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Original poster

Question for evangelical Christians or those who know about them. Help!

132 replies

Weetabecks · 20/06/2021 16:44

Bit long so as not to drip feed. I've had a really shit couple of years: bereavement, got divorced, downsized properties, physical and mental health problems (severe in both cases). Have been on and off friends/ acquaintance with a lady from when our DSons where in primary (they are now in a much bigger secondary and have drifted apart, amicably though, not fallen out). Friend invited me and some others to an Alpha style course which I attended (am into spirituality, "woo", meaning of life, etc but not really religious myself). Then we had a few Zooms like a pub quiz etc. Over lockdown. Which weren't especially religious just social. We went for a few walks. Then she invited me to a weekly prayer meeting. I said I couldn't go because of the day of the week; I always meet my school friends on this day (Zoom during pandemic and now irl again which is lovely). We have been doing this for years, it is non-negotiable and has been a source of support for me. I was kind of glad I had an excuse to avoid the prayer meeting 😳 However. Now there is a new prayer meeting on a different day of the week and friend has told me that she thought of me when she heard about the new session and might I want to come along? I just don't really want to. I am not sure if the new prayer meeting is because of me?? It is quite a small church compared to others i think.
I guess I just want to know whether my friend is actually that concerned about my immortal soul? (Maybe she isn't worried about it at all, I don't know?)
It isn't a Mormon or Jehovah's church, it is a Evangelical Christian one. So if you're Evangelical how would you feel about your friend politely declining your group? To what extent would you pursue someone who has showed a bit of interest in your faith? I feel a little bit like everyone at the Church is showing a bit too much interest in me. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What did you do? I am absolutely hopeless at confruntation, and I don't want to hurt my friend's feelings but at the same time I don't know if she is actually my "friend" or just someone who thought they could "save" me. (Plus, if I am honest, I am very lonely as aside from my own school friends I don't really have any other friends, I am still single and not ready for a new relationship yet). We have had other mutual friends through school over the years who are Muslim, Jewish and atheist (very atheist if that makes sense) and as far as I know she hasn't ever invited them to this much Church stuff.

Tldr: i want to know my Evangelical Christian friend's motives and how to proceed

OP posts:

Original poster

Weetabecks · 21/06/2021 10:42

Yeah you're right I did use my 'girls night' as an excuse to not attend. I just hate saying no to people PLUS I am socially awkward PLUS I don't know whether my friend is going to stop being my friend if I am honest with her. It is horrible.

OP posts:

RickiTarr · 21/06/2021 10:50

@Weetabecks

The Evangelicals think they HAVE to claim you for GOD, though. Think how strong that is. Your assertiveness needs to grow stronger than that.

I actually know some very nice evangelicals but their services scare me a bit. Speaking in tongues and people falling over. You’d feel far more socially awkward if they managed to get you along to one and you were trapped in one with dramatics all around. Dig deep!

FeistySheep · 21/06/2021 10:54

I'm a Christian, who has been to various different churches, with different styles. They are all evangelical though. Christianity is by nature evangelical, so there are no non-evangelical Christians. 'Evangelical' churches are maybe just more organised in their evangelism, more activities like the soup kitchen etc you mention. But all Christians should be telling other people about Jesus - that is what evangelism is.

What PP said about Christians 'needing to save' others in order to guarantee their own salvation is absolutely incorrect. There may be some very confused churches who do practise this, but that is not what the Bible teaches. The vast majority of Christians want other people to know Jesus too, because they believe it is the only way to heaven and because they want to share the joy they experience in following God. So, unless your friend is extremely unusual and/or confused herself, her motives will be based in care/love towards you, and nothing to do with 'getting numbers up'.

That said, you can still decline! Just say you're not wanting to go to a prayer meeting / it's too much just now etc. She'll absolutely understand. And you'll find out if she's a sincere friend or not when you discover whether she keeps wanting to hang out anyway (am sure she will)!

Interested in this thread?

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Philosophy & religion

RickiTarr · 21/06/2021 10:59

This church also does a lot of "outreach" - homelessness (soup kitchens etc), toddler groups, working with refugees and asylum seekers. I thought "good works" was a must in Christianity? Though perhaps I am mistaken. The amount of converts they attract must be vanishingly small.

It really varies. I like my services calm, and my theology moderate and my social action factor high.

So each time I’ve moved I’ve had to go “church shopping” for a nice mainstream Protestant church that doesn’t scare me with anything too dramatic but runs good projects to help the community, and I hate, hate, HATE churches that only help people if they can preach at them while they’re doing it. If you are going to give soup and sandwiches to the homeless, I don’t feel you should bang in about Jesus while you’re doing it. They know you’re the X project from Y church, so you hand over lunch and have a chat and that’s it, in my book. That’s the showing God’s love in action. You don’t have to bash everyone around the head with a bible constantly. I even changed denominations altogether once to join a church I liked which caused eyebrows.

So if you want to find a church like that, they are about. Or any other kind of church and it’s easier now to just go online and read the websites of individuals churches and suss out the style and the content and the extra curriculars.

