DD being relentlessly bullied. Don't know what to do!

[Beebityboo]

I removed year 8 DD from school to home educate her last October after having done so previously when she was in year 6, where she was horribly bullied. She was struggling with her mental health and I was shielding and it seemed like the right thing to do. She returned a few weeks ago and is being really badly bullied again.Things are being thrown at her, she is being called names etc. Nothing I do seems to work and though the school have always been supportive over the phone the behaviour is continuing and escalating. She's just called me sobbing from the bathroom begging me to make it stop. She's with her head of year now. This is the second high school she has been at after having to move her in year 7, also for bullying. She has aspergers and seems to always be a target despite always getting on with her work and being good. She doesn't have a single friend . What do I do? I feel that if I remove her again she'll never go back, and whilst home school was an OK measure for a while, I have no idea how to get her through GCSE's. I'm devastated for her.

At this point I would home school. It isn’t just about the fact she’s being bullied repeatedly. She’s learning to be fearful of people, to keep quiet and be invisible in case she’s attacked. She’s learning that she’s worthless and people just want to hurt her. Worst of all, she’s acquiring a learned helplessness that says “there’s nothing I can do to protect myself and I just have to put up with being treated badly because nobody will help me”. So when she’s unhappy and people treat her badly in later life, when a partner abuses her for example, that learned behaviour kicks in and she just puts up with it. Severe bullying causes lifelong psychological damage. I would put a stop to it immediately.

Personally I would go in there myself and make sure nobody laid a finger on my daughter ever again.

It sounds like she loves school except for the bullying. And doesn’t like home schooling. And it doesn’t work well for you either.

In that case surely the best thing to do is to see what can be done to keep her in a school but get her away from these bullies. Can she change form at school, would that keep her sufficiently separate? She ought to be allowed to change school bubble if she has a PCR test first.

If this won’t fix it then I would look at other local schools. Ring up each possible school and ask for an appointment to speak to the head of pastoral care and ideally the SENCO too. Explain the situation to them including that DD is very academic and loves school but also of course the ASD and bullying. See how they react. You’ll be able to tell if they are genuinely keen to help your DD or not. (of course it will also depend on whether they have a space).

I really hope you can find a solution. Your poor DD.

I homeschool, but would lean towards keeping her in school for now if possible. I'd also explore a small girls grammar if you think she may be able to get in. But don't let that stop you really getting on top of this current school, don't allow things to slide. Ditto the previous mentions of making stuff outside school fun and important so it doesn't feel like the centre of her world, but just part of it.

If you do homeschool, get a tutor if you can afford to for some subjects. You can also connect with other home educators online if you don't have groups near you - are you in the UK?

Take her out, give her a break from even trying homeschooling or anything and let her relax and heal. Maybe in six months or so she could do a programming course or something she could get a great job in through computers if that's what she loves. I would look for a homeschooling group on Facebook too in your area because the one in mine has lots of parents who have set up group lessons and classes for homeschool kids of different ages. You could let her focus on learning what she loves (especially if she has Asperger's, she will be more comfortable focusing on one thing) and then take her to a couple of homeschool classes a week for maths and English and anything else she might enjoy.

My dd is autism and at an all girls grammar. She has suffered dreadful mental health problems. They aren’t full of bright qwerky girls. They’re full of bright girls who put themselves under pressure for not being perfect and if you are different it can be a big added pressure.

My autistic son was also dreadfully bullied at his grammar,

The school should be sorting it. Email and log everything.

I’m so sorry for you OP and your daughter. It makes my blood boil that there are children out there being so devastatingly cruel, and schools that don’t immediately deal with it in the strictest of ways. I know it’s all too common, but really, WTF is wrong with people to want to make someone’s life so miserable. Utterly unacceptable - no one should be forced to leave school because of this.

@EishetChayil

Personally I would go in there myself and make sure nobody laid a finger on my daughter ever again.

I'm not allowed in the building due to covid and at 5'2 with a walking stick I'm not about to strike fear into anyone's heart. I'm doing my best to try and balance her needs and her need for an education. She has already said she doesn't want to change schools either, just not be such a target.

I am sorry you are going through this. Can I suggest having a look at this document:
assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/755135/Mental_health_and_behaviour_in_schools__.pdf
You may find it very useful when dealing with the school and/or governors.
This link tells you how to contact the NAS Education Rights Helpline, who can give you free advice on your current situation:
www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support/education-advice-line
Please don't give up, not all schools are as rubbish at managing bullying - but it does seem to take a lot of work to find one sometimes.

If she doesn't want to change schools, the school needs to sort it out. Could you ask them to move the main bullies out of your DD's class?

There are loads of great Apps for teaching GCSEs. The Khan Academy is great for Maths and is free. Conquermaths is another, albeit paid Mathsantics is a great YouTube teaching channel.

