Should DH move abroad for job alone or should we join him? Dilemma.

[insertrandomusernamehere]

DH has been offered a job abroad in a Middle Eastern country to start in a few weeks and he’s accepted. As happy as I am for him; I’m absolutely terrified of what life is going to be like alone, raising our very young DC (18m and almost 3 year old). Both DC are at nursery PT and will be doing longer hours from September when I’d planned to return to work. This job offer has completely thrown me. It means changing our lives entirely- the children having to settle at a new nursery and adjust to a new way of life is panicking me the most. Or, maybe I’m projecting and am worrying about how I’ll cope in an environment/culture that is materialistic/superficial/misogynistic?

My plans for September also included taking driving lessons and becoming a bit more independent with a car for my sake and the DC. Husband is desperate for us to move but I’m not sure what to do. Should I throw caution to the wind, move us all out with him (pack our lives into boxes by the 2nd of July) and see how life works out for us all? Or, should I wait it out and let my husband settle there first, pass probation and get the ‘lay of the land’ before we join him? Or, should I stay put with the DC and we can take turns visiting one another every half term/end of term? The latter would mean less disruption for DC (my absolute priority) since they’ll still have their nursery space and key workers and other children they’re familiar with and would also mean I can focus on myself a bit too- I’m itching to get back to work. I’m scared I won’t cope alone but I won’t know until I try it, will I?

One of my biggest worries is that I’ve had horrendous PND since the birth of my older DC and I’ve needed my husband’s support to get things done and look after the children when I’ve not had the energy to get out of bed. I’m scared, left to my own devices, I might crumble. Massively. Having said that, he’ll be working silly hours in his new job so it’s not as if he’ll be able to help me out there BUT nannies/house help is cheap I’m the ME so I’d be able to buy in help? But, then I’ll worry they’re out of the British system/way of doing things and how that will negatively impact them when we come back? Argh, as you can tell, I’m struggling with all this massively. Can someone shed any light on living abroad with young children? Or even guide me on what I should do next? I’m so, so lost right now.

Apologies for the garbled post. I’ve been trying to sleep for ages but sleep just isn’t coming right now because of my anxiety around this impending move.

Yes @Normaigai it might be a financial package rather than actual funded elements but it still needs to cover these expenses. Op, your dh is viewing it as bring an extended holiday for you but unless you have access to resources to facilitate the move and setting up a different lifestyle it won't be straightforward. Spending a month in a hotel room in a hot country, disorientated and with little support while he works, would be horrid.

@insertrandomusernamehere

Our marriage is shit atm already so probably wouldn't survive the long distance which is why DH is probably insisting we move with him. We're currently doing couples counselling with mixed results. He wouldn't want custody of the DH if things went wrong- he knows how demanding being the primary parent is and he's not willing to sacrifice his wants and needs for the children. I'm scared I'd get there and be left just to get on with things.

Based on this, my advice is 100%, without a shadow of a doubt, to stay here. For a thousand reasons which I don’t have time to type.

I’ve lived in the Middle East for years and can honestly say it was the best decision we made . I was full of trepidation and nerves and was homesick for a little bit .. but there are lots of expat families in the same position and you make friends fast if you want to. It’s a really lovely chilled family focused culture and whilst DH and I enjoy an occasional tipple it’s lovely to be out feeling safe and no boozed up groups anywhere . I forget to lock my car, leave my bag in it .. leave the door open and nothing happens. We have loved our time here and before COVID made regular trips home. It’s also given us a chance to focus on family life in a chilled, safe environment .. I will be sad to leave . I would say that having seen people come and go a lot of it is about mindset. Some people who don’t want to embrace their new experience find it difficult to settle . What’s ironic is I actually now feel more anxious when I go home .. getting the train home .. or walking past a group or taking the kids to the park after a certain time makes me nervous in England.

I can only talk from my personal experience, but in my personal experience, DON'T DO IT.
I moved to follow my husbands job four years ago and it has been a disaster. All of my supports were in my home country, my friends, my job, my ambitions for my future, my financial independence. Don't underestimate how much the physical landscape of where you live means to you. I felt utterly alienated from the physical surroundings of where I live now.

I threw myself in making a new life here but four years on it is still hard. I have some friends now, but not people I click with or feel comfortable with, in the way I did with people where I used to live.
For me it was compounded by the fact that my H had no appreciation or understanding of what I had done but just believed I needed to do it ' for the family'.

It destroyed me. It destroyed my past as I can't look back on that happily now, it destroyed my present and it destroyed my future as I am facing a much poorer much harder future that the early retirement on a comfortable pension I would have had.
I dont' know how old you are but don' t underestimate how hard it is to start over later in life. Other people have established friendship groups so it is harder to find people who have space for a new friend. Its harder to get a job and start over.

I can still remember that feeling of utter, utter loneliness when I arrived and realised I had nothing and no-one to turn to.

It is not your place to do over your own life to support the life your husband wants. It is for him to make choices about his priorities in life, not for you to put your priorities aside to support his.

And you can't just move back, as others say. If I took the kids and left I could be prosecuted for child abduction. It could go badly for me in a custody case.

If you have any doubts at all, don't do it.

Oh my god, just seen your marriage is shit atm. DON'T DO IT. Seriously. YOur marriage will not survive the move. DOn't move thinking your H will appreciate the sacrifice and your marriage will improve. I was stupid enough to think that. It destroyed our marriage. I absolutely hate him. It is hideous feeling trapped with someone you hate. Even if you loved him and your marriage was strong there would be the likelihood or resentment settting in as you found it hard to adjust to the new life. But if your marriage is already bad it is guaranteed.

