Being a bridesmaid with 3 week old newborn?!

[JoFranks01]

Hi, I need some advice!

My friend is getting married in August (postponed from last year) and it's 3 weeks after my due date. I'm due to be a bridesmaid but am FTM and as I get closer to my due date am starting to panic I won't be able to go. I know it's always been a possibility, could be late / c section etc.

Problem is I don't know how to talk to my friend about this all. She hasn't been the most enthusiastic about my pregnancy and knew my due date when wedding was rebooked. Obviously I want to be there, but how realistic is it? She's not once suggested to just see how I go or been understanding that I'll be a bleeding, leaking mess. If anything I've just been told stories of how others have magically been fine the next day 🙄 Planning on bf too, so baby will be with me. I think she just presumes I'll be there or has been burying her hand in the sand like me.

I don't like confrontations or awkward conversations like this, so anyone else been in the same boat and have some wise words for me?? Thanks

I think you need to tell her straight you're unlikely to be able to be bridesmaid. If she is a good friend she will understand.

* She hasn't been the most enthusiastic about my pregnancy and knew my due date when wedding was rebooked. Obviously I want to be there, but how realistic is it? She's not once suggested to just see how I go or been understanding that I'll be a bleeding, leaking mess. If anything I've just been told stories of how others have magically been fine the next day 🙄*

Your “friend” is being ridiculous and selfish. I certainly wouldn’t go, why put that pressure on yourself for a wedding? Focus on yourself and your new baby.

It’s likely you’ll go overdue.
So the latest date you could go is 42 weeks, that would leave you 1 week PP, and let me tell you, my vagina was not party ready 1 week PP.

I’d just be straight and say no. I just gave birth a few days ago and I can tell you now that would be an impossible feat for me. As it is my feet are so swollen still I can’t even get runners on. If she is a good friend she will understand!

Aside from how you feel there's practical things to consider too. Will the dress fit you? Is it suitable for breastfeeding? A baby of 1-3 weeks will want almost constant feeding so the dress needs to be suitable for that. Also there's a very good chance your baby will want feeding during the ceremony, you can't expect a 1 week old to wait until it's finished.

Just back out now, the stress just isn't worth it in the last few weeks of your pregnancy, focus on that.

I think it might be a bit much unless she makes some accomodations for you. I travelled for a family event when DD was 3 weeks old and it was fine. I'd stopped bleeding and had figured out that stuffing cut in half nappies in my bra was the best way to deal with milk leaking. Baby cried and wanted feeding a lot though, mostly at inconvenient times. It was fine because I could leave the table and go sit in the living room to feed/change her if I needed to. Will there be any space at the venue that you could use for that purpose?

Staying in a hotel with her was amazing though! We stayed two nights and she slept six hours in a row both nights - a feat that she didn't repeat again for about a year 🤣

That's assuming baby comes on time though! Could well be late. There's a huge difference between one week and three weeks.

I'd have been fine to attend both times (babies were early so you won't necessarily go over!) but the dress would have been a real issue - you'll need easy boob access constantly and you want to be comfortable- it's hard enough establishing breastfeeding. You could offer to wear the dress for walking down the aisle then change immediately after? Newborns sleep all the time plus I loved showing off my newborns!

I could think of nothing worse. Bleeding, leaking, crying baby, dress clinging in all the wrong places

I’d say I’d love to attend (with baby) but unfortunately cannot commit to being the bridesmaid she deserves.

I was two weeks late and had a less than ideal birth. I barely left the house for the first month so I would not have been able to go.

If I'd have been on my due date and a straightforward birth I may have considered popping in for the ceremony. Not as a bridesmaid and not committing. Please please take the pressure off yourself and say no. You are already pragmatically thinking you could have a section etc.... not a chance could you go!

Good Luck with your birth and baby... being a mum is wonderful. Your friend is being selfish and really should see the bigger picture

I wouldn't. There's a strong chance you won't be able to pull it off, if you do you'll be very anxious having to leave your newborn for photos, makeup etc.

Three weeks after my due date for dc1 I was still in hospital - 2 wks late and a week in because of feeding problems. Not that unusual!

Having had two babies, I think it's unlikely you will be able to attend the wedding - let alone be a bridesmaid...

Your baby could be up to two weeks late, you could have a c-section, you could have any number of early feeding issues (establishing BF or bottle feeding, tongue tie etc).

Of course, your baby could come bang on time and the early weeks could go smoothly which would be amazing! But I would say unlikely....

I would back out of being a bridesmaid now, explaining that you have no control of when/how the baby will arrive and you don't want to put any stress on her big day or the lead up to your birth/after birth. But that you really hope you can attend on the day. x

I think it's doubtful and I'd back out now. My first was 10 days early and I felt like I'd been in a car crash, I could barely stand let alone function. My second birth was much better, I felt great and could have done it but she was born 10 days late. I would have still looked very wobbly, like I was 6 months pregnant and been bleedinv. I was also feeding on demand (i.e. constantly)

With DD1 I was 2 weeks late and had an emergency c section, I couldn't even make it up the stairs at 1 week pp and didn't leave the house for a month. Had a planned c section with DD2 but would never have been able to be a bridesmaid at 3 weeks pp. Aside from the physical aspect, there's the practicalities of taking a newborn with you. Those early days are so hard, don't put yourself under that stress. Even with my 6 month old I wouldn't feel confident taking them to a wedding with me. At 1 and 3 weeks pp you will want/need to be home with your baby focussing soley on recovery and baby's well-being. If she's a good friend she'll understand, and if she has children even more so. If not, if she does in the future she'll get it then! I would strongly advise telling her now. Congratulations and good luck on the rest of your pregnancy x

I wouldn't be comfortable no......I had a great recovery after my twins c section but there is no way I would be seen wearing anything other than giant Bridget Jones pants, leggings and a hoody......(I'm still wearing them 5 months later 🤣) if you are breastfeeding your boobs will be massive and uncomfortable and will leak and swell when the baby cries, what if the baby needs to feed in the middle of the ceremony? Is the dress even breastfeeding friendly?

