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Original poster

Help me be more accepting of trans children

86 replies

piddocktrumperiness · 29/05/2021 17:11

I am a huge advocate for LGBTQ, or so I thought, until my new partner's child came out as trans a few months ago. They're getting into lots of trouble at school and the authorities too which complicates things further. I am so angry at myself for thinking of this and finding problems but all I see is problems. I split up from my abusive ExP a few years ago, was loving my simple single life and vowed to simplify my life and not settle.

But I really like this new guy. I worry I'll experience his stresses with him and it's so awful to think of all the problems or challenges that may lay ahead before we even begun this relationship properly. I also start thinking of what my family and friends will think which again is awful because this isn't about me.
I think well I should be focused on the guy, and any issues with his kids are his issues alone, nothing to do with me, but that's not realistic is it?

This teen is going through a mountain of change and needs a good support network. I've not met them yet.

I have a teen too and also wonder what the impact would be on them.

Help me be a better person and debunk any of the worries I may have. I don't want to be ignorant or cruel or bigoted, I want to understand and embrace and accept, but need help and guidance so I can get there.

OP posts:
Orf1abc · 29/05/2021 18:38

I'd agree with those suggesting MN is the wrong place to ask this question, if you base your research around transgender lives on here your view would be extremely skewed.

I have a few friends that have transitioned and adults, and a friend's son that expressed their belief that they are male at age 15. The latter is probably most relevant to your situation. He's now mid twenties, has had hormone treatment and surgery. His experience of transitioning is not nearly the drama some make it out to be, and he has had no problems with people accepting him as a male. Honestly, if you met him today you'd assume he'd always been male.

Society is far more accepting of transpeople than the pockets of the internet that cast nasty and inaccurate stereotypes.

TinyRobins · 29/05/2021 18:39

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Crinkle77 · 29/05/2021 18:43

You're getting stressed about a child you've never met. I assume you don't live with this guy so it not like his child will be coming to yours all the time. In fact you'll probably hardly see them. And I don't understand why you have to take on your partner's stress. Be supportive but just keep out of it.

Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 29/05/2021 18:43

I'm not sure how I feel about ending a relationship with someone because of something he has literally no control over.

What would I even say?

OP posts:
RickiTarr · 29/05/2021 18:43

Women don't have to be men's emotional support humans. OP needs calm and serenity because of an abusive relationship. She gets to choose that if she wants.

This. OP “vowed to simplify [her] life and not settle” now suddenly a teen with behavioural problems is in her life, and potentially going to be in close contact with her own teen, but the behavioural problems are being downplayed and the trans aspects being emphasised instead. Not a good situation for a woman wanting a peaceful life.

ThursdayWeld · 29/05/2021 18:45

@piddocktrumperiness

Thanks everyone *@FrippEnos* I think it's because I am struggling because I am worried this child will have years of trauma that they need processing, that will impact their father, and then me and my kid. I am struggling to navigate the situation, when they can't be on hormones until they're 18, that they will draw attention to themselves wherever we go, and then I might hear some remark and get offended.

It's a very selfish thing to admit that, because this should not be about me, but still, I don't want any unwelcome remarks or attention should this relationship flourish into something.

I don't like how I feel about this and wish I was unbothered so I'd like to not be bothered by it. How do I do that?

Yeah, it does sound like the kid will have a happier life without you around stressing.
DelilahDingleberry · 29/05/2021 18:47

I'm not sure how I feel about ending a relationship with someone because of something he has literally no control over.

That is about boundaries. Are you prepared to take on this life just because this guy has no control over it? You are allowed to say no to things that aren’t right for you.

ThursdayWeld · 29/05/2021 18:48

I have a trans teen. Somehow we all just manage to mosey on.

You sound like a drama queen.

Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 29/05/2021 18:49

@RickiTarr
I believe the trouble with the authorities is only v recent, so unsure if the rebelliousness is just a teen thing, a troubled teen thing, or a troubled teen transitioning thing.

OP posts:
Bigwave · 29/05/2021 18:50

I don't get why this is an issue. he could have had a male of female child -just get on with your life with him ?

Original poster
piddocktrumperiness · 29/05/2021 18:51

@ThursdayWeld

Maybe I do come across like that. In all honesty I am only trying to look out for myself and my own teen, as we have had a very difficult time when I was married.

I would love any advice you can give me about navigating families, friends etc

I don't want to be a drama queen

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/05/2021 18:54

You haven’t said what’s so amazing and irresistible about this man to tempt you into a complicated situation that’s already riddled with drama.

