Friends with pfbs when your dcs are older ...

[Ahnowcomon]

Me and my dh are 36 and have 3 kids, youngest is 3. We had dcs not super young but younger than our friends (we met very young, travelled loads, got degrees, post-grads while having babies so haven't missed out etc).
Anyway now all of our friends are either pregnant with number 1 , thinking about it or a few have their very new (under a year pfb). Thing is , it's always so , so fckn awkward now when we spend time together with our dcs. My dcs are absolutely lovely, very easygoing and very polite , they do have bags of energy but in a normal children way. My friends are at that baby in sling asleep all the time stage and when they call over and see my dcs bouncing around on a trampoline or running around loads like they do or asking me and my dh questions (they aren't very noisy or interfer at all with my friends and their babies ) honestly my friends look a bit horrified , comments like "wow they have so much energy, how do you keep up ? (my dcs are all male and all the babies so far are female , no idea if that has anything to with it). In no way are our dcs unusual, we are actually firm parents and they are very good kids.
They make me feel really self conscious and shit if I'm honest , they are visiting over the summer as we actually live in a nice location and have a holiday-let but feel like I'll have to hide my dcs away or something... they are all at first bump stage or have an immobile babies and can sit around loads etc. Obviously my dcs, particularly my youngest (two older ones 7 and 10 play and do their own thing) who is 3 is going to be wandering around , needing help with things, climbing up stuff as he does. My dh just tells me not to be so self conscious but I am, I can see the looks and stares if my 3 year old is stuck somewhere or running off etc...Like obviously your 4 month old is easy to watch...they can't move.....
There were comments like "so glad our dcs are so chilled and happy to play with a stick or chew on a block" , so were my babies but my 10 year old has moved on i guess.. Comments about my dcs watching cartoons (we won't be letting ours etc, bad for the brain), we limit TV.
I have to point out that all the events, meet-ups etc when we had babies were child-free so me and my dh would make loads of effort to attend weddings and meet ups by ourselves (we have family but they don't do babysitting). I absolutely adore dcs and I get that ppl will say that they had zero interest in other ppls kids pre their own or even now, maybe it's my culture or something but I find that really shit tbh. I take an interest in whats important in anyones life be it career, pets , hobbies , kids etc and when I went to uni my best friend was a single mum and we would meet in the playground for coffee or I would call over to hers in the evening with a bottle of wine as I thought this was normal. They made zero effort to way but now there's no question of them not bringing their dcs. I'm fine about it and totally accommodating.. It's weird though and just a bad atmosphere if I'm totally honest. I get that it's a very special, particular time with your first but I hate ppl that can't see from others perspectives.
Just wondering if ppl have similar experiences and how they handled it?

I think you just have to sort of roll your eyes and jauntily say, oh yes, I remember when they were little and everything was a bit simpler too!

Really they just have no idea yet. But they’ll get to the fighting and not able to stay still, you just want them to watch a bit of tv so they’ll stop constantly talking stage too. By then your older ones will be teenagers and off in the world and you’ll be the one sitting down.

We were also the first of our close friends to have dc by several years. They have all recently had their first and every time we see them tell us they had no idea how hard it was all going to be. Your friends are probably finding it hard too, but sometimes it’s easier to focus on someone else than admit you’re struggling too.

Just laugh to yourself. You know it’s PFBsyndrome and in 5 years wee Persephone will be eating glittery play doh glued to Hey Duggee while trying to break her own neck on a trampoline spaced out her gourd on sugar.

Haha, your responses made me laugh out loud so thanks for that! I think that's what it is, I'm not a bitch or two faced person but when I hear them going on about how their 3 month old is so chilled because" we are chilled" looking pointedly at my highly mobile older dcs I do feel like eye-rolling and saying that they haven't a fckn clue yet tbh.
Actually I'm very happy if they are doing well and in fairness I think the pregnant ladies are basically scared but I'm not remotely negative , when they ask I say I had amazing births, I had good experiences bf but two of my dcs stopped sleeping properly after 6 months so ups and downs. My friends who called over recently looked absolutely exhausted so maybe there is some projection going on...
I just really wish they would tone the amazing parent routine down and the judgemental vibe as its making the situation awkward tbh. In fact I have a much better time with my childfree friends of I'm honest, they are a.lot more tolerant.

You need to grit your teeth and wait until Mother Nature sorts this out

Your friends will learn. Just smile and nod. When their babies are 10 and running riot, yours will be out of your hair!

The answer is to bide your time. Their day will come.

It isn't anything to do with gender of the dc though.

Your day will come. And one day, you’ll have survived the teenage years with your older two before they’ve even started it.

Evil snigger.

Though they’ll get over theirselves by the time they have their second.

I think you need to cut them a bit of slack tbh (even if they didn’t for you). They’re pregnant or with a newborn, it’s a weird time. I’m a very active person happy to run around with dcs now but when my first was a tiny newborn there was nothing more terrifying than a rambunctious and unpredictable preschooler.

