Friends with pfbs when your dcs are older ...

[Ahnowcomon]

Me and my dh are 36 and have 3 kids, youngest is 3. We had dcs not super young but younger than our friends (we met very young, travelled loads, got degrees, post-grads while having babies so haven't missed out etc).
Anyway now all of our friends are either pregnant with number 1 , thinking about it or a few have their very new (under a year pfb). Thing is , it's always so , so fckn awkward now when we spend time together with our dcs. My dcs are absolutely lovely, very easygoing and very polite , they do have bags of energy but in a normal children way. My friends are at that baby in sling asleep all the time stage and when they call over and see my dcs bouncing around on a trampoline or running around loads like they do or asking me and my dh questions (they aren't very noisy or interfer at all with my friends and their babies ) honestly my friends look a bit horrified , comments like "wow they have so much energy, how do you keep up ? (my dcs are all male and all the babies so far are female , no idea if that has anything to with it). In no way are our dcs unusual, we are actually firm parents and they are very good kids.
They make me feel really self conscious and shit if I'm honest , they are visiting over the summer as we actually live in a nice location and have a holiday-let but feel like I'll have to hide my dcs away or something... they are all at first bump stage or have an immobile babies and can sit around loads etc. Obviously my dcs, particularly my youngest (two older ones 7 and 10 play and do their own thing) who is 3 is going to be wandering around , needing help with things, climbing up stuff as he does. My dh just tells me not to be so self conscious but I am, I can see the looks and stares if my 3 year old is stuck somewhere or running off etc...Like obviously your 4 month old is easy to watch...they can't move.....
There were comments like "so glad our dcs are so chilled and happy to play with a stick or chew on a block" , so were my babies but my 10 year old has moved on i guess.. Comments about my dcs watching cartoons (we won't be letting ours etc, bad for the brain), we limit TV.
I have to point out that all the events, meet-ups etc when we had babies were child-free so me and my dh would make loads of effort to attend weddings and meet ups by ourselves (we have family but they don't do babysitting). I absolutely adore dcs and I get that ppl will say that they had zero interest in other ppls kids pre their own or even now, maybe it's my culture or something but I find that really shit tbh. I take an interest in whats important in anyones life be it career, pets , hobbies , kids etc and when I went to uni my best friend was a single mum and we would meet in the playground for coffee or I would call over to hers in the evening with a bottle of wine as I thought this was normal. They made zero effort to way but now there's no question of them not bringing their dcs. I'm fine about it and totally accommodating.. It's weird though and just a bad atmosphere if I'm totally honest. I get that it's a very special, particular time with your first but I hate ppl that can't see from others perspectives.
Just wondering if ppl have similar experiences and how they handled it?

when my first was a tiny newborn there was nothing more terrifying than a rambunctious and unpredictable preschooler

It's a good point, I remember going somewhere with ds when he was about 2 or 3 and all these older kids were running around in a playground and he seemed so tiny next to them.

But just smile and secretly roll your eyes when they say silly things like not allowing cartoons ;)

I would mentally prepare the smug comments you'll be making while you're children are quietly reading a magazine in a restaurant and their toddlers are tantruming because their fish fingers are touching their pees.

Well, it’s what happens when you’re the outliers in a friendship group and have your children significantly earlier than the others. They probably found you equally irritating when you were a new parent and they didn’t have children, even if they weren’t around your babies. People are mostly focused on what’s going on in their own lives, and what affects them. You think your kids are delightful and normally energetic, they think your kids are gigantic baby sleep-disturbers. No one is wrong.

I remember going to stay with my brother and SIL when my nephews were 3 and 6 months, and DH and I were TTC our first. Thankfully I kept my mouth shut, but at the start of the week I remember inwardly disapproving of the 3 yo eating McDonalds and watching lots of TV, and the baby sleeping in his parents bed. By the end of the week I completely understood that my SILs sanity was at stake. Sure enough, we did all the same things with ours, and I’m really glad to have DB and SIL as trailblazers, showing us how it’s done!

Dd2's year group parents are all older (not sure if that's significant) pfb parents. Tbh despite being friendly in nursery times I've distanced myself more and more through the nearly 3 years of primary. It's intense and a little embarrassing at times. I feel sorry for the school staff 😆

Forgot to say - the year group what's app is amusing and cringe inducing in equal measures

Just keep thinking to yourself when they are going through the stage you are at now you will be long past it. You can feel smug when they have 3/4 year olds terrors. You may even want to remind them of their judgemental comments they made towards you as well.

My DGD is a PFB, and I know my DD was very concerned about her watching TV or playing with phone etc when she was tiny - it was all books & naice music then
She’s nearly 2 now & very rambunctious, and DD is delighted to let cartoons babysit her!
(Sick child not at nursery while parents WFH brings those barriers down faster than anything else)
Don’t take it to heart, OP. Their time will come & they will cringe with hindsight.

