DS is refusing to eat every meal I make him and I am at my wit’s end.

[AngeloMysterioso]

DS is 19 months. Hasn’t got the hang of feeding himself with a spoon or fork yet. He’s recently taken to refusing to eat anything that has to be fed to him, and most things that don’t. I’m running out of ideas for what to feed him that he’ll actually eat.

He used to have a Weetabix with berries or half a banana for breakfast, won’t eat that anymore because we have to feed it to him so we’ve swapped the Weetabix for a piece of buttered fruit toast. So far so good (and great for DH because he’s the one who gives him breakfast). Mid morning/pre-nap snack is an Organix oat bar. Sometimes he’ll have a couple of rice cakes in the afternoon and he gets 6oz of stage 3 formula at bedtime (an extra oz if he’s not had much dinner which is pretty much every day lately) and water during the day. He’s 91st centile weight-wise for his age.

Recently I’ve tried-

Lunch- small finger sandwiches with ham/dairylea spread and cucumber/houmous. DS wouldn’t touch them, screamed his head off, I got stressed out, food wasted, DS hangry by dinner time.

Dinner- lamb koftas, potato croquettes, steamed broccoli florets. Nibbled a little bit, left the rest, food wasted, had an extra oz of formula at bedtime but still woke in the night for an extra bottle.

Lunch- a small 1-egg omelette with mushrooms, spinach and peppers, and Philly roll ups (a piece of Kingsmill 50/50 vitamin boost bread, flattened and spread with Philadelphia, rolled up and cut into slices). Ate the roll ups, mostly ignored the omelette (which he used to eat no problem). Food wasted. DS hangry by dinner time which made me stressed out.

Dinner- a M&S taste buds cheese and tomato pizza, added some extra mushrooms and peppers on top. Nibbled a little bit but left most of it, food wasted, woke in the middle of the night for an extra bottle feed.

Lunch - cherry tomatoes, avocado, cucumber, orange and yellow peppers chopped into little toddler sized pieces. Didn’t touch a single thing and screamed his head off. Food wasted (again), me very close to losing my shit. DS hangry by dinner time.

Dessert at lunchtime is a Collective yogurt sucky pouch which he usually finishes. Dessert at dinner (not every day) is a Sainsbury’s pancake which these days, again, he usually ignores.

The only things he eats at mealtimes without protest are chicken goujons, fish fingers (we get the omega-3 ones for what it’s worth), chips or sweet potato fries. That’s it. All the other stuff I used to give him I now can’t because he won’t let us feed him so anything so lunches like chunky soup and bread or cous cous or pasta salad are no longer an option. Dinners that I could batch cook and freeze are no longer an option. I don’t want to keep giving him beige crap for every meal but I can’t take being screamed at every time I try to give him something else, and I don’t want meal times to just become something stressful for us both. I also can’t afford to keep buying food that just gets thrown on the floor and in the bin. I’m sure that it’s just a phase that every toddler goes through but I’m beginning to lose my mind.

Mine went through both an independent 'SELF!!!' & Food Separatist phase at that age too. I'd give them penne or farfalle pasta in home made tomato or pesto sauce on their high chair and they'd just pick it up. Same with cereal. Whole grain Cheerios they could pick up. Oatcakes and crackers they could pick up. Cheese cut in long strips they could pick up. Normal toast with butter cut into strips. Shreddies or Mini wetabix sprinkled on their high chair with a little milk to soften them but they can still pick up. Bagels cut into wedges. Potato scones. French toast in strips. Wraps with soft cheese cut into wheel shapes, again that they can pick up. A wee pile of ham next to buttered bread, rather than the sandwich. Those yoghurts that they can suck The Collective pouches. Pizza without the toppings for a while.

I had to accept the reduction in veg for a good while. Now they are older they will eat more of it and are back to some soups.

They do go through this phase and come out the other end if they have been exposed to the flavours earlier. I would always put one thing I knew they would eat alongside one thing that is new. Got some weird combinations like banana in hummus mind!

They also need lots of exposure to new things, I remember some foods would be ignored until maybe the 20 or 30th time. That's why I would mostly try & prepare meals we would all eat because then it wasn't much waste. I did get bored though but it wasn't for too long. Keep presenting the food but with something familiar too. So like, fish fingers alongside the rice & curry. If rice is made stickier you can give them it with some sauce (or not, see above food separatism) and they can pick it up with their hands in wee lumps.

Ideally if he is eating at least two meals a day with you or his dad, it's more sociable, people are chatting the focus is not on THE FOOD. They often rebel at that age over anything they don't have full control over. You must eat = no I won't. It's so hard to remain calm but it's really important. Otherwise it ends up in a battle. You can't force a child to eat. It's not worth it.