RickiTarr · 21/06/2021 11:00

Oh, interesting X post there.

sneezypants · 21/06/2021 11:03

I believe that Jesus is the only way to heaven and am therefore really concerned about where my friends and family will spend eternity. I pray for them and long for them to be saved

I genuinely find this incredibly creepy.

lborgia · 21/06/2021 11:21

I think you need to detach from needing to keep her friendship at all costs. If it is because she wants you to be saved, then it's not really the right basis for the friendship, however hard that is.

Tbh, a lot of churches that aren't evangelical have taken on some of their tenets of recruiting new members, so it's not just evangelists.

I am very similar to you in many respects I think, and I've got myself in quite a pickle. Not least when someone at my local church tried to get me involved in something that turned out to be Amway, at the same time as the"welcomers" were keeping a very close eye on my comings and goings, and helpfully getting me into a situation where I felt I couldn't say no.

It's really hard because I find theology very interesting, and church very comforting, but these days there's no room to just sit at the back and absorb, or find your own way.

I am now realising that I just can't explore any of this stuff without setting off a chain of repercussions for which I'm not equipped.

You can be honest without being mean, and actually being really nice. You can say you've realised you're not interested in prayer group, or other elements of the church, but you've really enjoyed the chance to meet new people, and make a friend.

If you don't see her for dust, mourn, but realise it was a hologram. If she still drinks coffee with you, nuff said!

Original poster

Weetabecks · 21/06/2021 17:26

It's really hard because I find theology very interesting, and church very comforting, but these days there's no room to just sit at the back and absorb, or find your own way

This x 1000!

OP posts:

EducatingArti · 21/06/2021 18:24

I think there is room for this. If you are honest with your friend that this is what you want to do then o think she would respect it.

EssexLioness · 21/06/2021 18:31

I am autistic too and we are every vulnerable due to our social difficulties. It can be easy for other people to take advantage or manipulate us, even if we are bright and quite savvy. Please be cautious. I think you have some good advice already

Keha · 21/06/2021 18:35

I doubt she has chosen you or wants particularly to save you over anyone else. However, if you have shown an interest, she will probably pursue it unless you are clear with her. She believes she should be spreading the word of God and that you, like everyone, would be better off with Christianity in your life. I come have several friends and family members who are quite evangelical and grew up in an evangelical church. I'm still friends with them, we've agreed to disagree. I think you just have to tell her you don't want to.

AlexaShutUp · 21/06/2021 18:49

@RickiTarr

It really varies. I like my services calm, and my theology moderate and my social action factor high.

@RickiTarr, you are the kind of Christian whom I respect and admire. I don't share your belief system, but I do value your approach. I have known a few Christians who approach things in a similar manner and they are amazing people who do so much for people in need.

So very different from the earnest evangelisers who are terribly invested in sharing their faith and use any "good works" as a little more than a vehicle to hook people in - preying on the vulnerable, essentially. So self-satisfied and lacking in any real care or compassion.There is something incredibly smug and off-putting about those who seem to think that they have all the answers, especially as they often seem to be a bit lacking in critical thinking skills. So much better to focus on showing rather than telling. Far from reeling people in, I think the constant flag waving for Jesus just drives people away.

FeistySheep · 21/06/2021 18:51

@RickiTarr ah yes, now I've read it back I can see it looks like I meant that all Christians should be telling all people about Jesus all the time without relenting! I didn't mean that at all! I agree you can show love rather than tell, and this is better in some situations. But I stand by my point that all Christians should be evangelical, however it is they choose to spread the word.

OP, there are some churches where you can just lurk at the back and listen, if that's what you want. And nobody will invite you to stay for coffee/ask how your week's been. Might be a good starting point if you just want to find out more. But possibly these churches are not the best to stay in if you do decide to stay. Might be better to find a church with a strong community ethos instead, where they don't just ignore new people sitting at the back! While I can see it's a 'safe', non-committing way to try out the church, it's actually really rude if nobody really speaks to you. Just like if you turned up at badminton or knitting club for the first time I guess.

AlexaShutUp · 21/06/2021 18:58

But I stand by my point that all Christians should be evangelical, however it is they choose to spread the word.

I do understand why you believe this, and I guess it makes sense if you buy into the idea that Jesus is the only route to salvation, but it's probably the thing that pushes more people away from the church than any other. It was the absolute deal breaker for me. There is just something so horribly arrogant in the assumption that your beliefs are right and everyone else is wrong, that you somehow have access to a truth that you need to share with the unenlightened.

I do know that not all Christians subscribe to this, but I always find it disturbing when I come across it.

Undersnatch · 21/06/2021 19:03

My mum is an evangelical Christian and believes that if you are not ‘in a relationship’ with god/Jesus, that you are going to hell. I can see it is a source of great suffering to her that we are all destined for the big fire in her mind, so I have some sympathy, but it is a great source of hurt to me that she cannot accept my choices and thinks she knows better than me. So from the sounds of it your friend is likely to believe similarly and even with clear boundaries is going to have her sights on you as a potential person for saving.

