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Original poster

Why are they obsessed they don't know her!?

79 replies

BrokenNotDead · 28/05/2021 03:48

Backstory, my Mum left me with my Dad when I was young, she went to work 1 day and phoned him to say she wasn't coming home anymore(!)
I can count on 1 hand the amount of times I have seen her since (including the day I was getting evicted (my Dad's older kids sold the house I was living in while I was doing my G.C.S.E's) to rummage through things to see what she could take). She has seen my DS (9) 3 times (3 months, 4 years and 7. When my DD1 was born the day before my nieces birthday, my sister looked after him, she told me 2 years later and at my niece's birthday party, that time I was there) and my DD's (5 and very nearly 4) twice (once for 5 minutes as an unexpected visit, I didn't even know she knew where I lived and at the party mentioned above).

My daughters are obsessed with their Nan Nan, absolutely everything we do together, they say they have done with their Nan, every present they get for Birthday's and Christmas they already have 1 but better at their Nan Nan's house ( who apparently lives at the bottom of our road Hmm )

I try my hardest with my kids but I never learned how to be a Mum (well apart from abandoning them) yet I'm constantly being told how 'Nan Nan does this better than you' when they don't even know what a let down she actually is!

I've tried getting her to be part of their lives as she is the only grandparent they have ( against my better judgement but out of desperation) but she obviously doesn't care, she never messages me to ask how they are, how DD1 enjoyed her 1st day of school, she just sends me links to things she has already shared on her Facebook page.

I have to stop myself from telling my kids that their Nan Nan doesn't piss glitter and fart rainbows that she will put anything else before you because you are my kids (she had my now 18 DN for the full 6 weeks holidays when he was 15 as my sister couldn't handle him). That if it wasn't for their auntie she wouldn't even know that they exist!

It upsets me and makes me feel like I'm Failing as a parent because a woman who abandoned me, who sent me on a 5 hour flight alone at 10 years old because I was in the way, a woman who doesn't even know their last name! seems to do everything better than me even though she doesn't give a shit.

I don't really know why I posted, I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
AngelDelightUk · 28/05/2021 03:52

Hugs. She sounds a nightmare, although your sister hasn’t helped matters. Do your DC see much of her?

goshthatsawful · 28/05/2021 03:53

I know this is in chat but wow YABU

BootsScootsAndToots · 28/05/2021 04:01

@goshthatsawful

I know this is in chat but wow YABU
Really?! She's being unreasonable Confused

Your DC are old enough to sit them down and tell them just what a shit DM she was and explain how this makes you feel.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Original poster
BrokenNotDead · 28/05/2021 04:01

@AngelDelightUk

Hugs. She sounds a nightmare, although your sister hasn’t helped matters. Do your DC see much of her?
Nope, she knocks and runs when posting birthday cardsSad
OP posts:
StartupRepair · 28/05/2021 04:03

Your anger is (rightly) caused by your mum. Don't direct it at your dc.

goshthatsawful · 28/05/2021 04:05

@StartupRepair

Your anger is (rightly) caused by your mum. Don't direct it at your dc.
this
Original poster
BrokenNotDead · 28/05/2021 04:07

I have explained to my eldest, but at just turned 5 and nearly 4 they think a horrible mum is someone who doesn't buy them sweets everyday 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
BrokenNotDead · 28/05/2021 04:07

My youngest 2 👆

OP posts:
Eviebeans · 28/05/2021 04:09

Could it be that they know other children who have nans who are more like what they describe so they are creating their own fantasy nan nan...
I think they are probably a bit young to know the full on truth just yet - reality can be an absolute bitch

Original poster
BrokenNotDead · 28/05/2021 04:10

@startupRepair I would NEVER direct my anger at them, I happily play along in the 'Oh wow! Does she?/Has she? Kind of way. I wish I could transform her into the woman they imagine her to be.

OP posts:
StartupRepair · 28/05/2021 04:13

Well done for playing along. That must be hard. There is clearly a lot of hurt and anger in your post which is understandable.

