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Original poster

Friends with pfbs when your dcs are older ...

91 replies

Ahnowcomon · 28/05/2021 17:51

Me and my dh are 36 and have 3 kids, youngest is 3. We had dcs not super young but younger than our friends (we met very young, travelled loads, got degrees, post-grads while having babies so haven't missed out etc).
Anyway now all of our friends are either pregnant with number 1 , thinking about it or a few have their very new (under a year pfb). Thing is , it's always so , so fckn awkward now when we spend time together with our dcs. My dcs are absolutely lovely, very easygoing and very polite , they do have bags of energy but in a normal children way. My friends are at that baby in sling asleep all the time stage and when they call over and see my dcs bouncing around on a trampoline or running around loads like they do or asking me and my dh questions (they aren't very noisy or interfer at all with my friends and their babies ) honestly my friends look a bit horrified , comments like "wow they have so much energy, how do you keep up ? (my dcs are all male and all the babies so far are female , no idea if that has anything to with it). In no way are our dcs unusual, we are actually firm parents and they are very good kids.
They make me feel really self conscious and shit if I'm honest , they are visiting over the summer as we actually live in a nice location and have a holiday-let but feel like I'll have to hide my dcs away or something... they are all at first bump stage or have an immobile babies and can sit around loads etc. Obviously my dcs, particularly my youngest (two older ones 7 and 10 play and do their own thing) who is 3 is going to be wandering around , needing help with things, climbing up stuff as he does. My dh just tells me not to be so self conscious but I am, I can see the looks and stares if my 3 year old is stuck somewhere or running off etc...Like obviously your 4 month old is easy to watch...they can't move.....
There were comments like "so glad our dcs are so chilled and happy to play with a stick or chew on a block" , so were my babies but my 10 year old has moved on i guess.. Comments about my dcs watching cartoons (we won't be letting ours etc, bad for the brain), we limit TV.
I have to point out that all the events, meet-ups etc when we had babies were child-free so me and my dh would make loads of effort to attend weddings and meet ups by ourselves (we have family but they don't do babysitting). I absolutely adore dcs and I get that ppl will say that they had zero interest in other ppls kids pre their own or even now, maybe it's my culture or something but I find that really shit tbh. I take an interest in whats important in anyones life be it career, pets , hobbies , kids etc and when I went to uni my best friend was a single mum and we would meet in the playground for coffee or I would call over to hers in the evening with a bottle of wine as I thought this was normal. They made zero effort to way but now there's no question of them not bringing their dcs. I'm fine about it and totally accommodating.. It's weird though and just a bad atmosphere if I'm totally honest. I get that it's a very special, particular time with your first but I hate ppl that can't see from others perspectives.
Just wondering if ppl have similar experiences and how they handled it?

OP posts:

lavenderandwisteria · 29/05/2021 08:30

I think it is really hard being out of sync. The first to have children, or the childless one, or the one with a newborn when everyone else has primary aged children. It’s a bit rubbish but consideration goes a long way.

DuggeeHugPlease · 29/05/2021 08:36

A friend of mine just did a lengthy fb post about all the things she'll never do as a parent - including sugary snacks, screen time and looking at her phone instead of watching her children every second of the day (would be missing making memories apparently)
She has a 3 month old so will be interesting to see how long that lasts!

MildredPuppy · 29/05/2021 08:46

We were first to do the baby thing. Our youngest is about 5 years older than the next baby to turn up.
Some of our friends really threw themselves in to doting aunt and uncle role but others did just look horrified and judge.
The biggest thing i found is we had zero accommodation for the children. We either had to organise child care or be in difficult situations sometimes. But now they all have children theres a lot of 'thats so and so nap time so we need to meet later', 'thats toddler tea time so we have to be back' wheras we did a lot of making tea or naps in the buggy to fit in.

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FluffyPJs · 29/05/2021 08:47

This happened with a good friend - she always used to comment on how boisterous and naughty my son was. He was 4 when I met her, he's now 15. Her own son is now 6 and is ten times as 'boisterous' as my son ever was and she freely admits how rude and annoying she must have been, and she did ask how I stayed friends with her! My teen has the patience of a saint with her son and she praises him so much now. Just bear with it, bite your tongue and they will soon realise that your children are perfectly normal and actually well behaved! In my experience, the parents who say I won't do this, or I won't do that, always end up with the child with the worst behaviour!

