Ds (12) and porn

[Beargogogo]

We are pretty careful with what ds accesses at home, we have locks on to stop him from accessing anything inappropriate. However he has been to his nan’s this afternoon and both he and his sister have taken their iPads. I didn’t go - DH did - but apparently he’s been able to have some time without anyone seeing what he’s doing and she hasn’t got the controls on her internet.
Ds and dd iPads seem to be linked somehow when on her WiFi because dd put her iPad on when she got back and was confronted with images of naked women urinating / naked women lying in urine. The search was ‘women peeing humiliation’ (spelling incorrectly). The page must have downloaded at her nan’s. She is 5.
I’ve been through ds’s history and he has searched - today when at his nan’s - lesbian peeing humiliation, peeing on floor, humiliating women pee etc etc.

I am so ill equipped to deal with this. I’d sooner it was just normal porn. It’s not. It’s pretty nasty stuff - or the images on dd’s iPad were. I’m not actually able to access the others now because our filter blocks it. Some were naked women, bent over, with blood all over the floor.

You also need to sort out the way the 2 iPads are connected.

I don’t think they are. I think he’s used dd’s iPad to look. Maybe tried it out first on hers to see if it worked at MiL’s.

Because they don’t link here.

Are you sure he’s viewing these as a turn on/porn?
Lots of children would find this funny rather than attractive.

OP I don’t mean to alarm you but a lot of weird kinks begin to show during puberty. He needs to know he’s too young to make decisions on what kind of content is safe for him to consume and consensual. I would have a talk about how he cannot possibly know of this lady was okay with this, and that he needs to keep his thoughts to himself and not look them up on the internet.

When he’s an adult he can do these things in a safer and consensual manner, but he’s 12 and needs to keep his thoughts to himself. The problem is his decision making hasn’t caught up with the hormones he’s getting in puberty. I still truly don’t think he’s a bad kid. He just needs a frank discussion on what he’s watching, the bottom line is it doesn’t matter what he’s watching NONE of it is appropriate. Then no access to anything without controls in place.

OP, I think you need to get a specialist children’s/family psychotherapist involved here. Speak to them yourself about the situation first, to get some advice and explore your own feelings.

This is way, way way above mumsnets pay grade. On the one hand, it’s completely normal for a 12-year-old to start being interested in sex. You don’t want to make them feel ashamed. On the other hand, a urine fetish seems very extreme and unusual for that age. But maybe it’s not as unusual as we might think. You really need to talk to an expert.

Why do you say you don’t want him around your daughter? Are you worried she is at risk?

(But please do talk to a professional about this)

He’s weird full stop. That’s the problem. I wouldn’t want him around my child if I were anyone else’s parent. He’s weird with a side of really smart.

Because he doesn’t do consent terribly well. I’ve talked to him over and over and over. He’s big and strong and at some point he’s going to harm some poor girl.
I don’t want him unsupervised around his sister.

You need to put the iPads away first of all so this can't happen again for now and get some professional help.

@Beargogogo

He’s weird full stop. That’s the problem. I wouldn’t want him around my child if I were anyone else’s parent. He’s weird with a side of really smart.

Is this the shock of what you’ve found talking, or something deeper in his personality? I think if you feel this way about your child you need to get a family psychologist and a child psychologist involved ASAP. You could probably do with it anyway after this, but this comment strikes me as very ‘othering’ of him and he will feel it from you which might lead to him acting out unless you work as a team to get this resolved.

@Beargogogo

Because he doesn’t do consent terribly well. I’ve talked to him over and over and over. He’s big and strong and at some point he’s going to harm some poor girl. I don’t want him unsupervised around his sister.

You need to get some professional help here. He's still your son.

The way you are talking about your son - being weird and very smart - makes me think you have some suspicions and deep concerns about him already.

That said when I was younger in school searching some pretty awful things online was the thing - 2 girls 1 cup etc. If he is socially awkward and people in school were talking about stuff like this maybe he was being curious. Not that that excuses things and he definitely needs to know it’s unacceptable and inappropriate

Without trying to minimise the situation, it's also possible that instead of him being some sort of deviant, he was accessing 'normal' (as it were) porn, followed a few links and found himself in this world. Twelve is a very curious age. There will be videos with 'woman wee humiliation' (or whatever it was) in the title, so he'll know to search for that to look at it again.

@Beargogogo

Because he doesn’t do consent terribly well. I’ve talked to him over and over and over. He’s big and strong and at some point he’s going to harm some poor girl. I don’t want him unsupervised around his sister.

You need to access support as soon as possible, as a matter of urgency, if this is how you feel.

@Beargogogo

He’s weird full stop. That’s the problem. I wouldn’t want him around my child if I were anyone else’s parent. He’s weird with a side of really smart.

Is this your own son you’re talking about? And you think he’s weird full stop?

It’s very normal for a 12 year old boy (or girl) to be developing an interest in sex. That doesn’t make him weird. The wee thing could be something someone at school told him, or he read/heard about online on YouTube or a video game chat room or wherever, and piqued his interest.

It seems harsh and unhealthy to dismiss him as a total weirdo, he is a child. You can tell he is still very naive and hardly a mastermind, otherwise he wouldn’t have searched it on his sisters iPad at his nans house.

I think it’s important that you don’t cast him out as a scapegoat/weirdo child just because he’s reached an age where he’s googling things that make you uncomfortable, and your sweet five year old is obviously at an easier age. Remember, you will be having conversations with her about sex and porn in 8 years time, too. It’s a part of parenting, you can’t opt out.

If you find this very uncomfortable and hard to deal with, I think this is even more reason for you to talk to a professional about it.

@Lavender201 i agree with everything you have said here.

Op, in what way is he “weird” (before this happened)?

Oh goodness.

What does your DH say?

I agree you need specialist advice.

You also need to not hate your son over this; he's only 12. And he was crying; he's scared and confused and ashamed and that's a very dangerous combination.

I too think this is in the wrong section OP.
Ask MN to move it to the SN section.
Most of the posters here whilst well-being, will have no idea of the ASD spectrum of difficulties.

You are basically implying he could sexually assault your daughter. That’s a very unusual thing to think about your own child.

It’s genuine unfortunately.

It’s not happened before but he’s just weird. He’s difficult and hard to to like. He’s always been that way. I do not find him being on the spectrum a ‘gift’ and I absolutely would make him NT if I could. He doesn’t get boundaries. He doesn’t get social cues. He has very little respect for women. And no, I don’t like him very much.