Harriedharriet · 28/05/2021 04:23

Try to hold your feelings about the real situation seperate from their expressions regarding their fantasy grandmother.
She dealt you a brutal hand in life, and continues it by constantly failing you.
Try to bring all of your focus away from her, and concentrate on what you are doing - being a mother, something your own failed at.
You are a huge success compared to her.
Hold your chin up and keep going!
You are breaking the chain and giving your children a wonderful gift of being loved.

goshthatsawful · 28/05/2021 04:37

@BrokenNotDead

I have explained to my eldest, but at just turned 5 and nearly 4 they think a horrible mum is someone who doesn't buy them sweets everyday 🙄
5 is FAR too young to be hearing about your neglectful mother. She’s your child, not your therapist
BigHeadBertha · 28/05/2021 04:42

Your kids are too little to even know what they're saying but if they get attention from you for it, they'll keep it up. I'd just calmly ignore it and they'll probably soon move on from it.

Sometimesfraught82 · 28/05/2021 05:45

How often do your children actually see their grandmother

ChocOrange1 · 28/05/2021 05:58

@Eviebeans

Could it be that they know other children who have nans who are more like what they describe so they are creating their own fantasy nan nan... I think they are probably a bit young to know the full on truth just yet - reality can be an absolute bitch
I thought this too. They are making up stuff about their Nan like they've been on days out, or she lives up the road, when she doesn't. I think they're talking about a made up fantasy Nan, based on what friends say or grandparents from TV programmes (who are always perfect). I think a child would do this if they didn't have any grandparents.

However I can see that it is upsetting because they do have a grandparent and she is not how they describe. How long have they been doing this for?

ChocOrange1 · 28/05/2021 05:59

@Sometimesfraught82

How often do your children actually see their grandmother
It says in the OP that they have mer her twice.
Sometimesfraught82 · 28/05/2021 06:00

* My mum abandoned me when I was 10 now she's trying to force a relationship with me and my kids (they don't know who she is, yet she says she's an amazing gm) I feel happy that I have the power to control it now*

Oddly enough op I remember you from another post.

You posted this?

Faultymain5 · 28/05/2021 06:07

@Sometimesfraught82

* My mum abandoned me when I was 10 now she's trying to force a relationship with me and my kids (they don't know who she is, yet she says she's an amazing gm) I feel happy that I have the power to control it now*

Oddly enough op I remember you from another post.

You posted this?

And?
Seesawmummadaw · 28/05/2021 06:08

My ‘mother’ is similar although as my dc have become older they’ve seen for themselves what she’s like. I tried to protect them from the disappointment without telling them my view on her.
They’ll see. Until then just bite your tongue.

ChocOrange1 · 28/05/2021 06:14

@Sometimesfraught82

* My mum abandoned me when I was 10 now she's trying to force a relationship with me and my kids (they don't know who she is, yet she says she's an amazing gm) I feel happy that I have the power to control it now*

Oddly enough op I remember you from another post.

You posted this?

Hey there Sherlock! Not sure what is relevant the fact the OP has talked about her mother before?
InvincibleInvisibility · 28/05/2021 06:18

From my experience, DC seem to have this idea that family members are all wonderful and they love them to bits.

It always surprises me how often my DC say they love their cousin/uncle/aunt when they barely see them once a year (at most) and the interactions are almost inexistant.

I agree with PP that your DC are probably creating an idea that their GM is wonderful. Possibly also to overcompensate for the fact that she barely pays them any attention?

MsTSwift · 28/05/2021 06:20

My sister had an imaginary far superior mother at about this age who she kept threatening to go and live with whenever our own (absolutely lovely and fab) mother did not come up to scratch in her 4 year old view.

sunlight81 · 28/05/2021 06:21

If they have only met her twice sounds like the "Nan Nan" in their head is make believe - think of it like u would an invisible friend or a fairy god mother than ur actual real mum. As all imaginative people, they disappear as time passes, hope this does too

Sometimesfraught82 · 28/05/2021 06:21

In that post she says her mother is trying to force a relationship

In this post her mother doesn’t want anything to do with them