Being a bridesmaid with 3 week old newborn?!

[JoFranks01]

Hi, I need some advice!

My friend is getting married in August (postponed from last year) and it's 3 weeks after my due date. I'm due to be a bridesmaid but am FTM and as I get closer to my due date am starting to panic I won't be able to go. I know it's always been a possibility, could be late / c section etc.

Problem is I don't know how to talk to my friend about this all. She hasn't been the most enthusiastic about my pregnancy and knew my due date when wedding was rebooked. Obviously I want to be there, but how realistic is it? She's not once suggested to just see how I go or been understanding that I'll be a bleeding, leaking mess. If anything I've just been told stories of how others have magically been fine the next day 🙄 Planning on bf too, so baby will be with me. I think she just presumes I'll be there or has been burying her hand in the sand like me.

I don't like confrontations or awkward conversations like this, so anyone else been in the same boat and have some wise words for me?? Thanks

Both my children were born at 36 weeks so by their due dates I was pretty much back to normal( with my second we went a lot of day trips with her in a sling in her first few weeks)

It was all fairly straightforward for me though ( other than a wks stay in hospital after my first).

Bring it up now with her let her know and ask her what she would prefer to happen.

She may be happy with just seeing how you go and with you pulling out last minute. Or she may ask you to step down now.

Tell her now that you're not going to be a bridesmaid. Neither of you will need to stress about it then.
You also get to focus on your 1 time chance to enjoy your first weeks with your first baby.

I’ve been on the other side of this - my bridesmaid had her baby early, a couple of weeks before my wedding (we were expecting her to be 8 months pregnant).

Despite having a very young premature baby, she did in fact come and be a bridesmaid. I was very prepared for her to cancel! Our set up was quite baby friendly as we were staying in the venue so she had a room to retreat to easily when needed, is that something there would be scope for at yours?

It really does depend on you, your birth and your baby though. There’s no way to predict how you will feel, both physically and ‘ready to take my baby to a social gathering’ wise.

As the bride in that situation, I’d have been very accepting of you saying “I’d like to try and have everything in place so we can come, i.e. plan for a dress that’s going to work, plan for a place available to rest and to feed the baby; and we will try our very hardest to come for as much of the wedding as we can, but if unforeseen circumstances happen (NICU, difficult birth, late baby etc) then it might not be possible.”

You could equally say, because of the risk of having to cancel, could we attend just the evening, as then it’s not going to change too much re the ceremony/seating plans/catering?

I went to a wedding with a 3 week old . I was absolutely fine although clearly, still a funny shape. My baby needed co nstart attention ie fed him in church, fed him in churchyard, fed him in the car, on the stairs at the reception, in the garden etc etc. DH had toddler DD to entertain. I enjoyed myself but was completely well and a fairly confident parent happy to feed here there and everywhere. I don't really think you can be a bridesmaid but you will possibly be able to attend depending on when he baby arrives and how you feel afterwards. At our wedding two friends had newborns. One couple came and the other cried off. I totally understood.

A due date is more like a due monTh. It is totally unrealistic to even consider going let alone be a bridesmaid. Just tell her now, decline the invite. Any reasonable person would understand that you're not going to be able to go anywhere that close to giving birth.

If she's not reasonable then that's up to her. It will give her a chance to reflect and learn later when she has her own kids.

Anyone who would get angry at you about this is just not worth having in your life anyway.

Exactly as PPs say your baby won't necessarily be 3 weeks old as you could have your baby up to 2 weeks late and then you'd only be 1 week PP

Having a very young baby and you will have just given birth so might not feel comfortable in a dress

Hopefully your friend will be understanding

I was 2 weeks late but my feet were swollen for ages. Is she happy if you have to wear flip flops

There's no way of predicting how it'll be.

A friend in my baby group was due three weeks after me. She gave birth 4 weeks early and was totally fine two weeks later (came back to our meet-up).

I gave birth late at 41 weeks and was so exhausted from the birth I didn't have energy to walk properly for about 3 weeks after. Had to lean on the pram and shuffle to the shops. I couldn't even have got myself to church for a wedding, never mind cared for newborn plus been a bridesmaid.

