Ashamed of my appearance

[ChinaMug]

That's just it. I'm ashamed of my appearance and how I look.

I feel embarrassed making an effort - doing my hair and make up because it makes little difference and yet it looks like I'm bothered by what I look like.

I just feel huge shame all the time. I struggle to make eye contact with people because of it. I feel inadequate and inferior around attractive women. I don't have relationships because of it.

I just really struggle with it.

Agree it’s trauma.

I know societally women are far to judged by their looks but how do you feel about men? I’m not an absolute man hater as such and have quite a few male friends but honestly so few seem like decent human beings I have never taken much notice of their opinions. Women are taught to be nice, it’s actually to our detriment. It means many women just don’t stand up for themselves. It’s not about being nasty it’s about not putting up with their terrible behaviour.

They deliberately did it to you to keep you down and captive. I had some therapy when I became seriously ill, almost died and then had to readjust to a new way of living. Was it helpful? Yes it was but therapists speak in a way that’s not unkind and not like anything I have experienced before. They are almost too reasonable.

Those men that were horrible to you are literally the shit on your shoe, you need to wipe them away. Their own inadequacy meant they did it to keep you low, why worry about what such an obnoxious individual said.

Think about it: no one who loved and desired you would tell you you were ‘less likely to cheat’ or confirm a destructive view of yourself; they’d be trying to help

No, I know. I've never had a long term relationship. They never last more than a few months because, even if they don't criticise me, I decide that they're just being polite and end it anyway because being in a relationship just makes me feel worse about myself.

Those men that were horrible to you are literally the shit on your shoe, you need to wipe them away. Their own inadequacy meant they did it to keep you low, why worry about what such an obnoxious individual said.

Because there have been so many. They can't all be wrong. And to be saying the same sorts of things.

They've said the things my mum said, things I tell myself.

We can't all be wrong.

This post makes me so sad. I can relate to much of what you say as I used to feel exactly the same. I grew up with an extremely critical and abusive mum. She would always say horrid things about my clothes and looks. I just used to wish I could disappear and be invisible. But I was able to move past all that and now I think I’m quite ok looking, some parts of me are maybe even attractive… sure I have bits I think look awful and I have terrible skin, but I focus on the bits of me that I do like. Some things which have helped me:

• cutting contact with my mum (not saying this is for you, my mum was physically and mentally abusive in lots of ways and this is the only way I could move forward and learn to love myself)
• counselling to address my terribly low self esteem
• doing small nice things for myself and practicing treating myself kindly
• accepting compliments with a smile and ‘thank you’
• surrounding myself with kind, loving people, who even if I was the worst looking person in the world wouldn’t dream of saying horrid things to me
• and losing weight: again, a very personal one. I feel much more confident if I am in a healthy weight range. Piled a fair bit of weight on in recent years which has affected my self esteem. Currently lost 2 1/2 stone, with a further stone to go. I know in your posts you said you were happy at your current weight, which is brilliant. I was just sharing my experience on this one

How would I ever be able to have a relationship with someone when I'd know that they were quietly or openly thinking I was less attractive than X person or some other negative thing?

How do people do it?

@ChinaMug

How would I ever be able to have a relationship with someone when I'd know that they were quietly or openly thinking I was less attractive than X person or some other negative thing?

How do people do it?

You would “know” they were thinking negative things about you. You would just think that.

It sounds like you might benefit from going back for more counselling.

