DS is refusing to eat every meal I make him and I am at my wit’s end.

[AngeloMysterioso]

DS is 19 months. Hasn’t got the hang of feeding himself with a spoon or fork yet. He’s recently taken to refusing to eat anything that has to be fed to him, and most things that don’t. I’m running out of ideas for what to feed him that he’ll actually eat.

He used to have a Weetabix with berries or half a banana for breakfast, won’t eat that anymore because we have to feed it to him so we’ve swapped the Weetabix for a piece of buttered fruit toast. So far so good (and great for DH because he’s the one who gives him breakfast). Mid morning/pre-nap snack is an Organix oat bar. Sometimes he’ll have a couple of rice cakes in the afternoon and he gets 6oz of stage 3 formula at bedtime (an extra oz if he’s not had much dinner which is pretty much every day lately) and water during the day. He’s 91st centile weight-wise for his age.

Recently I’ve tried-

Lunch- small finger sandwiches with ham/dairylea spread and cucumber/houmous. DS wouldn’t touch them, screamed his head off, I got stressed out, food wasted, DS hangry by dinner time.

Dinner- lamb koftas, potato croquettes, steamed broccoli florets. Nibbled a little bit, left the rest, food wasted, had an extra oz of formula at bedtime but still woke in the night for an extra bottle.

Lunch- a small 1-egg omelette with mushrooms, spinach and peppers, and Philly roll ups (a piece of Kingsmill 50/50 vitamin boost bread, flattened and spread with Philadelphia, rolled up and cut into slices). Ate the roll ups, mostly ignored the omelette (which he used to eat no problem). Food wasted. DS hangry by dinner time which made me stressed out.

Dinner- a M&S taste buds cheese and tomato pizza, added some extra mushrooms and peppers on top. Nibbled a little bit but left most of it, food wasted, woke in the middle of the night for an extra bottle feed.

Lunch - cherry tomatoes, avocado, cucumber, orange and yellow peppers chopped into little toddler sized pieces. Didn’t touch a single thing and screamed his head off. Food wasted (again), me very close to losing my shit. DS hangry by dinner time.

Dessert at lunchtime is a Collective yogurt sucky pouch which he usually finishes. Dessert at dinner (not every day) is a Sainsbury’s pancake which these days, again, he usually ignores.

The only things he eats at mealtimes without protest are chicken goujons, fish fingers (we get the omega-3 ones for what it’s worth), chips or sweet potato fries. That’s it. All the other stuff I used to give him I now can’t because he won’t let us feed him so anything so lunches like chunky soup and bread or cous cous or pasta salad are no longer an option. Dinners that I could batch cook and freeze are no longer an option. I don’t want to keep giving him beige crap for every meal but I can’t take being screamed at every time I try to give him something else, and I don’t want meal times to just become something stressful for us both. I also can’t afford to keep buying food that just gets thrown on the floor and in the bin. I’m sure that it’s just a phase that every toddler goes through but I’m beginning to lose my mind.

@DistrictCommissioner

What happens if you give him a chunky soup & bread to feed himself?

It goes everywhere but his mouth.

I tried adding really thin slivers of cucumber and ham into the roll-ups, he tried one and then wouldn’t touch them

Give it deconstructed
Separate ham bread cucumber

I know its stressful and can be messy be there is absolutely no reason he cannot have food like curry and rice or shepherd's pie that he then uses his fingers to eat. DS is still very hit and miss with a fork or spoon and hates us feeding him but he still happily eats meals like these with his hands. I just chuck a shower curtain on the floor and then chuck him in the bath.

I know I could give him regular cows milk at bedtime but I don’t want to give him too much dairy and he’s already having yogurt, cheese and, until recently, milk in his Weetabix.

@AngeloMysterioso

I know I could give him regular cows milk at bedtime but I don’t want to give him too much dairy and he’s already having yogurt, cheese and, until recently, milk in his Weetabix.

Out of curiosity why don't you want him having too much dairy? Formula is made from cows milk so this seems really strange?

I would cut out the formula completely, forget about the vitamins or whatever. It’s too filling and he is using it to fill up before bed. Switch to cows milk, max 150ml in a sippy cup. Also cut out all snacks of any description. It will be hard for a few days but then he will regulate.
Breakfast I would offer banana or blueberries and toast and a sippy cup of milk.
No snack. Of any description.
Lunch then do fish fingers and penne pasta shapes. For dessert offer fruit. No yoghurt or snack.
Nothing between then and dinner.
Dinner try salmon fillet baked In the oven with a bit of soy sauce and honey. It’s easy to eat with fingers and tasty. Also some rice that he can pick up. Peas are great for picking up too. For dessert try blending Greek yoghurt with fruit and making it into ice pops. Nothing else.

