Ashamed of my appearance

[ChinaMug]

That's just it. I'm ashamed of my appearance and how I look.

I feel embarrassed making an effort - doing my hair and make up because it makes little difference and yet it looks like I'm bothered by what I look like.

I just feel huge shame all the time. I struggle to make eye contact with people because of it. I feel inadequate and inferior around attractive women. I don't have relationships because of it.

I just really struggle with it.

Strikethrough fail!!

I can relate OP and my mum certainly didn’t help matters but life experience has also shown me I’m not attractive. I also don’t make an effort because in my head I think “you can’t polish a turd”. Which is an awful thing to say, but I’m saying it to myself! A good haircut and some make up still wouldn’t make me look “good” so why waste the time and money?

I don’t have low self esteem in other areas. I think I’m clever, funny, interesting etc. So is it then still a self esteem issue? I don’t know. I’m not sure I have any answers for you, other than letting you know you’re not alone.

All I will say is the older you get the less it matters in my experience. Once I turned 50 I found it easier. I also focus on areas of life that bring me joy. And I don’t look in the mirror very often! Oh and clothing wise I don’t tie myself in knots trying to find stuff that will suit my weirdly shaped body! If I see something I like and I know it would make me happy to wear it then I get it. Because then even if I don’t look fantastic I at least feel positive about what I’m wearing.

Well just this morning I was thinking "Crikey! I look like shit!". That is down to illness and meds. I may have also 'slipped' in my routine! I refuse to bet myself up about it though!

I might feel the same if I'd only thought it this morning but I've had this drummed into me since I was a child and reinforced ever since.

When I was a teenager/into 20s, if I was out with my mum and a man/boy looked at me she'd ask if I'd seen him looking at her. I asked once issue ever considered he might be looking at me. She looked puzzled akd said "why would he be looking at you?" If I ever told her a boy had looked at me it was because he couldn't believe how ridiculous I looked.

I had no confidence in teens and never had any where my looks were concerned since.

@Meruem

I can relate OP and my mum certainly didn’t help matters but life experience has also shown me I’m not attractive. I also don’t make an effort because in my head I think “you can’t polish a turd”. Which is an awful thing to say, but I’m saying it to myself! A good haircut and some make up still wouldn’t make me look “good” so why waste the time and money?

I don’t have low self esteem in other areas. I think I’m clever, funny, interesting etc. So is it then still a self esteem issue? I don’t know. I’m not sure I have any answers for you, other than letting you know you’re not alone.

All I will say is the older you get the less it matters in my experience. Once I turned 50 I found it easier. I also focus on areas of life that bring me joy. And I don’t look in the mirror very often! Oh and clothing wise I don’t tie myself in knots trying to find stuff that will suit my weirdly shaped body! If I see something I like and I know it would make me happy to wear it then I get it. Because then even if I don’t look fantastic I at least feel positive about what I’m wearing.

I used to think the same about myself - you polish shit. It's one of the reasons why I make little effort and don't say anything to anyone that could be construed as seeking a compliment (so I never ask if I look OK for example). Whe I was 23, I asked then bf if I looked nice before a night out. His reply was, 'I suppose so but you can't polish shit." His words stuck and bow, 24 years later, they still pop into my head.

The thing is, I don't want to get to 50 and not care anymore.i don't want to accept that I'm going to leave this world never having had a meaningful or positive relationship experience.

And all my friends over 50 look great and still care.

@Sarahlou63

Your mother really did do a number on you, didn't she? Her thoughtlessness/cruelty or narcissism has blighted your life. You can change it though - the past does not equal the future.

When you had your 'major mental shift' 5 years ago, what triggered it? And why did you abandon that confidence? If it was because of the comments of others it suggests you had changed on the surface but you hadn't successfully refuted the lessons from your childhood.

Have a look at this information on core beliefs and how to challenge those deep seated facts lies your mother instilled into you.

