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Original poster

Help me be more accepting of trans children

86 replies

piddocktrumperiness · 29/05/2021 17:11

I am a huge advocate for LGBTQ, or so I thought, until my new partner's child came out as trans a few months ago. They're getting into lots of trouble at school and the authorities too which complicates things further. I am so angry at myself for thinking of this and finding problems but all I see is problems. I split up from my abusive ExP a few years ago, was loving my simple single life and vowed to simplify my life and not settle.

But I really like this new guy. I worry I'll experience his stresses with him and it's so awful to think of all the problems or challenges that may lay ahead before we even begun this relationship properly. I also start thinking of what my family and friends will think which again is awful because this isn't about me.
I think well I should be focused on the guy, and any issues with his kids are his issues alone, nothing to do with me, but that's not realistic is it?

This teen is going through a mountain of change and needs a good support network. I've not met them yet.

I have a teen too and also wonder what the impact would be on them.

Help me be a better person and debunk any of the worries I may have. I don't want to be ignorant or cruel or bigoted, I want to understand and embrace and accept, but need help and guidance so I can get there.

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 29/05/2021 19:56

OP has no contact with the child. She should be guided by the parents, not randoms online.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/05/2021 20:02

She also shouldn’t be obsessing over this. It shouldn’t be the key consideration when deciding whether or not to pursue this so-far casual relationship.

Nothing should be taking up this amount of energy and angst in the early days of dating. Nothing. It should be fun, shagging, getting to know each other, FUN. Not stress and worry and weird worries about what other totally unconnected people may think.

It’s tiring reading, it must be utterly exhausting living it.

Joeblack066 · 29/05/2021 20:03

@YouLookSoCool

Mumsnet is the absolute last place to turn for advice on being understanding and accepting of trans kids. I'd do some research elsewhere.

I quite agree!

Franklyfrost · 29/05/2021 20:07

*piddocktrumperiness

I'm not sure how I feel about ending a relationship with someone because of something he has literally no control over.

What would I even say?*

Just tell him you’re not comfortable being with someone who has a trans child/ associates with trans people. It would be be unfair to imply it’s his fault and he’ll probably be sad but glad to end the relationship.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2021 20:13

I quite agree!

Lots of agreeing, very little in the way of advice.

FWIW I don't think this is actually about transchildren. I think it's about a survivor of abuse working out boundaries in the new relationship. Something MN excels at.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/05/2021 20:16

Yes OP should be punished for ending a relationship. And as a bonus, she should hurt the bloke on the way out. I hope OP is good at knitting so she can fashion a hair shirt.

Again, anyone can end a relationship for any reason and they don't have to explain.

TheWeeDonkey · 29/05/2021 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheWeeDonkey · 29/05/2021 20:27

FWIW I don't think this is actually about transchildren. I think it's about a survivor of abuse working out boundaries in the new relationship.

Okay while I was farting about trying to think of a reasonable response you sadi what I was thinking in one sentence!

SunnydaleClassProtector99 · 29/05/2021 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

piddocktrumperiness · 29/05/2021 21:22

Thank you everyone for your posts :)

OP posts:

ThursdayWeld · 30/05/2021 09:02

I have a teen too and also wonder what the impact would be on them

In my experience (which is a lot more extensive/personal than nearly all the other posters on this thread) other teens are completely unphased by other teens coming out as trans. DC has exactly the same friendship group as they did before they came out. They all support each other and get on with their lives with no drama.

Adults are far more dramatic about transing. Teens just get on with life. It's not massively unusual these days.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 30/05/2021 09:16

You can accept people for who they are without believing in gender ideology and labels. Clothes, names etc are just window dressing really.

If, for any reason, your child doesn't get on with a partners child, you are allowed to protect them from that.
If you want an uncomplicated life, you are allowed that.

Helmetbymidnight · 30/05/2021 09:24

can you not just keep it casual for a while (certainly until you untangle your feelings)
that is, keep dating, keep going out but keep it separate from family...
thats the fun part anyway...you might feel all kinds of different in a year or so.

jellybeansforbreakfast · 30/05/2021 09:32

As others have said, what he or his kid do isn't really the point, is it?

