Being a bridesmaid with 3 week old newborn?!

[JoFranks01]

Hi, I need some advice!

My friend is getting married in August (postponed from last year) and it's 3 weeks after my due date. I'm due to be a bridesmaid but am FTM and as I get closer to my due date am starting to panic I won't be able to go. I know it's always been a possibility, could be late / c section etc.

Problem is I don't know how to talk to my friend about this all. She hasn't been the most enthusiastic about my pregnancy and knew my due date when wedding was rebooked. Obviously I want to be there, but how realistic is it? She's not once suggested to just see how I go or been understanding that I'll be a bleeding, leaking mess. If anything I've just been told stories of how others have magically been fine the next day 🙄 Planning on bf too, so baby will be with me. I think she just presumes I'll be there or has been burying her hand in the sand like me.

I don't like confrontations or awkward conversations like this, so anyone else been in the same boat and have some wise words for me?? Thanks

Oh, I recommend using a sling if you do go - it means you'll have your hands free to hold a bouquet, drink etc (and yes you are allowed a few drinks if breastfeeding).

I was a bridesmaid with 5 week old baby and we had to fly to the wedding. I shopped for a dress after the baby came. It was pretty stressful and dominated the time after the birth and if I could have got out of it I would have wanted to. On the other hand I did manage. Made it down the aisle and my baby didn’t scream during the ceremony. Did a speech and then spent the rest of the time at the reception sitting down feeding. I really couldn’t have done it with a week old or maybe even a two week old though.

I was asked this for a wedding scheduled 5 weeks after DS1 was due. I said no but accepted as a guest. As it was he was 2 weeks late.

I was physically fine by the time of the wedding but so sleep deprived and still getting to grips with breastfeeding. I’m so glad I didn’t have the pressure of responsibilities at the wedding.

I was a bridesmaid 5 weeks after giving birth BUT my friend was extremely understanding, I wasn't a bridesmaid in any sense other than wearing the dress and walking down the aisle with them while XH held the baby. Every other bridesmaid thing I couldn't do, and she understood that totally. She wanted me there because we are good friends and it would have been sad to have had 3 of the friend group up there and not the 4th.
If your friend is not going to be like that then tell her straight you can't be a bridesmaid and you may not be able to come if baby comes late. Or even if baby doesn't come late but you don't feel up to a wedding. This one was very local to me so I didn't have to travel.

I dont mean to scare you but my DS was 3 weeks late!

I didn't think HCPs allowed you to go over two weeks late because the placenta can fail.

I could have done it after an straightforward birth and feeling physically well. wouldn’t have wanted to though! Boobs leaking, bleeding, emotional wreck, still learning what baby needed, exhausted, and reluctant to even let go of my baby let alone leave them for hours to do getting ready, ceremony, photos etc.

Thing is, assuming your friend doesn’t have kids (so is probably unaware of how you might feel) and the fact that you haven’t said anything, she probably thinks it’s fine. As much as you don’t like confrontation, it’s you that needs to set the boundaries here. Leaving it this close to the wedding will not have helped.

Tell her you will try and come as a guest, do it sooner rather than later otherwise it will be an ongoing stress for you.
How she reacts is down to her 👍

Other people's experiences don't matter, it's about you, you don't feel comfortable being a bridesmaid and that's perfectly fine and reasonable.
You should be enjoying the last part of your pregnancy and not worrying about offending a bride, if you can't face telling her then do it in a text, she still has a couple of months to ask someone else if she wants to, you could offer to pay for the dress etc so she's not out of pocket too as a gesture.

I've had 3 babies and with the benefit of experience wouldn't commit to being a bridesmaid.

It will probably be difficult to even attend the wedding nevermind have an all day role in it.

It’s entirely unlikely you could be a good bridesmaid. You will need to focus on your baby not a bride.
You might be able to be a guest but not necessarily even that.

@RampantIvy

I dont mean to scare you but my DS was 3 weeks late!

I didn't think HCPs allowed you to go over two weeks late because the placenta can fail.

Mine were all three weeks past due date too.

There is no ‘ not allowed’. Women consent to intervention. It is possible to monitor placenta health.

First babies are often later than due date. You could be one week postpartum. Even if baby is a little earlier than due date you’d be max 6 weeks postpartum.

At 6 weeks my feet were still so swollen I could only wear my dad’s trainers. I was still bleeding a lot. I was still mostly incontinent. My boobs were leaking milk, I was staggering around the place exhausted and hormonal, and I cried anytime the baby cried.

So IMO it’s just not realistic.

