Ashamed of my appearance

[ChinaMug]

That's just it. I'm ashamed of my appearance and how I look.

I feel embarrassed making an effort - doing my hair and make up because it makes little difference and yet it looks like I'm bothered by what I look like.

I just feel huge shame all the time. I struggle to make eye contact with people because of it. I feel inadequate and inferior around attractive women. I don't have relationships because of it.

I just really struggle with it.

Can you explain further please? Why are you ashamed, and how long have you felt like this?

Hi China. What is it about your appearance that you feel ashamed about? Is it something someone has said or something you feel is wrong?

I am exactly the same. I hate it. I feel so embarrassed all the time and never want to do anything to draw attention to myself because of it. This week I cried because I got invited to a hen day at the thought of spending a day with other women knowing they would all look lovely.

So sorry you feel like this, OP. Often as not other people have given us an idea about our worth and it’s stuck. I’ve been the same for most of my life as a result of lots of bullying at school, rejection and other issues. I’m not here to say I feel vastly better now, just that understanding how much of your feelings rightfully belong to other people helps, and I personally found getting angry about the messages I’d been given has helped, too, in that it’s given me the energy to challenge bad behaviour in others and to change things in my own life.

I can't remember not feeling like it.

I knew I was unattractive as a child and was ashamed of the fact I had my hair cut and was dressed in such a way that people couldn't tell if I was a boy or a girl. I was mocked for my looks when I was a child and there is a photo of me wearing a dress at about 9 years old. I can still remember the shame and humiliation I felt. I felt uncomfortable in a dress and embarrassed that pretty dresses were only for pretty girls.

I struggled through my teens as many of us do. I was excruciatingly self conscious that I would knock tables over in pubs with my huge body. This is when it was set for me.

I started dating at 18 and my experiences just confirmed what I already thought about myself.

I'm 47 now and I'm embarrassed and ashamed by all of it.

@RosieLemonade

I am exactly the same. I hate it. I feel so embarrassed all the time and never want to do anything to draw attention to myself because of it. This week I cried because I got invited to a hen day at the thought of spending a day with other women knowing they would all look lovely.

I understand. I've turned down similar invitations because of it.

@Sarahlou63

Hi China. What is it about your appearance that you feel ashamed about? Is it something someone has said or something you feel is wrong?

Both.

I have some physical characteristics that I was criticised/mocked for but.growing up. Men I've dated have commented on similar.

I just feel thoroughly unattractive and undesirable.

Honestly no one should feel like this and the answer could be therapy and self esteem but I'd be tempted to find out what you could actually do about the bits you hate, a new hair cut? Botox? A facial? Anything that would give you a bit of confidence really!
I'd tell you it's surely not as bad as you think but not sure it would mean much from an anonymous stranger

I'm sorry you feel like this op.

I’m really sorry to hear that you feel like this - I didn’t know anyone did, really.

I've had therapy many times over the years. I know what they're going to say now and it just doesn't make any difference.

Even if I see myself differently it doesn't change what others see. I've been hurt too many times, in one way or another, because I tried to believe others could see me differently.

I couldn't have treatments. I can't bear the thought of someone else touching my face or getting that close to me. I wouldn't actually admit to anyone in real life that I feel like this.

Chinamug I'am so sorry you feel this way, I bet you are a lovely, kind, thoughtful person. I have recently commented on another post concerning others judgement but I find our own judgement on ourselves the most destructive. (In my case it was learned behaviour from my parents) I found that changing my friendship group helped as previously I was gravitating towards the 'gaslighters' who were bad for my mental health but who confirmed what I believed in myself they were critical of my clothes, hairstyle and lifestyle choices. Funny how happy I'am now that I live my life for me.

You are an individual, one in a billion, be the best version of you and don't let others put you down. Funny how the group of my detractors only associate with each other now, I think all the sensible people have followed my lead and binned them off.

It's a difficult world to live in these days, if you're unhappy with your appearance.
Your worth and validity as a human being seems to be determined by how you physically appear and that's so hard, especially if you don't believe you meet 'the standard'
I've always been unhappy with how I look, I find things constantly to criticise myself about, be it weight, my face, the shortness of my limbs etc, so I get what you mean.
We could all try to placate you with words and so on on here, but you won't feel better. I know. I understand.
So, I think you need to be practical. What can YOU do to feel better? Is it a good cut and colour hair wise? Do you need to get more exercise (good for physical and mental health)? Do you need to get some advice regarding clothing?
I get it OP. It's hard. And it's hard to change your mindset. But once you try to make little changes and try to focus on positive thoughts,it can be done.
Good luck x

It must be so hard to feel like that.

I found reframing how I thought about my body in terms of what it can do helpful. Focussing on fitness rather than appearance was good for my self esteem.

