Ashamed of my appearance

[ChinaMug]

That's just it. I'm ashamed of my appearance and how I look.

I feel embarrassed making an effort - doing my hair and make up because it makes little difference and yet it looks like I'm bothered by what I look like.

I just feel huge shame all the time. I struggle to make eye contact with people because of it. I feel inadequate and inferior around attractive women. I don't have relationships because of it.

I just really struggle with it.

@KezzabellaB

China, strangely enough it's 10 years ago today that my dad died. I understand how you feel about that too. I lost 10 stones a few years back but then put at least half of that back on and have felt a failure since so I get you. Instead of focusing on the weight I kept off, I focus on my failings. Why do we do this? However, I'm currently trying to lose 3st so that I can have an operation (I'm actually a lot more overweight than that though) and I've started going to the gym. I'm astounded by how much better mentally I feel. Don't get me wrong I'm no gym bunny (ha! Even the thought that I could be perceived as that is hilarious to me 🤣) but it does help. I don't look in the mirror and like what I see, but I appreciate how much more 'loose' I feel and how healthier I am. I focus on how much less out of breath I am when I climb hills, rather than how I look in the mirror. I doubt I'll ever feel 'enough' but if I can get to a stage where I'm 'OK' I'll be happy.

for you today.

That's the thing. I'm not that fussed about the last stone. I put on 3, lost 2 and was quite happy with where I was. I'm currently a 12. I don't castigate myself for not having lost it. I know it won't make any difference either to how I feel about myself or how others see me.

Pre-covid, I went to the gym once a week and to yoga. Never going to be 'fit' or, as you say, a gym bunny but I felt better in myself but I still had negative comments from others and still felt ashamed.

Hi! I obviously do not know what you look like but it’s really not all about the physical. I have a friend and I feel horrible saying this but she is physically quite a plain person. However she is so lovely in the way she carries herself, posture manners gracefulness and she is so feminine. Effort with hair clothes and make up and believe me she gets loads of attention. You can get a pretty girl who is rough talking and doesn’t carry herself well and she comes across as not attractive. My neighbor is like this and I’ve always thought of her as unfortunate looming until I saw a pic of her kn Facebook and she has such a pretty face but you really don’t see it when you are around her. Sorry to ramble and hope it made a bit of sense, carry yourself we’ll be graceful snd believe you are lovely and do will others.

Who are these people who are negatively commenting on your appearance? They don’t sound like people you need in your life.

It’s not normal OP to feel like this and it makes me sad hearing that someone feels this way. Something in your past has trained your mind to believe your appearance is all that matters and because you are not physically attractive you are worthless. Most people are average looking and I bet my bottom dollar you are too,.

Our lives are not Victoria Secrets runway shows, don’t fall for that shit, come off Instagram, Facebook, switch off shit reality TV, get that mind focussed on something.I’m 50 I go to a kickboxing class, it’s changed my life, taken me years to learn it, but my self esteem has hit the roof.Find your thing and you will find your people, who will make you feel like the wonderful person you are.

*I lost 2 stone shortly after his death nd, even though I was still a stone heavier than before, I felt great about myself.

However, it didn't stop other people from commenting. I still have that last stone to lose but I've felt like this since primary school. I know that that last stone will make no difference to how I feel about myself or comments others will make. It never has.*

Who are ‘these people’. You said friends don’t say unkind things to you and it’s not something that’s discussed. So who is saying the negative stuff?

I lost 2 stone shortly after his death nd, even though I was still a stone heavier than before, I felt great about myself.

However, it didn't stop other people from commenting. I still have that last stone to lose but I've felt like this since primary school. I know that that last stone will make no difference to how I feel about myself or comments others will make. It never has.

Who are ‘these people’. You said friends don’t say unkind things to you and it’s not something that’s discussed. So who is saying the negative stuff?

The problem is you've convinced yourself from an early age that you are not "..... enough" (insert the word of your choice - pretty/good/lovable) - and that 'core belief' has led you to look for validation that what you think is correct throughout your life; because no one likes to be proved wrong.

Yes, that makes sense.

So if one person said you look great, and another said you look terrible (has anyone really said that to your face?) you would automatically discount the first comment and totally believe the second. Does that make sense?

I've been told I'm too fat, less likely to cheat because I wasn't pretty enough and 'hideous' to my face by boyfriends. Obviously, they didn't stay boyfriends for long after that...

I don't really get compliments. I don't expect them either. On the rare occasions I do, I just feel very uncomfortable and remember why not having them is preferable.

It's hard to explain without going into.loads of detail.