You may well still be bleeding - even if you end up with a c sedition - I bled for nearly a month after. Your stomach will be bloated and tender and your whole shape will have changed - you will most likely feel very self conscious and uncomfortable about all the new wobbly and soft bits and lumps and bumps - bridesmaid dresses are notoriously unforgiving. That woman Christine from Selling Sunset looks amazing 2 weeks after a c section but she's held together by fillers and Botox and no doubt hasn't eaten since!

The baby will cry and will need feeding every 2-3 hours. I personally wouldn't want such a young baby out all day in the August heat (marquees get like an oven) plus the noise of the band/DJ on young ears

You won't be able to drink either

I turned down a wedding invitation four weeks after my due date, DH went alone. I told them I didn't want to mess them around as I wouldn't know how I'd be feeling until a few days before... I could have a new baby, or one that was nearly a couple months old, still be recovering, didn't know how the toddler would be... (As it turns out, I would have been fine!)

With DD1, not only was she late we spent five days in hospital.

Even assuming you're well enough to go, you won't be able to do anything bridesmaidy for her, like fetching/ carrying/meeting/greeting because your baby will need 100% of your attention. When the baby isn't feeding it will be sleeping on you, or crying because it's not on you, or needing a nappy change... If I were you I just wouldn't put myself through the stress.

I had a friend like that, couldn’t tell her anything and would have been utterly offended. We aren’t friends now and it’s such a relief!! Your not just being a PFTM 3 weeks PP, most people would struggle with that even with a smooth plain sailing birth. I’d just be completely honest with her and see what she says but unfortunately you and baby need to be priority

You need to tell her that you can't be a bridesmaid but that if all goes well you will try to attend the wedding as long as you can bring baby. I went to a wedding when DD2 was a week old and it was fine but it was a very low key wedding and we didn't stay very long.

I went to a wedding (300 miles away from home) 10 days after a c section. I was not a bridesmaid but my husband was best man. I didn’t really want to go but it seemed a slightly less daunting option than staying home alone (I was a FTM). It’s all a bit of a blur. I remember feeling physically ok (albeit not totally recovered obviously) and did a bit of dancing, but I wouldn’t say I managed to enjoy it. I spent most of the time worrying about the baby crying and disturbing the ceremony, or me needing to breastfeed at in opportune moments, or the music being too loud for the baby. I wouldn’t commit to going at this stage, and say you will need to see how you feel at the time

I'd have managed fine tbh and probably really enjoyed it. I had sections (planned) both times and was back to normal levels of mobility by 4 or 5 days, and would have gone to a wedding from that point without much of a thought tbh.

And yes, I was 'bleeding' but I'm pretty used to managing social occasions on my period (and without cramps this time, hurrah!) so it was fine. I didn't leak much milk then, but did from about 3m -12m, but (a) that's what breast pads are for (b) it wasn't a big deal personally. Sand yes, I technically was 'establishing breastfeeding' but for me that was no different a week in to 3 months, or a year in. I guess I got lucky but it was kind of plug and play from birth. I know a lot of people have issues though.

Everyone is different. I'm very much an extrovert and have a lot of FOMO, and if I could stand, I could party, if you aren't that keen on parties and weddings at the best of times, your strength likely to start doing do then...

I wouldn't worry about the possible c section aspect though (emergency ones are different apparently), as recovery can be great. Again, it varies.

The truth is that you don't know how you'll feel. You may want to cuddle up at home, you may feel teary and tired. You may be bouncing on a wave of adrenaline and very eager to have fun. Or somewhere between the two. Post natal is a strange time, with heightened emotive positive and negative, and there is no 'right' way to feel.

Ps: yes, I had two very easy post natal periods. If it's a consolation, I had absolutely awful pregnancies and my children didn't sleep through for years, so you win some and lose some.

I dont mean to scare you but my DS was 3 weeks late! You could be ready to deliver, have delivered, or recovering in this period. Even if your baby is on time and the birth is straightforward I doubt you would want to be at a wedding in August trying to breastfeed.

I think I would tell her straight how anxious this is making you and the best you can do is maybe be a guest with the baby for a short period of time. You've got enough on without fretting about attending a wedding and you really need to recover properly from the birth to be any use to your baby or you.

If she is your friend she will understand. I couldnt imagine putting my friend under this kind of stress.

You do need to talk to her. Try to find a time to meet up or talk on the phone to catch up on her wedding plans. Be excited for her. Then ask her gently if she's got any thoughts on what might be a plan B in case your baby comes late or you're not well.

She may already be thinking she'd like to replace you due to the uncertainty, but doesn't want to offend you?

She needs to know you really want to be a bridesmaid and you're excited for her big day, but that logistically it's not likely to be easy, so you are offering to step down. If she still really insists on it, and you want to try to be there, just bring up the what-ifs, such as overdue baby, feeling ill or injured, needing to BF on demand, etc, and if she's happy to still plan around those possibilities then everyone should be happy. You'll feel more able to bow out if you aren't well enough.

For my first baby I had an episiotomy and horrible BF problems, and it was weeks and weeks before I'd be able to attend a wedding. For my second, I went to a theme park when he was ten days old. It is really hard to guess how you'll be.

I wouldn't. I could probably attended a wedding 1 week post c section, but not been bridesmaid because of the constant breastfeeding. 1 week post VB and I couldn't leave the house.