Why are some mums so difficult?!

[AAAY]

Random rant, Took my 2 yo for her first swimming lesson today, it was a quiet group just one othe rparent and her little one. she started off nice by introducing herself and her lo who went and hid behind behind her and was looking to the floor. I smiled and said awww maybe he's feeling shy don't worry, she seemed really offended and said no he's not! Give him a minute and then walked off! Ten mins into the swimming lesson whilst he was chatting away to the instructor she made it a point to say to me look he's not shy he's chatting!

After the lesson she began general chit chat about my daughters age and said "so she's never had any lessons before?!" as if I was lying (lo was praised by instructor for doing well as a first timer) I tried d to make small talk back and she continued to tell me that her son was doing really well when he first started as it was just him but now there is another child (my dd) he's not been the same! It's so petty I mean she just got lucky that until today it was just her.

I made it a point to say well see you next week! I'm not going to stop going I'm not going to change classes but why are some mums just so complicated and competitive (I come across this a lot and it's one reason why I never went to baby classes)

DD was very shy and still is to some extent.
Your comment would've made me smile and reply with "yeah,she is".

What pissed me off was when people thought she was rude or kept insisting to interact with her, especially after I dod explain she is shy. Nah, mate you're not special. She's not going to reply to you just because you've put on a baby voice while you're still badgering her for a reaction.

@FunTimes2020 why is it I sound ridiculous?? 😆

Just pointing out there’s a different way of looking at things, which many on this thread seem to agree with 🤷🏼‍♀️

She was just pissed off that you have turned up and ruined her "private" swimming lessons. She obviously wanted to let you know that she's the important person here, that's why she approached you.

She wants you to know that she is in control here and massively overreacted to your throwaway remark because she was looking to take offence at anything you might say or do.

People are odd, ignore and focus on your child's swimming lessons. She'll get over herself eventually.

I'm quite shy myself and I hate how much of a minefield inane chit chat is.

Exactly, some people who take offence at nothing, then wonder why other people get nervous in social situations .

Some people are just weird. If she wants 1:1 lessons then she should pay for that. I'd love a swimming lessons for DS with just one other parent! They're completely full here.

People always say my son is shy and I agree. I just say yes he is but he'll come out of his shell soon. And he does. I don't get offended by it.

How do people find the time to get offended at every little thing? Shy isn’t an insult, it isn’t the same as calling someone fat or ugly.

It *is incredibly insensitive to comment on a child’s social bearing at a young age.

Any more than if you went up to a chubby toddler and said, “well you’re a roly-poly chubby thing, aren’t you? Bet you’ll be tucking into the donuts later. “ pIt doesn’t help. It is a meaningless comment that is just likely to cause the child to feel awkward.

Or, if someone says, “oh, I’m sure your little one will grow into their looks.” Being told you are unfortunate looking doesn’t change anything, doesn’t help.*

Did you read the OP?

Why the psychology lecture? OP didn't say ANYTHING LIKE the above.

She said " he's feeling shy". Yep, that's it.

Dear Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the wee Donkey.

Just to be clear 1st part is a quote from earlier. ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

Don't over think it. You did nothing wrong.
She was being ridiculous

Some people are hard work and this mum sounds like one of those people!

I don’t think you said anything wrong and I say that as someone who was painfully shy as a child. I’d also say something similar with the implication being that I’m acknowledging the child doesn’t want to speak and it’s not a problem.

I really used to hate it when adults would persist in making me speak/join in and seemed to think that putting me in a position I felt really uncomfortable in was good for me. My mum never told that kind of adult to leave me alone and I hated it. I could never understand why they wanted to talk to a child so much anyway. Completely pointless gesture. I’m totally normal now btw and will speak in any situation.

FFs LOTS of little children get shy in front of new people. So what? It's not a criticism , not in my book. Saying 'shy' is a criticism says more about you than anything.

I think this hits the nail on the head. These sorts of parents will be the ones complaining their tone deaf child doesn't get a star turn at the school performance.

I think it's sad, they're masking who their children are because they're not who they want then to be in that moment.

My 4 year old tells me when she's feeling shy around people (as well as hiding behind me ). It's a feeling, not a label! We teach our kids to label their feelings - shy is just as valid as any other transient feeling humans feel.

It's a feeling, not a label! We teach our kids to label their feelings - shy is just as valid as any other transient feeling humans feel.

This

As someone who was shy, there was nothing more irritating than an adult saying "aw are you shy" just say nothing and let the child come to in their own time.

Wow. Ppl on here offended about their kid being called shy.

No wonder so many ppl walk around eternally pissed off at everything and nothing if mild 'maybe he's shy' comment.

