Different conversation styles at table.

[Wallywobbles]

Ok so as a bilingual family we are DH and his 2 kids. Me and my 2 kids. All kids are teens. My family conversation style is chatty, loud, multiple conversations happening. My side are more bilingual than his (so DH might tune out if we are taliking in my mother tongue) but there's not much in it apart from attitude.

DH family conversation style is long to get started, no interruptions, questions or chipping in. So monologues basically. If there's a conversation going on he won't have a separate one.

He is always interrupted, often by me. And then just stops talking. Currently he is just sitting at meals in silence.

His kids can do both styles. Mine can't and really not can I. A monologue is not a conversation.

For the 7 years we've been together it's been an issue. And I just don't know how to make it better. Can anyone verbalize what it's like being DH? So I understand it better. The psychologist said we should treat him like he's slow. But he's not. And after 9 months of going we never managed to really improve this.

What do you mean by he's slow to get the topic going op? I don't understand that. Either you are talking about something or you aren't

Do you mean he waffles?

I am the same as you OP. If it's a monologue, am I supposed to take notes so that we can come back after the speaker has finished and talk about the specific points I found of interest? How silly.

If I am the speaker, and my friends are asking about what I've said/the conversation moves sideways to another subject, then if what I was saying had an important point then I'll just make it when there's a bit of a natural gap.

I wonder whether if this is an introvert/extrovert thing? My extrovert friends tend to be more comfortable with this style of overlapping conversations but my introvert friends perhaps less so. I change my style depending on who I'm with.

I wonder whether if this is an introvert/extrovert thing? My extrovert friends tend to be more comfortable with this style of overlapping conversations but my introvert friends perhaps less so. I change my style depending on who I'm with

This my extrovert family is noisy and happy, lots of overlapping and finishing each other's sentences. My introvert DH's given to intermiable monlogues.

I think being silent is Olin rude and tbh passive aggressive and not the way forward to solving this issue. It almost seems like you want to prove your dh is in the wrong. Neither are. British etiquette is usually you wait for the person to stop talking then you pitch in.

Obviously your family don't follow that rule despite being British so perhaps you could reach a compromise and practise so as to give your dh a chance at his style of conversation but carry on as usual with your own family as I think you should be natural around your family members regardless.

A bit rude not olin !

When eating I see it as a group effort to keep the convo going to everyone can eat and others can talk as well.

Ideally it would bounce along in light, clever chat like a Bertie Wooster luncheon.

Unfortunately at our table, dh doesn't speak and almost regrssses to being a small passive child.
One dc has misphonia and can't stand me chewing. The other dd doesn't stop talking.
. My df was a monologue conversation hogger and yes it was painful sometimes to have to sit and listen to speeches although he was an interesting funny person it would have been much better to be lighter and able to switch modes
My friend and perfect guest is able to do this switch as necessary, be a monologuer when needed, dive in and out when needed or be quiet. He's perfect and probably the most socially easy and affable person I know.
I'm trying to teach dc to talk but it's hard when dh refuses to try.

Re the "treat the dh like he's slow" wow!
The poor man, what an odd remark?
Was dh present when this was said, is he aware of this tactic to treat him as slow?

It was badly put. Perhaps saying something more Something the lines of : be aware that he has a different style to you and can't join in quick fire layered chat but needs to be given a little more time to speak and feel listened to than you would need.

We are also a bilingual family. British and other European but not French. We actually do a mix, based on the needs of the individual. If someone starts a 'monologue' and it's something they clearly need to get off their chest, then we let them talk. Otherwise it's just chatty and loud and overlaps. Took me a while to get used to it.
When we started we would ask the kids open ended questions and make it clear we were giving them the space to talk, now they make it clear either by asking, or by their tone or the topic.

Could you perhaps just ask DH to make it clear when he needs to 'monologue' and then swiftly move on and make it more chatty once he's got what he needs?

OK so supper was a totally silent affair. DD2 said something about it, DH ate, said what was bothering him about yesterday's supper conversation and left the table. Not in a huff exactly, but anyway. We are no further down this particular cul-de-sac.

@PetuniaPot I agree the guy put it badly, but genuinely DH wasn't troubled by it.

@spottyshowercap - I don't want to prove him wrong, we just wondered what would happen if we weren't the ones moving the conversation along. Result = no conversation at all.

I'm a bit fed up with always feeling I'm in the wrong. DH probably feels the same. It's such a hard one to compromise over, because what is the compromise. If we are silent and leave him the place to talk uninterrupted but then he doesn't talk at all what next?

