DS is refusing to eat every meal I make him and I am at my wit’s end.

[AngeloMysterioso]

DS is 19 months. Hasn’t got the hang of feeding himself with a spoon or fork yet. He’s recently taken to refusing to eat anything that has to be fed to him, and most things that don’t. I’m running out of ideas for what to feed him that he’ll actually eat.

He used to have a Weetabix with berries or half a banana for breakfast, won’t eat that anymore because we have to feed it to him so we’ve swapped the Weetabix for a piece of buttered fruit toast. So far so good (and great for DH because he’s the one who gives him breakfast). Mid morning/pre-nap snack is an Organix oat bar. Sometimes he’ll have a couple of rice cakes in the afternoon and he gets 6oz of stage 3 formula at bedtime (an extra oz if he’s not had much dinner which is pretty much every day lately) and water during the day. He’s 91st centile weight-wise for his age.

Recently I’ve tried-

Lunch- small finger sandwiches with ham/dairylea spread and cucumber/houmous. DS wouldn’t touch them, screamed his head off, I got stressed out, food wasted, DS hangry by dinner time.

Dinner- lamb koftas, potato croquettes, steamed broccoli florets. Nibbled a little bit, left the rest, food wasted, had an extra oz of formula at bedtime but still woke in the night for an extra bottle.

Lunch- a small 1-egg omelette with mushrooms, spinach and peppers, and Philly roll ups (a piece of Kingsmill 50/50 vitamin boost bread, flattened and spread with Philadelphia, rolled up and cut into slices). Ate the roll ups, mostly ignored the omelette (which he used to eat no problem). Food wasted. DS hangry by dinner time which made me stressed out.

Dinner- a M&S taste buds cheese and tomato pizza, added some extra mushrooms and peppers on top. Nibbled a little bit but left most of it, food wasted, woke in the middle of the night for an extra bottle feed.

Lunch - cherry tomatoes, avocado, cucumber, orange and yellow peppers chopped into little toddler sized pieces. Didn’t touch a single thing and screamed his head off. Food wasted (again), me very close to losing my shit. DS hangry by dinner time.

Dessert at lunchtime is a Collective yogurt sucky pouch which he usually finishes. Dessert at dinner (not every day) is a Sainsbury’s pancake which these days, again, he usually ignores.

The only things he eats at mealtimes without protest are chicken goujons, fish fingers (we get the omega-3 ones for what it’s worth), chips or sweet potato fries. That’s it. All the other stuff I used to give him I now can’t because he won’t let us feed him so anything so lunches like chunky soup and bread or cous cous or pasta salad are no longer an option. Dinners that I could batch cook and freeze are no longer an option. I don’t want to keep giving him beige crap for every meal but I can’t take being screamed at every time I try to give him something else, and I don’t want meal times to just become something stressful for us both. I also can’t afford to keep buying food that just gets thrown on the floor and in the bin. I’m sure that it’s just a phase that every toddler goes through but I’m beginning to lose my mind.

Outside of food issues try working on fine motor skills with fun things and then put the spook or fork in their hand for eating and remind them to use it frequently.

THis age is frustration all round can't communicate properly yet so get frustrated, haven't the skills to feed self so get frustrated etc. Also try dropping milk to am and pm only ie on waking and bedtime and if that doesn't encourage self feeding of available foods then drop morning one too, its also a messy age but let them get on with it with a plastic sheet down for clear up, they get better at it

Hand a spoon and let him try and do it. The you pop in with another spoon in between him trying. Yep my kitchen looked like warzone but he ate

Can you try making yourself something that might appeal to him, anything really other than his nuggets as long as its child friendly. Take it into the living room where he is playing at around lunchtime when he should be starting to get hungry (but not starving). Just say nothing and start eating. Would he notice? Would he be jealous/curious enough to ask to try some? Bit of reverse psychology, this is just an idea and it might be that a nutritionist or child psychologist will come along and say its wrong somehow! But i just know my kids were and still are all over me like a rash in this situation, but put them in the high chair and they could get a bit refusey just because attention seeking etc. I'm not saying you want to start giving all meals in the living room but if it works you can use this method to broaden his tastes back out a bit.

Also, just give him spoon and a bowl of thick porridge, stew, mash, yoghurt and fruit, puddle of soup and dippy bread- anything like that and let him at it. It's messy and annoying but if he eats at least some it'll be worth it to avoid the other kind of stress (total refusal)

Hi OP. I had the same issues with both of my DC. I didn't follow much of the advice here for various reasons and they area still fussy eaters! From my own experience I would say don't give up offering them a range of food and eat at the same time as them if possible. If I could get go back in time and be able to do this I would. With eczema I also had the advice from my GP of only bathe 2-3 times a week to not dry out the skin. I found organic milk made an improvement (if you still want to use formula you can try Hipp Organic). And we used Epaderm ointment for moisturising his patches and which can also be put in the bath as a cleanser. I think using this made the biggest difference.