ComDummings · 29/05/2021 08:47

It is quite difficult to navigate friendships when your DC are at different stages. I had mine quite a bit younger than my friends and we did cool off a lot - I wasn’t as available as I was before, I had PND after my first and really struggled to socialise etc. So at the time they were annoyed at me I think, they just didn’t understand how difficult it can be at times. They did keep in touch a bit and we would meet up a few times a year though so I cannot fault them. One actually apologised to me for being (in her words) rubbish when while mine were small which was very lovely of her. This was after she had her baby. Now mine are in primary school my friends are all starting to have babies now so I’m trying to be understanding with them. If they make any comments that annoy me I just say ‘every stage is different’ and let it roll off me.
It’s hard to imagine your baby as a full on child when they’re small. Take them to soft play and they’ll see how feral kids of all ages can be

Ambo21 · 29/05/2021 09:08

Lets just wait and see how long it takes for someone to burst.. and plead with you for advice on how to cope with something.. sleepless nights..sore bums...refusal to eat ANYYHING...determination to eat EVERYTHING....temper tantrums....

And you will be on hand with sage advice , given with hardwon wisdom and such dignity...

A useful phrase which covers most situations and eventualities..

THIS TOO WILL PASS..

Big knowing smile.
Be proud of your kids.. and their parents!😊

delilahbucket · 29/05/2021 09:17

Smile and say "you'll learn" and then laugh.

Cornettoninja · 29/05/2021 09:21

Not my proudest moment, but I do remember an instance when someone commented on dd watching minions or something like that with a superior comment about screen time and worthier activities. I pointed out that life is about balance and media commonalities are a really useful tool to build relationships on outside the home instead of being the weirdo who has no clue about popular culture. My four year old may not have spoken french but she could play minions with other kids and knew who Batman was.

Most of what you (OP) describe though is fairly harmless - I suspect a lot of what you’re seeing is the dawning realisation of what they’ve let themselves in for and precisely how little control they have over it if they’ve planned it all out step by step. It’s part of that reality hit of actually having the baby there in front of you. Plus they’re probably still in the stage where you are scrutinising the smallest details for developments etc. and they can’t quite shift out of that mindset. Try not to take that too personally.

TheSockMonster · 29/05/2021 09:21

Ah the halcyon days of early parenthood, when every positive behaviour can be directly attributed to your stella parenting.

I’d go with “oh yes, we did that too, was a very chilled baby and is still so much more chilled than all of his/her peers!”

Works best if said child is chewing the head off a barbie doll as you say this.

Lottielovescake · 29/05/2021 09:24

Not all DC are the same though. Some of theses babies may grow into energetic toddlers, others won’t. I have two preschoolers and honestly they’re both very calm and not at all how you describe yours. I’m sure your DC are perfect, I’m just saying that you can’t say for sure that other people will also have wilful loud children.

Mrsfrumble · 29/05/2021 09:36

@Lottielovescake

DD was a very calm, chilled out toddler and preschooler. She’s a lot more “wilful and loud” now she’s 8. Some children may be saving it until their teens! The point is, it’s best not to be smug until your children reach adulthood (and even then they could do something wretched to show you up, like voting BNP...)

Original poster

Ahnowcomon · 29/05/2021 09:54

I never said my dcs were wilful, they are really well behaved dcs, have never had any issues with them in school etc. Like all dcs they have their moments but actually never in front of other ppl. They are also calm children but also do a lot of exercise as they love it so climbing, jumping, running. They in no way interfered with any of my friends or their dcs and we don't let them roar and scream etc and I have friends with dcs the same age and there behaviour is totally normal.

I think a pp made a great point , they simply aren't used to being around dcs in general so their experience so far is a non -mobile baby who they can still drink tea around and they don't have to get up every five minutes to retrieve a toddler from somewhere.
Tbh I don't have to get up and deal with toddlers either now as my 3 year old is about to turn 4 but I think they just saw a glimpse of their future possibly and it feels too much or something when you have just had a baby. Anyway we are super accommodating, much more than they ever were and I listen and nod and smile etc as for sure they'll be in the same situation in a few years. I was simply commenting that there was subtle judgment and yes I think they sort of have a victorian version of dcs in mind tbh.
It's wonderful but busy and I absolutely loved that cuddly newborn phase particularly with my first as it is a really gentle intro into being a parent but things change which is natural and a good thing. I have lots of friends with dcs similar ages locally but we keep in contact with uni friends too. I'll remember lots of these excellent comments internally so thanks mners!