We wasted so much food at that stage, it was soul destroying and annoying & even now I get frustrated at how few meals all 4 of us in my house will enjoy. But the only way though is more finger foods, more enjoyable meal times and more acceptance that he's a toddler & it's what they do. Good luck OP.

It's hard but you need to not stress out about it, and just focus on something else which is why family eating helps. Just keep providing him with a range of healthy foods and if he eats it great if he doesn't also great.
Putting tiny amounts at a time from a main plate in the middle of the table helps with waste.
Personally I'd cut out the beige food at home and the yogurt pouch if your reducing dairy.
If he screams at the table then calmly get him down from the table and you carry on eating.

Have you tried giving him a fish finger or whatever in his high chair and then eating the omelette yourself next to him, ideally with exaggerated expressions of yummy ness and being very clear it’s all yours?

@Deadleaf29

Have you tried giving him a fish finger or whatever in his high chair and then eating the omelette yourself next to him, ideally with exaggerated expressions of yummy ness and being very clear it’s all yours?

Oh yes this is a brilliant technique for tricky toddlers. It also works very effectively for getting them to wear sunhats.

Stick to what you know he will eat as a 'safe food' so you know he will eat something. Put a small amount of something he may/may not eat on the plate or a separate one but no encouraging to eat, just leave it there and let him make the choice. The more you try and encourage/ get stressed etc the worse it will get and you don't want him starting to associate food with stress/emotion.

Soya milk instead of dairy, homeopath may help (ducks)

I found giving one food at a time helped and no yoghurt.

So carrots, then cheese or whatever

Bread last

My DD is almost 18 months and is definitely going through a cheese and/or tomato phase!
She won't entertain bread, but will have a cheese (either cream or grated) and tomato purée toastie (made with a tortilla or sandwich thin) with some chopped cherry tomatoes, ham, cucumber and sweetcorn. Some days she eats it all, some days she just has the contents of the toastie!

She's a big pasta fan - so tuna pasta bake, pesto pasta (with ham and cheese) cheesy pasta (cream cheese stirred into cooked pasta with peas & sweetcorn)

She loves DH's curry sauce, but will lick the sauce off the chicken and won't touch rice so has pasta instead!

We found, with porridge for breakfast, giving her a spoon to "try" to feed herself, while one of us actually feeds her helps. Or loading the spoon and giving it to her definitely started the ball rolling for her feeding herself. It's messy but worth it for letting them getting the hang of things. Now she uses her fork to stab her food, but will sometimes use the other hand to remove it from the fork and pop it into her mouth - you can't win them all!

I apologise in advance if what I’m about to suggest is not considered safe food for a 19 mo (I do not have children). DM apparently craved all 3 of these things during pregnancy with me, and only tried them out of desperation when I was acting in a similar way to your DS, but a bit older (2y).

Prawns (cooked, obv), avocado, smoked salmon

According to my DM, these three things were like catnip to me, even when mixed in with other food items (bread, pasta, rice, fruit etc).

(She also had a craving for Marmite, but that definitely did NOT work)!

My ds was honestly the worst eater ever. I was also fretting until one of my aunts came to visit and here I was enduring the lunch time battle. She said just give him what you know he will eat. That was a very small list of fish fingers, potato wedges and pears. That was it. And ready brek in the morning. He actually only started eating proper food once dd was 6 months and starting weaning, and she ate everything. So I think a bit of competition might work.

Just to add he's in his 20s now and is fit and healthy. But he still doesn't like a variety of foods. He likes what he likes. For eg he will only ever order one type of pizza, will never consider changing it for something else.

Just scale back as the pressure is awful, I know. (of course every other child in the ante natal group ate everything offered so that helped me none)

Definitely try to eat with your child and feed him the same food that you are having. Children need to learn by watching what others do so modelling the behaviour that you want is just as important for mealtimes as it is for other skills like walking/talking etc.

As hard as it is to do, the less fuss you can make the better. Leave the food out for 20-30 mins max and any uneaten food should be taken away with no fuss. Agree with others saying drop the formula and the bottle. If you’re worried about vitamins give the vitamin drops instead.

It goes everywhere but his mouth.

This doesn’t matter. He needs to learn the dexterity needed to use a spoon.
I’m getting the feeling it’s not that he doesn’t like the food. But he wants to be independent and do it himself.
I wouod put a nice big plastic bib on him and ket him get in with it. Maybe with you adding a few spoonful in between his own tries.

I used to get stressed about nutrition and toddlers refusing food. Two things helped:

Someone telling me to assess the weekly or even fortnightly nutrition, rather than That Day (at least in the short term).

