Why are they obsessed they don't know her!?

[BrokenNotDead]

Backstory, my Mum left me with my Dad when I was young, she went to work 1 day and phoned him to say she wasn't coming home anymore(!)
I can count on 1 hand the amount of times I have seen her since (including the day I was getting evicted (my Dad's older kids sold the house I was living in while I was doing my G.C.S.E's) to rummage through things to see what she could take). She has seen my DS (9) 3 times (3 months, 4 years and 7. When my DD1 was born the day before my nieces birthday, my sister looked after him, she told me 2 years later and at my niece's birthday party, that time I was there) and my DD's (5 and very nearly 4) twice (once for 5 minutes as an unexpected visit, I didn't even know she knew where I lived and at the party mentioned above).

My daughters are obsessed with their Nan Nan, absolutely everything we do together, they say they have done with their Nan, every present they get for Birthday's and Christmas they already have 1 but better at their Nan Nan's house ( who apparently lives at the bottom of our road )

I try my hardest with my kids but I never learned how to be a Mum (well apart from abandoning them) yet I'm constantly being told how 'Nan Nan does this better than you' when they don't even know what a let down she actually is!

I've tried getting her to be part of their lives as she is the only grandparent they have ( against my better judgement but out of desperation) but she obviously doesn't care, she never messages me to ask how they are, how DD1 enjoyed her 1st day of school, she just sends me links to things she has already shared on her Facebook page.

I have to stop myself from telling my kids that their Nan Nan doesn't piss glitter and fart rainbows that she will put anything else before you because you are my kids (she had my now 18 DN for the full 6 weeks holidays when he was 15 as my sister couldn't handle him). That if it wasn't for their auntie she wouldn't even know that they exist!

It upsets me and makes me feel like I'm Failing as a parent because a woman who abandoned me, who sent me on a 5 hour flight alone at 10 years old because I was in the way, a woman who doesn't even know their last name! seems to do everything better than me even though she doesn't give a shit.

I don't really know why I posted, I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

@gahhhh

5 is FAR too young to be hearing about your neglectful mother. She’s your child, not your therapist I would say something slightly different here. OP I think that your dc are also being failed by your DM, and they may already be aware that they are not getting the love some children get from their grandparents. I think you need to try to work out how to be honest about your DM to your DC in child appropriate ways, so that you can comfort them when the time comes. Because basically you are saying

"I am sorry that DM will not be the grandparent to you that you deserve, this is not because of anything you or I did, it is because [and try to explain - why did she act as she did - did she walk out because she herself wasnt' parented well?] I can't change this for you, but I can make it better"

You can make it better by talking about it, listening to them, supporting them.

This is going to be an ongoing dialogue probably over the years. And as they get older you will be able to explain about relationships and what makes a good parent in your eyes and so on.

I think that they need comfort now and some forewarning of what is to come. When do you tell them that she walked out? Well, I guess you don't want them to be afraid you will walk out - but at some point it will come up and it will be important to tell them the truth in child appropriate ways.

My eldest already knows in a child appropriate way how she failed and how I will always try my hardest to be everything he needs me to be but I cannot and will not replace her. I explain to him how just as much as he is learning who he is I am learning to parent that person.

I will explain to the girls when I see they are mature enough to fully understand what happened and how absolutely none of the things that don't happen/we aren't invited too/birthday's forgotten is their fault,as I have done my son and that sometimes adults make mistakes and don't try to fix things.

@getsomehelp

You do know that not everyone has fairy tale Mum/Nan right ? Sorry to be harsh, you were treated terribly by this woman. But in your shoes I would go as low contact as possible with your sister, & N/C with your mother. They bring no happiness. Aren't there any Mother in laws for any of these kids? someone they could make a real healthy relationship with ?

Unfortunately no female In-laws, Mother in law passed away before the eldest was born and father in law when he was 2 so he has no memory of him. DH is from an all boy family who are all single.

I am already V low contact with my sister because she was the 1 who told M that I was expecting all 3 times and told her my address, hence her knock post and run with birthday cards.

It does sound very like a fantasy GP. DDad died before DS was born. FIL was always an interested GP but he was in his 80s and clearly not exciting enough for DS. So for several years we heard about 'my other Grandpa' who lived in Bristol and was an amazing superhero type character, they went to so many exciting places and did really exciting things like flying and saving1. It was so cute but we didn't have your history so were quite relaxed about it.

@BrownEyedGirl80

Are you sure they've only met her a couple of times? Could she be seeing them more regularly in secret via your sister?

Extremely doubtful as my sister has only looked after the once (as a birthday present) and brought them back an hour later crying saying I don't know how you cope! They're not naughty, the youngest kept talking to her dogs (she doesn't like people and prefers animals, it's something were watching), the middle 1 wanted to play with her female cousin who was... less than accommodating and the eldest said he didn't like her house, which is why she was crying