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Original poster

Why are they obsessed they don't know her!?

79 replies

BrokenNotDead · 28/05/2021 03:48

Backstory, my Mum left me with my Dad when I was young, she went to work 1 day and phoned him to say she wasn't coming home anymore(!)
I can count on 1 hand the amount of times I have seen her since (including the day I was getting evicted (my Dad's older kids sold the house I was living in while I was doing my G.C.S.E's) to rummage through things to see what she could take). She has seen my DS (9) 3 times (3 months, 4 years and 7. When my DD1 was born the day before my nieces birthday, my sister looked after him, she told me 2 years later and at my niece's birthday party, that time I was there) and my DD's (5 and very nearly 4) twice (once for 5 minutes as an unexpected visit, I didn't even know she knew where I lived and at the party mentioned above).

My daughters are obsessed with their Nan Nan, absolutely everything we do together, they say they have done with their Nan, every present they get for Birthday's and Christmas they already have 1 but better at their Nan Nan's house ( who apparently lives at the bottom of our road Hmm )

I try my hardest with my kids but I never learned how to be a Mum (well apart from abandoning them) yet I'm constantly being told how 'Nan Nan does this better than you' when they don't even know what a let down she actually is!

I've tried getting her to be part of their lives as she is the only grandparent they have ( against my better judgement but out of desperation) but she obviously doesn't care, she never messages me to ask how they are, how DD1 enjoyed her 1st day of school, she just sends me links to things she has already shared on her Facebook page.

I have to stop myself from telling my kids that their Nan Nan doesn't piss glitter and fart rainbows that she will put anything else before you because you are my kids (she had my now 18 DN for the full 6 weeks holidays when he was 15 as my sister couldn't handle him). That if it wasn't for their auntie she wouldn't even know that they exist!

It upsets me and makes me feel like I'm Failing as a parent because a woman who abandoned me, who sent me on a 5 hour flight alone at 10 years old because I was in the way, a woman who doesn't even know their last name! seems to do everything better than me even though she doesn't give a shit.

I don't really know why I posted, I guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
Hsjdb7483939 · 28/05/2021 06:25

It sounds like they’re completely idealising the idea of what a nan is like as unless I’ve misunderstood your post they don’t actually see her. Does someone else in the family talk about her a lot? I can’t quite work out what’s keeping her in their minds so much.
I’d be gently saying to them though that it’s not very kind to say that she does things better than you as even if she saw a lot of them it’s not kind to say and your eldest is big enough to understand that

JustKeep · 28/05/2021 06:28

I think it’s pretty normal for children to fantasise a great relationship with somebody who is perfect (ie does everything they want). Certainly my two talk constantly about their uncle Dave, who they have met maybe 5 times in total - they tell me they’re going to go live with him, and he’ll take them to legoland, he bought them a new toy, etc etc - he’s a nice bloke, but is very happily single and child free and definitely doesn’t want to take them anywhere!

They’ll grow out of it in time. For now I think you’re right just to play along like any other imaginary friend they rattle on about.

SD1978 · 28/05/2021 06:37

How would they even know who this woman is, with a full stop meeting time of less that 10minutes? I don't get where they are getting 'nan nan' comments from, u less other family members are talking about your mother. In which case tell them to stop.

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bloodywhitecat · 28/05/2021 06:38

In my experience your children will grow to see who their grandmother for who she really is, you are doing the right thing by nodding and agreeing with them for now.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 28/05/2021 06:42

How do they even remember her? Confused

Bugalugg · 28/05/2021 06:53

Come to the statelyhomes thread on relationships board for empathy and advice....some of the responses on here are shocking. AlsoFlowers

QuimReaper · 28/05/2021 07:06

I just wanted to say the same as others have said - it sounds very much like 'Nan nan' is an imaginary / fantasy character they've formed together, and has no bearing on your mother. She's just a convenient vessel for her - more convenient for being absent in fact, because she's a blank slate for them to project an idealised 'Nan nan' figure onto (as a PP has pointed out, these are common in kids' books and TV) and she isn't around to contradict any of it. The fact that she actually exists and they get cards from her will make their fantasy extra magical, like when parents leave a bite out of the mince pie for their kids on Christmas Day, or send them a letter from a fictional character or one of their toys or something.