The key thing is it doesn't matter what you put infront of him just a tiny little selection on a small plate and walk away from him. Busy yourself. He won't eat if your breathing down his neck getting stressed about it and you could actually make him a lot worse. He won't starve. Take the pressure off yourself. Stop worrying and leave him to it

@AngeloMysterioso

Out of curiosity why don't you want him having too much dairy? Formula is made from cows milk so this seems really strange?

GP suggested cutting down (didn’t say to cut it out altogether) because he’s had a bit of eczema so wanted to see if that improved it.

Also said to only bathe him two or three times a week, so letting him attempt to eat with his hands and shower himself in his dinner every night wouldn’t really work.

It seems strange that your GP suggested cutting down on dairy to see if the eczema improves. If he is reacting to dairy, surely it will be the cow's milk protein that's causing the issue, so even with a small amount of dairy in his diet, and that could be from formula only (if you were to cut out all other sources of dairy), the problem protein would still be present. Really he is still very very young and I agree with others saying you're overthinking it and stressing unnecessarily, and giving him way too much choice. Think back-to-basics. Give him - and you - a break for a few days. He doesn't need any fancy home cooked food and it's best for very young children to try new foods one at a time. He won't come to any harm if he has a bland diet for a bit and the formula will keep him 'topped up'. Meal times can be fun, and you want him to enjoy food and not see it as a source of stress. Is he your first child?

Have you considered the massive wearable bibs that would save the need for the a bath after a messy meal but allow him to feed himself still. Try not to think of the food on the floor as wasted, as frustrating as it is to see. It's all a learning process at this age and it won't last forever. And remind yourself that you're doing a great job. Toddlers are hard!

He is indeed my first born. And I have no bloody idea what I’m doing. Can you tell?

I am taking note of all the advice by the way. I really don’t want this to become A Big Thing.

Welcome to having a toddler. It’s been that way with both of mine!

Would he have an egg and soldiers? He can dip them himself. My DS always ate well but an egg and soldiers eaten at the table without a high chair always worked if he was having an off day.

He loved bananas at that age but only of it was whole and he could eat it himself. The same with raisins.

I used to also cut up small sandwiches and leave them knocking around. He would eat them whilst he played.

I think they go through food phases. As long as he is eating something even if it's the same for a while you are winning.

Just give him what he will eat for the time being. I think I would t ry and cut down on the formula a bit. But don't stress over it.

@mistermagpie 100% micro fibre for the win!

Sounds like he's reached the age where he just needs more control over mealtimes. Stop trying to spoon-feed him, he's making it really clear to you that he's too old for that now. You need one of those huge coverall bibs and then you won't need to bath him after every meal. IKEA do ones with sleeves that are OKish, but you can get vast ones that completely cover the high chair tray, or ones with a strap that hook over the table. Keep putting (toddler-sized!) cutlery out and let him experiment with it, but let him use his hands when he wants to. Completely ignore all mess until the end of the meal. Get a pack of cheap facecloths for face and hands when he's finished and let him have a go at washing himself before you "help him finish off".

I would cut out the formula and all packeted "baby" food (or food marketed at toddlers like squeezy pouches etc) and just keep serving up a wide range of nutritious, appetising homemade food, making sure to include all the things you say he's liked in the past as well as introducing new things. Make sure that every meal includes a variety of foods. Sit with him and eat exactly the same food as he is having. Let him experiment with it without praise or blame. More or less ignore it and don't react if he dumps it on the floor or smears it in his hair - if he's really having a huge tantrum then cheerfully remove the plate without getting cross and ask if he's had enough and would like to get down (even if he hasn't eaten anything at all!). This is not forever: at the moment your priority should be on "resetting" mealtimes so that he doesn't associate them with stress or pressure, not on mess or table manners or food waste. That can come later - he won't still be doing this when he's school-age. If he wants to get down, let him. If he indicates that he's hungry, ask if he'd like to sit up at the table and offer the same food again. From memory, the NHS pages recommend serving up a food at least 20 times before concluding that a toddler genuinely doesn't like it. (Obviously this doesn't mean forcing them to eat it or even to taste it, just don't get discouraged and assume it's not worth trying a food against just because he's rejected it once or twice in the past.)

You can minimise food waste by giving him only a little of each food at a time, which is a good idea anyway as he'll feel less overwhelmed by it. If you've cooked too much then keep any leftovers in the fridge for a future meal for him or yourself. But honestly, I think you need to change your mindset about mess and food waste. Letting him learn to feed himself and taking a huge step back from all the stress yourself is actually a really important investment in the future if you want him to eat well, far more important than a few bits of bread and omelette on the floor or whatever.

