Different conversation styles at table.

[Wallywobbles]

Ok so as a bilingual family we are DH and his 2 kids. Me and my 2 kids. All kids are teens. My family conversation style is chatty, loud, multiple conversations happening. My side are more bilingual than his (so DH might tune out if we are taliking in my mother tongue) but there's not much in it apart from attitude.

DH family conversation style is long to get started, no interruptions, questions or chipping in. So monologues basically. If there's a conversation going on he won't have a separate one.

He is always interrupted, often by me. And then just stops talking. Currently he is just sitting at meals in silence.

His kids can do both styles. Mine can't and really not can I. A monologue is not a conversation.

For the 7 years we've been together it's been an issue. And I just don't know how to make it better. Can anyone verbalize what it's like being DH? So I understand it better. The psychologist said we should treat him like he's slow. But he's not. And after 9 months of going we never managed to really improve this.

What do you mean by monologue? If somebody is telling you about their day, or answering a question, or giving some information then the polite thing to do is wait until they’ve finished speaking. It’s rude to interrupt and it’s rude to start your own separate side conversation with other people (unless in a very big group.)

Is that’s what’s happening? Or is he talking for a long time about something which interests only him and not letting others get a word in edge ways? Which is equally rude.

Should everyone just wait their turn? I guess I never grew up with that. We were 10 at table most meals and there was always more than one conversation happening.

It depends on the context. Clearly, it’s rude to ask somebody how their day was and then, half way through their response, allow somebody else to distract you with a completely separate conversation and lose interest in the original one. It’s not rude if you’re having a one-on-one conversation with the person next to you for others at a large table to be having separate conversations with the person next to them. In the latter, I wouldn’t expect everyone to pay attention to one person doing the talking or to take turns.

I’m amazed that a professional psychologist you’re receiving counselling / therapy from would advise you to treat your DH as if he’s “slow” for having a different conversational style to you. How horribly offensive to a) him and b) people with learning disabilities, for whom “slow” is presumably the euphemism being used. Where on earth did you find this person?

There is a huge gap between a ‘monologue’ and ‘chatty loud multiple conversations happening’.

This....‘He is always interrupted, often by me’ is just rude!

There’s lots of us as well and we don’t have situations where there are long monologues but we don’t have everyone talking at once either-there’s conversation, sometimes people interrupt but they’d apologise and wait to speak in a minute.

I struggle to believe a psychologist said to treat your husband like he’s ‘slow’ -that’s bloody offensive.

'Conversational Overlap' is the phrase you are looking for OP.

He was a CBT therapist. We eventually stopped as although some of his strategies worked well for other issues the table conversation one remained.
I was pretty shocked by his comment but strangely it didn't seem to bother DH.
He said that we processed things faster than him.

The interruptions are comments or asides not actually cutting him off. Maybe it's just me that's the problem.

@Aknifewith16blades thank you. I think maybe I need to work on my impulse control. It just feels so unnatural to have a series of unoverlapped conversations!!

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/interrupting-or-cooperative-overlappingll_603e8ae9c5b601179ec0ff4e

Yes yes that's exactly it...

No, it's not 'wrong' just a different approach (and not the same as rudely interupting).

Try: www.thoughtco.com/cooperative-overlap-conversation-1689927

If you want to talk like your DH does, maybe try practising with passing an item between people, and the one holding it gets to be the person talking? But I don't think it's 'wrong' to have your style and he may need reassurance and encouragement to dive in.

I've come across this before in a couple where she was English and he was Spanish. They were a lovely couple but he constantly interrupted and had several conversations going on at once, and she didn't do that at all. She was more one-on-one and thought that interrupting was really rude.

This is amazing....I have finally found my conversational style! Thank you...

When I was married, we'd have family conversation around the dinner table but I could never understand why my husband (now ex) wouldn't join in. He said we talked too much. He hated visiting my family because he said "they all talk at once". I'd never noticed until then. As time went by, talking too much/all at once became one of many 'dreadful faults' he accused me of to prove how awful I was. Everything was always 'my fault' and we parted company.

