If you could start over again with your DC, what would you do differently?

[whereiscaroline]

Just mulling this over after a tricky day with DS.

I wish that I'd focused more on building his self esteem when he was small, without worrying that overpraising would make him big headed or arrogant.

I wish I'd sent him to Cubs and Scouts! He struggles with school due to ADHD and I think he would have got a lot from being part of something vocational.

@Hax

Mine are adults now, both excelled at school and in good careers. There is very little I would change in hindsight but there was one big change we made when they were around 4/2 which made a huge difference. Prior to that we were very relaxed about behaviour and struggled a bit. A good friend said that if I couldn't manage a 4 year old then imagine how much harder it would be with a ten or 14 year old. So I put in a bit more discipline and was less tolerant of bad behaviour. It made a huge difference. I think the last time I ever had to implement " consequences " was when they were about 7. Dream teens. One little thing I would change. DC1 did piano and it was a pita making him practice and I eventually let them quit. I decided not to even bother with DC2. Mistake because I now know that he would have appreciated it.

Sorry I don't seem, to be able to tag you!

@garlictwist

This is a very interesting thread, although it does assume that your children's behaviour is a result of parenting - sometimes I think it isn't: kids' personalities and attitudes can also be innate and nothing that you could do differently as a parent would change it.

I think behaviour is far more inate than parents want to admit - they like to think their "parenting" is why their kids are so well bahaved. Nah, you just have well behaved kids. And kids aren't tidy because they are taught to be - they either are or they are not. My parents were inordinately fussy about things, I am not although I have got tidier as I have got older.

I wasn't strict enough about tech but more than most - didn't allow an xbox until ds was 14 and had a "charter" that he had to follow to keep it. I would honestly say keep computer games away for as long as you can, they cause so many arguments.

1. Realised that my best behaved kid (youngest) is actually conflict avoidant rather than laid back and naturally obedient. He's a teen who can't explain what he thinks and feels because he isn't used to debating and arguing.

1. Held off tech for longer. Once they have their own gadgets is a slippery slope to them having a private digital life. The kids with parents who check phones will have secret social media accounts or favour Snapchat where messages disappear

1. Made them continue with hobbies.

4 worry less about their fussy eating. It's annoying when they spend months/years with a limited diet but in the case of my kids they all ended up eating a normal range

Air Cadets. Fantastic thing to do - keeps them busy, disciplined, inculcates responsibility, teaches them to iron and polish their shoes - they also learn to fly, shoot guns, do public service - and you send them in brilliant week long holiday camps all around the country for £60 a week.

Better than scouts and without the paedophiles which is a bonus

Have you read How to talk to kids will listen @BeachWaves2

It’s absolutely brilliant. No lecturey, very forgiving, instant practical advice.

DD is a toddler so I’m taking notes. I found the book invaluable with my older step kids. There’s other versions for younger children and teens. Really properly useful. You can just open it and find something applicable.

I would have got involved with our local church the moment we moved and got dd1 and 2 into the church school dd3 eventually went to. I got a loadout of joining the Church and the school was amazing.

If I could re-live it all again, I wouldn't smack - ever. I know it's never done now, but it was more common in the seventies, and certainly in my family and friendship groups. I didn't smack often, but nevertheless I can't forget that I did, and I will never, ever forgive myself.

Been less strict and slower to make snap judgements/decisions

For all you bewailing you’re lazy teens, my two were doing chores around the house from 6yo and they still turned into teenage slobs

I wish I had ridden them less about working for exams, it made no difference in the end as they pretty much got their predicted grades

I wish I had spotted my son was properly clinically depressed and needed medicating rather than thinking it was “typical teen” behaviour. It took something pretty devastating to happen before we stepped off our own treadmills and took it 100% seriously

Lots of things, really. The main thing is though to accept you cannot change basic personality traits by trying to control them.

