Different conversation styles at table.

[Wallywobbles]

Ok so as a bilingual family we are DH and his 2 kids. Me and my 2 kids. All kids are teens. My family conversation style is chatty, loud, multiple conversations happening. My side are more bilingual than his (so DH might tune out if we are taliking in my mother tongue) but there's not much in it apart from attitude.

DH family conversation style is long to get started, no interruptions, questions or chipping in. So monologues basically. If there's a conversation going on he won't have a separate one.

He is always interrupted, often by me. And then just stops talking. Currently he is just sitting at meals in silence.

His kids can do both styles. Mine can't and really not can I. A monologue is not a conversation.

For the 7 years we've been together it's been an issue. And I just don't know how to make it better. Can anyone verbalize what it's like being DH? So I understand it better. The psychologist said we should treat him like he's slow. But he's not. And after 9 months of going we never managed to really improve this.

Its a cultural thing! What's rude, or where boundaries are, are a part of culture. This includes things that a lot of people consider "common sense" such as privacy, directness, eye contact and interrupting.

I speak a Latin language, and in their own language my family so a lot of things which would be construed rude here. You're not supposed to say please and thank you all the time, if I'm at a table and I need the salt I literally say "give me the salt" which just feels wrong being British lol

They also share that same conversational style, everyone talks at the same time, conversation veers off in different directions, and people will make stuff up because it's interesting 🤷‍♀️

You make stuff up 😱

My life is interesting enough.

[quote Wallywobbles]@3Britnee actually it IS HARD. Surely this thread shows that. [/quote]
No, it's just rude. And shows poor listening skills and complete disrespect for who you are talking to.

You sound extremely rude OP!

Forget treating your husband like he's 'slow', like, really?, you and your kids need treating like children that have to be taught how to converse properly.

Is your DH an introvert and are you well read on it? May be worth it.

I am an introvert. But am confident and not shy so most people wouldn't label me that. But they way i process noise and information and get overwhelmed easily and can withdraw is quite typical. I cannot listen to the radio whilst working, or have any background noise when reading a book. Noisy restaurants are exhausting as it takes a lot of energy to focus only on the person i am with and not on others.

The lovely family dinner would be very hard for me. I would 'endure it' and need to have a lie down somewhere quiet to re charge afterwards. I don't think other people are wrong. I just don't thrive on that sort of intensity.

It sounds like a difficult balance. Compromise is needed on both sides.

Also, do you actually like your partner? It doesn’t come across as if you do.

In my experience it's not an introvert / extrovert thing nor a clear-cut rude versus polite issue but a cultural or familial style clash.
I'm an introvert who finds silent listeners to be pretty unpleasant. I need some encouragement to continue!

Conversation is an art, that should be taught, and can be learned.

Monologuing is as rude as interrupting. Both parties need to learn how to chat properly.

Don't hog the conversation.
Don't interrupt, no matter how charming you might think it is.
Listen to the person speaking, instead of just thinking about what you want to say.
Nodding, saying "Oh?" "Really?" etc are good ways to show that you're really listening.
If you're the one holding forth for too long, learn to read the cues. Total silence, people looking away from you, no interested nods/brief words -you're being boring and should wrap it up.
Ideally, talk about things that might interest if not everyone at the table, then most of them.

@UhtredRagnarson I adore my husband. He is the best person I know.

I do not, nor does anyone I know including my DDs, think DH is slow.

And when we are entertaining he's a total conversation hog. It's just family meals that are difficult.

What a fascinating thread.
I think this is a mix of both style/culture as well as personality.
As a set introvert, I never forget the brilliant MBTI workshop I took part in at work. Divided into respective groups, each group had to set questions for the opposite ‘spectrum’. At the word go all the introverts literally hugged their chins with hands and quietly thought away. Whilst the extroverts . . Fired away at each other.

For me it was amazing to see because it cured me of my pet hate: can’t they think before speaking? I then realized - that is them thinking! Their thinking process is often out loud because their ‘working space’ is not in their heads - unlike introverts.

