'm scared I'd get there and be left just to get on with things

For this alone you are not in a good place to go. Get your driving licence, get your own job back on track and then review in 12 months if you want to reconsider a move.

ME may be great for solid marriages where the trailing spouse has their own plan or has signed up to the risks of being a trailing spouse but you also need a good package for the family and he doesn't have that. More cash from his job but cost of living is not cheap for expats paying their own way.

@MangosteenSoda

The OP said healthcare is included. She implied it’s somewhere adjacent to Dubai. So one of the other Emirates or Oman presumably.

You're right I missed that.

The only Emirate where family medical insurance is a legal requirement is (I think) AD. Not all Emirates even require the employee to have medical. Other countries all vary but usually only very minimal medical insurance is required by law if it is required.

Regarding places in that area - everyone always seems to like/love Oman but if it is Qatar, that's generally regarded as dull, boring and very hot but known to pay highest salaries.

@insertrandomusernamehere

It sounds a awful lot like he's running away from his problems;you've already said he struggles with family life so him going off to live alone without the pressure of a wife and kids at home is exactly what he wants.

Realistically after living alone thousands of miles away for 12 months with no responsibilities other than pleasing himself;is he really going to come home and start being a proper husband and father and doing his fair share of the housework/parenting etc?

Will he want to come home after 12 months?

I remember a poster who's DH moved out abroad on a temporary contract;he started going out most nights with his new friends over there,communication dwindled,the poster couldn't be sure if there was a OW and then her DH told her he was making the job permanent and planned to come home one weekend a month to see the kids.Their marriage was effectively over.

I wouldn't follow him out there;you need to stay here in your house and job.You've already acknowledged that you'd be a very vulnerable position if you moved.

Over those 12 months instead of concentrating on your DH;concentrate on you and what you want and need.This will give you an idea on what it will be like to live and parent the DC's alone;it'll give you idea of what you want at the end of it however this could be a chance for a clean break.

The overwhelming impression I get from your thread is that your DH is a selfish person in general.

For an extra £2k, is it worth it?

This is nuts, unless it was somewhere I wanted to live I would not be moving, and this would probably split us up. The job doesn't sound worth it at all. He should have turned it down.

Given the state if your marriage I think you would be mad to go. Recipe for disaster.

I think it is a really bad decision for him to go too at this stage, when you are in couples therapy. Surely getting your marriage back on track should be the priority

@insertrandomusernamehere

Our marriage is shit atm already so probably wouldn't survive the long distance which is why DH is probably insisting we move with him. We're currently doing couples counselling with mixed results. He wouldn't want custody of the DH if things went wrong- he knows how demanding being the primary parent is and he's not willing to sacrifice his wants and needs for the children. I'm scared I'd get there and be left just to get on with things.

Having lived the ex-pat life for a number of years in the Middle East and other places and seen plenty of 'trailing spouses' etc, I would say this.

1. Husbands who work alone overseas quite quickly find others to warm their beds - seen it a million times.

2.If your marriage is under pressure anyway then you need to factor in that a move to a strange country, different culture and away from any support you may have is going to be difficult and brings its own problems. It can be very lonely for the spouse left at home all day without a social group, transport, their own money etc.

1. Perhaps now is not the best time for him to be working away if you want to get your marriage back on track.

@ScottishNewbie

Aaaah.

With the added info, I would be staying here and squirrelling away money for when you need it. Make sure you have agreements from him about exactly how much money he will be giving you.

There's no way I would move to the Middle East with a rocky relationship.
You'll be stuck without your support system and young children.

Also, what is the incentive to him moving if the salary isn't great? That seems so odd?

Bear in mind that although a court may order him to pay money in the UK, it is almost impossible to enforce if he is overseas. Seen this happen too!

No way should you go. You’ll be isolated and alone in a different culture with two young kids where it’s too hot to do anything apart from hang out at a shopping centre AND you won’t have the emotional support of a good husband. I personally hate the Middle East (been lots for work) and it’s not somewhere I would ever want to live, especially with young children. I need greenery and the English countryside to be happy.

No I wouldn't move to the Me for love nor money. And it doesn't even sound like he has a good package.

Have you or your DH even visited the country you’re supposedly meant to be relocating to? Do you even like it?! You’d have to love it and want to be there to make it work in your scenario.

Another no here, based on your updates. You'll be alone without any support network. I'd stay here and build your own life with the DC. Good luck x

I wouldn’t go.
Stay here, get back to work, get your drivers licence, get your confidence and independence back. Then see.

OP please, please read what youllregretit wrote. Several times.

It seems to me that if you move to wherever it is your dh has found this job, there will be a colossal power imbalance in your relationship with you being totally dependent on him. And whether he has consciously acknowledged this fact or not, I believe that this is his main motivation.

You will be giving up so much! And for what? £2k a month? Your autonomy and happiness are worth so much more than that!

I urge you to find your strength and your voice and make the best decision for YOU and your children.

Stay where you are, go back to work, learn to drive. You will cope on your own with the children as you settle into a new routine. Start networking with other parents to build up a support network where you are if you have no family locally. Find a couple of reliable babysitters (sixth form students usually have their head screwed on and don't cost the earth).

In fact, I predict that you will positively flourish.

@insertrandomusernamehere reading this, this is my mother’s exact situation when I was growing up in the early 00s.