There's something else to consider though. Once you have a baby there's a high chance that you're going to be having broken sleep, at least for a few months. Whilst recovering. Straight after you have a baby (like first 4-6 weeks) you have the chance to rest and recuperate because nobody expects you to be back in normal routines. However, once you get past that, especially the 6 month mark, you're a mother and expected to just get on with it. So if you're genuinely fit as a fiddle and can do things like going to weddings, definitely do them. It can be great for morale to be at social events. If you're not, then it's a) costing you a lot of energy when you've not got much spare and b) eating into the time you get to rest, which you never get back again. My GP told me she saw a fair few mothers who pushed themselves to be back to normal life too early coming to her later (usually the first winter/spring) with things like colds that wouldn't shift and it was due to never actually recovering from labour/birth.

Your friend knew your due date when she rebooked the wedding. That's fine and she should choose her date to suit her. You also have a major life event (more major actually as you can't undo it in the future!) and you need to prioritise yourself and your health.

I'd remove myself from bridesmaid duties (also to be sure I didn't let her down at the last minute - and telling her that). And then see how it goes. If she doesn't like that then that's a shame. But better to know now than have her stressing you later on in the pregnancy or when you're a new mother.

My baby was 13 days late and then I had an emergency c section after 30 hours in labour.. i was in bits, physically and emotionally 🙈 I think prep your friend!

Who knows maybe you will be fine and up for it ! But you might not be!

Most important is to look after yourself and the baby and if your friend can’t understand then she’s not a very good friend really

I had similar from a friend whose wedding was meant to be a month after my babes was born - it would have involved a flight 🙈 she wasn’t taking no for an answer!

I think people without babies just have no idea - I probably used to be the same tbh !

You might be up to going, you might not. Fact is you won't know till baby is here so when you got told the new date for the wedding you should have put your big girl pants on and declined to be a bridesmaid. That would have left her plenty of time to find someone else. I would still have the conversation now. Plenty of women regardless of whether they are a first time mum or not go over two weeks so you could end up with a few days old baby, establishing breast feeding and being a bleeding, emotional new mum.

Like pp you might feel great after the birth and be totally up for it. I went to a wedding 6 weeks after having my ds and regretted it, I found it very hard being away from ds and was still bleeding and sore at that point.

I just flicked back my phone to see what I was doing when my first was 3 weeks old. I went for my first trip out with the baby (other than visiting family and pushing the pram around our estate for small amounts of time). I went to a garden centre for a coffee and cake with some friends. What a mission it was - my husband held a large blanket around me when I had to feed the baby as I honestly couldn't be discreet despite a breastfeeding top, it was such a challenge getting him to latch at that age! It all took ages. Also I was hardly concentrating on the conversations I was part of because I was so tired from relentless night feeding. I remember feeling glad I went out but so glad to be home and we were only there for 1 hour tops.

I honestly would reconsider my position as a bridesmaid if I were in your shoes. For a good friend I would go to the wedding with the support of my husband but please bear in mind, things you take for granted and that seem small just now are going to feel huge when the baby is here eg getting ready to leave at a specific time.

And congratulations to you. Babies are cool! You have so many happy times ahead

I was due to be bridesmaid at my friends wedding this autumn (again rescheduled due to covid) and its actually 5 days after my due date which is really unfortunate. I was just honest with her and told her its unlikely I'll be able to attend as I'll either be overdue and not wanting to be too far from the hospital (first baby) or I'll have a very new baby and I just dont know how I'll be feeling. She was really understanding as she knew with rescheduling that not everyone would be able to go and she knew my due date before choosing the new date so she had all the info.

I would just be honest with her, hopefully she'll understand, and if she doesn't, then she's not a great friend to you tbh

I'd be ducking out on the basis the bride is a selfish person who doesn't give a shit about you. I'm assuming she hasn't had children yet.

Even before having kids, I knew that new mothers needed time to adjust, recover and find their feet. I cannot believe the bride booked the new date (knowing your EDD) and hasn't given you the option to bow out or at least acknowledged it could be difficult for you and offered her support.

How she reacts to you dropping out will be very telling!!

No, don't do it to yourself! Your friend doesn't know what she's talking about.
There are just too many what ifs. What if you need a C section? It takes about 6 weeks to recover, at least. At 3 weeks after my C section I was unable to walk very far, or stand too long.
My baby also had trouble feeding and at 3 weeks PP I was breastfeeding, expressing and topping up with formula, on repeat every 3 hours. That left only about an hour when I wasn't hooked up to a breast pump, or washing bottles, or having baby latched to me. I was also an emotional, hormonal mess and there's no way I could've got dressed up to go to any social occasion, let alone be bridesmaid at a wedding.
Not saying all this will happen to you but it's always a possibility, you just don't know what you'll get and the last thing you want is to be worrying about a wedding.

not in a million years would I agree to that.
not for Queen, nor country.
probably not even for millions of pounds.

no.
a thousand times no

Three weeks post partum (the luckiest option in your case!) I was just sort of existing, my hormones were a mess and in pure survival mode. Being someone’s bridesmaid at that time would be my worst nightmare.