I don't 'not care about.my appearance- my hair is always nice. It's just below shoulders, wavy and dark. I never put it up or do anything or interesting with it became I feel that's just drawing attention to myself and I feel uncomfortable about that. That sort of thing.

I try not to show how I feel about myself to others - I never criticise myself - but I feel it all the time.

I felt the same for a very long time. Also had short hair in childhood (boy type cut) and mainly dressed in boys clothes and I think that stuff had quite an impact interestingly. Bullied about appearance in teens by boys about facial features and short hair (not sure why I continued with the short hair!) also was really difficult. Having therapy and taking ownership of my appearance and what I wanted to look like has majorly helped though. Now confident enough.

I am really sorry you feel this way. I really don't know the answer, but one thing I can say is, people aren't really paying attention to other people's appearances much. Most of the people we meet don't think about how we look and judge, they just look at us as individual person, that is it, I think.
Looking after yourself and trying to look nice do give people good impression generally too, that means you care and respectful to others, imo.

(The reason I say about taking ownership is sometimes I felt like just giving up with what I looked like then I decided to let myself look how I wanted to)

@justanotherneighinparadise

*I lost 2 stone shortly after his death nd, even though I was still a stone heavier than before, I felt great about myself.

However, it didn't stop other people from commenting. I still have that last stone to lose but I've felt like this since primary school. I know that that last stone will make no difference to how I feel about myself or comments others will make. It never has.*

Who are ‘these people’. You said friends don’t say unkind things to you and it’s not something that’s discussed. So who is saying the negative stuff?

Comments by men mainly. Either men I've known socially, or men I've dated, or men I haven't known at all.

And my mum. But she's gone now.

I have had comments from women I've known socially/acquaintances but not women or men who've been my friends.

@roguetomato

I am really sorry you feel this way. I really don't know the answer, but one thing I can say is, people aren't really paying attention to other people's appearances much. Most of the people we meet don't think about how we look and judge, they just look at us as individual person, that is it, I think. Looking after yourself and trying to look nice do give people good impression generally too, that means you care and respectful to others, imo.

That's a fallacy though. They are. Or they wouldn't make the comments.

@baldafrique

(The reason I say about taking ownership is sometimes I felt like just giving up with what I looked like then I decided to let myself look how I wanted to)

I do look how I want to style wise. I just find it very disheartening that even when I've been comfortable with my looks and my appearance, it doesn't seem to have stopped comments from others.

I just can't see myself in a positive light at all anymore and I'm beginning to widner if I fill in the blanks with negative thoughts/comments too.

I read a quote the other day which might resonate with you;

"You have been criticising yourself for years and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens."

If you're resistant to trying therapy again then treat yourself to Responsibility Rebellion by Kain Ramsay. It's no nonsense and will explain a lot about why you're torturing yourself (needlessly).

@mumofthemonsters808

It’s not normal OP to feel like this and it makes me sad hearing that someone feels this way. Something in your past has trained your mind to believe your appearance is all that matters and because you are not physically attractive you are worthless. Most people are average looking and I bet my bottom dollar you are too,.

Our lives are not Victoria Secrets runway shows, don’t fall for that shit, come off Instagram, Facebook, switch off shit reality TV, get that mind focussed on something.I’m 50 I go to a kickboxing class, it’s changed my life, taken me years to learn it, but my self esteem has hit the roof.Find your thing and you will find your people, who will make you feel like the wonderful person you are.

Yes that is exactly it. Because I'm not physically attractive I'm worthless.

That's the thing, I dont use SM; I don't watch reality TV, I don't have time to watch TV because I have other stuff going on. I have no other negative external influences but none of it can override, or is more important than that one fundamental issue.

The thing that comes through most of all from your posts is that the comments you receive from other people are unkind.
Are the people you surround yourself with really so mean, or do you just hear the comments they make that are not positive and really focus on that? If it's the former, I think you need some new friends!
I ask because I have a tendency to do this myself. My husband tells me all the time I'm beautiful but I look in the mirror and don't see that, so I don't believe him. However it doesn't mean HE doesn't think I'm beautiful.
I have issues with my gums and that's what I focus on when I smile, not looking at my lips which are actually quite a nice shape!
If someone tells me I have, say, nice hair, I'll spend ages telling them how bad it is for greys or that it's too thick.
I'm not saying this is what YOU do BTW, just asking if it's a possibility?

@ChinaMug
I got a facial cosmetic surgery procedure done plus a boob job - NOT recommending that of course and clearly it's not the answer but it made me feel better at least and I said to myself I couldnt live like that anymore. I also see a private dermatologist and will never have short hair again in my life! Genuinely think the boys haircut in childhood set the low self esteem in motion, so interesting.