If I were you I'd try and rename Nan Nan 'Nancy' and form a picture of her in your head. (Only for yourself obviously, not try and force the kids to rename her). They won't remember what she looks like, so she can look like whatever you like. Let's say: Nancy is a wonderful, eccentric local friend with an air of magic about her, who has wild hair, wears colourful scarves and big glasses, and carries an embroidered bag. Something like that. Heck, you could even draw her Grin

May not work but as you're so admirably playing along with them, it might make it easier for you to hear 'Nan nan' and sub in an equally fictional character rather than conflating their fantasy with your pain.

QuimReaper · 28/05/2021 07:09

In fact, out of interest, have they ever drawn Nan nan? If not maybe you should encourage them to next time they've got their pencils out. I bet you'll find they draw someone with no resemblance to your mother, which might make you feel better about breaking the connection.

(You could even draw your own made-up Nancy character and call her Nan nan, and try and implant her in their minds Grin )

nimbuscloud · 28/05/2021 07:10

It sounds very difficult for everyone.

Lavender201 · 28/05/2021 07:10

It sounds like their cousins (who see your mum more) must be talking to your kids about Nan Nan, in order for them to get this idea in their heads.

They’re only little, so they don’t know what they’re saying. As they get older, her uselessness and unequal treatment will become apparent.

If you want to, or need to for your own health, you can cut strings altogether. Maybe move further away. Don’t feel guilty, no grandparents is much better than one shit grandparent.

Also it sounds like you’re doing a good job at being a mother, in spite of your own upbringing Flowers

MsSquiz · 28/05/2021 07:14

It sounds like they have turned her into a mythical amazing grandma. They will hear their peers talking about their grandparents and want to do the same, so they make up stories and imagine how amazing she is.

I did the same thing with my dad. He would visit 3 times a year to spend half an hour with me and give me £20 and a Christmas/Easter/birthday card. I made up a whole exciting side of the family because I didn't know them.
My DM would gently correct me that things hadn't happened but never told me how much of a shot dad he was. Even when I was a teenager and said I would go live with him!

I know it's tough but you just have to manage their expectations and ride it out. It won't be long before they realise the truth and their talk of her fades out

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/05/2021 08:06

Personally I wouldn’t be playing along. This could encourage the fantasy and either perpetuate it or give your dcs a lot of disappointment when they realise the fantasy isn’t reality. Perhaps go for gentle correction? If it happens a lot, I would also be going for a ‘that’s nice dear and when appropriate, you could change the conversation to something to grab attention eg look at this really interesting thing or I was thinking we could do x tomorrow etc.

gahhhh · 28/05/2021 08:15

5 is FAR too young to be hearing about your neglectful mother. She’s your child, not your therapist I would say something slightly different here. OP I think that your dc are also being failed by your DM, and they may already be aware that they are not getting the love some children get from their grandparents. I think you need to try to work out how to be honest about your DM to your DC in child appropriate ways, so that you can comfort them when the time comes. Because basically you are saying

"I am sorry that DM will not be the grandparent to you that you deserve, this is not because of anything you or I did, it is because [and try to explain - why did she act as she did - did she walk out because she herself wasnt' parented well?] I can't change this for you, but I can make it better"

You can make it better by talking about it, listening to them, supporting them.

This is going to be an ongoing dialogue probably over the years. And as they get older you will be able to explain about relationships and what makes a good parent in your eyes and so on.

I think that they need comfort now and some forewarning of what is to come. When do you tell them that she walked out? Well, I guess you don't want them to be afraid you will walk out - but at some point it will come up and it will be important to tell them the truth in child appropriate ways.

getsomehelp · 28/05/2021 08:42

You do know that not everyone has fairy tale Mum/Nan right ? Sorry to be harsh, you were treated terribly by this woman. But in your shoes I would go as low contact as possible with your sister, & N/C with your mother. They bring no happiness.
Aren't there any Mother in laws for any of these kids? someone they could make a real healthy relationship with ?

