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Original poster

Help me be more accepting of trans children

86 replies

piddocktrumperiness · 29/05/2021 17:11

I am a huge advocate for LGBTQ, or so I thought, until my new partner's child came out as trans a few months ago. They're getting into lots of trouble at school and the authorities too which complicates things further. I am so angry at myself for thinking of this and finding problems but all I see is problems. I split up from my abusive ExP a few years ago, was loving my simple single life and vowed to simplify my life and not settle.

But I really like this new guy. I worry I'll experience his stresses with him and it's so awful to think of all the problems or challenges that may lay ahead before we even begun this relationship properly. I also start thinking of what my family and friends will think which again is awful because this isn't about me.
I think well I should be focused on the guy, and any issues with his kids are his issues alone, nothing to do with me, but that's not realistic is it?

This teen is going through a mountain of change and needs a good support network. I've not met them yet.

I have a teen too and also wonder what the impact would be on them.

Help me be a better person and debunk any of the worries I may have. I don't want to be ignorant or cruel or bigoted, I want to understand and embrace and accept, but need help and guidance so I can get there.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/05/2021 17:18

Sounds like far too much hassle. Being in a relationship is meant to make happier, easier, to bring you comfort, support and joy.

The specific nature of the complication here is irrelevant. Dating someone who has kids can be hard work. It’s not for everyone. That’s okay.

Why bring so much drama and angst into your life when you can avoid it.

Walk away. Focus on your own child. If you want to date find someone with a less complicated life.

EishetChayil · 29/05/2021 17:49

Yeah - way too much hassle. Just leave him.

YouLookSoCool · 29/05/2021 17:57

Mumsnet is the absolute last place to turn for advice on being understanding and accepting of trans kids. I'd do some research elsewhere.

FrippEnos · 29/05/2021 17:59

Why do you think that you need specific help and guidance?

Puntastic · 29/05/2021 18:03

You've not met the kid yet, stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You can disagree with the idea that people can change sex without being rude to those who have built their lives around the idea that people can, and tell themselves they have. Just call them by their preferred name and pronoun (should be easy enough as you'll have never known them by any other name or used any other pronoun with them) and treat them as you would any other kid.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2021 18:04

I think well I should be focused on the guy, and any issues with his kids are his issues alone, nothing to do with me, but that's not realistic is it?

My friends have been dating for 2 years and neither has met the children. You can absolutely set things up that way. Just don't do that thing women do, volunteer to be a caregiver and servant.

FWIW the kid sounds like they're struggling. If a simple life is what you crave, this is probably not the relationship for you.

Puntastic · 29/05/2021 18:05

Oh, and avoid announcing and discussing your gender critical stance in front of them. There are many other different topics of conversation to choose from.

ChoccyLatte · 29/05/2021 18:06

I think you're right in that it's not about you. We need more people in the world who would be there for people regardless of their gender identity. Its like you're still in school playground choosing your relationship based on what other adults will think of you... for one who really cares, it's not their life it's yours and the child being trans doesn't change the person they are. It's not hurting you in any way shape or form to be the partner of a father whose child is trans... imagine if you're own child decided they were trans and your partner left you because of it... It's just a nasty, judgemental way to behave.

The behaviour issues of the child might cause you stress but again, if you love this man wouldn't you rather be supportive and try and help his kid who is in obviously in distress.

My son is not trans because he's just 7 but he sometimes wears sparkly clothes and I can't tell you how fearful we have been for him but I promise you if you stay with this guy you will be so shocked how lovely and supportive people are in real life. The fear is far worse than the reality

KaleSlayer · 29/05/2021 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RickiTarr · 29/05/2021 18:12

Run, don’t walk.

Original poster

piddocktrumperiness · 29/05/2021 18:13

Thanks everyone
@FrippEnos I think it's because I am struggling because I am worried this child will have years of trauma that they need processing, that will impact their father, and then me and my kid.
I am struggling to navigate the situation, when they can't be on hormones until they're 18, that they will draw attention to themselves wherever we go, and then I might hear some remark and get offended.

It's a very selfish thing to admit that, because this should not be about me, but still, I don't want any unwelcome remarks or attention should this relationship flourish into something.

I don't like how I feel about this and wish I was unbothered so I'd like to not be bothered by it. How do I do that?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2021 18:13

The behaviour issues of the child might cause you stress but again, if you love this man wouldn't you rather be supportive and try and help his kid who is in obviously in distress.

Women don't have to be men's emotional support humans. OP needs calm and serenity because of an abusive relationship. She gets to choose that if she wants.

Thehawki · 29/05/2021 18:19

Someone being trans isn’t the end of the world OP, they just see the world W bit differently to you. It’s not a personal attack on your beliefs, use their preferred name and pronouns and pick other topics to talk about when you’re around them. They could need therapy for all sorts of reasons different to being trans, would you feel the same if the child was acting out from a mental health disorder or a condition like autism? I’m not saying they’re the same thing, but the behaviour is really what you seem concerned about, so it might be wise to ask yourself that question and see what you are willing bring into your life.

