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Original poster

DD being relentlessly bullied. Don't know what to do!

101 replies

Beebityboo · 17/06/2021 13:23

I removed year 8 DD from school to home educate her last October after having done so previously when she was in year 6, where she was horribly bullied. She was struggling with her mental health and I was shielding and it seemed like the right thing to do. She returned a few weeks ago and is being really badly bullied again.Things are being thrown at her, she is being called names etc. Nothing I do seems to work and though the school have always been supportive over the phone the behaviour is continuing and escalating. She's just called me sobbing from the bathroom begging me to make it stop. She's with her head of year now. This is the second high school she has been at after having to move her in year 7, also for bullying. She has aspergers and seems to always be a target despite always getting on with her work and being good. She doesn't have a single friend Sad. What do I do? I feel that if I remove her again she'll never go back, and whilst home school was an OK measure for a while, I have no idea how to get her through GCSE's. I'm devastated for her.

OP posts:
hiredandsqueak · 17/06/2021 13:54

Contact here Ask the school for their anti bullying policy and ask that they email you the stage they are at and the measures they have taken so far.
It sounds like your dd could do with an EHC needs assessment so use this template and send to LA.

Polkadots2021 · 17/06/2021 14:24

I'd remove her personally, the poor kid. Nothing is as bad as having to go in day after day to face that. She'll never get through GCSEs with that abuse in school so whatever she achieves at home will be an improvement and she'll be so much happier too which should lead to better outcomes. There as some great home ed groups out there. I'm not minimizing how hard home schooling is but I can see how she's going to get through months of this treatment at school, never mind years. If she was an adult in a workplace, she'd have been signed off sick by now or resigned but neither option is available to her as a child.

I'm so sorry for your poor lovely DD! And for you, it must be very hard to watch this happening.

Polkadots2021 · 17/06/2021 14:25

*can't not can

sunshinepunch · 17/06/2021 14:26

I don't have any wise words but I really hope this is sorted for you and your daughter. It's an incredibly hard thing to go through any my heart goes out to you both. This too shall pass.

Tallpaulwho · 17/06/2021 14:28

Home educate her if you can. I removed my DC in year 6 for relentless bullying, school were useless. It took a year for her to recover from the trauma but now are so much better. Don't underestimate the trauma bullying does. There are other ways to do GCSEs at home.

5zeds · 17/06/2021 14:29

Talk to school in person and get a better plan.

Ds is a similar chap, a turning point was taking up a club in a different town with different children. He loves it so much he can cope with school now.

Beamur · 17/06/2021 14:32

Are the school able to offer school work online (for kids self isolating) if so,. would that be an option while you try and get some better measures in place?
Are there specific children involved? Certain classes?
I've had to intervene on my DD's behalf more times at high school in just over 2 years than I ever did at primary. She's in year 9 now and it's got much better.
How is your DD's confidence? I'd imagine it's on the floor, but are there any clubs or activities she could do that would give her some positive social interactions?
You have my sympathies.

NotATreacleTart · 17/06/2021 14:34

@hiredandsqueak

Contact here Ask the school for their anti bullying policy and ask that they email you the stage they are at and the measures they have taken so far. It sounds like your dd could do with an EHC needs assessment so use this template and send to LA.
This, you need to see if they have followed their own policy on bullying and how this gets escalated from here. I would want an update from the head of year as soon as possible but I would want to go in and collect your DD now if possible.

If you do remove her for home schooling it does show the bullies that they can get away with this and not be held accountable and it could be the start of school refusal if you try to return her at a later stage.

I would tell school she will not be back in until Monday to give them time to sort out the bastards who are doing this to your DD. I agree with getting an EHCP started. Anything they say verbally, you follow up with an email to recap your telephone call. You can download an app that will automatically record every call made to and from your phone. You just wouldn't be able to play it to a third party however you will have it for your own records and the satisfaction that if someone said they didn't say something you could play it for them, if they refused to grant permission for it to be played for a third party then it shows that they are the ones lying. Good luck.

TinaYouFatLard · 17/06/2021 14:41

So she was removed for home school in Y6, moved high school in Y7, removed again for home school in Y8 and now you are thinking of removing her again.

I’m not downplaying the bullying but the devastating lack of consistency must be having an enormous impact on her. Whatever you decide now, it needs to be a final decision that you stick to. I would be tempted to go with home school as a permanent thing.

Planttrees · 17/06/2021 14:47

Please remove her. Being completely honest, I don't think she will come back from this and do well at school so your only option is to home school. That doesn't mean you have to do it yourself - there are plenty of online resources and tutors available depending on your budget. If she is motivated she may do better at home than she would in school given the circumstances. There are home-schooling groups around that meet up regularly your DD may find more welcoming than her peers at school as they often include other children that have found themselves in similar circumstances.