Since then I have listened to myself conversing with others. I can't bear monologues where it takes ages for someone to get to their point and no-one can say a thing until they've got there. It seems odd and wrong, not a real conversation at all....but clearly I'm influenced by my family style.
We would also have several conversations going on at once. If I'm talking with a friend, they'll be telling me something and I will 'add' to it along the way, such as "oh yes, we did that last week", "ah, that makes sense because..." and other such additions.

It makes sense to think some people are used to this style and go along with it, and others aren't, and consider the comments rude interruptions. So interesting...

Equally, I don’t think your DH’s style is “wrong” either and I think it’s really unfair of you to try to impose your preferences onto him to the extent that you’ve taken him to CBT to try to “fix” him. If I had to sit at a table with 6 other people all chattering away over the top of each other, I’d probably sit in silence too!
I understand that you’ve come from a big family, and a group of 10 around a table will often have more than one conversation going on, but it sounds like you are all ignoring your DH and just chatting to each other. Conversational overlap is supposed to be a mutual thing, so perhaps you could consider taking more effort to include your DH, rather than expecting him to always defer to your conversational standards.

People who monologue are the bloody worst and should not be allowed to eat at tables!!!

In all seriousness though it's a cultural thing, but not one I like so why I wouldn't chose to be a part of his family. I find it boring, slow and antisocial.

@ATowelAndAPotato that's not why we started CBT! He did a couple of sessions alone because he was depressed and then we did 6 months or so together. It's not always easy sticking 2 families together.

My eldest DD is also feeling better about this. Thank you. We do interrupt but we are doing it with good intentions not to take the conversation away from him. It's to boost the subject along a bit. And as he's a bit slow to get the topic going he just feels what's the point.

Normally I try very hard to make sure everyone gets a fair shot at conversational input at table.

Tonight DD1 & I are going to try not talking. See if that helps. Or if we just all sit in silence.

This is really interesting. I’m definitely an overlapper and my husband is a monologuer. He gets really annoyed with me for interrupting him, and I get annoyed because I think, well what am I supposed to do, just sit respectfully while you impart your wisdom? That’s not a conversation! And it doesn’t even out, because when it’s my turn I tend to stop after a couple of sentences and wait for a response- but I’m waiting for a couple of sentences, not a speech!

So how do you fix it without using the word “monologue”?

Tonight DD1 & I are going to try not talking. See if that helps. Or if we just all sit in silence

Those are both rather passive aggressive solutions!

It does sound like a cultural difference. The usual British etiquette would be that it's rude to interrupt someone. It implies you aren't interested enough to listen to them, and think you are more important. Obviously there are many other different ways of seeing it, depending on culture, age, class etc. so it sounds as if a compromise is needed on both sides.

But I'm British and he's French so you'd think it'd be the other way round!

@Howshouldibehave it is passive aggressive, but also an interesting (to us) experiment. I'm imagining that it'll be awkward silences but I may well be wrong and he'll think it's the best meal ever.

God this rings so many bells.
I find my in laws each like a nice long monologue about some recent activity / achievement.
I find it lovely to sit and chat and eat with my wider family and actually have a laugh, everyone chipping in. But I know that can be a bit intimidating and loud if you aren't used to it.
Sorry that I have no wisdom to impart. I just accept it as a difference in styles. And I have become less "interrupty" over the years. My own kids are somewhere in the middle and better at sharing conversation than either of their parents perhaps.

So for him it has to be either a monologue or he won't talk at all? What about when you're not at the dinner table? What happens if you're on a journey or going for a walk?

Should everyone just wait their turn?

Dear god.

@Aknifewith16blades

No, it's not 'wrong' just a different approach (and not the same as rudely interupting).

Try: www.thoughtco.com/cooperative-overlap-conversation-1689927

If you want to talk like your DH does, maybe try practising with passing an item between people, and the one holding it gets to be the person talking? But I don't think it's 'wrong' to have your style and he may need reassurance and encouragement to dive in.

All hail the spirit stick!

Have you ever watched Annie Hall op?

If you're going to take it in turns to talk then it's only fair that each person gets the same amount of time. It doesn't sound as though this guy wants that.

I find it really hard to follow when there's multiple conversations. Also when I'm talking and someone is responding and another person cuts in with their POV and I have to try and follow conversations that have broken off of which I was involved.

I think it's just more difficult for some people.

I'm happy to just sit quietly and shut everyone out because ultimately it's easier!