His silence definitely isn't atmosphere free.

How about a sit down conversation with all of you (not over dinner) when you all get to share how you like to talk. Everyone gets to share their preference, understand each others and you can take it from there?

@thisplaceisweird we've pretty much done that. It's not yielded any results or understanding. The articles on conversational overlap are fantastic and have been shared. I think I just really want him to understand that it doesn't come from a bad place and we are not belittling him.

Oh my god. Marking this thread to come back to. We have exactly this in our house and family!

Interrupting is incredibly rude. My sister does it all the time. As a pp said telling a story or giving a view is not a monologue.

@hopeishere

Interrupting is incredibly rude. My sister does it all the time. As a pp said telling a story or giving a view is not a monologue.

Personally I hate it the other way - I hate talking to the type of person who doesn’t interrupt, who waits for me to finish, pauses significantly to gather their thoughts, and then replies. It makes me feel put on the spot, judged, and renders me unable to finish a sentence, I just sputter to a halt. I’m far more used to, and vastly prefer, people chipping in and moving the conversation on.

He sounds a pompous bore, and a bit slow. Why did you marry him?

@hopeishere It's a monologue if it lasts too long and nobody is interested.

Yes StyleAndLasers.

Do you want to meet for a coffee?!

@MrsGloriaMcSnuffkins

I am the same as you OP. If it's a monologue, am I supposed to take notes so that we can come back after the speaker has finished and talk about the specific points I found of interest? How silly.

If I am the speaker, and my friends are asking about what I've said/the conversation moves sideways to another subject, then if what I was saying had an important point then I'll just make it when there's a bit of a natural gap.

I wonder whether if this is an introvert/extrovert thing? My extrovert friends tend to be more comfortable with this style of overlapping conversations but my introvert friends perhaps less so. I change my style depending on who I'm with.

I'm an introvert. Very much prefer lots of conversations at the same time and overlapping. Takes the pressure off me and I can smile and nod a lot around the table.

Maybe he teally wants to unwind in the evenings, get his head together and calm down from the day. Just enjoy his food and relax. Maybe he doesnt feel the need to fill the space with words. Being able to sit comfortably and quietly with your family is a sign of real security. Perhaps jes just concentrating on eating. Is his focus thefood and not the social aspect? Its incredibly annoying when people constantly interrupt, very rude. When youve had a busy day its the last thing you want going on at home.

@GlamGiraffe that's fine but why then make us feel bad about talking? When I haven't seen the kids all day. I WFH and everyone else is out 7-7 this is our one chance to talk.

Honestly this is the one Issue in our relationship. He really is fantastic and I'm sure when everyone has flown the next we will have a lovely retirement! He adores small kids. Not so hot with teens though.

@Wallywobbles

OK so supper was a totally silent affair. DD2 said something about it, DH ate, said what was bothering him about yesterday's supper conversation and left the table. Not in a huff exactly, but anyway. We are no further down this particular cul-de-sac.

@PetuniaPot I agree the guy put it badly, but genuinely DH wasn't troubled by it.

@spottyshowercap - I don't want to prove him wrong, we just wondered what would happen if we weren't the ones moving the conversation along. Result = no conversation at all.

I'm a bit fed up with always feeling I'm in the wrong. DH probably feels the same. It's such a hard one to compromise over, because what is the compromise. If we are silent and leave him the place to talk uninterrupted but then he doesn't talk at all what next?

His silence definitely isn't atmosphere free.

Just don't talk over each other 🤷‍♀️ it's not hard.

@StyleAndLasers I related SO MUCH to this! I am a very expressive type of talker and have been accused of interrupting and going off on tangents before by quieter/more monologue-type partners. But to me, I’m just affirming what the other person is saying and showing interest! I would also feel very awkwardness if the other people involved in the conversation just stared and remained silent before slowly replying right at the end. I have a few colleagues who do this and it intimidated me before I understood that they were particularly introverted!
My MIL has complained to DH that I interrupt her and has asked if I have a hearing problem because I don’t wait for her to completely finish before I make a noise or nod or ask a question. His family are very into long rants and sometimes I have to bite my tongue and try and strike the right balance between seeming interested but allowing them to completely say their peace before I say anything.

It’s like DHs family. No bloody conversation. Or one person talks.

My family are shouty and interrupt and it’s much more fun.

@3Britnee actually it IS HARD. Surely this thread shows that.