4PawsGood · 17/06/2021 14:49

Could you ask on the homeschool board here for options for online schooling? I know there are online schools that you pay for but there are also other sources that you could use, some of which are free. I saw that some people pick and choose different subjects from different places.

Bellyups · 17/06/2021 14:53

She has been been bullied and removed from schools a few times, interspersed with home schooling, as well as having Aspergers.
Honestly, I’d remove and home school with a good tutor. If this carries on it will have an irreversible impact on her self esteem, if it hasn’t already.
I don’t honestly see her school life improving, no matter how many times you move her.
Yes to PP re; the schools anti bullying policy too.

Popetthetreehugger · 17/06/2021 14:53

There is a ton of backup if you choose the educate at home . ( been told ) also you could give her a few years to mature and give it another go ? But please don’t leave her there . School could try finding her a kindred soul in another class with a strong experienced teacher . Good luck 💐

4PawsGood · 17/06/2021 15:02

One more thought, what does she say? Does she want to be homeschooled?

ittakes2 · 17/06/2021 15:05

Sorry this is a nightmare for you both. Can you send her to a school which specialises in aspergers? There is a list here. I am note sure if they are private but I do remember seeing a video on a government school only for asperger girls.
www.specialneedsuk.org/results.asp?specialityid=1

Evenstar · 17/06/2021 15:08

If she wants to be homeschooled I would do that, you need to seek support to make sure she doesn’t lose out academically but if you withdraw her again I think it needs to be for a good length of time. The lack of a routine and consistency will vibe even more difficult as she is ASD.

AdoptedBumpkin · 17/06/2021 15:09

I am so sorry for your DD and yourself going through this. I hope you find a solution.

partyatthepalace · 17/06/2021 15:16

OP I am so sorry. I do think if at all possible she needs to move on from this school as she will likely never feel safe there, and this feeling of fear can really stay with you for life. Is there a school you could move her to, or is home Ed to GCSE an option?

Whatever you do I would also pursue this with the school - it’s appalling bullying is so out of control.

aiwblam · 17/06/2021 15:17

I think you should get her out right away and don’t return at all to Y8. The damage done by missing a bit of end of summer term education will be far less than what these kids are doing to her. She can’t be learning anything in this environment anyway.

Bullies are vicious and they have a way of choosing victims. The bullying that my ds received was proven beyond doubt. Due to it being a big school, they managed to get my ds away from the perpetrator but did not properly punish or re-educate the bully. Unfortunately he’s now terrorising other kids. There is actually nothing a school can really do about bullying, despite claiming to have zero tolerance etc.

LittleDidSheKnow · 17/06/2021 15:19

This is awful. Your poor DD. I too have a DD with ASD but have been so lucky with her lovely school... I realise it could have been so different.

Please make sure you and/or your DD are documenting everything that's happening. Every time, every day. You need to really keep on at school and ask why it's not been stopped yet, and consider taking things further with the LEA or reporting to governors.

Does your DD have a statement? Is there a specialist school or other school with an STF that she could attend?

Original poster
Beebityboo · 17/06/2021 15:19

@TinaYouFatLard

So she was removed for home school in Y6, moved high school in Y7, removed again for home school in Y8 and now you are thinking of removing her again.

I’m not downplaying the bullying but the devastating lack of consistency must be having an enormous impact on her. Whatever you decide now, it needs to be a final decision that you stick to. I would be tempted to go with home school as a permanent thing.

I know. I feel sick with guilt about it.
OP posts:
Original poster
Beebityboo · 17/06/2021 15:23

Yes she wants to be home schooled. The issue is she doesn't really want to do any work at home either. I'm also disabled so it was hard to be consistent enough to force her to do it every day. She's so academic too, absolute genius with computers, I just want her to get a good education and be happy.

OP posts:
RB68 · 17/06/2021 15:24

www.northleigh.co.uk/
I know this school takes children from many areas and funding is provided by their own authorities, it was originally for children who had been badly bullied and is now more broadly couched but might be worth looking at (no idea if you are within area for it or not) but there also might be other similar projects

Original poster
Beebityboo · 17/06/2021 15:27

We would move to try a completely new area but DS is going into year 6 so I can't make him move in his last year. We could possibly move and try again for year 10. I don't know.

OP posts:
IsThePopeCatholic · 17/06/2021 15:28

You could try to get a camhs referral stating that your dd has mental health issues and needs home tuition. All local authorities have a duty to provide this if a child is unable to attend school for medical or psychological reasons. They will, however, try to reintegrate her into school when she is deemed better.