Having said that I know some people have easy labours and bounce back very quickly, so you may be lucky.

But your friend needs to know there’s a good chance you won’t be able to do it, so that she can make plans accordingly,

Haven’t RTFT, but I went to a family wedding when my DC1 was 3 weeks old (she was 2 weeks late so could have been 5 weeks old). Being a wedding guest was fine, but I couldn’t have done anything else. I just sat feeding the baby mostly while people came & cooed.

My best friend was a bridesmaid for me less than 2 weeks after giving birth but I think it only worked for her because there were no expectations of her; she had her make up and hair done with us and her baby there and she walked down the aisle with us which she said she wanted to do but I’d said to her from when she first said she was pregnant that it was completely up to her if she still wanted to be a bridesmaid/if she still felt able to come to the wedding/if she wanted to come and not be a bridesmaid/if she just wanted to come for the ceremony . We also left it quite casual; she was adamant that she was going to come if she physically could while I didn’t want any pressure on her and just said to see what she felt like when the baby was born

I would just say that you expect not to be there at all.

For the time being, allow her to be excited about her wedding. If she hasn’t had a baby then she will have no idea about the realities of life with a newborn. You may feel absolutely fine and then you’ll go. If not, a few days before the wedding, you speak to her and be honest and say that you love her but can’t come. If she’s your good friend then she’ll understand.

My bridesmaid had a baby 5 weeks before my wedding day. Her dh watched the baby throughout the ceremony and then her ds was asleep in his car seat under the top table for the food and speeches. She felt fine as she had a good birth. She left early I think at about 6.30/7. I appreciated that she made the effort. I would have understood if she’d have told me she didn’t feel up to it though.

I was a bridesmaid when DD1 was three months. It was fine but a looong day and I wouldn't recommend it. She was a refluxy non sleeping baby though.

Three weeks after my due date on DD1 I was ten days post EMCS. That was the absolute low point with breastfeeding and I don't think I could've managed a wedding.

Three weeks after due date on DD2 I was four weeks post section. Calmer baby, more relaxed second time round. I could've gone to a local wedding I think, but bridesmaid probably would've been a step too far.

Op I'm on the logic you can make it work as long as you have a room at the venue where you can strip off to feed as necessary.
But I'd change dress after the photos into something that's easier to access.

A relative did this to me. In the end I had to just say that I was a probably not. That I wasn’t planning on attending and if I could it would be a bonus. They were quite gracious even though I was massively pissed off that they booked a wedding then at all (that was the rebooked date, the first iteration was basically on my due date).

In the end we did go, as baby came a couple of weeks early. But I was still a bloated, uncomfortable, milk leaking mess. It was probably good that we were there but it wasn’t the right choice for me.

Sorry but I would say there's very low chance you will want to do this. I would tell her now.
If you go over and have a c section or a complicated birth this will just be awful for you. You will be bleeding. Potentially breastfeeding?

Sorry to be negative but I'd say no way

Very unreasonable of your friend to expect this (I’m guessing she hasn’t had children)

You’ll have given birth to a baby ffs - a major event in a woman’s life and for her body. You’ll be leaking, bleeding, you might not be able to stand up properly.

Why do people feel it’s acceptable to put new mums under these stresses?

Explain it to your friends like this - Your baby has taken 9 months to grow, its going to takes time to feel normal again, let alone to be able to all the duties she’s expecting!

I don’t think you’ll be able to be bridesmaid. You might be able to attend the wedding but that’s not a definite.

If she’s a real friend she’ll understand and you’ll be able to come up with some options together eg maybe you only go for the ceremony. If she’s so selfish as to not realise that your baby will need you more than she will then she’s not worth putting yourself out for.

You might be fine you might not. It seems like it isn’t worth the stress of trying for someone who is so self-centred that they have let their wedding planning influence how they feel about your pregnancy.

You can't make any promises. Baby might come early and you will be feeling ok to go.

Birth may be complicated. Late or problems afterward etc and you
May not feel up to going.

I went to a wedding a week after my first was born. I was not a key guest. But he was small enough to move around and feed etc. I had a long labour. Forceps and stitches. But felt comfortable enough to go.

There are too many variables. Just do what you are comforttable with. And if she is a real friend she will understand.

Please take the pressure off yourself and back out now. No way could I have managed to be a bridesmaid op. Baby was attached to me constantly and screamed if Taken away from my boob. I was also more exhausted than I thought it was possible to be.

I can’t even think about what you’d do for a dress.

I MIGHT have managed to go to the wedding if it was relatively local and dh came too. But I likely wouldn’t have been able to decide until the day itself.