Then the cows milk in the sippy cup
before bed. Of course offer water throughout the day too.

pasta bolognese, Thai chicken curry, shepherds pie, sausage mash and veg with gravy, cous cous salad,

All of these things can be eaten with his hands. Will it be messy? Yes, it will be ridiculously messy. Plan bath time for after mealtime. You will both be happier.

Formula is made from cow’s milk.

Drop the formula it's completely unnecessary and a waste of your money. He should be having vitamin drops.

Make him what you're having, sit together at the table and eat with him. Take the focus off what he's doing (or not doing!) , and just eat. Have a nice conversation about something completely unrelated.

I used to let my toddlers eat anything with their hands, I just dumped it on the tray of their high chair. Shepherds pie, curry, chicken stew, spag bol (...not soup though!). If you can face the mess, it's worth a try. I just did this because they (all 3 kids) went through stages of rejecting meals and I couldn't be bothered to make an extra meal for them (to also be rejected!) on top of the family meal.

You can get plastic mats to put on the floor under their seat if you haven't already got one.

It's a very frustrating stage!

My DS1 was like that at your son's age. He's 15 now and eats pretty much everything. Try not to think about food being wasted as at this age it's about learning to eat and it's normal for most of food given to end up on the floor or in their hair etc. My son would only eat finger foods but a surprising amount of foods can be eaten like that. Also pureed fruit made into home made ice lollies was a big hit with all of mine at this age.

You'd be better off giving plain Chicken and fish. Less packets /processed the better.

I would agree with everyone else saying try to sit and eat as a family if you can, especially if you are going to have another child.

We used to eat after the kids were in bed until my second child started weaning and then it just became a faff, so we all started to eat together. I honestly think this is what turned my oldest sons eating around and, as I said earlier, he's a great eater now. It's also much easier to just make one meal and clean up once and because you are eating your own dinner you are less focussed on what they are eating (or not) and it takes the pressure off a bit.

I think it's entirely normal at this age - I remember reading that when they become more active and walking/running everywhere, some evolutionary thing kicks in and they become highly suspicious of any food they might come across. DS mainly just feeds himself - we've always done BLW but it's just an extension of that really now he's older.

Out of curiosity why don't you want him having too much dairy? Formula is made from cows milk so this seems really strange?

GP suggested cutting down (didn’t say to cut it out altogether) because he’s had a bit of eczema so wanted to see if that improved it.

Also said to only bathe him two or three times a week, so letting him attempt to eat with his hands and shower himself in his dinner every night wouldn’t really work.

Hey OP, you’ve said you used to give him stuff like-

“ The thing is I don’t know what he likes anymore. I used to give him all sorts of stuff- pasta bolognese, Thai chicken curry, shepherds pie, sausage mash and veg with gravy, cous cous salad, etc etc. But they’re all things that have to be fed to him so he won’t eat them any more.”

My son is 4 months older than yours and happily eats all of these with a mixture of cutlery and his hands, he does get given cutlery at every meal and is steadily using them more and more, he’ll eat a full bowl of cereal or yoghurt with his spoon now but that’s a recent milestone.
ultimately it what seems to work is that he has the power and it hasn’t stopped him from eating enough at all. I really hope that helps :)

Also- just seen your update, buy a pack of micro fibre cleaning wipes to use specifically for wiping his hands and face after meals, much kinder on sensitive skin than baby wipes and more effective if you’re not bathing him every day

@Pbbananabagel

Also- just seen your update, buy a pack of micro fibre cleaning wipes to use specifically for wiping his hands and face after meals, much kinder on sensitive skin than baby wipes and more effective if you’re not bathing him every day

That's what I do, I bought loads of microfibre cloths when I realised how many baby wipes I was getting through!

This is very normal for children to do. My eldest got to the point where she would only eat bloody chips and ice cream.

In the end, under the advice of my HV, I stopped providing her with all she would eat. I provided her with food I knew she liked (eaten it previously) and ate at nursery. So no more processed rubbish, real food.

I would provide a selection, so for example lunch would be a sandwich, cucumber, carrots, raisins, berries, pieces of cheese. She would pick what she wanted and leave the rest. Snack time? Same plate came back out.

Did the same with all meals and within a week she was eating (or at least trying) everything we gave her. My HV said they won’t starve themselves, and it was true.

My youngest never got so bad because I never allowed it. As soon as the fussiness started I nipped it in the bud.

But formula is dairy . Formula instead of cow's milk is not less dairy than just giving cow's milk. You've lost me on that point OP.

