Disagree with ILs about safety, am I OTT?

[theresarugonmyfloor]

I would appreciate some unbiased opinions.

Once a week my DH takes my 2 and 5 year old sons to his parents. I sometimes go too, sometimes I stay home because it gives me a break (one child has ASD I'm his carer and I'm a sahm so I'm with them 24/7 excluding when the eldest is at school). His parents are not elderly, it's not childcare as DH is always there too and they love having them visit for the day. They get upset if we have to miss it for any reason.

When the eldest was small (2/3) I had to have a conversation with them because they kept letting him stand on a step and 'help' when making hot drinks. I hadn't realised I thought he was just putting a teabag and spoon of sugar in the cup then getting down, but I walked into the kitchen and saw him pouring milk in and stirring. He was closely supervised but I instantly said 'we don't let him near hot drinks, please don't let him do that, get down DS'. At the time they were a bit put out because they said they were careful etc but I was quite firm and said it wasn't to happen again. DH wasn't there, and I'd forgotten about it until now.

Anyway, yesterday DH sent me photos of them having fun there, including one of them both helping to make the hot drinks! He got home and I said that I've previously said I don't want them doing that, it's dangerous. He said they do it all the time, adults hold the cup etc and I said regardless it's boiling hot water, accidents happen even if you're careful and I don't want them doing it.

DH thinks I'm being OTT and his parents are upset that apparently I don't trust them to keep the children safe.

Am I being ridiculous? I mean, to me young children and hot drinks are just a complete no no. My youngest is 2! We still put cups of tea up out of reach, and no way would I let them do this at home.

Thoughts?

I was there the first time years ago. I was sitting in the living room chatting to MIL and DS has wandered off with his Grampy and they were pottering about when we were offered a drink. I went into the kitchen mid-making it and saw that DS was pouring milk in and stirring when I'd assumed him 'helping' was him maybe putting a teabag in a cup, not helping with the hot stuff. So I said straight away, no, we don't let him do that, get down DS it's hot.

They don't babysit often, as I said i'm a sahm and a carer to my eldest so we have little childcare need. Usually if the children are with them then one of us is there too. Occasionally when we go out for dinner or something in non covid times they come and babysit here (they're very local and DS won't sleep anywhere but home) but the children are usually in bed then anyway, or they put them to bed once we've gone.

@MintyMabel

I wouldn’t have an issue with my just turned 2 year old helping, as long as they aren’t pouring the kettle.

The problem with this is, the 2 year old doesn’t yet understand that this mug is cold and adults are making it safe and he can play, but the next mug on the coffee table he should leave alone.

The 5 year old also does not understand this. He is autistic. If the rule is 'hot drinks/cups are ok' then thats it in his mind.

The 5 year old is also quite likely to go absolutely loopy if a sudden and unexpected noise happens like a motorbike going past or a low flying aeroplane. He won't care what's in his hands, he'll jump, scream, run away and his hands will go over his ears. Hot drink/danger there or not.

I think you should explain further to the grandparents, exactly why you don't want DS to help in this way.
If they do not do childcare, normally, they won't be aware of all the things that you have to be aware of.

They are fully aware. They see them every week at least once, usually twice. Not childcare no, but they spend a good amount of time with them. They know exactly how my eldest is, they've witnessed enough meltdowns, been there through the process of having him assessed and diagnosed and generally speaking they are very good with him.

I think you are being OTT.

@theresarugonmyfloor

They are fully aware. They see them every week at least once, usually twice. Not childcare no, but they spend a good amount of time with them. They know exactly how my eldest is, they've witnessed enough meltdowns, been there through the process of having him assessed and diagnosed and generally speaking they are very good with him.

I honestly don't get why bonding over teamaking is so important they can't understand your position and cut it out.

is there a secret method they need to pass down? are they training kids for the Hot Beverages event at the Olympics? why is it so important to them?!

they can do so much else. just tell them to let this one go ffs

Seeing how your 5yo is, I get what you mean, esp the sticking to the rules part and his unreliable reactions to noise.

I think it’s an issue here with your DH who really should have realised it’s an issue if your 5yo has that sort if reactions on a regular basis. The grand parents, it’s a different issue. The children are older, their son is happy for them to prepare a cup of tea with the dcs. I wouldn’t expect them to question it.
However, your DH is a much bigger issue. If he didn’t see the issue with his parents, then he. Is likely to be happy to do the same himself at home. And THAT is something you need to agree on.

@ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba, I didn’t understand that the grandparents have an issue with stopping.
They were told a long time ago. They did that with the full agreement of their son who is the father afterall. Why should they be deemed more responsible than the dad there?