Big question, which Middle Eastern country? I saw you said neighbouring state to Dubai? Is it still UAE? If so the laws will be the same. I think don’t really pay too much attention to the hysteria over the Middle East. It’s very unlikely that you’d be prevented from leaving the country, especially because you are a British citizen. I’m really disappointed to read a lot of these cliches and stereotypes about the Middle East, for instance you won’t be treated like shit because you are a white family, actually the opposite. Many Middle Eastern countries pay brits and Americans more than their own people.

With regards to schools, they have a lot of international schools and nurseries that follow British and American curriculums and as their name suggests have a lot of international kids from all over the globe. Childcare is cheaper there and it’s very common to have cleaners, maids and nannies.

So, my fathers job was in saudi and this was early 00s, so it was even more regressive than it is now, he was also based in a very conservative town. Even with all of that, I do think it would have been very beneficial for us to have at least tried to move out there. We didn’t, my parents marriage crumbled and he began some very self destructive behaviour due to the loneliness. Obviously not saying that would happen in your circumstances, as my parents are unique in their dysfunction. But I do wish we tried it, even if we hated it, I think it would have been a great experience and we could have learned another language. His company would have paid for our schooling, housing for us and childcare and healthcare. In fact they covered everything, all DF had to pay was his food outside of work. Keeping in mind the country he was in and when, my dad didn’t exactly live a ‘shariah compliant’ lifestyle when he was out there, heavy smoker and drinker and as a non Muslim he obviously didn’t fast. All of it was turned a blind eye to, by his work and medical professionals (had to have an operation but they couldn’t due to residual blood alcohol content). Point of saying this is, yes we hear horror stories in the media but this is rare and as a Brit/ American/ European you wouldn’t have the hard time you’re assuming.

What’s DHs benefit package? Will they cover housing and the like? Flights back and forth? DF managed to get flights for all of us, for all around the world. As a result I’ve visited most of the Middle East and it’s not as you’d assume. In fact, I’d love to live there, uae in particular.

Just wanted to give you my experience of significant time out there xx

I'm sorry, ignore my post about medical insurance, I'd missed that the package covered it for the whole family.

Stay put. Let him work there if he wants but don't uproot your children especially as you have a support network here.

[quote Sleeplessem]@insertrandomusernamehere reading this, this is my mother’s exact situation when I was growing up in the early 00s.

Big question, which Middle Eastern country? I saw you said neighbouring state to Dubai? Is it still UAE? If so the laws will be the same. I think don’t really pay too much attention to the hysteria over the Middle East. It’s very unlikely that you’d be prevented from leaving the country, especially because you are a British citizen. I’m really disappointed to read a lot of these cliches and stereotypes about the Middle East, for instance you won’t be treated like shit because you are a white family, actually the opposite. Many Middle Eastern countries pay brits and Americans more than their own people.

With regards to schools, they have a lot of international schools and nurseries that follow British and American curriculums and as their name suggests have a lot of international kids from all over the globe. Childcare is cheaper there and it’s very common to have cleaners, maids and nannies.

So, my fathers job was in saudi and this was early 00s, so it was even more regressive than it is now, he was also based in a very conservative town. Even with all of that, I do think it would have been very beneficial for us to have at least tried to move out there. We didn’t, my parents marriage crumbled and he began some very self destructive behaviour due to the loneliness. Obviously not saying that would happen in your circumstances, as my parents are unique in their dysfunction. But I do wish we tried it, even if we hated it, I think it would have been a great experience and we could have learned another language. His company would have paid for our schooling, housing for us and childcare and healthcare. In fact they covered everything, all DF had to pay was his food outside of work. Keeping in mind the country he was in and when, my dad didn’t exactly live a ‘shariah compliant’ lifestyle when he was out there, heavy smoker and drinker and as a non Muslim he obviously didn’t fast. All of it was turned a blind eye to, by his work and medical professionals (had to have an operation but they couldn’t due to residual blood alcohol content). Point of saying this is, yes we hear horror stories in the media but this is rare and as a Brit/ American/ European you wouldn’t have the hard time you’re assuming.

What’s DHs benefit package? Will they cover housing and the like? Flights back and forth? DF managed to get flights for all of us, for all around the world. As a result I’ve visited most of the Middle East and it’s not as you’d assume. In fact, I’d love to live there, uae in particular.

Just wanted to give you my experience of significant time out there xx[/quote]
People aren't worried that the OP won't be able to leave the country, it's that she won't be able to take her children with her if she does. She will not have a housing allowance or a schooling allowance. And she's not worried that she'll be treated like shit because she's white, she's worried she'll be treated like shit because she isn't white.

Perhaps you should read the OP's posts again.

But I would say, if your marriage is volatile stay put. I don’t imagine local police being too great with domestic disputes.

@Clymene @insertrandomusernamehere definitely misread your post hun about being not white. Sorry hope no offense caused, it’s horrible but I do think that’s a legitimate worry.

Re leaving with children, from my experience that wouldn’t be an issue unless DH made a really big issue about it.

I’ve committed the cardinal sin of not rtft, but simply had to leap in and reiterate - DO NOT GO!

Nothing you’ve said (on the first page) makes me believe this will pan out well for you, and I work in this field, Stay put. There will be no benefit for you in this move.

I echo others who have said don't go

Stuck in an unhappy marriage in another country where you know no one? No way

Stay stay stay and build on your life here. You'll meet people through work, through your kids and you'll soon have a network of support

I have zero family support but have built up a fabulous network of friends over the years