Thank you. I am lovely,.kind and thoughtful and am told these things. Which is lovely but not what holds me back either.

My friends would never say anything critical of each other in this respect. But I wouldn't talk to them about it anyway.

I would try reframing your thoughts. Instead of focusing on the things you don't like about your body....try thinking of all the things you are grateful for. Grateful for being able to walk, to get yourself from A to B, grateful for being able to get into nature if you choose to, grateful that you have a functioning body. A lot of people don't have their health, are physically restricted and would love to be in your shoes, honestly.

@KezzabellaB

It's a difficult world to live in these days, if you're unhappy with your appearance. Your worth and validity as a human being seems to be determined by how you physically appear and that's so hard, especially if you don't believe you meet 'the standard' I've always been unhappy with how I look, I find things constantly to criticise myself about, be it weight, my face, the shortness of my limbs etc, so I get what you mean. We could all try to placate you with words and so on on here, but you won't feel better. I know. I understand. So, I think you need to be practical. What can YOU do to feel better? Is it a good cut and colour hair wise? Do you need to get more exercise (good for physical and mental health)? Do you need to get some advice regarding clothing? I get it OP. It's hard. And it's hard to change your mindset. But once you try to make little changes and try to focus on positive thoughts,it can be done. Good luck x

You're absolutely right.

My dad died about 10nyears ago and, during the last few the of his life, I put on about 3 stone just trying to juggle work and visiting him.

I lost 2 stone shortly after his death nd, even though I was still a stone heavier than before, I felt great about myself.

However, it didn't stop other people from commenting. I still have that last stone to lose but I've felt like this since primary school. I know that that last stone will make no difference to how I feel about myself or comments others will make. It never has.

I did try confiding in a past boyfriend about how I felt about myself. I don't know what I was looking for - certainly not compliments or reassurance but maybe a bit of a different perspective about how different looks/appearances/bodies are attractive but he pretty much just confirmed I was right.

I just wish it didn't bother me so much. I'm utterly preoccupied by it at the moment.

Do you judge other people's appearances or only your own? Do you look at people you perceive as being "better looking`' than you but ignore those you think of as the same as you?

Oh sorry. I've done all the 'make over' type stuff - I only wear clothes rather suit me, I get my hair cut and coloured regularly. I take time out of my week to take care of myself but it doesn't really change anything.

I have many things that I dislike about my appearance but gradually I’ve been able to focus on the bits I do like. I have nice eyes, nice collar bone. Little things.

I please myself rather than aim to please others.

@Sarahlou63

Do you judge other people's appearances or only your own? Do you look at people you perceive as being "better looking`' than you but ignore those you think of as the same as you?

I notice people who are better looking than me. I compare myself to others constantly and either find myself lacking or on a par with.

Although I rarely think anything negative about someone else appearance.

China, strangely enough it's 10 years ago today that my dad died. I understand how you feel about that too.
I lost 10 stones a few years back but then put at least half of that back on and have felt a failure since so I get you. Instead of focusing on the weight I kept off, I focus on my failings. Why do we do this?
However, I'm currently trying to lose 3st so that I can have an operation (I'm actually a lot more overweight than that though) and I've started going to the gym. I'm astounded by how much better mentally I feel. Don't get me wrong I'm no gym bunny (ha! Even the thought that I could be perceived as that is hilarious to me 🤣) but it does help. I don't look in the mirror and like what I see, but I appreciate how much more 'loose' I feel and how healthier I am. I focus on how much less out of breath I am when I climb hills, rather than how I look in the mirror.
I doubt I'll ever feel 'enough' but if I can get to a stage where I'm 'OK' I'll be happy.

@ChinaMug

Oh sorry. I've done all the 'make over' type stuff - I only wear clothes rather suit me, I get my hair cut and coloured regularly. I take time out of my week to take care of myself but it doesn't really change anything.

No, it won't - because it's what you believe that matters, not what you look like.

I was also mistaken for a boy throughout my childhood (until my tits sprouted!) and hated my short hair so I understand how you felt.

The problem is you've convinced yourself from an early age that you are not "..... enough" (insert the word of your choice - pretty/good/lovable) - and that 'core belief' has led you to look for validation that what you think is correct throughout your life; because no one likes to be proved wrong.

So if one person said you look great, and another said you look terrible (has anyone really said that to your face?) you would automatically discount the first comment and totally believe the second. Does that make sense?

@Seesawmummadaw

I have many things that I dislike about my appearance but gradually I’ve been able to focus on the bits I do like. I have nice eyes, nice collar bone. Little things.

I please myself rather than aim to please others.

I have done the same but the parts I like about myself are small, unnoticeable and irrelevant.

Not the things I've been criticised for by others.

It's not about trying to please others.