Op, she sounds dreadful. Give her the cold shoulder next time. I used to get stressed by ppl like her, now I just think I'm too old for this shit and move on.

You were just chatting, it's fine but shy or quiet is often drummed into children if they display these traits. You mentioned it. How many other people have said it in front of the child? I wouldn't personally use it.

Often used at school, continually as if it is negative. I dont see a small child hiding behind someone's legs when a stranger says hi is shy, more cautious. If you are labelled continually you start to believe it. If you've experienced the continual labelling of a certain trait I would think you would empathise more.

@Iceniii

You were just chatting, it's fine but shy or quiet is often drummed into children if they display these traits. You mentioned it. How many other people have said it in front of the child? I wouldn't personally use it.

Often used at school, continually as if it is negative. I dont see a small child hiding behind someone's legs when a stranger says hi is shy, more cautious. If you are labelled continually you start to believe it. If you've experienced the continual labelling of a certain trait I would think you would empathise more.

absolutely! like being called lazy when it isn't laziness but executive dysfunction!

I wish people just backed off with their judgemental opinions on other people's kids

If you were to read into how to deal with a shy child at all one of basic pieces of advice is not to label the child as shy or to allow others to. As it becomes self fulfilling.

Generally people are far too pass remarkable about other people’s children!

I have a baby and have had a range of seemingly innocuous comments over the last year. Eg oh he’s so small. That may seem like a passing comment to some, but for me, when I’ve struggled to breastfeed and had to deal with a tongue tie and been worried about his weight it’s kind of annoying. My point is that it’s difficult to put yourself in the shoes of another - you may just have struck a nerve.

OP, you say you’ve encountered this a lot (‘’mums’ being ‘complicated and competitive’) to the point that you avoided baby groups altogether.

If this is really a common thing in your life, I think you should at least consider that something you are doing is contributing to this dynamic, rather than everyone else being ‘complicated and competitive’. You’re the common denominator, after all.

In what way was she being 'difficult'. Absolutely everything is your interpretation of her words and behaviour. She could very well have been making chit chat and you've over thought everything. Is it possibly she said her child wasn't shy because he isn't? What suggested she was 'really offended' by it? (Also he may very well have just reacted differently when meeting new people, has spend a huge percentage of his life not interacting with different people - it may have taken his mum by surprise). Why do you think she thought you were lying - any possibly it was just meant as 'she's really good for a first timer" just like the instructor said.

You've cast her as 'difficult' quite quickly over two interactions haven't you. Imagine if she did the same, then she would be on here starting a thread about the 'difficult mother' she met:

"I tried to introduce myself to her and she went on about how DS was 'shy' just because he didn't chat to her. He just wanted to get in the water! She obviously thought I was lying and didn't even believe me when i pointed out how he was chatting away with the instructor.

Then after the lesson I tried again to talk to her (she is the only other parent - it's a quite class!). Started off saying that her DD did really well and it was amazing that she hadn't had lessons before. Just to break the ice, even though was the same - instructor said the exact same thing about DS as he did about her DD!!

Why are some mums so ridiculously competitive and frosty? It's such a shame it would have been nice to have someone easy to chat to each week.

I don't think you did or said anything wrong and she sounds a bit weird. It's a compactly normal thing to say to a little one who is essentially acting shy! But I was painfully shy as a child and was finally diagnosed with autism in adulthood so I sometimes come across a bit awkward. Shyness was always used against me and many people don't see it as a positive trait so maybe that got her back up a bit.

I wish people just backed off with their judgemental opinions on other people's kids

"he's feeling shy"

Wow

I don't think you did anything wrong. The other woman sounds like a very difficult person. There's always a token difficult parent at anything child related so just avoid her in future.

Woman brought her child over and insisted on making him be part of a conversation. Child reacted badly. OP tried to make it less awkward. Woman reacted badly. OP left wondering WTF she should have said/done.

..... This is my summary of the situation! I don't think you did anything wrong OP.

I would not be offended if someone called my child 'shy'. However, I am aware however that comments from people are absorbed by young kids. If a child hears repeatedly: 'He's a bit shy', 'Aw he's feeling shy', etc, the child starts to think of himself as 'shy'. This can be an unhelpful pattern. If a young child acts anxious or shy or quiet, I always try to ignore the behaviour, don't focus too much in the child, but slowly try to include him in a way he might feel comfortable with.

(The same is true for saying: 'Aw aren't you pretty', 'Isn't he a bookworm!' "Aren't you lovely and helpful?' etc. Kids hear these comments and can be affected by them.)

I wonder what did OP respond if she said my dc was shy but don't worry, and I responded " well I do worry because he's a selective mute."