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Original poster

I've messed up

82 replies

Ballsinabiscuittin · 11/06/2021 00:55

Flame me, throw tar and feathers in my face!
I have completely messed up, my Dgm died 7 weeks ago and we were very close my exdp and I lived with her up until we had our dc 10 years ago.
Anyway her funeral was five weeks ago, I was very upset and definitely had too much to drink and ended up sleeping with my ex, who was there to pay his respects.

I've just done a test and I'm pregnant!
I'm really not sure what to do or even if I want to tell ex or continue with the pregnancy, he has a partner and recently had another dc so I know that this will create a world of hurt for everyone involved.

It has never happened in the 7 years we have been apart, I feel so guilty and conflicted.

OP posts:
3luckystars · 15/06/2021 13:21

Congratulations, he will hopefully have gotten his head around it by the time the baby arrives. All the best.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 15/06/2021 13:35

Just devil's advocate here, would you be as well to let him think its not his? If I could manage financially without his support then I might be tempted just to make up a one night stand and pretend I didn't keep his number.

Might save you all some emotional trauma, your existing children too as they will feel the effects of destabilising the situation between the 3 of you.

RattyMcgrew · 15/06/2021 13:48

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut
Not telling him or the kids who the father is, is surely just putting off telling them until another day…? And telling them in years time will be an even worse deception.
I get the idea but it’s be far worse in the long run to be dishonest now.

OP, not much I can add, if you have made your decision then that’s one bridge crossed. Good luck with your pregnancy and hope telling your exh goes ok for you Flowers

TaraR2020 · 15/06/2021 13:59

Congratulations on your pregnancy op :) you'll work your way through the rest as it comes and you come across as thoughtful and sensitive so I'm sure you'll manage whatever happens next the right way. Good luck and I hope you don't beat yourself up too much.

Polkadots2021 · 15/06/2021 14:27

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP! I know it's complicated but you are pregnant by your ex, who you share 2 kids with. I really feel like after the shock of it all has settled down, you will all find a positive way to navigate through it.

Original poster
Ballsinabiscuittin · 15/06/2021 14:28

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut That thought did cross my mind, but I'd feel guilty taking away a father from the baby and as a pp said it will be worse if he found out years down the line.
For now I'm going to keep it to myself, until I feel up to telling him and the inevitable fall out that is going to happen.

Thank you all for your congratulations, I'm not quite over the moon happy yet but hoping I get there. Flowers

OP posts:
Sholokhov · 15/06/2021 14:52

Congratulations OP, don't let anyone make you feel like you have anything to be ashamed of for continuing with the pregnancy. I hope you're able to feel excited about this new addition to your family and I hope he or she will bring you lots of joy as we all move out of crazy pandemic times.

giletrouge · 15/06/2021 14:59

That's an extremely difficult situation to be in OP and there are no right answers, there is only what's right for firstly you, as you are the one who's pregnant, and others while they may indeed have rights they do not have a right to make the decision for you. And you have decided, so congratulations and the very, very best of luck. Flowers
I'm also very sorry for your loss. People often do reckless things whilst grieving and in emotional turmoil; it's a very human response.

Whosaidit · 15/06/2021 15:04

You know it won’t be easy op but you can’t be the first person in this situation and I’m sure you’ll find a way to make it work x

YellowFish12 · 15/06/2021 15:09

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PinkCast · 15/06/2021 15:18

Oh OP that's a tough situation! Ultimately it's your decision, and it sounds like you have made the decision - best of luck for the future, whatever happens.
I think a lot of people on this thread are giving you a hard time because of what will be the inevitable fall out when the news gets out - but remember it's not all your fault & always remember "this too shall pass". It will likely be tough for everyone involved at first, but things will get better.
Whatever happens between your ex and his partner is not within your control, you need to look after you and your own family.
Take care & congratulations (if you're happy to receive them 💐)

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 15/06/2021 15:20

I might hold off telling him and pretend you found out too late for an abortion if you think he might pressure you into one.

