If you could start over again with your DC, what would you do differently?

[whereiscaroline]

Just mulling this over after a tricky day with DS.

I wish that I'd focused more on building his self esteem when he was small, without worrying that overpraising would make him big headed or arrogant.

I wish I'd sent him to Cubs and Scouts! He struggles with school due to ADHD and I think he would have got a lot from being part of something vocational.

*kneejerk reaction

I do wish i hadn't tried so hard to follow Gina Ford's nap routine, stressed me out so much as my daughter needed longer asleep and less wake time. The routine was great for feeds though, i stopped following re naps after about 2 weeks.
I also wish i'd relaxed more and gone out and not worried re which bus to catch, especially given she'd nap in her pushchair so i had no reason to rush home, i could have sat in the park with a coffee and a book, could have gone to the pub for lunch, i let my anxiety take over and didn't get back on my medication soon enough to enjoy mat leave.
With her i wouldn't change anything we've done, i do wish i could get her to listen though! I guess that's typical for a 4yr old.

Phones are tricky. My DS14 uses his phone to take to school but doesn't bother otherwise. Often have to remind him to charge it.

It's basically because he gets his social interaction on the Xbox. All his friend game there. He isn't allowed one in the bedroom so uses the lounge and gets most annoyed when he gets kicks off for the rare occasion of wanting the TV too.

Wish we had a separate room downstairs!!

So Xbox but it means he doesn't bother with social media so that's a good thing.

I would of refused his chemo at 7 months (if allowed) it didn't work and his neuroblastoma was slow growing that now just sits on his spine. The amount of medical issues it has caused gives him absolutely no real quality of life and it is heartbreaking. I blame myself daily even though I know it was out of my hands. I would have got my other son diagnosed with his adhd and autism much earlier so he wod have had support. Oh, and the useless dad thing!!!

@ShinyGreenElephant

Pick Dads for them who aren't complete idiots.

Kind of this. It's been really tiring doing it on my own and fighting him to make sure they're responsible, decent people, rather than entitled arses.

They're a bit lazy, so I wish I could have provided them with a better work ethic. But they're otherwise lovely, respectful people. So yes just been a bit more disciplined with regard to homework, helping out etc. But I'm generally kind to myself about that most of the time because of paragraph 1.

Oh and I wish I hadn't listened to the midwife who told me not to bottlefeed at the beginning because it would get in the way of breastfeeding,. Load of shyte. He would never take the bottle, which caused me a lot of stress. With the second baby I bottle fed expressed milk from day one. No problem.

I also would probably give them formula as well as I think I was a bit brainwashed about breastfeeding and the effect on bonding of my lack of sleep from hungry babies probably didn't balance out the health benefits.

Had less FOMO w/regards to them always getting to spend time with their friends/keep up with what their friends are doing. It means they feel no need to plan ahead, just announce what they’re doing at the drop of a hat, as they’ve always been accommodated. Being a little bit bored in the house would not have killed them and their friends who “never come out” or don’t have smart phones are, we’re discovering, not considered weirdos or ostracised or have any less friends for it.

Echo all tech sentiments above. The genie is well and truly out of the bottle now.

Not allowed internet use.

The tech thing seems so hard. I need to lead by example but that’s hard too. I have a boy and apparently they all end up with consoles. Will he be the one who doesn’t have one? And who misses out the chat with his friends. It seems so all or nothing with phones, I wish there was half way kind of phone. That allowed some messaging apps but not access to the whole internet. I do worry a lot about the kids accessing all sorts of info and then deciding it’s a fact. The echo chamber that someone mentioned above is a big problem

Be a lot more ‘hands on.’ Lots of positive interaction, trying out new things to build up self confidence.

Made them eat with us in the dining room, got them more involved in cooking and cleaning, less screen time, more trips and days out.

Great thread. Am watching for tips. I am trying to be more patient with my 4 year old son. Recently I have noticed how much I tell him to stop doing things and I hate it.

No phones at 12
Cubs, brownies, forest school. I didn't clock until age 6 or 7 and by then the waiting lists were so long it put me off.
I'd have gotten a car and learned to enjoy driving (or tolerate). So many things we haven't done because we'd have to drive!