I suppose she did.

It was probably a little longer ago than 5 years. I'd lost 2 stone amd I felt great. I had my hair cut and coloured differently and I decided to believe all the confidence is attractive crap. I abandoned it because the criticisms increased. That was probably the worst time for it tbh.

It is very painful to read that any human being could feel like this . You do matter and people do care about . Your friends who asked you to the hen party WANTED your company. I dont have any more suggestions that are better than those already posted . But I hope you are able to find your way to inner peace with yourself.

The thing is, we don't owe it to the world to be attractive.
It is not a job that women must undertake, on pain of being worthless if we don't acquire universal male approval. It's not a job we are obligated to anyone to do.

You probably look fine.

But what if you just thought: ok. Not my job. I get to do other things. What then?

It is not a job that women must undertake, on pain of being worthless if we don't acquire universal male approval. It's not a job we are obligated to anyone to do.

Unfortunately for women, that's not how they seem to see it.

But what if you just thought: ok. Not my job. I get to do other things. What then?

In good periods, I do think that. I still do things I want to do I'm just constantly aware of it.

What if everything that your mother said to you was because she felt threatened by your youthful good looks? Or because her own mother did the same thing to her?

What if the men who have been cruel to you did so because they knew that it was a surefire way to hurt you, not because it was objectively true?

If I ever told her a boy had looked at me it was because he couldn't believe how ridiculous I looked. If a friend told you that her mother had said this to her, would you be shocked at the mother's nastiness?

So, you consider yourself to be unattractive. Do you also consider yourself to be uneducated or unkind to strangers or terrible at your job or a bad friend? What else do you know about yourself to be true that is a positive, and why do you know that fact?

Well I would obviously be shocked if someone told me their mum had said similar.

I have confidence in my intelligence and intellectual capabilities. I know that socially I'm a bit awkward at times and I'm OK with that. I know that I'm kind and thoughtful. I don't think I'm terrible at my job and I know which aspects I'm good at and which I struggle with. I do lack confidence in myself professionally at times but then a lot of people do. I know these things because I have 'proof'. I have a first class degree and an MSc; I get positive feedback from others about how I treat other people. Peoplemhave commented on my social.awkwardness at times and I've been able to work on some aspects of that so I'm less so now. So if I'm to take feedback from others on those things then Iust also take feedback from others about other things too.

You sound like a pretty cool, self aware, good person - there's just this one aspect of your life where you revert back to that bullied 9 year old.

Please, please do some research on core beliefs and negative automatic thoughts. I promise you you will not be wasting your time.

So from what you say, the people in your life appreciate many good things about you. But you're caught in the idea that it is somehow your job and a determinant of your worth to be physically attractive. And it's not.

@cordeliavorkosigan

So from what you say, the people in your life appreciate many good things about you. But you're caught in the idea that it is somehow your job and a determinant of your worth to be physically attractive. And it's not.

Yes. That pretty much sums it up. Intellectually, I know it's wrong. Emotionally, I get stuck in it.

Sarahlou63

Can you recommend anything to read or watch?

@coodawoodashooda

This is the best article I've found on Core Beliefs;

www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

This is a bit more technical;

positivepsychology.com/core-beliefs-worksheets/

And this is a good one on Automatic Negative Thoughts;

www.resilient-mindset.com/2012/10/22/negative-automatic-thought/

And a video (there are lots);

I have no words op except that my mother told me from my infancy that only pretty girls could wear pink. I was a mouse brown need as far as she was concerned who was quiet and, well, mousy. Nothing I have ever done has been good enough for her and I am 61 now. I think my epitaph will be "she tried to please her mother".

MNet has taught me that my mother is a classic narcissist and I can see now the harm she did to my self esteem. I can also see that more damage was not done because I am incredibly resilient. Looks and personality were everything to mother and as far as she was/is concerned I don't have any. She is also very damning about our lifestyle and runs it down constantly and regularly tells me she expected better and I shouldn't be working full-time and should be spending more time on myself.