Unless you’re a terrible judge of character and all your friends are actually nothing of the sort then I’d assume they are not judging and don’t mean to come across judgy. Let them have their quiet “baby asleep in a sling” moments.

You need some stock answers at the ready so you are not permanently rolling your eyes 👀 I say things like, oh they all go through stages, you just get through one and they start another. About your kids running around playing, they are just playing, not trying to kill each other (with a laugh) and it means they will sleep well later. If they comment about them being boys, I just say its known girls are harder work as teens. Good luck

You just have to go along with it really.
When I was 36 I had a teenager so would have found your toddler annoying for different reasons!
They are your friends so you manage.

@SmednotaSmoo

Your day will come. And one day, you’ll have survived the teenage years with your older two before they’ve even started it.

Evil snigger.

Though they’ll get over theirselves by the time they have their second.

I was just thinking exactly the same thing. When they’re wrangling sulky teenagers you’ll be able to smile serenely and assure them there’s life on the other side.

Actually we are cutting them loads of slack , it's actually quite the reverse.. also I think being a parent is difficult at loads different of stages. They are absolutely being judgy and I have been completely accommodating and lovely to them and their dcs. Anyway I agree , will just continue to keep my mouth shut.. it can be awkward but I can't just hide away my dcs and I won't if they decide to stay with us.

My best friend of 15 years became the most annoying person ever once she had kids. Mine were older and they’re lovely but she was so judgy and honestly awful to be around. We’re no longer friends!

Just smile, nod and say "yes, we thought the same with our first at that age." Patronising, yes, but it'll stop the comments.

you might fall out with them too, but they'll probably come back when baby #2 is destroying their sleep and house

Respond with the patronising head tilt, tinkly laugh and a comment along the lines of 'come back to me in 5 years and see if you still feel the same about XYZ' or 'of course we never put cartoons on when we only had ONE child'.

@FelicityPike that made me laugh. "Spaced off her gourd on sugar" is a brilliant description.

OP you will be able to sit back with a coffee in a couple of years while they chase round after their DC. Look forward to saying "remember those days when they were chilled babies?" and having a little inner giggle.

I remember exactly this with a very lovely friend and her DH. They said nothing but I could feel their horror. I went to see them again a couple of years later (had seen them in between without DC) and their attitude had done a 180 - I hope I wasn’t the same but may have been...if they’re good friends it’ll be worth the wait.

I guess you've had your chance with a pfb, now it's their turn?
They'll be in your shoes soon enough!

If they are long standing friends then they will have tolerated your parenting views and being a pfb for years without judging you. I’d just leave them to it. They aren’t causing any harm and nor are you. It’s not worth losing a friendship over.

Honestly, they do sound a bit awful - by all means they may think these things (for now) but saying them out loud is judgemental and rude.

To be honest I’d be a bit less accommodating. Set up some adults-only catch ups or events and when they swoon at the idea call them out on their hypocrisy - ‘hey, we’ve been getting babysitters for years to go to your things without kids! Your turn now.’

When you have a tiny baby for the first time, the thought of them being a proper ‘child’ is just impossible to fathom. I suspect your friends have aspirations for how they would parent a hypothetical 3/7/10 year old, but in no way does that actually relate to their tiny baby asleep in a sling. My DS is only 1 and I now cringe at how I thought I’d parent when he was say 8 weeks old I’m pretty certain plonking him down in front of Pointless so I could cook tea wasn’t on the list 🙈 Certainly don’t hide your DCs away - they sound like amazing kids, but equally try not to take it to heart. In the thick of it, having a baby feels like the toughest job - your friends have probably realised on seeing your children that the old chestnut of ‘it doesn’t get easy, it just changes’ is true! X

Yes!!! I have friends like that. I don't take it to heart, but just know their day will come.

In that same bracket are people with hands-on family and their pick of babysitters just not grasping the reality that it isn't the case for others.

I think they are being really annoying but as people in a similar boat, it’s also pretty normal stuff for new parents. I try to meet up with new parents without my children because I do want to remain friends and I’m sure that they will come to realise what children are like once their babies get older. We had kids reasonably young and I’ve been through this cycle a few times already with different friends. Just try not to pass comment when their toddlers are all over the shop and yours are peaceably eating dinner

Thanks for replies! I think it's the fact that I know that they'll definitely be in the same situation in realisticlly a good few years and that I feel I have to nod and smile when they come out with their opinions as I don't want to be rude or confrontational. But there genuinely is a slight awkwardness and maybe even distain for our busy family life vs baby in a sling who's not moving that makes me feel defensive. Also for the pp who said they had to put up with our pfb , they absolutely did not, any invite only included our names (not out pfb or other kids) and it was made totally clear it was not child friendly so we never saw tyej with our dcs really and felt we couldn't talk about thek v much either.
They then would also be surprised when only one of is turned up....
But will just try and laugh it off and accept we are at different stages but will have to say something if the "chilled" vs normal mobile dcs comes up again. That word is used quite liberally with them! I do see them as friends but my dcs are awesome and them being older is just the way it is now..