(Used to get loads of nasty comments from strangers by the way into my 20s - it's awful - always from men never women!)

This is a type of trauma, OP, and whilst it might manifest in feelings around your appearance and having those confirmed by partners, the type of trauma we’re talking about is relational. You’ve had low self esteem cemented into your way of being. Think about it: no one who loved and desired you would tell you you were ‘less likely to cheat’ or confirm a destructive view of yourself; they’d be trying to help. When we place a low value on parts of ourselves, we tend to draw people to us who confirm it. I’m speaking from years of experience here. You’ve said therapy was not effective. I’d recommend finding a therapist who knows about complex trauma and who is comfortable exploring with you your assumptions about what people think of you.

"You have been criticising yourself for years and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens."

I tried this for a while. About 5 years ago, inhad a major mental shift and started doing things differently. This was the hardest.period in terms of comments from other people.

I don't know whether I a across as confident so people thought I could take the hit or whether they felt confidence was misplaced.and I needed dragging down a peg or two. I wasn't arrogant. I'd just got to a point where I would carrousel with confidence, walk into a pub and to the bar on my own. That sort of thing.

I think I just need to accept and more be bothered by it all but I don't know how.

All the suggestions are veryuch appreciated but are also things I've tried or things I do rhat have made any difference..

It sounds as though the problem is nothing to do with your appearance, but more to do with the people around you. If people are genuinely criticising the way you look, you should tell them to take a long walk off a short pier.

I suspect that you may have selective hearing. If someone was to say to you that your hair looks nice today, do you hear “my hair looks nice today” or do you hear “my hair must have looked shit yesterday then”?

Most people are far too self absorbed to notice others. People really don’t see what you see about yourself.

Maybe try to reframe the way you think about your body. It’s a bag of meat and bones that carries you around. It’s strong and capable of x, y, z (climbing a mountain, cuddling your children, running for a bus, whatever). It’s nerves and muscle fibres and blood that allow you to see, hear, smell and touch the world around you. It it NOT there to be decorative or make the place look pretty, and anyone who thinks that should be your purpose, should probably buy some flowers instead before fucking right off.

Agree with PP about you having a type of trauma

Hi China.
From what you have said it appears you grew up with a very critical mum so this message is ingrained.

It also sounds like as a result you have dysmorphia. The cycle is perpetuated by the men that have criticised you too.

I know you said the therapy has not worked, but dealing with dysmorphia is a very long, slow process.

I am absolutely sure you are not as bad as you imagine (we always highlight our flaws to ourselves). You have said that you are a size 12, so definitely not fat, and that you take care of yourself - you hair sounds lovely by the way.

I have always been plain. I am currently a size 20, so I really am fat! I have never been below a size 14 as an adult. I scrub up ok with lots of make up, but I am not pretty. I also have dysmorphia so speak from experience. please DM me if you want to have a chat x

This makes me so sad for you. I can add no more than others have already said, other than the most attractive people to me are not those with a traditional look that we attribute to being attractive, but rather those that have a twinkle in their eye, are kind, who listen and who like me as I am. These are the people you need to find.

@IaltagDhubh

It sounds as though the problem is nothing to do with your appearance, but more to do with the people around you. If people are genuinely criticising the way you look, you should tell them to take a long walk off a short pier.

I suspect that you may have selective hearing. If someone was to say to you that your hair looks nice today, do you hear “my hair looks nice today” or do you hear “my hair must have looked shit yesterday then”?

Most people are far too self absorbed to notice others. People really don’t see what you see about yourself.

Maybe try to reframe the way you think about your body. It’s a bag of meat and bones that carries you around. It’s strong and capable of x, y, z (climbing a mountain, cuddling your children, running for a bus, whatever). It’s nerves and muscle fibres and blood that allow you to see, hear, smell and touch the world around you. It it NOT there to be decorative or make the place look pretty, and anyone who thinks that should be your purpose, should probably buy some flowers instead before fucking right off.

I know that men are embarrassed to be seen with me. I told one once that I thought was how he'd felt when we were seeing each other. He was shocked and said he'd never felt embarrassed to be seen with me amd was shocked that was why I'd ended it but he'd spent months not paying me a single compliment whilst telling me how beautiful other women were and clearly fancied his best mate's long term partner who is tall, slim, blonde and very pretty.

That was a few years ago.

If someone did say my hair looked nice today or whatever, I take it at face value but it still makes feel uncomfortable because I'd rather think that people haven't noticed me.

I think you're probably right and I receive fewer criticisms now than I used to but the self belief is there and outweighs the rest of it. At the moment I think it's me saying it to myself more than anyone else.