Send him to nursery, they eat everything there! Not that I'm bitter in the slightest 😂

My DS is a nightmare at mealtimes for me. Winners if I'm not up to the battle are sliced banana & dry Cheerios (which are fortified so not all bad), beans on toast, cheese & crackers/oatcakes with cherry tomatoes & cucumber etc.
Definitely pick your battles and if you're not in the mood for one, avoid it with an "easy" food.x

give yourself a break and give him what he will eat and don't worry about nutrition for a few days.

maybe he hates where he sits and wants a change. make it fun, have a picnic on a blanket once a day? or establish a small table he can reach while standing - they don't have to always sit to eat!

I also feel there's always too much choice or mix of things. (and what's with all the peppers? stoppit!😁)
try one thing, say a few slices of apples instead of a fruit salad.
some kids are better off with "grazing" throught the day. so a few grapes here, a piece of cheese there will add up soon!

do you ever eat with him? I used to have at least a cup of tea or an apple to consume while feeding DS1 (or whomever was being fed alone) so it became a shared activity rather than him "performing", if you see what I mean.

hope you find these thoughts useful, I'll re-read your posts later to see if I can think of anything else. lots of great posts before me!

He is indeed my first born. And I have no bloody idea what I’m doing

Bless you.

My first born has just become a moody teenager and I have no bloody idea what I'm doing.

That's the joy of parenting, lurching from one crisis to another and never quite feeling like you're doing it right.

@WooTwo

I've read that kids become fussy eaters at toddler age due to evolution - as kids become able to wander off it was the ones who didn't want to eat the stuff that was dangerous who survived.

I don't know how true that is but it might help how with how frustrating it feels when he's lobbing stuff on the floor - at least he's less likely to eat the deadly berries if he toddles off out of sight!

Yes, totally normal for food aversion at this stage - and for another while yet! Keep offering simple easy foods, one or two things at a time, and don't stress about it. Eat with him when you can, as a family. He'll learn eating behavior from you.

My daughter had cherios in milk which she ater with her hands - fished them out. Spaghetti and pasta in sauce which she ate with her hands. Its slippery but a few bits went in- (children learn co ordination and experimentation.) No more than about ten bits of penne on the plate and no accompaniments. When its finnished with, played with etc, spoonful of sweetcorn to pick up, cherry tomatoes in bits couple of tiny bits of bread or fragments of cheese. Tiny bits of fruit. Left her sitting in her chair for ages while i chatted to her and had a messy mat to go under the chair which meant i didnt have to keep washing the floor. Shook it off and stuffed it in on a quick wash. Just one or two things at a time in front of them, children need to play with food to experience it and understand it. Its a normal part of child development and becoming a more independent child. Offer praise at such good trying and good eating when they eat something dont mention it when they dont and remember we all have foods and textures we just do not like.

*behaviour. Bloody American-centric autocorrect.
Look up baby-led weaning. The window has passed somewhat but you can read the theory which should help explain things from baby's perspective and from an evolutionary and social perspective. It could help put your mind at rest.

Try going more simple. My toddler at that age loved plain fried or boiled chicken with one side veg at a time. Plain salmon/ cod. No sauces or mixed foods at all.

@AngeloMysterioso

He is indeed my first born. And I have no bloody idea what I’m doing. Can you tell?

I am taking note of all the advice by the way. I really don’t want this to become A Big Thing.

aawww.

I have 7 kids. I have some idea🤣
But with every change I'm back to panting like Timon in the Lion King desperate for a time out to catch my breath and get my head round to what the hell's just happened!

but you can do it. if he's hungry he'll eat eventually

@AngeloMysterioso

He is indeed my first born. And I have no bloody idea what I’m doing. Can you tell?

I am taking note of all the advice by the way. I really don’t want this to become A Big Thing.

My terrible eating ds was my first born too. It's very daunting and everything you read says they must have xyz per day. Not every child runs from the manual. Gosh I had one at both extremes, one who never ate and one who never stopped. So they are who they are, and your ds sounds as quite strong willed as mine.

But they do pick up on anxiety and if he isn't getting his full quota of fruit and veg every day, it doesn't matter.

It will get better OP, I promise.

He's got you dancing on a string like a puppet.

Strap him in the highchair, give him a plastic bowl of porridge and a small plastic spoon and leave him to get on with it.

Lunch; plastic bowl of smooth veg soup, and his own spoon.

Tea, plastic bowl of scrambled egg, and his own spoon.

Are you eating at the same time as him? One of by DC stopped allowing me to feed them at 6 months! It was in the days of earlier weaning but they were still very young. We had a diet of very thick soup with bread dipped in, stews / pasta and penne / things on toast for weeks until they got more adept at feeding them selves.they learn through watching others and trial and error so it is very important that they see you eating and enjoying your food.