YOU have good reason to not want to enter into a complicated relationship, and no matter what many will say, a trans teen is a complicated issue and you will find your relationship with him is impacted by that. No good parent could blithely ignore it nor never talk about it to their partner. So you will be involved, if only as a sounding board.

If you don't want that then split up, just tell him that you have decided that you prefer being single, sorry, goodbye.

MrsTP has, as usual, put it far more succinctly.

You can and should put yourself first.

ThursdayWeld · 30/05/2021 10:08

I really do think that he'll be better off without a partner who can only see drama and crisis attached to his teen. Better for all of you all round if you just leave them to it!

VodkaSlimline · 30/05/2021 11:00

There are some resources here: www.transgendertrend.com/resources-for-parents/

PuttingOnTheKitsch · 30/05/2021 11:48

@MrsTerryPratchett

I quite agree!

Lots of agreeing, very little in the way of advice.

FWIW I don't think this is actually about transchildren. I think it's about a survivor of abuse working out boundaries in the new relationship. Something MN excels at.

It's because they aren't posting to give advice but to assert themselves as One of The Good People.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/05/2021 12:03

If that's what you got from the OP you need to have a rethink. Abuse survivors have no need to explain why they are reluctant to take on any relationship stressors.

WoolOfBat · 30/05/2021 12:04

I think some of the posters here are mental.

OP is out of an abusive relationship and needs to focus on getting her own life on track and being their for her own child who no doubt has suffered as well.

She has started to date casually- fab! Then it appears that her casual partner has a teen who is in trouble in school and with the authorities. That is a lot for anyone to take on, let alone someone who is trying to establish boundaries.

And then some posters seem to imply that just because the child is trans, she is a bad person for not taking it on. Trans is neither here nor there. Some are happy, some have serious issues, just like other children. OP, you are entitled to run for the hills. You are not a bad person if you do!

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 30/05/2021 12:25

Back off. His child is not your problem. You are not required to get involved. You do not have to be an advocate for this child or be a significant part of their support network. The important question is not whether you can support the child - that's not your role! - but whether the father has enough spare energy for a worthwhile relationship with you. You need to assess whether this relationship will meet your needs, given the extra demands for time and attention this troubled teen will be making on their father.

I think well I should be focused on the guy, and any issues with his kids are his issues alone, nothing to do with me, but that's not realistic is it?

It should be realistic. But if you are this invested in worrying about the future of a child you haven't even met and worrying about the effect of this child on a relationship that hasn't properly started then you probably shouldn't be with this guy. You need to work on your own boundaries first.

BlackAlys · 30/05/2021 12:37

@YouLookSoCool

Mumsnet is the absolute last place to turn for advice on being understanding and accepting of trans kids. I'd do some research elsewhere.

Care to explain?

Transphobic comments are, quite rightly, reported and removed but I suspect you're talking about the FWR board who are strong advocates of the watch and wait campaign, more psychological support for children, and to hold back on the medicalisation of young immature bodies which will, and this needs to be emphasised, lead them to a lifetime of medical treatment and interventions and a dependence on drugs for life.

But there you go. You can just join the ranks of folk who don't actually read what we are saying. Just saying.

OP - if it's a new relationship, I'd leave him to it.

TheWeeDonkey · 30/05/2021 12:52

@ThursdayWeld

I really do think that he'll be better off without a partner who can only see drama and crisis attached to his teen. Better for all of you all round if you just leave them to it!

No need for the snide comments Thursday.

OP has just come out of and abusive relationship and has hers and her own childs welfare to consider.

Given the circumstances its perfectly normal for her to question her boundaries and there are plenty of threads in MN where women are asking for similar advice.

Aria999 · 30/05/2021 13:40

I guess it depends why you feel them being trans is a problem for you.

A trans person is just a person.

I say this from a highly gender critical position!

TotorosCatBus · 30/05/2021 13:50

Accepting a trans child is not so hard when you think about the pain and unhappiness that they are likely to be experiencing. I am GC but of course can feel sadness for anybody who's unhappy

However based on your history I would end this relationship because your child and you deserve stability and an easier life. Of course you don't know what's around the corner but you can control this and the easier you act the easier it will be. My advice would be the same if his child had another problem like an eating disorder, drugs or bullying.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 30/05/2021 13:51

Don't be so disingenuous. OP has explained her reasons and has no obligation to engage in any relationship she finds too complicated.

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