Anyway, I get the stress, gosh my DD has been an awful eater and it is really stressful isn't it?! Plus unlike your DC she's quite small, always hovered around the 20-30th centiles. First thing I would try and do is realise that if your DC is in the 90+ centile for weight, hes getting enough. It might not look it, it might not be the most nutritional diet ever, but quantity wise, it is enough.

We have most our meals with DD and we find she usually eats her best when we've got visitors/we are out/that kind of thing. She seems to enjoy that social element and it also takes the focus away form exactly what she's eating with more going on. I would try for you all to eat as many meals as possible together to model behaviour.

Re cutlery, mine is about to turn 3 and has been using cutlery competently for ages in most situations but sometimes she still doesn't want to. She still sometimes wants to eat yoghurt and cereal with her hands. And things like spaghetti etc are difficult so she uses her hands. I have always put the cutlery out and left it to her, I don't care if she uses it or not. There's a lifetime to use cutlery. If she eats something I'm happy. The mess of course was colossal to start with but I would try to let go of that if I were you and feed him as normal. Whether he uses cutlery or not is irrelevant. We very rarely fed DD after about 12 months to be honest, only if she actually wanted to be fed if she was having difficulty with something (which occasionally still happens now).

Now she's getting on to 3 we've seen some improvements in my DD's eating literally just in the last few weeks, so I'm hoping it continues. We can do things like bribery now with desserts (usually not recommended I know...!) and gentle encouragement to try things, and she takes pride in it if she gives it a go so we give lots of praise etc. I don't give her many choices about food really, I only ever make one meal for dinner and that's what we have. Sometimes she doesn't eat anything, I assume she's not hungry. I never encourage her to eat meals and always make it clear she doesn't have to eat if she's not hungry, but if she's not hungry then there will be nothing else available. She gets a very small cup of cow's milk before bed, just a few Oz. She has multivitamin liquid in this milk.

Also, read 'My Child Won't Eat'!'

GP suggested cutting down (didn’t say to cut it out altogether) because he’s had a bit of eczema so wanted to see if that improved it.

I would have cut out the yoghurt and other dairy and just left him with actual milk instead. That makes more sense plus it will be miles cheaper and you could add vitamin drops more easily.

Also said to only bathe him two or three times a week, so letting him attempt to eat with his hands and shower himself in his dinner every night wouldn’t really work.

Honestly this seems like very old school advice, DS has eczema and we were told it's better to bath him daily. Plus he won't actually learn to eat these meals with cutlery unless he's given the chance to practice.

Far too much involved food here, simple little thing are much better. Its very surprising that he can't feed himself as yet, as usually a small child will start to pick up food by then.

Maybe your child has just got used to you feeding him, and hasn't attempted to get down and maybe a bit messy, trying things for himself. I am sure that he won't starve, if he sees little things to pick up and try off a dish or plate etc.

When my son was this age, he used to like soft boiled eggs and toast fingers,and used to make a right mess smashing up the eggs in the egg cup, with the toast fingers,, but did not like me helping in any way.

I really think you've got to past the mess he makes eating with his fingers and go back to some of the meals you've listed that he would eat. Sausage & mash, curry mixed with rice, bolognaise mixed through the pasta, it's amazing what toddlers can shovel in by hand! If you're worried about the bath thing then try using Oilatum bath emolient or the aqueous creams that can be used instead of soap.
I'd also drop the dessert at lunchtime if he doesn't eat some of his main course and 2 rice cakes in an afternoon sounds a lot, that's what I'd have as a snack portion!

I had dd1 who ate anything and everything, then dd2. DD2 only consistently ate tinned sweetcorn, so if she'd had two or three days of eating nothing I'd do her a pile of that.

Don't make it into a power struggle. He'll win and learn he can manipulate you through food.

What I did with dd2 was she had to sit up at the table and have some food in front of her. Whether she ate it or not was up her. But I didn't give her much. So a typical lunch might be 2 pieces of cucumber, a cherry tomato cut into 4, and half a piece of bread made into a ham sandwich and cut into 1cm sq pieces. If she ate half of it, it was a winner. If she ate all, then I'd offer more, if she didn't eat then that was fine.

Then during the afternoon I'd leave a plate of things like breadsticks out, or crackers with cheese on. She'd eat two or three of those.

She didn't starve but started eating properly at about 5yo.

Dd1 otoh was ill aged 8yo and had a very restricted diet for around 10 years.

You need to stop stressing over how much he's eating. That will do nothing but make him eat less if you communicate it.

Make sure there are bits of food in his reach at mealtimes, either on your plates that he can take or ask for or just on the table.

The less interest you can show in what he eats, the better. Just let him take bits and try/eat them when he wants to.