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Original poster

DD being relentlessly bullied. Don't know what to do!

101 replies

Beebityboo · 17/06/2021 13:23

I removed year 8 DD from school to home educate her last October after having done so previously when she was in year 6, where she was horribly bullied. She was struggling with her mental health and I was shielding and it seemed like the right thing to do. She returned a few weeks ago and is being really badly bullied again.Things are being thrown at her, she is being called names etc. Nothing I do seems to work and though the school have always been supportive over the phone the behaviour is continuing and escalating. She's just called me sobbing from the bathroom begging me to make it stop. She's with her head of year now. This is the second high school she has been at after having to move her in year 7, also for bullying. She has aspergers and seems to always be a target despite always getting on with her work and being good. She doesn't have a single friend Sad. What do I do? I feel that if I remove her again she'll never go back, and whilst home school was an OK measure for a while, I have no idea how to get her through GCSE's. I'm devastated for her.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 17/06/2021 15:31

Op has she returned to the same school? Is it the same bullies?

mybrainhertz · 17/06/2021 15:37

We had to remove ds2, who has aspergers, in year 7 and he was then schooled online. He's just completed his gcses so it can be done.

If you can, remove her. School is hell if you're autistic.

Original poster
Beebityboo · 17/06/2021 15:43

Same school, different bullies. I also think it could potentially be better in September when they aren't stuck in the same classes all day together and can use the library/clubs are back on etc. There is only four weeks left of term.

OP posts:
Cowbells · 17/06/2021 15:44

Bloody monsters. If a school handled this well, it wouldn't happen. But it takes time and real dedication to teach bullies true emotional empathy. I hate that this sort of thing goes on unchecked. I am so sorry for her. Please tell her people online are saying they wish her well.

Definitely home educate her for now. And then maybe look for a small school - maybe a private one with full bursaries or a parent run academy, somewhere that specialises in autism. You could also see if there are any social groups locally for autistic teens, as well as looking out for a properly run group that caters for her needs - maybe a small drama club, music group or scout troop.

flicktheswitch22 · 17/06/2021 15:47

Have you looked at Interhigh OP? Might that be an option for academic support?

Dillydollydingdong · 17/06/2021 15:47

When my DS (aged 6) was bullied at school I used to go in to help with reading so that the kids got to know me, and also they knew that someone was keeping an eye on them. It was a long time ago though. Another world.

TheAnon1 · 17/06/2021 15:55

Hi,
Can you give details about the type of school? Is it mixed/single sex? Are the kids generally "good" kids, that is the type whose parents will freak out if they're sanctioned giving hope that they'll stop and everything will settle down?

I really feel for you. Years 7&8 can be awful.

ImitationofBeing · 17/06/2021 15:56

Any UTC's around your way? I know a few children with Aspergers who have transferred to a UTC due to bullying at school and flourished.

feistymumma · 17/06/2021 15:58

Your poor DD, is there an option to home educate her? That is what I did with my DS and the transformation was incredible. It is so stressful for both of you, with you worried whether she had a good day at school and will it stay that way etc.

feistymumma · 17/06/2021 16:00

If you settle on homeschooling go with Net school, exceptionally good.

Original poster
Beebityboo · 17/06/2021 16:02

She wasn't thriving with home Ed either. She was with Wolsey Hall online school and just wasn't putting any effort in and didn't want to do anything other than sit at her computer. We tried and failed to keep her engaged so that's why we've put her back. This is an outstanding ofsted school and most of the kids are lovely. Due to covid though she's trapped in one class with kids who won't leave her alone. I think the pandemic is making everything worse than it would otherwise be and things could be different in September.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 17/06/2021 16:02

If she is bright is there a local grammar school where she could do her 12 plus? Grammar schools are very familar with bright children with ASD.

feistymumma · 17/06/2021 16:04

@Beebityboo

She wasn't thriving with home Ed either. She was with Wolsey Hall online school and just wasn't putting any effort in and didn't want to do anything other than sit at her computer. We tried and failed to keep her engaged so that's why we've put her back. This is an outstanding ofsted school and most of the kids are lovely. Due to covid though she's trapped in one class with kids who won't leave her alone. I think the pandemic is making everything worse than it would otherwise be and things could be different in September.
Try Net school as they mimic mainstream education and have teachers etc, just online. My son was with Cambridge High School. He was also with Wolsely hall but it is very much parent led which makes it difficult. My son couldn't engage with it either hence the move to CHS.
Original poster
Beebityboo · 17/06/2021 16:05

@ittakes2

If she is bright is there a local grammar school where she could do her 12 plus? Grammar schools are very familar with bright children with ASD.
There is an all girls grammar nearby. She would have aced the 11 plus I'm sure of it, but due to the bullying we didn't want to put her under any more pressure. I wasn't aware you could try again at a different age. I'm not sure she would want to now anyway but worth considering maybe.
OP posts:
FunMcCool · 17/06/2021 16:06

Take her out.

