Disagree with ILs about safety, am I OTT?

[theresarugonmyfloor]

I would appreciate some unbiased opinions.

Once a week my DH takes my 2 and 5 year old sons to his parents. I sometimes go too, sometimes I stay home because it gives me a break (one child has ASD I'm his carer and I'm a sahm so I'm with them 24/7 excluding when the eldest is at school). His parents are not elderly, it's not childcare as DH is always there too and they love having them visit for the day. They get upset if we have to miss it for any reason.

When the eldest was small (2/3) I had to have a conversation with them because they kept letting him stand on a step and 'help' when making hot drinks. I hadn't realised I thought he was just putting a teabag and spoon of sugar in the cup then getting down, but I walked into the kitchen and saw him pouring milk in and stirring. He was closely supervised but I instantly said 'we don't let him near hot drinks, please don't let him do that, get down DS'. At the time they were a bit put out because they said they were careful etc but I was quite firm and said it wasn't to happen again. DH wasn't there, and I'd forgotten about it until now.

Anyway, yesterday DH sent me photos of them having fun there, including one of them both helping to make the hot drinks! He got home and I said that I've previously said I don't want them doing that, it's dangerous. He said they do it all the time, adults hold the cup etc and I said regardless it's boiling hot water, accidents happen even if you're careful and I don't want them doing it.

DH thinks I'm being OTT and his parents are upset that apparently I don't trust them to keep the children safe.

Am I being ridiculous? I mean, to me young children and hot drinks are just a complete no no. My youngest is 2! We still put cups of tea up out of reach, and no way would I let them do this at home.

Thoughts?

I wouldn’t have an issue with my just turned 2 year old helping, as long as they aren’t pouring the kettle. I’d probably hold the mug in place so it didn’t get knocked but I’d let her add some sugar and pour some pre-measured milk.
Not to say you’re wrong, but 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yeah I also wouldn't have an issue and think you might be overreacting.

You are not OTT.
Your in-laws can't be trusted to keep your dc safe. You plainly told them you were not happy with your dc helping with hot drinks but they slyly do what they want anyway when you're not there knowing their son doesn't have your back and won't want to upset them by going against them. In all honesty I wouldn't be surprised if they threw a "don't tell mummy" in there too ( my in-laws were found out to be doing this).
Your DH cares more about upsetting his parents than his dc's safety too.
They'd not be going there without me again.

To me it’s one of those things that it doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong (altho I’d feel the same way) - you’ve asked them not to do something fairly trivial and they ought to just follow it. It’s not exactly a major cost to them to not let a two year old bear boiling water is it? There’s absolutely loads of other safe tasks kids can help with, why would you risk it?

I would let mine help do that. I think you’re being a bit OTT. I hold the cup, they pour the milk. Not a problem (for me).

Yes, you're being ott. And trying to control your partner's parenting.

In all honesty I think you’re being a bit OTT, I wouldn’t mind so long as it was 100% supervised and an adult was holding the cup.

They’re your kids though and your in laws should respect your rules.

I don't think you are unreasonable. I got badly burned when I was 10 from knocking a jug over that had just been filled from the kettle.

I don’t think there’s much risk as long as it’s supervised very, very closely.

I think the issue is more that they’ve gone against your wishes behind your back, but then your DH is fine with it and he is an equal parent so....yeah. I certainly wouldn’t fall out about it.

You and your DH need to agree parenting strategies. He's clearly fine with it and you aren't so you need to talk about it

I agree with you, why do they need to do it? If they are insistent then maybe DS can put the sugar in, after the milk so its not so hot.

Taking a risk unnecessarily IMO, absolutely no need, there's plenty time to help make a cuppa when they are older!

I agree with you, I wouldn't like it either. Also it would really annoy me if I'd specifically asked them not to do something and they continued to it. You are not being OTT imho.

Well my ds spilled a cup of tea (no milk or hot water, fresh from the kettle) over himself when he was 18 months, so imo, no yanbu because I've seen the consequences of burns caused by tea and it is fucking horrific.

To be fair to the ILs, it was a few years ago I said 'don't do that' (I think I was pregnant with the youngest^^ or he was tiny) so they may well have forgotten. They're not malicious and they wouldn't say 'don't tell mummy' (and my eldest would tell me anyway if they said that, he's super rigid about rules with the ASD one of which he knows is we don't have secrets from parents - safeguarding generally with a vulnerable child).

Interesting viewpoints, thanks. I was expecting howls of you don't let a two year old anywhere near boiling water!^^ which is exactly what I think!

Sorry no milk or cold water.

I used to let my DD do this when she was around 2 she really enjoyed it and I would hold the cup

Nope I agree with you and regardless you have asked pil not to do it, so thry shouldnt

What involvement did the child have with the boiling water?

I would be like you - I just wouldn’t want to take the risk. Why would anyone? No-one intends to have an accident - these things just happen and it’s best not to happen to a 2 yr old!

I agree with you and don't think you are being OTT at all.

Mind would also help me stir food

I'm often told I'm on the lax side of safety with my kids but I would never let my 2 or 4 year old help make hot drinks. There's really no reason for them to. If they want to help get them to help butter some bread or peel a potato or something else less risky. There's plenty of years yet for them to learn how to make a cup of tea.

It would annoy me also that you've asked them not to do this and they continue.

I’m extra careful with safety in my life and with my 2 & 1/2 year old. I’ve done a lot of risk assessment in previous jobs and I’m hyper aware about risks. I probably would also tell my IL’s not to do this. Because the risk of burn is such a terrible consequence. Regardless of how “safe” they are being. But obviously the community is divided somewhat on this. However, it doesn’t matter, because the point is you told them not to do it and they didn’t respect your wishes. You and your husband need to get on the same page and then you need to discuss it with your IL’s. How can they expect you to trust them when they dont respect your wishes

I don't think your being OTT. My friend was badly burned from a cup of tea she knocked over as a 2 year old.

I agree with you and wouldn’t want them doing it. For me it’s more that the children might think it’s okay to touch or grab a hot drink at home (where there might not be anyone holding the cup). A blanket “no” is easier to understand.

@MistyFrequencies

I'm often told I'm on the lax side of safety with my kids but I would never let my 2 or 4 year old help make hot drinks. There's really no reason for them to. If they want to help get them to help butter some bread or peel a potato or something else less risky. There's plenty of years yet for them to learn how to make a cup of tea.

It would annoy me also that you've asked them not to do this and they continue.

This is perfect, there is no reason for them to learn this at this stage. Plenty of other things for them to help with