Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

I've messed up

82 replies

Ballsinabiscuittin · 11/06/2021 00:55

Flame me, throw tar and feathers in my face!
I have completely messed up, my Dgm died 7 weeks ago and we were very close my exdp and I lived with her up until we had our dc 10 years ago.
Anyway her funeral was five weeks ago, I was very upset and definitely had too much to drink and ended up sleeping with my ex, who was there to pay his respects.

I've just done a test and I'm pregnant!
I'm really not sure what to do or even if I want to tell ex or continue with the pregnancy, he has a partner and recently had another dc so I know that this will create a world of hurt for everyone involved.

It has never happened in the 7 years we have been apart, I feel so guilty and conflicted.

OP posts:

OneNightTimeMenaceStrikesBack · 11/06/2021 00:58

well, im not goign to shame you because whats done is done. you know, with hindsight, it shouldnt have happened but it did and now you have to deal with it. Ex aside, do you want this baby? can you care for it if you decide to continue the pregnancy? It must be a shock of course but you need to have a few days to think it over and decide what to do. Dont rush your decision, take soem time to realyl think it through. I hope whatever you decide it works out for you

MorriseysGladioli · 11/06/2021 00:59

Oh blimey!
I wouldn't want to even offer advice on this, but I know what I would do.
I hope someone can help you more than I have, and best wishes, whatever you decide.

Original poster

Ballsinabiscuittin · 11/06/2021 01:10

I definitely know it shouldn't have happened and it will not happen again, I think it was a mix of high emotions talking about the past and alcohol.

I feel like I know what I should do and that would be to terminate as I truly don't want to hurt his partner, I mean we're not friends but not exactly enemies and I know this will break her.

I am able to look after another child by myself, I'm not well off but could reasonably do it I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:

MorriseysGladioli · 11/06/2021 01:20

I suppose, if you're not totally against abortion, it might help to write down a list of pros and cons of each option.

bluebell34567 · 11/06/2021 01:25

i would put the baby above the partner.

TruelyonelastSchlep · 11/06/2021 01:29

I think you need to work out what you want to do. Then if it is keep it tell him. If not just get the abortion without disturbing his new life.

Good luck OP❤

MorriseysGladioli · 11/06/2021 01:29

I'd truthfully put myself above everyone.
It's a big decision, that's for sure.

Original poster

Ballsinabiscuittin · 11/06/2021 01:31

Tbh in the past I have always been very pro choice, but totally against for myself as I've never had an unplanned pregnancy this is new territory for me and it was the first thought that came I to my head.

I would love another child if the circumstances were different, but I also want theine I'm carrying.

OP posts:

CorianderBee · 11/06/2021 01:33

I'd say terminate it will only bring you grief anat this point it's only flushing out cells

CorianderBee · 11/06/2021 01:35

It's really not a baby it's a collection of cells that could fuck your life up

Freyaismyname · 11/06/2021 01:35

I'm going to be the opposite and say.... it's foolish to be a home wrecker! It takes two and I do understand that, but it's not just a one night fling his DW will have to comes to terms with us it? Her whole life is going to be turned upside down!
I speak from experience

ExhaustedFlamingo · 11/06/2021 02:09

You say you're not opposed to the idea of termination but that you "want this one" but just don't know if you should. You say you could manage.

I went to have a termination years ago. It was the original consultation where they do the scans etc and I was due to go back and have the procedure. I came home and I remember lying on the sofa picturing how I'd feel after the procedure was complete. Just really vividly imagining it. And I realised I couldn't go through with it. I'm pro-choice and would support any woman's right to have a termination. I just realised in that moment, I couldn't go through with it. It made no sense to go ahead with the pregnancy, I didn't know how I'd pay my mortgage, I had no family local, I had split up with the father. But when I really thought hard about how going through the termination would make me feel, I just knew it wasn't for me.

If writing a list of pros and cons doesn't give you an answer, maybe spend a few minutes really imagining how you'll feel after. Imagine coming home after a termination. And now imagine being pregnant. How does each option make you feel? If your overriding emotion to a termination would be relief, then maybe that's the correct decision. If it feels wrong, then maybe pregnancy is the better option.

If you want this baby, don't let fear of upsetting someone else dictate your plans. Conversely, if you really don't want the inevitable hassle, there's nothing wrong with having a termination.

Be honest with yourself about all it involves and your emotions. Only you know the answers. Best of luck

CrazyCatsAndKittens · 11/06/2021 02:20

There is no right or wrong answer here, which is why it’s so hard to decide what to do. It’s just a difficult situation all around.

RickiTarr · 11/06/2021 02:22

You have to make the choice for you, not for anybody else’s feelings. If you override your own choice or instinct, those are the decisions you regret later.

RightYesButNo · 11/06/2021 03:00

Yes, you made a mistake but like always… it takes two to tango. He hadn’t lost his DGM and I have no idea if he’d been drinking but he still slept with you, so he's not exactly smelling like roses. Often when a poster writes that their partner cheated and they’re angry at the other woman, it’s only about two minutes before someone comes along and says, “She didn’t make you a promise. He did.” Like I said, it doesn’t make what you did okay, but he is just as much at fault here, and if he was sober, I think more so.

Now. What’s done is done. All you can do now is make the choice you can live with. When you look in the mirror, it won’t be exDP you see or his new partner or even your own DC. You’ll have to look at yourself. So if you have given this serious thought and still want to continue the pregnancy, then do not get a termination because of others. Likewise, do not avoid a termination if it’s what you want, because you think someone else would want you to continue the pregnancy.

Good luck. You made a mistake, yes. But if you continue with the pregnancy, you need to make sure this child never feels like you did.

drawerofwater · 11/06/2021 03:41

it’s not a baby yet

Original poster

Ballsinabiscuittin · 15/06/2021 09:16

Sorry I needed a few days to think on what I'm going to do and have decided to keep the baby.
I haven't told exdp yet, I'm sure he's not going to take it well.

OP posts:

Worriesome · 15/06/2021 09:32

So he’s cheated on his partner? And it will deeply affect the child he currently has with his partner too whatever you decide. I don’t have any advice, do what’s best for you as only you know what that is x

Original poster

Ballsinabiscuittin · 15/06/2021 09:38

Yes he has, we also have two dc together so it's going to affect a lot of people.
Even though I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't think I could go through with a termination.

OP posts:

Worriesome · 15/06/2021 09:52

@Ballsinabiscuittin Och such a sticky situation, your head must be all over the place. Don’t make any hasty decisions and good luck x

Original poster

Ballsinabiscuittin · 15/06/2021 10:07

@Worriesome It really is and that's why I've taken a few days to try and get my head straight. I'm terrified of telling him, we have an amazing co-parenting relationship and have tried our best over the years to have a decent friendship for not only our dc, but us as well. This baby is going to throw a huge spanner in the works.

OP posts:

TaraR2020 · 15/06/2021 10:19

He's messed up more than you have. You seem to be taking full responsibility for this and absolving him of any...Why?

If you decide you want to keep the pregnancy, don't let their relationship put you off. That's his responsibility.

Im also really sorry for your loss, op

MeanMrMustardSeed · 15/06/2021 10:23

I think you’ve just got to decide what’s best for you without too much thought of others on this one. What’s done is done. It’s how we deal with the next bit that counts. It sounds to me that you want to keep the baby. If that’s right, then do it.

NinaMimi · 15/06/2021 10:29

Best of luck with telling him and everything that comes from that.

Whatwouldnanado · 15/06/2021 10:30

It sounds like you want to keep the baby. Would you take him back?

Flip

1 2 3 4