Ds (12) and porn

[Beargogogo]

We are pretty careful with what ds accesses at home, we have locks on to stop him from accessing anything inappropriate. However he has been to his nan’s this afternoon and both he and his sister have taken their iPads. I didn’t go - DH did - but apparently he’s been able to have some time without anyone seeing what he’s doing and she hasn’t got the controls on her internet.
Ds and dd iPads seem to be linked somehow when on her WiFi because dd put her iPad on when she got back and was confronted with images of naked women urinating / naked women lying in urine. The search was ‘women peeing humiliation’ (spelling incorrectly). The page must have downloaded at her nan’s. She is 5.
I’ve been through ds’s history and he has searched - today when at his nan’s - lesbian peeing humiliation, peeing on floor, humiliating women pee etc etc.

I am so ill equipped to deal with this. I’d sooner it was just normal porn. It’s not. It’s pretty nasty stuff - or the images on dd’s iPad were. I’m not actually able to access the others now because our filter blocks it. Some were naked women, bent over, with blood all over the floor.

Ok hes young, hormonal and autistic.

You need to have a calm conversation.

1. What makes him think that its ok for women to be humiliated. Why is he thinking thats ok to look at and does he realise these are real women that are forced to do this and we should not support things that encourage people to hurt women.

1. That sex between consenting adults is nothing like the weird stuff you see on the internet and it rots your brain
2. That even though he might be tempted to look at porn and that being interested in sexual things is normal and ok, that you need to be careful because there is a lot of illegal and violent stuff online that is not only bad for people psychologically, it can also get you in big trouble and it hurts real life people.
3. That even adults who sometimes look at stuff are careful about it, and he isnt. He has broadcast it now to his sister and now everyone knows, and people can always find out what other people do online.

Id confiscate his ipad for a while.
I think at least with a phone you can set it so adult stuff is also blocked on their data ( if its a contract phone) as well as through wifi, but a tablet, i guess youre at the mercy of whoevers wifi you connect to. My neighbours let us use their wifi once when ours was playing up and my dd used the opportunity to check out all sorts, so im extra careful now

@Beargogogo then honestly go to counselling.

I don't believe for a second children don't pick up on subtle social anomalies and your poor son probably picks up very well the fact you find him weird and don't like him. Poor bloody kid.

@Jellybean100

The way you are talking about your son - being weird and very smart - makes me think you have some suspicions and deep concerns about him already.

That said when I was younger in school searching some pretty awful things online was the thing - 2 girls 1 cup etc. If he is socially awkward and people in school were talking about stuff like this maybe he was being curious. Not that that excuses things and he definitely needs to know it’s unacceptable and inappropriate

This is a very good point actually. 2 girls 1 cup 'came out' when I was in year 8, and EVERYONE saw it. They either heard people talking about it or were shown it by a friend. The 'thing' was to show it to someone who hadn't seen it before and laugh at their reaction.

In case you don't know, OP, 2 girls 1 cup is 2 women shitting into a cup, eating it and then throwing up in each others mouths.

We were 12.

@Beargogogo how can you do portray your son in such manner? I think you are the problem here. Please get some help as this is not normal!!

Oh, I just saw that you don't like your son. Right. You need to get help. The porn should be the least off your worries. Poor kid.

@greatauntfanny yeah I was quite young around the 2 girls 1 cup era. There were also things like 'blue waffle' and all sorts of random things people in the playground would talk about.

I was lucky I had an older brother as I'd ask him about it and he'd either tell me what it was or show me if it wasn't anything too horrific.

I can imagine a lot of kids get caught out googling weird shit as they've heard playground whispers of weird things.

I'm a 28 year old woman and even I google the weirdest shit sometimes just to see what the fuss is about.

I just think it’s likely at some point that he will stomp all over some poor woman’s boundaries. He’s got normal hormones and sex drive but not the ability to manage social cues very well. I’ve spoken to him lots of times but it’s made no difference. Not in relation to sex - but in things like knocking his sister over on purpose for example.

He's 12 years old and going through a massive period of change, even more challenging for him as a child on the spectrum and his own mother calls him weird and says he's hard to like..

If this is genuine and he doesn't do consent or respect to women you have to take some responsibility for this. Nature v nurture?

I love him, but no I don’t like him a lot of the time.

