DD being relentlessly bullied. Don't know what to do!

[Beebityboo]

I removed year 8 DD from school to home educate her last October after having done so previously when she was in year 6, where she was horribly bullied. She was struggling with her mental health and I was shielding and it seemed like the right thing to do. She returned a few weeks ago and is being really badly bullied again.Things are being thrown at her, she is being called names etc. Nothing I do seems to work and though the school have always been supportive over the phone the behaviour is continuing and escalating. She's just called me sobbing from the bathroom begging me to make it stop. She's with her head of year now. This is the second high school she has been at after having to move her in year 7, also for bullying. She has aspergers and seems to always be a target despite always getting on with her work and being good. She doesn't have a single friend . What do I do? I feel that if I remove her again she'll never go back, and whilst home school was an OK measure for a while, I have no idea how to get her through GCSE's. I'm devastated for her.

Dear OP this sounds just heartbreaking for you and DD

May I suggest that rather than looking at this as a bullying issue, the significant issue as others have suggested is your daughters SEN needs.

The bullying is utterly dreadful.

I would ask the school to consider if this is bullying, or if it is targeted abuse on a vulnerable person as a result of their disability.

I might also question what the school have done separately to support her to develop social skills and support positive interactions with her peers to help her meet additional needs that she has as a result of her ASD.

There's two organisations that have some resources/advice that might help?

www.ipsea.org.uk/
www.autismeducationtrust.org.uk/for-parents/

All the very best to you both

Are you even able to home school though, do you work / how would this fit in around work commitments?
Are the school adequately punishing the bullies? Shouldn't they be suspended etc for bullying someone to this degree? School should be coming down on them hard.

I could home school but it would mean giving up my degree, cost money we don't really have and as I say, my disability makes being consistent with it difficult. It's worsened a lot this year and some days I can barely get out of bed. But I would move heaven and earth to keep her well and happy. I just wish she was happy at school. She has come home crying so we are keeping her off tomorrow and telling the school she won't be returning until they put steps in place to stop this happening.

The school have done little to support her so far, but she's only been back a few weeks and they are always there to speak to after these things happen. They have disciplined the children involved but DD says they just think it's funny.

That's the thing, it's certainly not possible for all families to be able to home school a child. It's such an awful situation. She clearly cant be there at the moment. Why the school arent suspending the bullies and being zero tolerance is beyond me.

Her head of year has said she will suspend the ring leader if it continues. I'll have to deal with the attendance officer tomorrow also as the anxiety of going in is making it impossible some days.

OP I am going to go against the grain a little as both my children have been bullied. Not as severe as your poor daughter so please obviously disregard what I say if you don't find it helpful.
Bullying is appaulling and devastating for the child and their family. But there are a few things I learned about bullying. One is while its NEVER the victims fault - there is some dynamic going on which is unfort making them vulnerable to vile individuals. For my children it was because I had told them to ignore nasty comments when I should have been telling them to create boundaries when it is not OK to say and do things to them. My children had to be taught and they had to learn how to deal with the bullies. And we did this by a combination of support from the school, private therapy and me going to parenting classes / reading books.
It has been very hard but for us it had a silver lining and my children not only learned key social skills but they developed their confidence by overcoming the bullying themselves.
What worries me most about your poor poor daughter is if you pull her out yet again from another school that her view of herself as a victim who needs to be protected and she doesn't develop the skills and confidence she needs to deal with tricky people. I worry if she thinks of the world like this she will always be a victim rather than the be victorious that she overcame the bullying, that she developed skills to make herself happy.
But you are in an impossible situation so you need to trust your own gut as to what is the right thing. You know your daughter and your own family's limitations better than anyone and be kind to yourself when you make your ultimate decision as you never chose to be in this place.
If I can just add please, one key thing I think when a child is being bullied in school is to develop their life outside of school so they don't see school and their school relationships as being their whole life. So this means seeking friends for her outside of school, maybe an ASD or antibullying support group, activities she enjoys, special time with you etc.
My children were also taught how to interact with bullies - like giving them a dirty look of you are an idiot that only the bully could see - which made the bully feel like they are being stupid but it didn't shame them infront of others to escalate the bullying. My children were also shown photos of dogs - a sad dog cowering in the corner and a happy dog and asked who would children like to befriend? Posture and body language is so important, like if you stand normally and naturally swing your arms when you walk - you are defining your own personal space of what you don't want others to come in to. If you are feeling scared and your arms aren't moving much you have instantly strunken your personal space.
I hope you can find a solution for your poor daughter and find happiness for you all.

@ittakes2

The op's daughter has aspergers. What you're suggesting isn't something that she'll be able to manage.

could you consider doing online school. My dd was at myonlineschooling for a while and they were great. Loads of aspie kids. Very interactive

Awful that your daughter is experiencing this and the school are slow to take a firm action on this situation. No one should be made to feel so uncomfortable and not want to go to school. And shame on those kids who think this is acceptable and tolerable. My child is only small when I drop her off to school I always tell her to be kind and respectful. I would put in a complaint with the headteacher about the head of year not dealing with this properly.