OP posts:

Original poster

Ahnowcomon · 29/05/2021 09:55

@Mrsfrumble nail on head !

OP posts:

Lottielovescake · 29/05/2021 09:58

I wasn’t trying to say your DC are anything other than “normal” - whatever that is. All of my friends with preschoolers describe theirs as perfectly normal. Some of them are very energetic, others are quiet. Some run around like loons, others are timid and play with toys calmly. Children have their own personalities and that’s perfectly fine. I’m just pointing that out because there’s a lot of people making out that these other parents will be shocked when their babies turn into similar toddlers to yours.. but they won’t necessarily of course.

Lottielovescake · 29/05/2021 09:59

@Mrsfrumble the only person being smug is the OP to be honest.

moofolk · 29/05/2021 10:02

They're scared.

They're looking at their cute wee pfbs thinking they've got parenthood nailed.

Having your first baby seems really really hard at the time. But you don't realise at the time is that babies are really easy to look after.

It's the shock of being in control of your own life to being a parent that's hard.

Inside they kind of know that, and you are a little reminder.

I had three kids before most of my friends had any and we didn't see anyone for years (pfb was under 2 when twins born so it was hectic). Funnily enough, most of our friends stuck with just one child.

Original poster

Ahnowcomon · 29/05/2021 10:09

Haha, ah yea it's fear for sure. Excellent points and glad to hear I'm not alone! Bringing out my smug self for a run with my eldest , I love having a ten year old and aware that in a couple of years he won't want to be seen within within a mile of me..
Different stages but will definitely let it wash over and I'm sure it's not all a breeze for anyone with new babies and pregnancy particularly at this challenging time. Thanks for replies, have actually laughed put loud at many of them.

OP posts:

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 29/05/2021 10:15

I all honesty I'd cancel...... Pfb or not. Nobody should be making you feel uncomfortable in your own home

schofieldsunderpants · 29/05/2021 10:21

I'd just ignore it if you can

I had my children fairly young (now aged 12 and 17) and my brother always had an opinion about their behaviour ( nothing out there, just typical young child stuff!)

He has just announced his partner is pregnant with their first. Oh I can't wait to see how wonderfully well behaved their LO is going to be.. not..

follygirl · 29/05/2021 10:24

We were the first to have children in our families by about 10 years. I remember distinctly that we had no help whatsoever when we had to sit in a restaurant for hours on end and my dh and I had to cope with bored, exhausted toddlers. When their children were born they would hand them to me at the restaurant and say, I'm sure you wouldn't mind helping out....
I'd just hand the kid back and reply, no thanks, been there, done that, I'm trying to enjoy my lunch thanks!

Unfortunately different parenting styles can be the biggest source of contention.

We have some friends who don't believe in mealtimes or bedtimes and that the children do as they want. That's fine for them but I still remember the shock as we sat down to lunch at their house (just the adults) and I mentioned that my kids would want food too. They assumed they'd be happy grazing all day like theirs, even though the parents had normal mealtimes.

user1493494961 · 29/05/2021 10:29

I don't think they're scared, I think they sound very rude, especially as they've been invited to your house.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 29/05/2021 10:41

@Lottielovescake

The OP does not say her children are wilful and loud -they are just normal children (all healthy children should be energetic), and there are three of them, so obviously a contrast to the friends' young babies.

MrsBobDylan · 29/05/2021 10:46

I'm irritated by your friends and I don't even know them! You don't have to stay friends and you sure as hell don't have to host them. Tell them the holiday let fell down.

I have three boys and we are good parents. They are older now and so well behaved. Their teachers tell me they wish they had a whole class full of my kids.

However, I can't hang out with parents who witter on about not letting their child have screen time, ever eat a McDonald's, sugary cereal or drink fizzy drinks. I don't care what they do but I definitely don't want to be forced to commend them on their 'superior' choices.

My kids are happy, well-behaved and slim and they are growing up in a house with cheerful, loving parents. Sorted.

BrilliantBetty · 29/05/2021 11:03

I don't know. They could possibly be feeling a bit out of their depth, it's a strange stage. Only just joining 'parenthood'.

But also I have found it hard to stay friends with friends who have DC of v different ages to my own. Priorities are different, schedules are different, expectations etc...? It just doesn't work well (for me).

foxyroxyyy · 29/05/2021 11:18

@MobyDicksTinyCanoe

I all honesty I'd cancel...... Pfb or not. Nobody should be making you feel uncomfortable in your own home

This!!!!!

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