Ripe avocados - I cut the top off and let my toddlers eat them with a spoon. Buttery, soft, easy, fun, lots of nutritional value - it worked really well. Also, I spread soft avocado as butter underneath peanut butter on toast to boost nutrition.

I was a total stress about it though. It does get better.

do you have a younger child/new baby as well.

You need to let him feed himself and you need to as much as possible eat with it. It sounds like he is going through the phase that most babies go through when they are learning to self-feed, except usually that happens much younger. But you've continued to spoonfeed him, so he hasn't learned that.

Also, it is possible to keep them clean even with eczema. Mine has gone through stages of eczema on his face and using an emollient cream regularly, including for cleansing has worked well.

That said, they often refuse to eat when you hover and are getting anxious about it all. It sounds like you need to relax, eat your meal, let him get on with it, even if he doesn't eat much. Offer a snack between meals so he isn't so hungry or extra milk later.

I had a food refuser at that age too.
Was so slim too- no health problems.

My GP- mother of 5 kids herself suggested just letting my DS graze, instead of all the focus on mealtimes.
I would leave out an ice cube tray with healthy little snacks, chicken, pinto beans, cheese, cooked pasta, chopped fruit, pieces of raw and cooked vegetables, strips of toast. I would top it up through the day. He would eat far more this way, often when he was distracted, if we were reading etc.
He is now 6'3". And has no food issues.

Sounds normal, I did BLW with my DS (2) and he used to eat everything up until about 15 months. Hes not a terrible eater by any stretch but for example will only eat plain pasta, oven food, hes gone off chickn and he used to love it. Wont touch most veg but hes good with fruit, hot and miss with breakfast - goes through phases. I just give him what I know he likes even if I have to cook him separate food at night. One thing ive learnt is you cant force a toddler to do what they dont want. Stubborn things.

OP put the food on your plate and he'll steal it from you.

My kids always like my food much more than their own.

(I would only eat tinned spaghetti when about a year I was a kid and survived in great health).

He won't let you feed him because he's at the age where he will want to feed himself. Just give him whatever you're having, and let him get on with it, I'd give him a spoon and fork but expect him to mainly use his hands to feed himself. When you've finished yours, take his away, unless he's still eating...and don't worry! And definitely don't keep giving him the same things just because you know he will eat it.

Cut out the milk, he's filling up on that. Replace with fruit /veggie smoothies.

If breakfast works keep that as is.

For lunch, do a mini buffet of finger food on rotation for each week. Maybe with something you know he will eat so a fish finger, tomatoes, banana and hummus. Is the yogurt everyday? If yes, I’d put that out too so he isn’t waiting for what he doesn’t like to go in order to get the yogurt. If he doesn’t eat it, just take it away and offer a the same tomorrow. Introducing new things each week.

If you don’t eat together in the evening, maybe do an extra portion of what you’re having and give to him the next night. If it’s too messy so this on bath days and give him a similar grazing dinner like he has for lunch.

Absolutely drop the formula for standard milk.

It’s easier said than done but just don’t stress, I expect he picks up on your tension. Don’t spend time fussing or persuading. If he doesn’t want to eat just take it away without any reaction. He won’t starve himself and at 91st percentile it’ll take him a bloody long time.

I’ve 5 DC and they all go through phases like this. Don’t make it an issue it will pass.

You seem to focus on ‘food wasted’. This is hopefully a short phase.

Is there a reason he is still having bottles? Especially formula? Sounds like he is filling up on that.
Just give them the food and a spoon / fork, they will figure it out!!
All of mine refused to be fed from their first birthday, messy but they get the hang.

@AngeloMysterioso

The thing is I don’t know what he likes anymore. I used to give him all sorts of stuff- pasta bolognese, Thai chicken curry, shepherds pie, sausage mash and veg with gravy, cous cous salad, etc etc. But they’re all things that have to be fed to him so he won’t eat them any more.

I cut the finger sandwiches/omelette into fun shapes with a mini cookie cutter, computer still said no. I tried adding really thin slivers of cucumber and ham into the roll-ups, he tried one and then wouldn’t touch them.

It sounds like I’m giving him huge meals but it’s tiny amounts of each thing so it’s still a toddler-sized portion.

I just feel like such a failure and like I’m letting him down, and I’m worried if I don’t get some fruit and veg into him he’ll catch scurvy or something. I’m also pregnant so inexplicably getting rather easily upset atm...

My toddler is similar in that he's started refusing to let us feed him but isn't proficient with cutlery yet. We still give him all the same things as before and similar to the things you've listed here (including weetabix!) and have just accepted mealtimes will be very messy for a while as he hand feeds himself.

Are his back teeth coming in at the moment?