Original poster

piddocktrumperiness · 29/05/2021 18:21

@ChoccyLatte Thank you. I hear what you are saying and agree with most of it. I think on some level I believe it would actually hurt me in some shape of form- or at least I have made it out it be the case in my head.
It's very egotistical of myself I think, to focus on my view of the situation when this child is going through a complex journey and her parents are so accepting and loving.

I don't want to think of what my family thinks, or what others around me think, but I am struggling to not do that.

OP posts:

AfternoonToffee · 29/05/2021 18:22

The majority of children identifying as trans gender have other stuff going on, so it is just being there for the trans 'issue' it is supporting with any other potential stuff, which already includes trouble with the authorities.

AfternoonToffee · 29/05/2021 18:24

@YouLookSoCool

Mumsnet is the absolute last place to turn for advice on being understanding and accepting of trans kids. I'd do some research elsewhere.

Yet you offer no advice.

FrippEnos · 29/05/2021 18:24

piddocktrumperiness

What I am getting at is you don't need to do anything different to support this child than you would any other, call them by their name, respond to things that you would find offensive in the same way as you would any offensive comment etc.

You seem to be borrowing trouble for no real reason.

As for the child going on hormones they may not. Not all do.

year5teacher · 29/05/2021 18:28

@YouLookSoCool

Mumsnet is the absolute last place to turn for advice on being understanding and accepting of trans kids. I'd do some research elsewhere.

This.

ChoccyLatte · 29/05/2021 18:29

[quote piddocktrumperiness]@ChoccyLatte Thank you. I hear what you are saying and agree with most of it. I think on some level I believe it would actually hurt me in some shape of form- or at least I have made it out it be the case in my head.
It's very egotistical of myself I think, to focus on my view of the situation when this child is going through a complex journey and her parents are so accepting and loving.

I don't want to think of what my family thinks, or what others around me think, but I am struggling to not do that.[/quote]
Sounds like you're fearful of what they'd think of you and that's got be your own lack of self confidence and assurance that you need to work on. You gotta live your life for yourself only.

I know you know that it really really doesn't matter what other people think of you although it is hard to act on that... but truthfully if they're going to think bad of you for potentially having a trans step child in the future then they're really not worth the time.

I actually think people would admire you for it rather than judge you negatively

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2021 18:30

It's very egotistical of myself I think, to focus on my view of the situation when this child is going through a complex journey and her parents are so accepting and loving.

Rather than focus on this child and their journey, ask yourself why you are. You are allowed to choose whatever you like, you are allowed boundaries, even if they aren't someone else's boundaries. You are allowed to make choices in your personal life that are personal, not political or altruistic.

Having come out of an abusive relationship you are far more likely to make choices for other people, not yourself. And because of the nature of this issue people will try to push you. No one has the right to a relationship with you.

I will say though that the transboys I've known tend to wear what my DD wears. Hoody, short hair and a grumpy face. No one cares or looks twice.

Original poster

piddocktrumperiness · 29/05/2021 18:31

@Thehawki

Thank you for your post, I think you've made some excellent points there. I have actually asked myself those questions. Like you, I cannot compare gender identity with disabilities or likewise but for sake of argument;
I think the difference is that Trans issues are v new, and in some circles v contentious and inflammatory and can be viewed as voluntary or they've done that to themselves type thing.

A child with mental health issues, physical disabilities or disorders are looked upon with compassion, whereas unfortunately I feel that people on the whole may not be as compassionate and accepting of Trans people.

I suppose queer folk faced similar experiences years ago? But again, trans is much more complicated- v complicated once you move away from sex, and start talking about gender identity and expression

OP posts:

SionnachRua · 29/05/2021 18:33

@YouLookSoCool

Mumsnet is the absolute last place to turn for advice on being understanding and accepting of trans kids. I'd do some research elsewhere.

Absolutely agree with this.

Tbh OP I would back away from this relationship because as you say in your first post, you were enjoying a simplified life after the breakup. Nothing about this new situation sounds simple.

Franklyfrost · 29/05/2021 18:34

Mumsnet is not the place to ask how to be accepting to trans people. I suppose, as with any prejudice, the cure is to meet the kid and learn to see them as a fellow human. Teenagers can be really hard work, trans or otherwise, so the question of do you want to be with someone who is supporting a difficult teen is separate from whether you want to be with someone related to a trans person.

Lollyneenah · 29/05/2021 18:38

It sounds like a lot of chaos which sounds like the opposite life that you should be living for yourself and your child.
When you say trouble with the authorities, what does that mean?

DelilahDingleberry · 29/05/2021 18:38

I wonder if you’re pinning things on the trans element when actually it’s more than that. The trauma is there even if you take the trans stuff out of it - in trouble at school and with authorities.

My advice, walk away. He might have been the right guy if he had a simple family situation but he doesn’t, so he isn’t. Or, you decide being with him is worth all the trauma you’ll have to deal with.

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