I reiterate that the trans thing is a total side issue. You’re casually dating a man who has a troubled teen. You have your own teen who both needs and deserves your attention.

You’re already resorting to posting on here about how hard you think it’ll be being with him. Why entertain this at all?

No matter how promising he seems there will be other men you could date. So walk away and find one of them.

Anyone posting about concerns this early into seeing someone surely realises it’s a bad sign?

TheRebelle · 29/05/2021 18:54

@piddocktrumperiness

I'm not sure how I feel about ending a relationship with someone because of something he has literally no control over.

What would I even say?

You don’t have to tell the absolute truth, if you do decide it’s all a bit too complicated just say the relationship isn’t right for you at the minute, it’s not you it’s me yada yada yada.
MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2021 18:57

@piddocktrumperiness

I'm not sure how I feel about ending a relationship with someone because of something he has literally no control over.

What would I even say?

OK you need to hear this. You can end a relationship for any reason at all. No matter how trivial, stupid or ugly. You can end a relationship because they slurp their tea, or have ginger pubes or you just don't like their face that day. Any reason at all. You don't owe anyone a relationship.

And you are allowed to lie or just not say. That's OK too.

And before you get into another relationship, you need to internalise this.

YouLookSoCool · 29/05/2021 18:58

@piddocktrumperiness

I'm not sure how I feel about ending a relationship with someone because of something he has literally no control over.

What would I even say?

You are allowed to end a relationship at any time for any reason. If you don't feel this situation/relationship is right for you at the moment, for whatever reason, you're not under any obligation to continue it.
Shadedog · 29/05/2021 19:07

I'm not sure how I feel about ending a relationship with someone because of something he has literally no control over

You don’t have to present your reasons before a panel. It’s perfectly ok to end a relationship simply because it’s not right for you at this time. Personally I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who had that much baggage, I just cba with drama and I would not under any circumstances be telling my own teens that “gender” is anything other than a social hierarchy and trans activism is anything other than sexism on stilts. Obviously this could cause issues if another adult is going around saying “yeah, you can have male women who have womanly identities, it’s nothing to do with sexed bodies but obviously hormones and surgery are life saving”. It also sounds like the child could do with having 100% of their dads attention at the moment and I wouldn’t really want to be in that as a new gf. Under normal circs dating without meeting kids would seem fine, but, honestly, how will he find the time?

Crepescular · 29/05/2021 19:17

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Blankspace101 · 29/05/2021 19:20

You are in the wrong place if you are looking for support to be more accepting of trans children. Confused

KaleSlayer · 29/05/2021 19:20

You said in your first post that you vowed to simplify your life, after what’s happened in your life previously. You feel this relationship will be anything but simple. That sounds like a good reason to end the relationship. You’re allowed to put yourself first.

OhHarry · 29/05/2021 19:22

@YouLookSoCool

Mumsnet is the absolute last place to turn for advice on being understanding and accepting of trans kids. I'd do some research elsewhere.
This.
AfternoonToffee · 29/05/2021 19:39

And yet again no actual advice, as ever the only response is 'mn is mean' If posters are so concerned that the advice is unbalanced offer an alternative view.

Thelnebriati · 29/05/2021 19:44

How are you this stressed when you haven't even met the child? Why wouldn't you be guided by the child's parents? You aren't at the centre of this drama and it isn't about you.

What is about you is your relationship with the new guy, and your relationship with your child. Focus on that.

KaleSlayer · 29/05/2021 19:46

Mumsnet is the absolute last place to turn for advice on being understanding and accepting of trans kids. I'd do some research elsewhere.

Statements like this really annoy me.

Mumsnet will attract mostly women, most will be mothers. Therefore they will be obviously be interested in women’s and children’s rights. I do not feel that accepting children who want to take hormones and change their bodies is a responsible attitude for an adult to take. I see it as not protecting children. I have complete sympathy with children who feel they are trans, but telling them they are is not something I agree with. And trans rights unfortunately stamp all over women’s rights and I will never do that.

Thehawki · 29/05/2021 19:47

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TaraR2020 · 29/05/2021 19:50

@YouLookSoCool

Mumsnet is the absolute last place to turn for advice on being understanding and accepting of trans kids. I'd do some research elsewhere.
Agree, this is wrong place to ask.

But, simply, all you need to focus on is what makes their child feel happy and secure because that is what matters.

Take a look at the AMA board, there was a thread a while back by a mum who's child transitioned.