[quote imforourfreedomback]@Beargogogo how can you do portray your son in such manner? I think you are the problem here. Please get some help as this is not normal!![/quote]
To be fair, you don’t know her son (if he exists).
I’ve met some spine-chillingly terrifying 12 year old boys. I can’t imagine how it must feel to be their mum.
She needs to take him to therapy but I think, if I was in this position, an anonymous online forum might be a good place to vent without having to expose my son and his issues to people we knew before we had got to the therapy stage.

Mumsnet will delete me off the site for what I am about to say, they always do.

My older brother raped me. He was 'weird' lacking in boundaries and empathy and extremely sadistic.

Sibling abuse is really common.

Look after your DD.

@Beargogogo many many posters have suggested speaking to a counsellor, psychologist or psychotherapist about this issue and your feelings around it. You posted on mumsnet for advice, and this is the advice you’ve been given. Would this financially be an option?

I think if you have even a couple of hundred pounds you could spare, to book an initial session so you can talk to a professional about the issue and your feelings towards your son, it could really help.

Oh he can be delightful when he chooses but the nastiness is just below the surface.
For example yesterday he had to wait to go into a shop and a girl with red hair came out and he said ‘what took you so long you frickin ginger haired freak.’ She didn’t hear. He didn’t say it to her. But he still said it.
He’d been having a perfectly a nice conversation before. He just broke off and said it. He has not been brought up this way. I do not understand it. He has always been difficult but only in recent years has he been nasty.

Him wanting to look at weird porn doesnt mean hes not safe around your dd, but if you genuinely feel thats a concern then obviously you need to keep watch.
Autistic kids do sometimes need specific education around consent, as so many cues can be non verbal and implied which is difficultvto navigate. Theory of mind deficiencies can mean they assume that because they want something then the other does too, or the others opinion on it is not as important.

I went to a conference with a talk on issues with autistic sex education. Shame and stigma can mean these things arent discussed in an effective way.
Whether you are finding certain aspects of his personality and development difficult as he gets older, he still needs to learn this stuff so he can develop healthy sexuality and not harm others or be harmed

My master's thesis was on sibling abuse. I got a distinction and now work in child protection.

But 'la la la la la' is always the order of the day whenever I try to share what I know.

I’ll have to have a look at costs. There’s no point going to the GP. There’s nothing out there for MH for children.

My concern is that if he has these feelings and no boundaries his sister is an easy target.
I do not want them left alone, that’s for sure.

What does your dh say about it all

DH was angry but I’ve stepped in. We need to talk to ds about it calmly. He won’t get it - he’ll know he shouldn’t have done it but he won’t have any empathy for the women involved in the porn. He’ll be sorry he was caught. That’s it.

Thank you nowigetbanned
I’m very sorry that happened to you.
Some of what I feel is a gut feeling and I realise it’s an awful thing to think about your dc but my daughter is my dc as well and I think he’s a risk to her.

@greatauntfanny Cheers for that I'd actually erased that from my memory 😭. I was also 12!

Evening, everyone.

We've deleted several troll hunting posts here. We wanted to pop in to say please do report to us rather than troll hunt on the thread. It's against our guidelines and it never helps.

But more importantly, we've had a good look behind the scenes here and this poster has been with us some considerable years and never been any trouble to us. Everything we can see here hangs together as far as we can see. Obviously, we can never say with 100% certainty that any poster is genuine or not, but in this case, we're more than happy to give the benefit of the doubt at the very least.

We hope that puts a few minds at rest.

OP - sorry for gatecrashing your thread. We hope you manage to work through all this ok.

God OP, I was all ready to say that you were being far too harsh and you shouldn't feel that way about your ds, but after your updates I kind of understand why you must feel like that. That's a really difficult situation. Like you say what can really be done.
@stressbandit, why do they dete you off the site? Why are you not allowed to say what happened to you? That's ridiculous!

Sadly it is genuine.
I’d much rather not be here saying this, believe me!

@Beargogogo

Thank you nowigetbanned I’m very sorry that happened to you. Some of what I feel is a gut feeling and I realise it’s an awful thing to think about your dc but my daughter is my dc as well and I think he’s a risk to her.

Have you talked to your daughter about consent? I know she’s only young but a conversation about how no one should touch her (including brother) and to talk to you if they do.