OP don't be like me. And don't be like a previous poster, who posted similar to you, moved anyway and then was back on saying she was trapped in the new country as she couldn't take her kids back home and was having to leave him to start over in teh new country with no job.

Find your strength and say no. I bitterly regret fucking myself and my life over every day by moving here and I would not wish this pain on anyone.

Your medical care will be included as part of your expat package .. women’s health is amazing .. so quick and you can refer yourself to a specialist or for a blood test or scan .. the most expensive thing is imported foods but you quickly find just as good alternatives .. and there’s food from waitrose, Tesco and Sainsbury’s available ..

is why DH is probably insisting we move with him

The fact he is insisting tells you all you need to know. He has no right to 'insist' anything. This is your life.

TBH, I would recommend using this as the opportunity to make a clean break from your marriage.

I have read my post back and in no way expresses how awful things have been. I almost had a nervous breakdown. PM me if you want to.

By the way i have four kids and often Pre COVID travel by myself with them .. I’ve never been stopped from travelling with them.

I think with all you've said My answer would be 'no'

@desertcoffeeyoga

Your medical care will be included as part of your expat package .. women’s health is amazing .. so quick and you can refer yourself to a specialist or for a blood test or scan .. the most expensive thing is imported foods but you quickly find just as good alternatives .. and there’s food from waitrose, Tesco and Sainsbury’s available ..

Medical care is not always included in the package. Please don't make statements like these.

He's an arsehole in lots of ways but he's fair

Don't think this either. I thought that. Lots of women think that. Men are fair when they like you. Few people are fair to people they have come to dislike or feel aggrieved against. I never, ever would have believed my husband could turn into the man he has.

As part of an expat package legally the employer has to provide medical cover .. I live here!

By the way i have four kids and often Pre COVID travel by myself with them .. I’ve never been stopped from travelling with them

That has been changing slowly over the last two years and it’s becoming more and more common for the father to must be present at the airport to give permission for the children to leave. Either that or a letter of permission.

The Hague convention is now alive and well
In this part of the world.

That's kind of odd...will he get no expat allowances, housing support or anything? I struggle to see how an extra 2k, even after tax breaks will cover the extra costs of living in the ME and I know a bit about it. And will there be enough income for him to support you in the Uk as well as cover his own living costs? Flights home/out there? if he is going to be a tax exile, he will have limits on how many days he can spend in the UK and I belive he will pay tax where he is based. Are you SURE of your figures?

@chillied

I would not move to the middle East for anything. Let him go on his own, save up the maximum money. You stay here, get the kids settled, go back to work, get support from family and friends.

This

@desertcoffeeyoga

As part of an expat package legally the employer has to provide medical cover .. I live here!

Where? OP hasn't said which country. The law on this isn't even the same in different Emirates in the UAE, let alone in different GCV countries.

*GCC

No way in hell.
Stay where you are.
He can go and make money there.
If the marriage doesn't survive the distance it probably wouldn't have done anyway.
You say in one of your posts that your marriage is "shit".
It sounds like it is - he seems to have railroaded you into accepting him moving to the ME for a new job and expects you to go with him. There seems to have been little to no consideration of your needs or wants, never mind the children.

The OP said healthcare is included. She implied it’s somewhere adjacent to Dubai. So one of the other Emirates or Oman presumably.

Sorry haven't RTFT.
I wouldn't go if you like your job and it's a decent job. If you had no job I think it would be a bit different and an adventure together. But I think if you give up work for this you will be unhappy and resentful. I think actually the whole thing is a bad idea, it's not like he's going to make a stack of money. But maybe that's his only option.

You sound like you will be making all the sacrifices here. That’s not what marriage is all about. Your needs seem to come at the bottom of the list, which is not a good start.
I’ve never lived overseas but I have raised DC alone at the age yours are.
I would stay at home at least until probation was through, and insist on extra support through his wages. Cleaning, childcare etc.
If it’s possible to keep up the counselling remotely, do that too, and make a decision down the line.
Your career is important as is your ambition to learn to drive, and your general autonomy.
I wouldn’t just follow him out there and hope for the best.

If you do go, even for a visit, it may be worth getting him to supply you with signed / appostilled or notarised letters of consent for you to remove the children from the country without him. You’ll need to check what the regulations are from the relevant country particularly in terms of date of the letter BA date of travel, but you should ask for the original stamped documents (not a copy) before you travel there.

I’d go for 2 weeks, not a month if you only have one hotel room for all 4 of you. Just enough so you know what he is talking about in phone calls and have a sense of what it is like.
Then go home and work on yourself as well as working on your marriage to give you options.

You can always move over later, it doesn’t need to be right away. This should depend on finances, your work, what you can find out about schools etc. And the state of your marriage too

People keep saying things like this but it's not whether the package includes these benefits but what the total package is. If he's on AED100k a month, it doesn't matter whether he has housing and schooling included

Quoting OP:
"but his new salary isn't all that great". So by the sound of it, she's not talking about amounts that would easily allow decent housing, schools, flights etc.

"Your medical care will be included as part of your expat package" - that is not necessarily true. In some cases, it may only be the employee, not their family, whose basic medical care is part of the expat package. And medical insurance is very costly.

please OP do not go.

stay put. let him have the induction and see. he might not even get on and you have endured all that upheaval for nothing.

start your job, learn to drive, sort your kids.

I suspect you will settle into a nice rhythm and your DH can work round you and the DC!