Joining a club outside of school helped me at that age. The bullying became so much better once I got into year 10 and we were all split up into different classes for GCSE options. It just changed the dynamics, even though the same girl was still in some of my classes.

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast

If she doesn't want to change schools, the school needs to sort it out. Could you ask them to move the main bullies out of your DD's class?

She's currently in set 2. I've asked them to move her up to 1 to get away from this group. They've not seemed overly keen both times I've mentioned this as I'm sure covid makes it more complicated but she was in 1 before. We're going to reiterate this request tomorrow when we speak to them.

Do you have anything like this school near you?

That particular school is fee paying, but many (most?) of the children are funded by the LA.

I'd push the moving her. Either that or move the bullies down a set. The least they can do is separate her from her tormentors. I'd also mention that you're going to complain (to headteacher, then governors) if it isn't sorted. Your poor DD should not have to put up with this .

That sounds like a good plan. Covid really shouldn’t cause a problem with moving groups, she can take a pcr test to prove she’s not spreading covid. I imagine they are not keen as don’t want to set a precedent for swapping groups, but that really shouldn’t be the priority when a child is being bullied.

I feel
So angry on your behalf. Your poor child.

If she has Asperger she has a special
Need so is protected under the equality 2010 act. If school are being rubbish, write a complaint to the chair of governors in the first instance.
Find the schools bullying policy and complaints procedure.
Contact ofsted and. I plain I’d still nothing is done as the health snd safety of your child is at risk.
I n Derbyshire we have something called ‘Diass’ which stands for Derbyshire information advice and support service for send which you might like to google. There will
Be similar in your area. Also, ring your local authority or contact their special needs department. Google ‘local offer’ for your area.

I hope that can be of help. Your child deserves the best and should not have to be home educated due to bullies! Keep the pressure on a d get in touch with these organisations and mean business.
FYI I have been a teacher, a governor (dealing with bullying not being taken seriously by a school), and I now work in the local authority sometimes in send.

Thank you all for being so helpful. I really appreciate it.

My DD was being bullied, we kept her off school and sent an email to class teacher, head of year, head teacher and pastoral lead explaining exactly why
Head teacher called me within 10 mins and it was resolved pretty much straight away
Your child being bullied is horrendous, stay strong OP and best wishes to your DD

Yes we're keeping her off today and will basically be telling the school if they don't remove her from that class for the rest of the term she won't be going back. They can fine us.

I’m sure you can just say you’re homeschooling for the rest of term to avoid a fine. Or have her off sick.

No ill have to give up her place to home school her which I don't want to do just yet. I will get a note from the Dr about her anxiety to keep her off until the end of term as a last resort.

dont tell them that youre homeschooling her or formally withdraw her. That lets them get away with it. Tell them youre keeping her off until they can keep her safe. If her attendance goes below a certain amount, you will get a call from attendance people but if you explain the situation, they will call in a meeting with the school.
You should probably email the SENCo too and ask for a meeting

I hate this. It's the bullies who should be being removed, not your poor DD. Priorities are all skewed. What does 'zero tolerance' even mean - Not a lot as far as I can tell.

Do what my dad did after my bullies pushed me in front of the bus. Wait outside the school, have her point out the culprits. He marched up, grabbed them by the collar and roared at them that if he ever caught them do much as looking at me again he'd make them regret the day they were born. Then followed them home and told their parents the same.

I'm not suggesting grabbing them, you understand, just shouting/threatening them and following them home to tell their parents if they touch her again, police will be involved. I'm fairly sure bullying her because of her autism, counts as a hate crime. Please don't underestimate the impact this is having on her. Bullying can destroy lives. I tried to kill myself because of it and nearly succeeded.

You are the only people she has to stick up for her. If the school won't deal with it then you need to.

March into that school, ask to see the head and don't take no for an answer. If they say you have to leave, say 'no, go ahead and call the police and we'll see what they think about you allowing an autistic child be bullied to tears every day.'

Say you want it dealt with. Now. Today. No wishy washy promises, go and get those children and discipline them now.

I haven’t had to deal with anything as extreme as this but I have had to intervene on ds’ behalf on a number of occasions.

The problem I’m encountering is that the school has a truly impressive anti bullying policy on paper, but it’s so involved that the teachers opt not to recognise what they’re seeing as bullying in the first place.

In the last year I’ve just picked up the phone and spoken to the other parents. I’ve been very careful about my tone and not thrown accusations and been willing to concede that ds’ difficulties might be causing him to interpret harmless banter as more serious (he’s not but it helps to leave a face saver).

Twice, the bullies have been kids whose older siblings have been bullied which I think is an interesting dynamic, and their dps have been brilliant. And even the one dp who was obnoxious to me must have said something because her ds avoided mine afterwards.

The school is adamently opposed to parents approaching each other directly but if they’d do their job I wouldn’t have to.