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Original poster

Why are they obsessed they don't know her!?

79 replies

BrokenNotDead · 28/05/2021 03:48

Backstory, my Mum left me with my Dad when I was young, she went to work 1 day and phoned him to say she wasn't coming home anymore(!)
I can count on 1 hand the amount of times I have seen her since (including the day I was getting evicted (my Dad's older kids sold the house I was living in while I was doing my G.C.S.E's) to rummage through things to see what she could take). She has seen my DS (9) 3 times (3 months, 4 years and 7. When my DD1 was born the day before my nieces birthday, my sister looked after him, she told me 2 years later and at my niece's birthday party, that time I was there) and my DD's (5 and very nearly 4) twice (once for 5 minutes as an unexpected visit, I didn't even know she knew where I lived and at the party mentioned above).

My daughters are obsessed with their Nan Nan, absolutely everything we do together, they say they have done with their Nan, every present they get for Birthday's and Christmas they already have 1 but better at their Nan Nan's house ( who apparently lives at the bottom of our road )

I try my hardest with my kids but I never learned how to be a Mum (well apart from abandoning them) yet I'm constantly being told how 'Nan Nan does this better than you' when they don't even know what a let down she actually is!

I've tried getting her to be part of their lives as she is the only grandparent they have ( against my better judgement but out of desperation) but she obviously doesn't care, she never messages me to ask how they are, how DD1 enjoyed her 1st day of school, she just sends me links to things she has already shared on her Facebook page.

I have to stop myself from telling my kids that their Nan Nan doesn't piss glitter and fart rainbows that she will put anything else before you because you are my kids (she had my now 18 DN for the full 6 weeks holidays when he was 15 as my sister couldn't handle him). That if it wasn't for their auntie she wouldn't even know that they exist!

It upsets me and makes me feel like I'm Failing as a parent because a woman who abandoned me, who sent me on a 5 hour flight alone at 10 years old because I was in the way, a woman who doesn't even know their last name! seems to do everything better than me even though she doesn't give a shit.

I don't really know why I posted, I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:

Confusedandshaken · 28/05/2021 09:54

You are doing really well trying to protect your D.C. from the truth about their grandmother. They are lucky to have you.

Of course they don't appreciate you at the moment. They are lucky enough to have a loving, present, caring mum who is always there for them. That means they have absolute security and the luxury of being able to take you for granted because they know you will never, ever walk away from them. When they are older they will gradually see the truth for themselves and will appreciate who you are and what you do for them. And hopefully they will take what you've showed them and become great parents themselves.

gahhhh · 28/05/2021 09:56

@PaperbackRider

Your children have met your mother twice but constantly talk about how they have done stuff with her that they haven't? That's not normal. Why not just tell them its not nice to make things up, and we don't tell lies?

It is more likely to be that the dc are fantasising about the situation they want.

It is normal for a child to do that, but it is an indication that they need more than distraction to deal with it, I think.

Faultymain5 · 28/05/2021 09:59

@Sometimesfraught82

In that post she says her mother is trying to force a relationship

In this post her mother doesn’t want anything to do with them

And? what are you trying to get at it is not clear.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Sometimesfraught82 · 28/05/2021 10:07

In this thread the Nan has no interest in the children whatsoever

On a previous thread the OP says her mother is trying to force a relationship with the children

sonjadog · 28/05/2021 10:21

Sometimes people change details when posting online so they aren't instantly recognizable. So her stories don't exactly match? So what? Digging up poster's past history and posting it like some "expose" is a bit of a dick move.

Faultymain5 · 28/05/2021 10:21

OP unless youre the kind of person that tells your child that there is no Father Christmas, explaining Nan Nan is horrible is probably not for the best. For as long as I can remember my dad would tell us all the horrible things his mother and step dad did (you know the people we had to visit every boxing day until they retired abroad). Whne they were dying, he was the one cooking their food and cleaning their arses.