@ChinaMug I don’t think nice men do make these sorts of comparisons. Of course he may see someone more physically attractive than you at times, but anyone that loves you should not really be comparing you to anyone else. You are the one who makes his heart jump for joy and brings him happiness, warmth and a sense of belonging. Nobody else can compete with that. Physically my husband and I are probably very average looking but we are attracted to each other and love is so much more than that anyway. My ex used to put me down a lot (even though he was no oil painting himself) but he was not a nice person and I don’t think he ever really loved me wholly… my self esteem was so poor at the time that I just didn’t think I deserved better than that

@EssexLioness

This post makes me so sad. I can relate to much of what you say as I used to feel exactly the same. I grew up with an extremely critical and abusive mum. She would always say horrid things about my clothes and looks. I just used to wish I could disappear and be invisible. But I was able to move past all that and now I think I’m quite ok looking, some parts of me are maybe even attractive… sure I have bits I think look awful and I have terrible skin, but I focus on the bits of me that I do like. Some things which have helped me:

• cutting contact with my mum (not saying this is for you, my mum was physically and mentally abusive in lots of ways and this is the only way I could move forward and learn to love myself)
• counselling to address my terribly low self esteem
• doing small nice things for myself and practicing treating myself kindly
• accepting compliments with a smile and ‘thank you’
• surrounding myself with kind, loving people, who even if I was the worst looking person in the world wouldn’t dream of saying horrid things to me
• and losing weight: again, a very personal one. I feel much more confident if I am in a healthy weight range. Piled a fair bit of weight on in recent years which has affected my self esteem. Currently lost 2 1/2 stone, with a further stone to go. I know in your posts you said you were happy at your current weight, which is brilliant. I was just sharing my experience on this one

I've actually done all those things you've said!

Cut contact with mum many years ago; counselling for low self esteem and therapy for trauma; I do lots of things to be kind to myself and treat myself kindly; I accept compliments with a smile and a thank you regardless of how it makes feel; surrounded myself with people who don't criticise me; I probably will lose that stone at some point but it doesn't feel like a priority at the moment. I haven't put any more on that's the main point.

I just hit a brick wall when it all feels futile because of the way i feel about looks/appearance.

I was talking to someone recently about the increasing sexualisation of ever younger girls and objectification of women. He was in complete agreement with me - he brought the conversation up in the first place because he was shocked at some of the photos his friends teenage daughters post on Instagram but then even he asked me if I'd still feel the same if I was one of the attractive women.

Gosh , I am overweight and not attractive but I have never had friends or family that have made negative comments . I just make the best of what I have and have the attitude that if people are that shallow to judge you on looks alone then they are not welcome in my life .

Has anyone tried hypnotherapy in a case like this ? Because somehow you need some inner confidence.

These men commenting on your appearance, they can tell by the way you act that you’re not confident about your looks so when they want to hurt you they know what to say. Also, you’re seeking out people who confirm your low opinion of yourself.

I have a level of exercise, attention to clothing, of treatment time and so on and once I’ve achieved those easy targets then I’m done focusing on my appearance. So for me it’s about how much time/money/effort I’ve put in (not a huge amount) and then that’s enough regardless of what I look like at the end.

You would “know” they were thinking negative things about you. You would just think that

I would know.

Of course he may see someone more physically attractive than you at times, but anyone that loves you should not really be comparing you to anyone else

No.one, other than my mum, has ever made a direct comparison between me and someone else in the sense that they've said, "Why can't you be more like her?" Or " she is much prettier/has a better body than you". It's more the gaping void when they compliment someone else or make a random approving comment about someone else when there's been nothing for you.

And yes, my mum did make those comments. She was usually comparing me to herself. Sometimes asking her boyfriend which one of us was more attractive and then went on about it for ages when he naturally said her.

@ChinaMug

I was talking to someone recently about the increasing sexualisation of ever younger girls and objectification of women. He was in complete agreement with me - he brought the conversation up in the first place because he was shocked at some of the photos his friends teenage daughters post on Instagram but then even he asked me if I'd still feel the same if I was one of the attractive women.*

But are you on Instagram in a crop top and cycling shorts? Someone could ask me that and I wouldn’t be offended at all because I’m not trying to be click bait. It doesn’t make me hideous.