VanillaSpiceCandle · 21/06/2021 19:06

Perhaps her intentions are honourable and she genuinely struck up a friendship with you and wanted to see if you’d like to be involved in something she cares about. I’m sure this is the case but tell her you were happy to explore the Alpha course but you’re not interested in participating further. This should be enough. If it’s not and you get pressure to continue then you’ll know she was only interested in getting you to join.

If you feel you’re a Christian but want a less involved part in the church I’d look to another branch. Maybe the CofE Protestant churches/high Anglican may be of more interest. I can only speak as a Catholic so can’t advise properly but sure others are out there - I feel the Quakers could fit? Of course you’ll be welcome in any church and you can just go and not return if it’s not for you.

FeistySheep · 21/06/2021 19:35

@Alexashutup I don't mean that I think Christians should ram their beliefs down others' throats. That is never a good idea!
But if you believe in God and believe the Bible is the word of God, it follows that you would obey what it tells you to do. And that is 'go out and share the gospel/spread the word'. A Christian who believes you can keep your faith a total secret... I'd wonder whether they've got the point of it at all. It's also a very odd way to behave in a human sense... If you DO believe that Jesus is the only way to salvation, isn't it pretty mean not to tell your loved ones about it?

OP, very sorry for derailing!

UnbeatenMum · 21/06/2021 20:05

It sounds like she's just misinterpreted your politeness as being more interested or having more of a faith than you actually do I'm a Christian, I've invited a few friends and family to special services over the years (e.g. Christmas) but I wouldn't invite someone to a prayer meeting unless I thought they had a personal faith and would actually want to come.

AlexaShutUp · 21/06/2021 20:15

[quote FeistySheep]@Alexashutup I don't mean that I think Christians should ram their beliefs down others' throats. That is never a good idea!
But if you believe in God and believe the Bible is the word of God, it follows that you would obey what it tells you to do. And that is 'go out and share the gospel/spread the word'. A Christian who believes you can keep your faith a total secret... I'd wonder whether they've got the point of it at all. It's also a very odd way to behave in a human sense... If you DO believe that Jesus is the only way to salvation, isn't it pretty mean not to tell your loved ones about it?

OP, very sorry for derailing! [/quote]
No, I totally get where you're coming from, and I completely understand the internal logic that, if you believe that Jesus is the only way to salvation (whatever that actually means to you), then you will probably feel compelled to share it. I guess it's just that the very concept of that is so incredibly offensive to me that it doesn't align at all with the concept of a loving god, so that renders the entire thing unbelievable and nonsensical in my mind.

RickiTarr · 21/06/2021 20:16

@RickiTarr ah yes, now I've read it back I can see it looks like I meant that all Christians should be telling all people about Jesus all the time without relenting! I didn't mean that at all! I agree you can show love rather than tell, and this is better in some situations. But I stand by my point that all Christians should be evangelical, however it is they choose to spread the word.

No, I know you didn’t. The unplanned juxtaposition just tickled me.

Original poster

Weetabecks · 21/06/2021 20:16

@Undersnatch

That must be really hard for you. I'm sorry ☹

OP posts:

RickiTarr · 21/06/2021 20:20

Thanks @AlexaShutUp for your lovely post.

Siepie · 21/06/2021 20:30

I grew up in evangelical Christianity, but left in my 20s. From childhood, I was taught that it was up to me to 'save' my friends. They were genuinely my friends, which is why I didn't want them to suffer eternally and so invited them to church, prayed for them, etc. If a friend wasn't interested in Christianity, I still loved them and stayed friends with them.

Some other people in the church deliberately made friends with 'unchurched' often vulnerable people, just to try and convert them. They would drop people who weren't interested in Christianity. If this is what your friend is like, she might not want to stay friends- but if you found out that she only wanted to be friends in order to convert you, would you want to stay friends with her anyway?

annacondom · 21/06/2021 20:33

I am a Christian and enjoy going to Bible study but I feel very uncomfortable at prayer meetings, and I've told people that I prefer to keep my prayers private. I don't enjoy listening to people's ramblings. Just be honest with your friend xx

RickiTarr · 21/06/2021 20:39

@Weetabecks

It's really hard because I find theology very interesting, and church very comforting, but these days there's no room to just sit at the back and absorb, or find your own way

This x 1000!

If you do want or try church, without the pressure, you might do best to try the Church or England church finder directory.

CofE is very mainstream and if you look through your local listings the “high Anglican (Anglo-Catholic) churches will make reference to services called “Mass” which will be very “smells and bells” (incense and chanting), and on the other end of things, the most evangelical CofE churches should be easy to spot (but won’t be as evangelical as the independents) and hopefully you’ll find some in between ones with community cafes or similar. That might be a good place to pop in and attend a Sunday morning service or visit a cafe.

Quakers are also a friendly lot with many lovely things about their approach but for me, because I also have aspergers, I find their services worryingly lacking in structure and don’t know what I should be doing when it falls silent. In a middle of the road, Anglican service there’s a fairly obvious rhythm of prayer, hymn, sermon, hymn etc and you can just hold hymn book and follow along with the displayed hymn numbers and what everyone else does. But start with a community thing instead of a service, if it’s easier. Good luck with it.

www.achurchnearyou.com/

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