My sisters and I (as adults) couldn't understand it. I blame it on him being from a different generation. But I'm the type of person if you do me wrong you are dead to me. From your descriptoin, for me Nan Nan wouldn't exist and any family member (obviously not yoru DC) that tried to encourage a relationship would feel my wrath.

As for your DC, I wish you luck it's tricky. Smiling and nodding and changing the subject is all I can offer.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 28/05/2021 10:22

Your kids are creating an imaginary wonderful grandma because they wish they had one. It's a fantasy, and deep down they know it is.

They will hear other kids at school/nursery talk about seeing their grandparents, being bought gifts by grandparents, holidays and trips with grandparents, and they just wish they had that too.

You are the one who is there for them, and in the long run that is what they will value and treasure. That doesn't make it easy when you hear them praising their 'nan-nan', but at least it's understandable.

Sometimesfraught82 · 28/05/2021 10:23

@sonjadog

To ask a question.

No abuse
No name calling
Just a question

But any proving whatsoever is frowned on it would seem

Clarice99 · 28/05/2021 10:24

@Bugalugg

Come to the statelyhomes thread on relationships board for empathy and advice....some of the responses on here are shocking. Also

I agree, the relationships board would be a much better place for you to post about your 'mother' OP.

This sounds like a very painful situation for you.

stripeyflowers · 28/05/2021 10:24

@Sometimesfraught82

In this thread the Nan has no interest in the children whatsoever

On a previous thread the OP says her mother is trying to force a relationship with the children

Such is life!

Sometimesfraught82 · 28/05/2021 10:25

Probing

ForwardRanger · 28/05/2021 10:26

I just think you sound extremely sad and hurt and that you need help with managing such strong feelings especially when you are also having to provide security, something you haven't experienced, for your own children.

Professional help ie. therapy
Parenting courses, take whatever is on offer, it'll give you so much more confidence.
Your kids are not your rehab. You may not have experienced security and comfort but your children's story can be different. Protect them from the sadness and confusion of abandonment, it shouldn't even be in their frame of reference. Keep it simple. Remind them how you love there and always will.

Frazzledbutcalm · 28/05/2021 10:27

I really don’t understand the opening post at all.

From deciphering what I think is happening/happened, I would say stop torturing yourself, build a happy life and relationship with you and your daughters .... forget your mum and your sister.

Faultymain5 · 28/05/2021 10:28

@Sometimesfraught82

In this thread the Nan has no interest in the children whatsoever

On a previous thread the OP says her mother is trying to force a relationship with the children

Actually the two things can be true. Unless she posted within two weeks of each other. There is nothing to see here. But if you think there is report, report, report, rather than these cryptic not saying anything posts.

BrownEyedGirl80 · 28/05/2021 10:39

Are you sure they've only met her a couple of times? Could she be seeing them more regularly in secret via your sister?

bigbaggyeyes · 28/05/2021 10:47

I have an adopted dd, she was removed at birth and she's seen her biological parents under 10 times, this was when she a baby.

She makes up all sorts of stories about spending time with X and X (she calls them by their names). She'll tell me all the things she has done with them, when she used to live with them (she never has). It can be soul destroying, but it just proves that she feels safe with me. She's making up stories so she's the same as 'everyone else)

Your dc are probably aware that their friends and other families have a structure. Parents, grand parents, cousins etc, and because part of that structure is missing (your dm), they are simply filling in the gaps themselves. Try to just smile and nod, they will stop this after a while.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 28/05/2021 11:19

Why not just tell them its not nice to make things up, and we don't tell lies?

Fantasy play and making up stories is natural for kids; it's actually part of healthy development and helps them to make sense of the world. Accusing them of 'telling lies' would be a dreadful way to deal with what is actually very normal behaviour.