I don’t know...so many! I have a 16yo and 13yo and I feel like my opportunity to instil self motivation, work ethic and healthy eating (not just eating Nutella out of the jar with a spoon!?) is passing me by daily. Definitely would’ve had more tech boundaries. Definitely would’ve been more persistent in getting them to try activities/sports and not give up. They used to confide in me more but worry that I tried to find solutions too much and should’ve just listened.

Asked for help when DS was a toddler instead of struggling for years with challenging behaviour and thinking it was my fault because I was a single mum and not patient enough . DS has ASD and EDS.

If I’d known what I know now I would not have had them.

I've got a Mansur Gavriel tote that I love. Otherwise I'd say the Neverfull, but maybe have a look at the Epi so you get leather?

My best friend has this and swears by it. 5 years old now and still looks new: www.ssense.com/en-us/women/product/saint-laurent/black-eastwest-shopping-tote/6367461?gclid=Cj0KCQjwk4yGBhDQARIsACGfAetaCKLkblT4nBTnB6TTg-EdkoEuVB824Fi-i1_2LYTxoqDKnzz5A7UaAnTqEALw_wcB

@AnneLovesGilbert.
Hi, I am half way through that book! Finding some helpful tips especially in how to talk to young children it's just I'm struggling to remember it in the heat of the moment the way I should be phrasing certain things, especially if I'm already stressed. It's just I see my 4 year old already copying my inpatience and the way I speak so I really really want to nip it in the bud now. I really want to be calm but I feel over whelmed alot by noise especially when they argue and shout at each other my fight or flight just kicks in straight away and my calm is instantly gone and obviously I just end up making things worse.
Anyone have any tips on diffusing squabbling and arguing? Or noticing it before it starts so it doesnt trigger my stress responses! X

when I ask why they talk back to me they say it's because I didn't discipline them enough.
DS3 reckons I should've done a good beating every night before bed....of his siblings
😳

D

Not bothered with half the trite they feed you at children centre sessions when they're little. All that time wasting and making you feel like a bad parent if you don't follow the advice and make you think your kids will turn out horrible.

An experienced mum of 5 once said to me "they grow up into who they are as people," and that stuck with me.

My kids are little terrors because we didn't do a behaviour "starry sky chart".

*aren't little terrors

Now I work in school, I would have set much less store by what teachers told me. I now realise it's mostly box ticking and they're making it up as they go along , the same as us.

Not to start loads of clubs like Brownies etc and spend more time at home.

Following this thread for tips

I wish I had the opportunity to actually learn more about attachment etc before becoming a parent, the first six months were a complete shit show which then took a long time to recover from.

Be more relaxed, I thought I’d be Daniel Hillard/Mrs Doubtfire type of parent, life of the party, spontaneous, chocolate for breakfast. It turns out I’m actually Miranda Hillard. I’m better now, but I should have chilled out more in the early days.

DS is bloody amazing, lots of emotional IQ, very bright and sociable, but I know part of that is owed to the huge amount of difficulties he faced as a baby and as a child.

Would I do things different, probably not, as what I like most if him is his levels of resilience, but if I could undo the past, it would be to continue to sit together to have dinner together and talk for hours rather than joining on the bandwagon of allowing children to have an earlier dinner and go to bed at 7 and the adults eating afterwards.

@HiGunny

I wish I'd been easier going about food and just given them whatever we were eating, and not panicked when they wouldn't eat. Instead I spent hours making special uber healthy meals for them and somehow ended up cooking different meals for each child. It's been a long battle to try and come back from that.

I also wish I hadn't hissed 'that person is watching you' whenever they started to misbehave as my eldest is now very paranoid about what people think of him 😩

I think it's a bad and rude practice to use other people in that way. Either you parent the child or not, don't use strangers to scare your child into doing what you want. People who used me in that way all did it just once, because I'll get angry at the parent for making me the bogeyman.

So many things with my eldest. I bitterly regret so much.
But
I got to do it all over again as I had a surprise baby 10 years later.
I’m completely different, completely.
So much better.

Not much, to be honest. Our children have become very good people of whom I am inordinately proud. I wouldn't want them to be any different to who they are.

Actually, I would sleep the train the firstborn too.