Help me be more accepting of trans children

[piddocktrumperiness]

I am a huge advocate for LGBTQ, or so I thought, until my new partner's child came out as trans a few months ago. They're getting into lots of trouble at school and the authorities too which complicates things further. I am so angry at myself for thinking of this and finding problems but all I see is problems. I split up from my abusive ExP a few years ago, was loving my simple single life and vowed to simplify my life and not settle.

But I really like this new guy. I worry I'll experience his stresses with him and it's so awful to think of all the problems or challenges that may lay ahead before we even begun this relationship properly. I also start thinking of what my family and friends will think which again is awful because this isn't about me.
I think well I should be focused on the guy, and any issues with his kids are his issues alone, nothing to do with me, but that's not realistic is it?

This teen is going through a mountain of change and needs a good support network. I've not met them yet.

I have a teen too and also wonder what the impact would be on them.

Help me be a better person and debunk any of the worries I may have. I don't want to be ignorant or cruel or bigoted, I want to understand and embrace and accept, but need help and guidance so I can get there.

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Don't be so disingenuous. OP has explained her reasons and has no obligation to engage in any relationship she finds too complicated.

If that's aimed at me, I never said she did.

Being concerned about having a troubled teen in your life is perfectly reasonable.

But if she would be ok with a different kind of teen trouble then it depends if her concern about the trans issue is a shallow thing she could get past or if it has specific aspects she would find hard to deal with.

There have been some explanations but I'm not fully understanding it.

The only concrete reason I can see given (I may have missed something) is that OP is concerned what her family and friends would think.

Personally I don't feel that by itself is a great reason to give up a relationship you're otherwise happy with but it feels like there is more to it.

To be honest, I think it comes across as OP is concerned about a troubled teen and how this will impact her boundaries and her own child. The fact that the child also is trans makes her feel bad for not getting involved.

Posters here telling her that she is a bad person doesn’t help.

Honestly, how many posters here think it is a good idea for a woman who has been abused and who is looking after her own child to enter into a new relationship? Where the new partners child is in trouble with school and the authorities and is likely to (and rightly so) demand a huge amount of the man’s attention?

People here are just trying to be kind to the the child because it is a trans child and this infuriates me. Treat the trans child as any other child. OP does not need this in her life.

I don't think you need to learn to be more understanding OP. You sound like a very understanding person. The issue is whether being in this relationship is good for you right now. From what you've written I'd suggest it isn't.

I think you are putting the ‘trans’ agenda ahead of everything, when you should be looking at what it right in front of you.

This is an individual, a teenager, who you don’t know very well. You don’t know what the background really is and why they’ve done this. You don’t know your new BF that well either.

I think it sounds like a nightmare and would steer well clear.

But if you stay, I would be very careful not to make assumptions and feel because you know something about LGBT etc issues that you know this child. You don’t and you could be bringing in a bit of a ‘woke’ perspective which would not be helpful.

@Aria999

The only concrete reason I can see given (I may have missed something) is that OP is concerned what her family and friends would think.

Personally I don't feel that by itself is a great reason to give up a relationship you're otherwise happy with but it feels like there is more to it.

I have friend who has mixed heritage kids. Her mother is a racist. Would life have been easier for her if she had picked a different partner? Absolutely, based on the judgement of her family. Would I have judged her for choosing an easier life? Absolutely not. Sometimes the judgement of others is too much. We're not all Gandhi or Joan of Arc.

@MrsTerryPratchett

You're right. No judgment here. It isn't what I would do but I'm lucky in having relatively non judgmental family and friends so I don't really know what that would be like.

Me as well and it's utterly shit for people that don't.

I feel so sorry for my friend because she's lovely and wants relationships that work with her family but in order to do that, she has to compromise all the time (and listen to hateful shite).

What you wanted was a relatively low key and stable start to dating and what you’re concerned about is being dragged into teen drama, rebellion, clashes with the law etc ... have I understood properly?

It is ok to tell your new bloke that you need to pull back (a bit for the time being OR entirely and for good) because the legacy of your abusive relationship means you need to be cautious.

Whatever the reason, if it’s more than you’re happy with, you have every right to withdraw. Your boundaries matter to you just as his child’s difficulties matter to him.

You're probably reading too much mumsnet if you think people are going to have huge issues due to them being trans. Most people don't care and won't judge.

No need for the snide comments Thursday

Not snide, just honest @TheWeeDonkey. I would be horrified if I were dating and it turned out that the person I was dating was stressing and catastrophising about my DC.

So, easier and fairer all round if the OP ends it.