@ChinaMug that person sounds insensitive saying that to you. I’m sorry you have tried all those things I mentioned and still feel this way. Maybe a bit more counselling will help. Our childhood’s can leave deep scars and i think a mother’s rejection/ criticism is devastating. After all, society tells us there is no deeper love than that of a mother. If your reality doesn’t match this fairy tale, it can leave a person turning inward and asking why. I used to think there must be something awful about me if even my own mum didn’t love me. Now I realise the faults were with her, not me.

I just wish I didn't care.

I've been here for 47 years. I know I've felt this way since I was 9 - I can picture the dress I was wearing, I know the year, I know where the photo was taken.

I've just had enough now. If there was a door I could quietly slip away through, I'd take it.

I'm so sorry you feel this way. We live in a sexist, patriarchal society which controls women through insecurity about their appearance. This suits consumerism perfectly as the more insecure we are, the more we buy.
Do you ever just think fuck it I'm not playing this game any more?
I think if you could get more into that mindset things would be a lot easier. You could try reading feminist articles and blogs - I've found them v inspiring.
( NB I'm at least a stone overweight and no oil painting but really couldn't give two hoots)

Do you ever just think fuck it I'm not playing this game any more?

I do. I don't themselves.up.knots trying to make myself attractive to men in the slightest!

I just can't escape my programming or the realisation I'm never going to have a relationship or be loved because I don't tick the right boxes.

I would just reply I'd rather look like I do than have that ugly personality that you have.

A size 12 isn't no means large or fat.

And why would men become boyfriends if they didn't find something about you attractive. It strikes me that when they wanted out is when they became cruel.

Don't listen to strangers, their thoughts really don't matter.

You say none of your friends say these things, focus on how they are with you, and cut the others off with the sentence I said above.

Hold your head high, you've nothing to be ashamed off. Can't say the same for those with ugly personalities

I understand, but there's no reason at all you shouldn't be able to find a good relationship, to love or be loved. There are millions, probably billions of people on the planet who aren't beautiful but have made a close, long-term connection with someone. Don't give up hope!
Feels like you should really concentrate on loving yourself, building up your self esteem and giving yourself permission to be happy.
I know you say you've had tons of therapy, but I think it's worth another shot.

And why would men become boyfriends if they didn't find something about you attractive. It strikes me that when they wanted out is when they became cruel.

I think it's.actually that they are pissed off that they're not attractive to beautiful women and have to 'settle for women like me and take it out on me.

My relationships are measured in weeks rather than months or years because I end them. They've not lasted long enough for them to become cruel when they wanted to end it.

there's no reason at all you shouldn't be able to find a good relationship, to love or be loved

I wouldn't know where to start.

I wouldn't know how to approach it differently or feel differently. It's too late now. I just can't imagine what it would.look like.

I feel like this. I honestly feel disgusted when I look in the mirror and feel jealous of other womens looks. I just wish I could be halfway attractive.

Are you sure you haven't just been conditioned to feel like this by a narcissistic mother? She sounds horrible. She obviously never did anything to boost your self confidence, especially comparing herself to you and asking her bf his opinion. You say you're a size 12 so obviously not overweight. (I'm a 14 but I don't feel overweight either).

@ChinaMug it's really not too late I promise. It's not what you've got, it's how you feel about what you've got. It does take work to learn to feel good, of course, especially if you grew up with negative comments from the one person who should have been supportive (your mum). But I'm sure there is a type of therapy that can help you overcome that negativity and learn not to self-sabotage relationships.

This comes down to your mother's comments, I would bet.

OP, you say yourself that you have a full life and avoid SM etc. Why do you care so much about a few comments from unimportant people? Why do you let them dictate your self esteem?

Your mother really did do a number on you, didn't she? Her thoughtlessness/cruelty or narcissism has blighted your life. You can change it though - the past does not equal the future.

When you had your 'major mental shift' 5 years ago, what triggered it? And why did you abandon that confidence? If it was because of the comments of others it suggests you had changed on the surface but you hadn't successfully refuted the lessons from your childhood.

Have a look at this information on core beliefs and how to challenge those deep seated facts lies your mother instilled into you.