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Original poster

Disagree with ILs about safety, am I OTT?

83 replies

theresarugonmyfloor · 06/06/2021 12:07

I would appreciate some unbiased opinions.

Once a week my DH takes my 2 and 5 year old sons to his parents. I sometimes go too, sometimes I stay home because it gives me a break (one child has ASD I'm his carer and I'm a sahm so I'm with them 24/7 excluding when the eldest is at school). His parents are not elderly, it's not childcare as DH is always there too and they love having them visit for the day. They get upset if we have to miss it for any reason.

When the eldest was small (2/3) I had to have a conversation with them because they kept letting him stand on a step and 'help' when making hot drinks. I hadn't realised I thought he was just putting a teabag and spoon of sugar in the cup then getting down, but I walked into the kitchen and saw him pouring milk in and stirring. He was closely supervised but I instantly said 'we don't let him near hot drinks, please don't let him do that, get down DS'. At the time they were a bit put out because they said they were careful etc but I was quite firm and said it wasn't to happen again. DH wasn't there, and I'd forgotten about it until now.

Anyway, yesterday DH sent me photos of them having fun there, including one of them both helping to make the hot drinks! He got home and I said that I've previously said I don't want them doing that, it's dangerous. He said they do it all the time, adults hold the cup etc and I said regardless it's boiling hot water, accidents happen even if you're careful and I don't want them doing it.

DH thinks I'm being OTT and his parents are upset that apparently I don't trust them to keep the children safe.

Am I being ridiculous? I mean, to me young children and hot drinks are just a complete no no. My youngest is 2! We still put cups of tea up out of reach, and no way would I let them do this at home.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
fallfallfall · 06/06/2021 14:20

Your husband was there, you were not, his call.
Five is fine with supervision, the two year old probably doesn’t do much anyway.
You told the IL a few years ago…the kids progress
You should mind your own business.

KeepingTrack · 06/06/2021 14:20

@DifferentHair

YANBU for two reasons:

  1. hot drinks and young children should be kept apart. For what possible reason would you want a small child around boiling water? Absolutely fucking stupid IMHO.

  2. whether or not others share your view regarding point 1 - you are the mother. You make the rules. You told them it's not ok for safety reasons and they don't get to ignore your view and insert their own.

If your ILS are otherwise nice and respectful people, I'd assume they forgot and I would raise it. 'Hi FIL, I saw DC were making drinks with you so I'm just reminding everyone that we don't allow DC around hot drinks. It's an important rule to me so i ask that we make it consistent wherever they are.' Or whatever.

I. Disagree with your point 2. It’s noot up to the MOTHER to make the rules. It’s up to the PARENTS. One of the parents was there and gave his approval. The ILs did nothing wrong imo
DarcyLewis · 06/06/2021 14:23

I would definitely not be “minding my own business” when the business is my very small children at risk of being badly burned Confused

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Families
SinkGirl · 06/06/2021 14:25

You’re not being OTT at all. I remember when my twins were smaller I got the impression my sister thought I was OTT with some things, but parenting a child with ASD is very different and you’ll probably be a lot more cautious generally as a result. I can’t see any reason why anyone would let a child of this age get near boiling water, it’s a pointless risk

Winkywonkydonkey · 06/06/2021 14:29

I've seen tea burns, they're not pretty. And I've had a friend whose DC pulled a mug down on themselves and they had to go through weeks of enquiry with social services as a result. I think better safe than sorry with boiling water.

BraveBraveMouse · 06/06/2021 14:34

I do let my toddler pour milk into a hot drink under high supervision.

However, the issue here is that you are not happy with this and they should be respecting your parenting decisions.

Original poster
theresarugonmyfloor · 06/06/2021 14:35

At 5 with an NT child, I would be less cautious. As I said, 5 year old has ASD and is rigid with rules. If he's told it's ok to 'help' like this he won't understand that it's not ok to just pick up a cup of hot tea off the side or otherwise touch. If it's ok in one scenario then it's ok in others, to him. He can't make clear distinctions.

We do keep hot drinks out of easy reach, and the 2 year old can't get to them. But the 5 year old could quite easily grab a step and go for it if he thought that it was ok.

I still think it's madness to let a 2 year old near very hot water. They're not careless at all but accidents do happen and to me it's a silly risk. Mine do help me with cutting veg, spreading butter etc. We bake, they mix and stir and make a huge mess but I do the oven bits and they know to stand back when I'm opening the door etc.

I will speak to DH. He hasn't 'gone against' what I've said, he said it didn't occur to him that it'd be an issue and when I've raised it he doesn't really see the problem. But if I explain to him that I feel strongly about it then I expect he will ask them not to do it again because generally we do back each other up.

I read a thread on here a while ago about a mum objecting to a nanny having hot drinks near her children and she was told to sack her because it was dangerous!

OP posts:
iminthegarden · 06/06/2021 14:37

No I probably wouldn't like it. In my experience in laws don't like being told not to do something so they'll do it more. Total lack of research etc towards you. Can you tell your oldest to inform you if this happens again? If they are ignoring this request what else are they ignoring?

iminthegarden · 06/06/2021 14:37

Respect

Halo1234 · 06/06/2021 14:41

I dont think you are being unreasonable.
However regardless they should respect what u have said even if they don't agree. I am pretty relaxed with my kids but when looking after other peoples children I would follow their rule not mine. So even if I let my children help making hot drinks iand thought it was fine I wont with yours if u had told me you didn't feel it was safe. Its not about them agreeing its about respecting what u have said regardless.