Don't go OP. WTF is wrong with grown women that they agree to be bridesmaids when they know they'll have just given birth/or will have EBF babies? It's a bit rich to expect an excited bride to anticipate the problems, if the mum-to-be doesn't.

@DioneTheDiabolist

Don't go OP. WTF is wrong with grown women that they agree to be bridesmaids when they know they'll have just given birth/or will have EBF babies? It's a bit rich to expect an excited bride to anticipate the problems, if the mum-to-be doesn't.

@DioneTheDiabolist

if this thread title was a question to my face in real life I'd be looking for the cameras thinking "are you for real? surely I'm being pranked!"

I can't believe anyone would actually ask this of a pregnant woman or that they would agree.

You just never know what will happen - my twins were born by emcs 5 weeks early, and by 3 weeks past my due date one was still in hospital...

She needs to be prepared for the possibility you won’t be there at all. Full stop.

I would certainly say you can’t be a bridesmaid and you will do your best to be there if you can.

My first was born at 37 weeks and second at nearly 41 weeks. In both cases, 2-3 weeks after they were born I had either mastitis or both mastitis and thrush. In one case, I was so ill with mastitis, I was actually hallucinating. I might have been up for attending a wedding at that point after the 2nd (which was an easier time), but not to committing to being in a wedding. Though I'm not 100% sure I'd even want to attend a wedding given COVID right now, especially with a very new baby when my immune system was potentially a bit fragile.

I had an incredibly straightforward birth at 28 with no issues and even I was unable to attend as a guest at 1 month, never mind bridesmaid at 3 weeks. It's unrealistic and she's putting a lot of pressure on you. At 3 weeks sitting down can still be sore and you'll be absolutely exhausted especially if exclusively breastfeeding like I did. I'd just say no now. How far away is the wedding? Another factor to consider.

I understand you don't want to disappoint your friend and that she has already indicated she may not be very understanding so you're probably nervous about bringing it up, but I think you definitely need to drop out of being a bridesmaid asap, at the very least. Better that she gets annoyed now (if she's going to) with time to sort it out and replace you than that you end up having to let her down at the last minute.

Just say that you don't want to risk letting her down as a bridesmaid if you are not physically capable and would rather step down now. Up to you if you still want to commit to attending as a guest, although tbh I think I'd rather back out of that too so there would be less chance of me letting her down and her paying for my (and DP's) empty seat.

A couple of my friends have still been in hospital for about 5 days after their births, if you went overdue and then that happened, you could be talking about attending this wedding 2/3 days after coming home for the first time. I think that potentially could be just about doable as a guest if you're really determined, but bridesmaid is a lot to ask.

I think it wouldn't be fair on either of you to stay committed to being a bridesmaid with your due date so close to the wedding day.

I don't think think you'd do it without it causing stress and then having a negative impact on establishing breastfeeding @JoFranks01 I'd back out. If she's a real friend she'll understand otherwise what have you lost? If she doesn't understand you have gained knowledge that she's a CF.

I was a bridesmaid with a 5 week old.
It went ok - Dd was quiet during the ceremony, bride helpfully gave me a colour scheme and let me choose my own dress, so I could bf.
Dd was asleep during the meal and took part in the photos.
I don't remember any bleeding or leaking.

However, I was the worst bridesmaid ever!
I managed to hand out orders of service, witness the marriage certificate and take part in the ceremony so that part was ok, but then I had to stay behind in the church feeding Dd rather than escorting everyone to the venue.
And I completely missed all the speeches and the first dance because I was feeding again.

And then I had to leave at about 9pm because Dd was getting grizzly, and I was exhausted.

Luckily the bride was very understanding, but in retrospect I should have just gone as a guest.

I'd politely back out now and save yourself the stress. With my first I had a "normal" delivery two weeks before my due date but we were in hospital for five days and when we got home I genuinely felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I remember going into town to register his birth when he was 3 weeks old and having a wander round the Christmas markets afterwards and feeling utterly exhausted after an hour and worrying that I was bleeding through my pad. I also felt kind of jittery and anxious and vulnerable with my hormones going wild so the absolute last thing I'd have wanted is all eyes on me walking down an aisle as a bridesmaid.