Original poster
Beebityboo · 17/06/2021 16:07

@feistymumma can I ask how much that one costs. We did think interhigh but it is so expensive. If we did remove her it would need to be something like that though as Wolsey Hall wasn't structured enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beebityboo · 17/06/2021 16:08

My current thinking is to just try to get through the next four weeks and see how she is by October time. But four weeks is a long time when you're unhappy and being bullied Sad.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 17/06/2021 16:11

I think given her Aspergers and the fact she has been so badly affected ,I would go with Home Schooling .You will be able to find Tutors and home school groups online who will help you .If she is bright then she should be fine .College /6th form are often completely different to normal School, and she can complete her education there .If she is being badly bullied then that will have an effect on her mental health as well.

LER83 · 17/06/2021 16:14

Personally I would pull her out. If you're on Facebook there are lots of home ed groups. There are a few local to me and they arrange regular meet ups, organise online group work with tutors and things like horse riding etc. Lots of them are doing gcse's at home.

Original poster
Beebityboo · 17/06/2021 16:17

There is very little in the way of home Ed groups where we are, unfortunately. It's not that common here.

OP posts:
Unsure33 · 17/06/2021 16:21

I am struggling to see why the school can not cope with this .

In our day the teacher would come down on the bullies like a ton of bricks . It’s so sad .

updownroundandround · 17/06/2021 16:23

@Beebityboo

Is she getting any specific support in school ?

My DD had a terrible time with bullying in primary school, so much so that we also moved her to a new school.

The difference was, that in the new school, they actually wanted to help her (she also has ASD). At the new school they had twice weekly visits from Autism Outreach, who would take my DD and any child/ children she had had any difficult interactions with that week, and help them 'work through' what the problem was. This meant that not only did my DD begin to learn conflict resolution techniques, but the other children also learned about my DD's difficulties in a non threatening and supportive way.

After 3-4 months, she had friends (who knew how to communicate in a direct way eg 'saying you don't want me to play today makes me feel angry and sad'', which gave my DD the opportunity to explain what she actually meant i.e 'I only meant I'd like to play with Emma today because I haven't seen her for 4 days, but I don't want to make you feel angry or sad').

It made a massive difference to both my DD and to the other kids in the class, because now my DD didn't seem so 'wierd' or 'strange' because they could understand why she was the way she was with them.

Ask your Local Authority if there is anything like that available in your area. Also, many ASD kids have a special interest, and your DD's interest is computers. I'd advise you to try and find a club or a class which is all about computers. If there's not one, there may be one online ? When she's 'immersed' in a particular interest, she'll seem more 'at home' when she's with 'like minded' kids.

We also had (pre Covid, not sure if it's going to re-start) a social club specifically for youngsters who are on the autistic spectrum called Socialeyes. It's like a social club/ youth club which your DD could join to find friends like herself. I know they were run at venues around the country.

I hope you find something to help your DD in school, as keeping her there would be best for her education, but you couldn't leave her there without proper support from people who understand and are trained how to help children with Autism.

Original poster
Beebityboo · 17/06/2021 16:23

From the impression I get they are dealing with a lot of behavioural issues at the moment due to covid.

OP posts:
SpiderinaWingMirror · 17/06/2021 16:31

Look at inter high

EnfieldRes · 17/06/2021 16:34

From what you've said it doesn't sound like either of you are cut out for home schooling.

It is far from the easy option.
And it is important she does well at school, giving her more options in her grown up life. Especially if some social skills do not come easily.

Keep on at the school. Make sure every incident is documented, reported and the action taken should be questioned if necessary. Escalate the situation to the governors. Get to know the head of pastoral care. (I'd be considering taking a job in the school too, just to keep an eye out! If at all possible)

This is such a tough situation. I'm sorry for both you and your DD.

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