CutieBear · 28/05/2021 09:07

Your eldest is old enough to be told the truth. He needs to know that your DM abandoned you as a child and that’s why you don’t have a good relationship.

askingrandomsonlinemighthelp · 28/05/2021 09:08

Keep away from both your sister and your mother. Tell them she's moved to Spain and change the subject every time they bring her up. Protect them from her. Get them obsessed with a magic fairy that lives in the garden or something. They just want to use their imaginations. Keep it light and happy. Don't let this woman anywhere near them. Just tell her to keep away and to piss off for good. She doesn't get to be a grandmother.

PaperbackRider · 28/05/2021 09:15

Your children have met your mother twice but constantly talk about how they have done stuff with her that they haven't?
That's not normal. Why not just tell them its not nice to make things up, and we don't tell lies?

Tal45 · 28/05/2021 09:22

It sounds like you're not very confident in your parenting skills due to the way you were raised. I wonder if you could go on a parenting course to up your confidence? It might really help you and your new confidence could really benefit your kids too x

MatildaTheCat · 28/05/2021 09:26

I’d go with saying something non committal like, ‘oh that would have been lovely,’ as it doesn’t contradict them but does get the message across that Nan Nan did not take them to Disneyland yesterday.

If you don’t pay much attention to their fantasy I suspect it will die away.

Saz12 · 28/05/2021 09:27

I’m not sure I would go down the road of explaining child abandonment at that age: it could be the right thing to do, but I’d be asking for a RL experts view as it just sounds likely to go wrong to me. Can you redirect to something else? Do t react to “nan nan” stories,but try to introduce a more neutral fantasy figure. Or just rename “nan nan” pretend you’ve misheard and call it something different - bam bam or lamb lamb or anything ridiculous. Break the connection between idealised adult and your (rubbish) mother, but let them keep ideal adult pretend figure.

blessedday · 28/05/2021 09:28

My ‘mother’ is similar although as my dc have become older they’ve seen for themselves what she’s like. I tried to protect them from the disappointment without telling them my view on her.
They’ll see. Until then just bite your tongue.

This. I had a similar (although not quite as extreme) situation. I held my counsel and didn't moan about my mum to my kids and do you know what? As they grew up they saw for themselves what she was really like and they formed their own opinions. I was glad I didn't drip poison in their ears though - tempting as it was at times!

Saz12 · 28/05/2021 09:31

Cross posted with loads of others! Interesting that evergone would tackle it a bit differently but I bet all ways would be fine - there’s not one “good way” to parent, OP.

Shahlalala · 28/05/2021 09:31

Similar situation here. I had to grin and bear it but they eventually worked out on their own she’s an absolute twat.
They’ll realise in time. X

mam0918 · 28/05/2021 09:48

Better the devil you know.

Kids who know a deadbeat is a deadbeat dont idolise them but kids who dont know build up a dream senario in their head of the perfect person they want to exist.

gahhhh · 28/05/2021 09:52

@Saz12

I’m not sure I would go down the road of explaining child abandonment at that age: it could be the right thing to do, but I’d be asking for a RL experts view as it just sounds likely to go wrong to me. Can you redirect to something else? Do t react to “nan nan” stories,but try to introduce a more neutral fantasy figure. Or just rename “nan nan” pretend you’ve misheard and call it something different - bam bam or lamb lamb or anything ridiculous. Break the connection between idealised adult and your (rubbish) mother, but let them keep ideal adult pretend figure.
I don't think explaining abandonment is a good idea, but being honest that they may not have the loving attentive grandma they wish for is a good idea, if done in a child appropriate way, is the expert advice to the best of my knowledge. Being honest, in a child appropriate way, not distracting or redirecting, but being supportive and teaching the child coping strategies about it.

It isn't to do with dripping poison like another poster says, more about putting the loss (the child's loss) in context and supporting the child through that.