Yes to tech being controlled better - HOWEVER it’s such a slippery eel to get hold of, it’s not as simple as not having it all the time - WhatsApp has allowed DD to be part of stuff and she has learnt to stay out of dramas on it, and about the etiquette of how to communicate a bit. I did hold off on Tiktok and Insta, she only got her phone in May last yr (yr 6, 11.5yrs old) and they were added one at a time later (insta only a month ago) so she knows it is contingent on her using her phone sensibly and I think allowed time for better habits to grow. Phone charges in my room overnight from about 8.30/9pm - I cannot believe how late the messages keep pinging from other kids.
DS is 9, nearly ten and loves his laptop and playing Roblox - again it’s been amazing for socialising with friends but he had a ban this week for bad behaviour & has been such a chirpy, happy boy - when I asked him why he said he thinks it’s because of the tech ban. He is starting to realise that although he loves playing video games & watching gamers, it doesn’t do much for his mood. He also recognises that he does other things more when he doesn’t default to the laptop. We have agreed a no-gaming day a week and I will limit it more than I was before.

Yes to being patient. I am better at asking myself if it REALLY matters now, and also not getting emotionally invested in things, but I also recognise I was doing the best I could... but I’m sad that they remember me being shouty and stressy instead of chilled and calm - I also think they learnt how to (not always) regulate their emotions from this which is why we are quite a stressy & critical household at times !!

Mine are adults now, both excelled at school and in good careers. There is very little I would change in hindsight but there was one big change we made when they were around 4/2 which made a huge difference. Prior to that we were very relaxed about behaviour and struggled a bit. A good friend said that if I couldn't manage a 4 year old then imagine how much harder it would be with a ten or 14 year old. So I put in a bit more discipline and was less tolerant of bad behaviour. It made a huge difference. I think the last time I ever had to implement " consequences " was when they were about 7.
Dream teens.
One little thing I would change. DC1 did piano and it was a pita making him practice and I eventually let them quit. I decided not to even bother with DC2. Mistake because I now know that he would have appreciated it.

Got them doing more chores from an early age. 2 lazy teens later and I'm kicking myself about that one.

Noticed DS1's ASD earlier.

Insisted on healthy diets from the start of their experience with food. 1 son is top end of a healthy weight and the other is quite overweight and this is due to his shockingly bad diet which we've been tackling recently but feels like we've left it too late to change his mindset as it's a constant battle.

Those issues aside they are lovely boys who have never given us any trouble and are turning into lovely (albeit lazy) young men who are often complimented by adults on how they come across, so I know we did some things right, but I would definitely enforce healthy eating, exercise and tidiness if I could do it all over again.

Have better boundaries myself so she actually respects me and not treats me like her personal slave

Improve her self esteem

Make her do her chores (make bed, tidy room, put her own dishes in dishwasher and tidy kitchen after she uses every pot in the place for her personal meals)...not even shared family chores. (She's 15 and well capable...)

Improve her social skills and make more friends

Nothing really. They're happy, intelligent and motivated youngsters - Couldn't ask for more than that.

@lavenderandwisteria

I just really wish I’d somehow managed to breastfeed. It’s such a source of sadness.

Please don't let this be a source of sadness. Please. I BF my DD (now 15) for 8 weeks. Well actually I didn't/couldn't really. A lot of top ups with FF as I could not produce the milk. It was hell. I was utterly miserable, in pain, got thrush, she was not thiriving.

My marvellous health visitor (they do exist) said "Tryto, if you want permission to give up breastfeeding from me a) you don't need it but b) you have it. A happier mum is 200 x more important that whether she is BF or FF. And believe me, you will not give a stuff what went in her gob when she was a baby when you are at her 2nd/5th/18th birthday party. At her first day of school, at parents evening."

She was completely right. I really do not give a stuff. Had her Y10 parents evening last night. My inability to feed her breast milk has not impacted on her one little bit.

Please don't be sad. Though I know this is easier said than done.

Never bought the first one a pony. I had three kids all of whom ended up horse obsessed and its cost me a fortune. Rotten windows, 35 year old kitchen, shit car, no holidays

Wish I'd been more hardline on snacks instead of giving in too easily for a quiet life!

Not allowed iPads during lockdown! Only gave them due to online schooling. Mine are now only allowed them at weekends, which is working well and we are all happier for it.

Thanks try but it isn’t because of anyone’s expectations. I just really wanted to and it does upset me a lot I didn’t.

@Hax, care to elaborate on that? I'm quite interested.