My 4 year old is really hard work and a few relatives who we only really spend time with at Christmas have made snide comments about her. One has a 1 year old and another has just had a newborn so I'm looking forward to a time when mine is older and hopefully calmer and I can't sit back and smugly watch them go through what I do. Last Xmas they all went on and on about how well behaved and happy the baby was while side eyeing my toddler . Well yeah, when mine was a baby she was the happiest, most content thing in the world but that all changed and I can't help but secretly hope it's the same for them.

The babies asleep in slings might turn out to be very motivated energetic early movers (think rolling across rooms at 5 months, crawling at 6, climbing at 7) and then they'll soon find how content their babies are to just sit and play with a block. Hehe

I think i'd have to say something actually - they sound a bit mean, in fact, if they've excluded your children when they had none of their own and now are judging them and you because theirs are still immobile.

I'd do a group text before summer, saying you've ummed and ahhed about saying anything because you're so looking forward to seeing them all over summer - but at the same time you're feeling a bit sad and apprehensive because you feel that your children, whom you love as much as they do theirs, annoy them somewhat, and that they think you're somehow at fault. You totally understand how this happens - it's nature's trick when you have a newborn to make it nigh on impossible to imagine that the tiny quiet thing will, almost inevitably, become a much more demanding and boisterous toddler/ tween. But honestly, yours are all within normal tolerance. You love your friends, and their babies by extension. They deffo don't have to love your big lumps, can feel free to be horrified by them by all means, but could they possibly keep it inside their heads rather than saying it out loud this summer as I love the lumps very much indeed.

Just sit and bide your time
I have friends who would talk to me like i didnt have any idea how to raise a child when they had their PFB ( I had a 4 yr old and 2 yr old at that point)
All sorts of "advice" on routines, managing tantrums, etc etc
i just smiled, nodded and waited for them to get over themselves and see sense

They did eventually when their 2nd was born

As soon as age appropriate slip their dc's Skittles on the sly...

The thing is, they sound pretty self-centred. I don't think they're going to have a satisfying Damascene moment and tell the OP what idiots they were and how sorry they are that they were so mean. I think they need it pointing out, the mean little shits.

And if they can't handle it, then they'll have shown that they're not really friends worth treasuring.

But I do have a bit of a 'God's agent of justice on this earth' thing going on and it doesn't always do me any favours .

With my friends I would be giving a knowing laugh and reminding everyone how chilled out DD2 was as a baby (so chilled I was able to paint and second fix our new extension whilst she watched, slept, and gurgled from her bouncy chair. I even fitted our new kitchen when she was 4mo). She's 4yo now and frickin' nuts: ball of energy, in your face, and LOUD. DD1 was a high needs baby, and is now the chilled sensible one. "But yeah, like you say, they may just be chilled because you are.... Some do stay chilled..."

A lot of these answers are spot on tbh. Yes, we managed to do an refurbishment a house when we had a immobile baby, could barely wash the dishes once they were on the move Yes, it's the "side-eye like a pp said that I notice too but hey-ho we now get to sleep all night and don't have to think about when we have to ttc again !

Op just to say you sound lovely and your dc too!

Thanks @tobee ! My dcs are great and actually very easygoing and happy to do their own playing etc when ppl are about but they are normal kids and there are 3 of them so it is definitely a bit more full on than one immobile baby or bump!
I'll just not focus on it and try not to let it get to me. We enjoy having ppl around and I guess because these particular group of friends now have kids they are now happy to spend time with us and our dcs whereas before it was very much events that either I or my dh would go to alone. I might just have other dcs around when they are here like my friends from my area with dcs the same age as mine, will up the noise level but also show mine are perfectly normal

The fact that's it's all your friends means that either your kids are less well bagged than you think or you are being oversensitive and they probably aren't giving it a second thought

We had our kids first too. You laugh condescending and say "oh yes we were exactly like you at this stage" roll eyes and move on. Pity them OP, they'll be cringing to their socks before you know it.

This is why I find I gravitate to friends at the same stage. There are so many people in the world although it is of course lovely to cling onto old friendships from school etc what you practically need is local mates with kids the same age. Far much more fun and easy.

Even dh university friends who are lovely but all their kids just that bit younger than ours and some are wide eyed at how “grown up” our eldest is and surprised she doesn’t want to go to family meet ups. There’s a big gap between 10 and 14...

My eldest has a range of developmental issues.

I recall when he was 5, he had a meltdown in the street. My DH's best friend looked and him and commented in some horror 'My DS would never behave like that'.

We pointed out his DS was 3 months old. His response was 'Yes, but we are a 'take no shit' family''.

At which I had a meltdown screaming shit fit in the street at him.

7 years later it is fair to say that DH's friend understands a little better. His child of course would never ever be a fussy eater. Cue 3 years later him refusing to eat a plain cheese pizza in a restaurant and his mother putting her head on the restaurant table and just gently sobbing for the entire meal.

In short. Eventually parenting can be shit for everyone. Even the smug.

I would just laugh and say "ah just you wait. Enjoy the peace while it lasts".

I would maybe point out that you'd be a bit worried if your 3+ year olds were still sitting gurgling on a mat. Honestly have they never seen kids before? Invite them to a date at the local soft play on a Saturday afternoon and then they will see what the full range of behaviour is like.