My dd who is 23 suffers from depression and anxiety and I can't imagine the harm my mother would have done to her.

I think you allow yourself to believe your mother and therefore you self sabotage before anyone else can hurt you as much again.

I don't know what the answer is but I bet you aren't unattractive at all and you wouldn't have had so many relationships if you weren't pretty great inside and out. Somewhere along the line the hurts have been magnified and your comment abouten looking at your mother rather than you really resonates. My mother was a dancer and model and incredibly gorgeous. She has also been married three times and I know that people she knows that she has fallen out with know she is the problem too. I, on the other hand was not a party girl and am not obsessed with my appearance.

Deep down I have never felt pretty or great or a failure as a person. Just a failure as a daughter.

Now stack up my mother's criticisms and despite some snarky comments occasionally, I have also been told at various times that others find me beautiful and I've tried to focus on that rather than the snark. And how I wish I was a size 12! Disect her comments about our lifestyle and her issue is that I drive a sensible family car, and dress fairly modestly. We also like a fairly quiet social life that doesn't revolve around big parties or any flashdom unlike the people she likes to mix with. She just can't see beyond that and her fall back is criticism. It took me until I 50 and my dd said "God mum, how did you put up with her, she never stops and no I'm not staying at hers for a week in summer, she flattens me" to realise I had a mother problem rather than a me problem.

Hold your head high op, smile and stride on. If it helps to have a style session and have your colours done then do it but to me at 61 you have so.mich time ahead at 47. You can't change the past only the future and I hope you have a fab future. Go Well. Good Luck.

PS: Philip Larkin, "They fuck you up your mum and dad".

Sarahlou63

I think you've just saved me thousands in therapy. Thank you very much.

It is hard I hate my appearance. I sometimes make an effort but then think " is this it? Is this the best I can do" it all seems pointless

China mug, I had a couple of clients a few years ago who ended up losing a lot of weight because in the end we spoke so much about mental health and how it might give them an emotional and mental reset, on a biological level. Sometimes weight loss - I'm talking 3 stone, something of that magnitude - can create a major hormonal shift that can just transform a person. I'm not just talking about the standard exercise helps mental health, etc. More the phenomenal hormonal and biological shift that I wonder might also help you.

It would be glib of me to say just try to lose weight. That's not the point of this post at all - I think you sound beautiful and our culture is ridiculous and appearance obsessed. But it's affecting your life in a major way. Maybe over time it'd be useful to think of weight loss as nothing more than a major way to shift hormones to a place where you are biologically in a much healthier functioning place, which might help you. Forget about how it changes how you look and concentrate on the biological processes and what a profound effect that might have. Just a thought.

RosesAndHellebores

Sorry for your experiences. I had a similar epiphany with my son. I've been nc with her for many years now for a number of reasons. I have an adult son. She bumped into him a couple of years ago when he was at work and approached him - completely inappropriately. She didn't even ask him how he was but she launched into full victim/your mum... mode. He said afterwards that he'd never doubted me or what I'd said but he'd not appreciated the impact until he was on the receiving end of it.

I already knew that I had a 'mum' problem but so.much of what she said has been echoed by other people and, even when they aren't saying it, I'm saying it to myself. I simply can't imagine having a real relationship because I just can't get past how I see myself.

Polkadots2021

Thank you. I only have a stone to lose to get to the middle of the healthy bmi range. I'm currently looking into low carb/keto because I've read some amazing things about its ability to regulate hormones and improve mental health etc. What you said makes a lot of sense.

@ChinaMug start listening to you and stop hearing some of them echo your mother. Honestly bf one told me about my physical faults. Bf 3 was obsessed with model thin. BF2 (lovely chap) got away because mother had screwed me up so much; thank goodness I accepted myself when bf4 came along - 32 years ago.