I agree with others that maybe reframing 'nan-nan' as a different kind of fantasy figure could help. Not a grandmother, but maybe a lovely old woman that they can make up stories about and have pretend adventures with?

gahhhh · 28/05/2021 14:42

@Sometimesfraught82

In this thread the Nan has no interest in the children whatsoever

On a previous thread the OP says her mother is trying to force a relationship with the children

I don't know about the OP, but many abusive parents do this. They have no genuine interest, but they try to force a relationship. It is like an abusive partner having no genuine interest in his partner but not allowing them to leave, or after separation using dc as pawns.

gahhhh · 28/05/2021 14:48

@bigbaggyeyes

I have an adopted dd, she was removed at birth and she's seen her biological parents under 10 times, this was when she a baby.

@bigbaggyeyes adopted children do not simply fill in gaps and if they stop after a while it is probably because you were not validating their feelings and helping them understand their situation. I wouldn't advise smiling and nodding, because if you do not help the child understand their real situation and real "birth" family and come to terms with it, they will end up dealing with the losses and the confusion on their own and where they cannot, this might be where MH problems might start. It might be worth looking into some professional therapeutic life story work for her.

gahhhh · 28/05/2021 15:19

OP just in case this helps, I have been through something similar - a lot of messing around and gameplaying by my dm, passive aggressive presents. When my eldest was 6 there was a granny grandad day at their primary school and she got really upset and asked why her grandparent didn't behave in the same way as the others. I talked to her, and there were tears and i comforted her and there has been more talking over the years, and she has a child appropriate awareness of what happened to me as a child. Over the years there has been a lot of dry humour about it too. There is still sometimes sadness, like when they read a book about someone with grandparents. I do not know for sure if what I have done was the right thing, but I think so, because dc can talk about it, and get sad but then get cheered up. I don't think that that would have happened if I had gone down the fantasy or "smile and nod" route but I don't know for sure.

BootsScootsAndToots · 29/05/2021 01:47

@BrokenNotDead

I have explained to my eldest, but at just turned 5 and nearly 4 they think a horrible mum is someone who doesn't buy them sweets everyday 🙄

Sorry I'm not sure how, but I thought I read your DC had DC so we're old enough to know.

Yes that's too young to tell them the truth.

Original poster

BrokenNotDead · 30/05/2021 23:45

WOW! a lot more replies than I anticipated, Firstly let me apologise, I was in the 1st 24 hours of what ended up being 78 hours of single digit hours sleep. Poorly children, misread emails that meant zoom meeting were 3 A.M not midday and a rave at a farm that kept 90% of the area awake!

I know that the posters who mentioned that other children at school talk about staying at 'Nanny's house' is a huge influence which is why I play along but also explained to staff that they don't have contact with their grandparent so they are aware and don't push the subject.

OP posts:

Original poster

BrokenNotDead · 30/05/2021 23:50

@Sometimesfraught82

* My mum abandoned me when I was 10 now she's trying to force a relationship with me and my kids (they don't know who she is, yet she says she's an amazing gm) I feel happy that I have the power to control it now*

Oddly enough op I remember you from another post.

You posted this?

I can't remember when I posted this, was it around Christmas time? If so I was referencing her asking for my bank details so she could 'give you £20 to buy myself and the kids something that we all think of her whenever we see or use it and i'll chuck you a tenner for your birthday if you do it' Her offer was declined money doesn't buy love nor presence.

OP posts:

Original poster

BrokenNotDead · 30/05/2021 23:55

@SD1978

How would they even know who this woman is, with a full stop meeting time of less that 10minutes? I don't get where they are getting 'nan nan' comments from, u less other family members are talking about your mother. In which case tell them to stop.

Both of my DH have passed away as has my DF so we talk about them, which is how she came up. They understand that people have 2 parents, that's how they were made (luckily no further questions). They know that Mummy's Daddy lives in the ground and that Daddy's Mummy and Daddy live there too but not in the same place like they have their own 'houses'

OP posts:

Original poster

BrokenNotDead · 30/05/2021 23:56

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

How do they even remember her?

Please see my previous post.

OP posts:

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