36degrees · 06/06/2021 14:53

I had a very nasty scald on my foot from a recently-boiled kettle of water at the age of 21, in a complete accident. It was very painful, quite scary and took a long time to heal. Even though I was wearing shoes and socks (thankfully NOT a shoes-off household, I think people do forget the safety aspect of this), a lot of permanent nerve damage was done.

I wouldn't want a small child anywhere where there was even scope for a hand to slip, a kettle to be tipped over, a quick glance away at the wrong moment, especially if there's a second child to also keep an eye on in the mix.

Besides all that, you've already said no. They should respect your choices as a parent.

user00002 · 06/06/2021 14:58

I'm actually quite surprised at the amount of people who see nothing wrong with a 2 year old being near a boiling hot cup of tea. that's an accident waiting to happen in my mind and I wouldnt allow mine to do this either - same as you OP hot drinks are kept well out of the way.

1forAll74 · 06/06/2021 15:02

I spent a lot of time with my grand parents when I was very young, and was taught how to do many jobs in the home, at the age of about three. I was always supervised,learning all the different things. My grandmother let me make hot drinks,and warned me of any dangers, she was always baking. and would let me put in, and take out, the trays of sponge cakes and jam tarts,out of the hot oven. My grandad showed me how to chop up wood, to make kindling sticks for the fire,and let me have a go with the axe for chopping, and let me light the fire in the grate. It was always a learning curve, as to be taught what was potentially dangerous, and to be aware of everything as such. But was always told not to touch anything regarding electrical things,like wires,and plugs and plug sockets at that young age.

Waiting423 · 06/06/2021 15:05

I wouldn’t have let mine do this - the 10 year old has only just started helping making cups of tea …

my step daughter put her hand on the electric hob when she was helping me make scrambled eggs about 7/8 years of age though so I’m probably a bit sensitive … she wasn’t burnt - I think we were just very lucky … I knew she cooked with her mum but didn’t know they had gas

GoldBar · 06/06/2021 15:05

So stupid to let a young child near boiling water being poured out like this. And so unnecessary. The risks completely outweigh the benefits. They can get involved with cooking and helping in much safer ways.

Like pp have pointed out, it only takes one slip and your DC suffers hours of excruciating pain, skin grafts and lifetime scarring.

Why would anyone be willing to take this risk on behalf of their children? It's practically moronic.

It's fine until it's not fine. And then it's bloody awful.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 06/06/2021 15:09

YANBU

my 17 year old had a bad accident when making a cuppa and because he could jump backwards he only burned his upper thigh. I don't want to think about a 2 year old in a similar situation.

just no. even if everyone thinks you are overreacting (I don't, I have 7 kids and I'm pretty chilled with a lot of stuff) it's your child, not ILs and if you think it's dangerous they need to back off.

and I fucking hate people disrespecting a parent and overriding a previous request without checking.

Jennyfromtheculdesac · 06/06/2021 15:13

Whereas, children using sharp knives are at least learning something. They need to learn to do that safely.

Eh? They also, at the appropriate time, need to learn to be safe around hot drinks.

Iwantanap · 06/06/2021 15:13

Yanbu
With them on a step the gps don't have enough control when reaching round to pour the water. All it takes is for one of them to be distracted and thats it. Burns are very nasty and this is at face height. The children will learn to relax around kettles and hot drinks and may try to make a cup of tea on their own or reach up for a cup of someone's tea.
Maybe take a break for a little while unless your DH is completely onboard and will watch them

Mammamia2020 · 06/06/2021 15:15

You are NOT being OTT. Others on the thread have put it very well in terms of setting out the reasons.
I'll add that I've worked in a burns unit and feel the same way.

Jennyfromtheculdesac · 06/06/2021 15:15

and I fucking hate people disrespecting a parent and overriding a previous request without checking.

OP was pretty clear the grandparents are not caring for the kids when they are visiting. Their Dad is there and they are his responsibility.

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 06/06/2021 15:15

They are too young to be near a kettle. A firm no. I don’t let my 10 year old near the kettle. Pouring cold drinks fine, they need to learn.

MintyMabel · 06/06/2021 15:22

I wouldn’t have an issue with my just turned 2 year old helping, as long as they aren’t pouring the kettle.

The problem with this is, the 2 year old doesn’t yet understand that this mug is cold and adults are making it safe and he can play, but the next mug on the coffee table he should leave alone.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 06/06/2021 15:27

@Jennyfromtheculdesac

and I fucking hate people disrespecting a parent and overriding a previous request without checking.

OP was pretty clear the grandparents are not caring for the kids when they are visiting. Their Dad is there and they are his responsibility.

I was referring to OP's DH. I meant to say "people disrespecting the other parent" I hate it when one parent says no but the other just whatever they want when the one who said no isn't there. I hate people like that. They basically fuck up trust. parents should be team mates, not undermining each other.

hope that's clearer

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 06/06/2021 15:35

Well as the comments here show some people would and some people wouldn't. Your IL's are people who would. The only thing that is important with your kids though is what you and DH would do. I don't think this is something you can blame the IL's for because even if they remember you saying no their son, the children's equal parent, is saying yes, so it's him you need to talk to about it and come to a compromise or agreement where one of you backs down, and it's up to nobody but the two of you what you agree to do.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 06/06/2021 15:35

but also ILs were actually disrespecting OP's wishes too. she had stated in the past she didn't want kids near hot water. her DH wasn't there at that time (so presumably only ILs were looking after kids?)

they are all a bit twattish about this tbh.
but the main disagreement is between OP & her DH.
he needs to back his wife, not his parents.