Original poster
Ballsinabiscuittin · 15/06/2021 15:20

I have gone over and over about what is right and wrong in my own head and it's been and emotional couple of days, but I feel like I have made the right decision for myself it may be easier for everyone else for me to terminate, but it also goes against what I have always felt that I couldn't do it under any circumstances.
I honestly wish my nan was here to tell me what to do, she was like my mother and I can't even describe how much I miss her and her brutal honesty, love and support.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ballsinabiscuittin · 15/06/2021 15:22

I don't feel he would pressure me into having a termination, as he knows my views although I do think he may suggest it.
I'm not going to tell him just yet as I haven't had enough time to fully digest what's happening myself.

OP posts:
NessieMcNessface · 15/06/2021 15:40

When I saw a counsellor once during a pre- abortion consultation, she said that if any part of you wanted to keep the baby you should go ahead with the pregnancy regardless of anything else you might have to deal with as a result. I believe that to be right. I didn’t feel able to follow her advice due to circumstances that would just be too outing to disclose. However, I so wish I had. Congratulations on your pregnancy OP!

nina3638 · 15/06/2021 16:18

i think you’re making the right choice. yes it throws a massive spanner in the works but in my experience a termination is traumatising and never really leaves your mind

PerciphonePuma · 16/06/2021 02:13

@HollowTalk

But of course his partner will have to have something to do with the baby - her partner will be seeing all his kids at his own house, presumably? So staring her in the face is the proof of her partner's infidelity.

And if she leaves then her child won't have their dad living with them, either.

The knock on effects are horrendous.

You should be ashamed of yourself. Op has made her decision! How DARE you
PerciphonePuma · 16/06/2021 02:15

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

Just devil's advocate here, would you be as well to let him think its not his? If I could manage financially without his support then I might be tempted just to make up a one night stand and pretend I didn't keep his number.

Might save you all some emotional trauma, your existing children too as they will feel the effects of destabilising the situation between the 3 of you.

You're suggesting depriving a child having their father in their life by lying? Just to save herself from drama? Wow. Just wow
PerciphonePuma · 16/06/2021 02:17

@YellowFish12

Are you sure that you want to continue the pregnancy? Might be worth getting some counselling to talk this through.

The ‘easier’ option on your existing kids and for you (practically if not emotionally) would probably be not to continue the pregnancy.

OP has stated she has made her decision. It is appalling behaviour to try and change her mind. Absolutely disgusting
Backtoblack1 · 16/06/2021 03:29

Congratulations and good luck x

Marty13 · 16/06/2021 04:43

Hey OP, I think you might want to wait until 12 weeks to tell him anyway, as anything can happen until then and it gives you time to wrap your head around the situation.

BuddleiaBlooming · 16/06/2021 05:46

Lots of talk about a baby and continuing a pregnancy but the reality is this isn't a baby. It's a whole person with wants and desires and rights and a lifetime.

I'd feel very uneasy bringing a person into the world in these circumstances.

I sincerely hope your decisions plays out to be the right one Flowers

RedthroatedCaracara · 16/06/2021 05:47

I think you’ve just got to decide what’s best for you without too much thought of others on this one

Worst advice ever. Like pp said, OP is throwing a grenade into so many people's lives. There are 3 existing children who are very young to consider.

lightlypoached · 16/06/2021 06:43

@RedthroatedCaracara

I think you’ve just got to decide what’s best for you without too much thought of others on this one

Worst advice ever. Like pp said, OP is throwing a grenade into so many people's lives. There are 3 existing children who are very young to consider.

I agree that OP has to do what is right for her. Her ex DP made the decision, however drunkenly, to have sex, and he knew that there can be consequences to that, as there are in this case. It's as much on him as it is OP - if anyone is throwing grenades it's her exDP by being unfaithful.

It's a mess, yes , but pressuring a woman to terminate a pregnancy because it will upset others goes against the unalienable right for a woman to choose.

OP I wish you all the best with your pregnancy.

RedthroatedCaracara · 16/06/2021 09:02

But women and our rights do not exist in a vacuum. Others, particularly our children, should be taken into consideration. Indeed they should be prioritised when they are so young.

I'm guessing that OP's DC are aged between 10 & 7 - what impact is that going to have on them emotionally, practically and financially (OP will presumably be taking maternity leave)?

How will it affect their relationship with their dad? What impact will it have on his relationship with his other child - s/he matters.

And what if he chooses not to have a relationship with his fourth child - how will that impact their sense of self worth, their relationship with their siblings.

I'm not trying to pressurise OP into an abortion, I'm arguing against those who say she should do what's best for herself regardless of others.

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