To be bullied on three occasions would indicate to me that either she just can't fit into mainstream schooling or because she doesn't want to go into mainstream she is maybe exaggerating a bit. Don't get me wrong I was bullied and I know how horrible it is but to have been bullied in three separate occasions makes me think there's something underlying there

This time around the bullying doesn't seem as targeted iyswim. Due to bubbles all classes take place in the same room (apart from pe) so I think they are mainly targeting her due to boredom, she also wears sensory ear buds in class which make her stand out. This school has a lower than average amount of children with SEN and I just don't think the other kids are used to seeing it. I think that's why I am so keen to have her hang on until next term. The prior two times this has happened it was very much targeted and by girls both times.
She has said the thing she hates most is being the centre of attention when these things happen as all the kids will look at her etc to see how she's going to react to provocation.
She has said this evening though that she wants to stay as she likes the routine and loves her teachers, she just needs this to stop or her anxiety will make it impossible for her to learn anything.

mybrainhertz
I have a lot of aspergers in my family and my son was diagnosed borderline asd at 5 and was referred for another diagnosis at 10 because he was being bullied and they thought his lack of eye contact and social skills were contributing. My daughter was also referred for ASD assessment at 10. Both have ASD traits. But - you can't lump people with ASD in the same category. Girls in particular mask and its not uncommon for them to make eye contact. The therapist my children went to to learn to deal with bullying has extensive experience in teaching ASD children social skills. She did a brilliant job of teaching my very literal son shades of grey as he previously always saw things in black and white.
Only the Op can decide what her child is capable of.

re the grammar you can ring them and ask. After the 11 plus grammars have their own guidelines for entry - you may find one prepared to let her do a 12 or even 13 plus.

Grammar schools are very familar with bright children with ASD.

My autistic Ds was bullied horrendously at his all boys grammar school. After our experiences, I would not send a child with ASD anywhere near one. He was called names, physically hurt, had his belongings damaged and stolen. His clothes scribbled on and laughed at by other pupils and staff. He was also picked on because of his disability. Other pupils thought it was hilarious to shout 'cripple' and 'autistic' across the classroom. Pastoral care was non existent too. Many of his significant mental health difficulties now, stem from his time there. They did nothing to support his SEN either.

That’s horrible OP, I’m so sorry your dd is going through that. I certainly would remove my child permanently from the school as any long term disadvantages of homeschooling are far far far more minor than the damage that could be done to your poor dd

In terms of bullying

Schools need to instill a code of practice and reward kids that follow it. She also needs a buddy which the school should arrange. Don't let the school get away with bad practice. Good luck

I don’t know anything about SEN and/or homeschooling, you’ve been given a lot of advice. However I’m shaded no one has suggested bringing in the police. Having things thrown at you is assault. If the bullies laugh at school measures, getting a talking to from the PCSO might get through that this behaviour is not acceptable. I agree with PP’s that empowerment might be a better life lesson than constant retreat

Amazed not shaded

I don't have direct experience with these centres, but their aim is to support those who have been bullied while in mainstream school to learn a bit differently:
www.redballoonlearner.org/

@Beebityboo I'm o sorry to hear about your daughter. Ask to see a copy of the schools anti bullying policy - they should make it available to you, and put details in writing to the head teacher. As soon as they are notified it is recordable and counted during an ofsted inspection.

I was lucky to get my so onto one of these courses www.kidscape.org.uk/kidscape-programmes/zap-community-workshops/workshop-dates/. They also held a half day session for parents while the kids were in their session. I found it a great help for me and taught my son some techniques. We also talked about how to get more traction at the school.

I hope you can see some improvement soon, my son broke my heart when he asked me why I would make him go to school when he was only going to get bullied. Things did get better as soon as I involved the head teacher

@ittakes2

Thanks for that. I am actually autistic and have a ds who is as well.

@Punxsutawney

Grammar schools are very familar with bright children with ASD.

My autistic Ds was bullied horrendously at his all boys grammar school. After our experiences, I would not send a child with ASD anywhere near one. He was called names, physically hurt, had his belongings damaged and stolen. His clothes scribbled on and laughed at by other pupils and staff. He was also picked on because of his disability. Other pupils thought it was hilarious to shout 'cripple' and 'autistic' across the classroom. Pastoral care was non existent too. Many of his significant mental health difficulties now, stem from his time there. They did nothing to support his SEN either.

My autistic boy was looked after beautifully at his grammar. But we chose the smallest most nurturing one, not the ones who banged on about results and Oxbridge etc. I think in any other setting he'd have ended up school refusing but he was just accepted at his lovely school. Never any bullying either. The kids tried a few times, calling him weird etc, but he deflected it with "thanks, it's a talent".

I'd try the girls grammar if at all possible. Definitely ring and speak to them and explain the situation. It might be a no-go but it might also be third time lucky and full of quirky bright girls who accept your DD for who she is. And if it works, it sounds like it would be better than home education.