I don’t think your issues are just along the lines of introvert/extrovert point however.
I imagine your OH considers speaking as a finished product: with beginning, middle and conclusion. Interruption, however well meant, robs him of his ownership to this creation. In the same way perhaps he does not interrupt others because he views their speaking as ‘their’ product to which he has no right (or maybe interest) to contribute.
Overlapping dialogue is more of a collaborative effort, where there may be a leading voice but others contribute and the result is seen as a collective product. Both approaches have ‘rules’ but it can be difficult to adapt.

I would look to try out some ‘games’ that focus on improvisation and brevity of expression for your husband. He can still work with standard format “beginning/middle/end” but shorten it or find a seat to ‘split’ the essay across the conversation.

Also some ‘games’ that aim to visualize the collective contribution - where you work together to build one large structure, with everyone taking turns.

On the other hand, you can try and reduce the interruptions by trying to ‘skip’ every other or equally, aim to lengthen your point, as though making a small mini debate.

I wonder if your point about teenagers could also cover remaining on one topic for a set amount of time: so let’s say general chat, more overlapping at main course but set topic at dessert?

And remind him that, as you’ve said, they will fly the nest soon enough and then it will be too quiet at times

We do interrupt but we are doing it with good intentions. It's to boost the subject along a bit
That just sounds rude.

He is always interrupted, often by me. And then just stops talking. Currently he is just sitting at meals in silence.
The poor sod...

Ugh
That was meant to read “ He can still work with standard format “beginning/middle/end” but shorten it or find a way to “split’ the essay across the conversation.”

I only view MN on my phone and often miss when the autocorrect decides better for me.
Sometimes I must come across as a right dummy, when random words pop up in my answers!

Btw this has made me thing of our discussion dynamic. I “contribute”, my OH is more of a monologue hogger. Not much but enough that I could never put my finger on it . .

@ComtesseDeSpair

What do you mean by monologue? If somebody is telling you about their day, or answering a question, or giving some information then the polite thing to do is wait until they’ve finished speaking. It’s rude to interrupt and it’s rude to start your own separate side conversation with other people (unless in a very big group.)

Is that’s what’s happening? Or is he talking for a long time about something which interests only him and not letting others get a word in edge ways? Which is equally rude.

I thought this, no wonder the poor guy stops talking. Sounds like he’s endlesssly interrupted. Conservations like this would do my head in, how can anyone say anything or get any point across if everyone is being interrupted all the time.

And to the psychologist with the ‘treat him like he’s slow’ comment. That’s actually so weird and unprofessional too.

Also meant to say, I used to have a friend who half way through me talking would turn away and start chatting to someone else. It’s so rude, all it shows is the person interrupting thinks what they have to say is the most important. They’re never listening to others just waiting for a slight pause do they can spout more rubbish about themselves again.

Notice I said she used to be a friend. I had enough.

In what context is he seeing a psychologist, op? I don't believe for a second that the poor devil's doctor has advised his family to treat him as if he's slow.
That's not even slightly credible.

I recognise this so much. My husband’s family do polite, turn-taking conversations. Sometimes these can be boring. But proper listening means that they understand each other very well.

My family talk over the top of each other. They don’t listen well. It’s all very sparky and entertaining but also superficial, frequently leads to rows, and there is a lack of real understanding of how the less outspoken people are feeling or even about how they live their lives.

I used to find my husband’s family ponderous and dull, but over the years I’ve grown to admire that respect and understanding that they have for each other.

The usual British etiquette would be that it's rude to interrupt someone. It implies you aren't interested enough to listen to them, and think you are more important

Rubbish - quite the opposite in fact. I would say if you just sit there and don't contribute, that shows you aren't interested in what is being said. Conversation is a two way thing not an Alan Bennett play.

I would say if you just sit there and don't contribute, that shows you aren't interested in what is being said. Conversation is a two way thing
Butting in to contribute isn't necessary. Conversations being two way things doesn't mean you don't need to have the manners to actually hear someone out before you have your go.

@DasPepe that was very interesting thank you.

@SallyCinnabon I'm not turning away to talk to someone else though but I recognize that'll I'll briefly answer a yes/no question coming at me from an other, but I'm still with DH. When you were talking to your ex friend were you talking to the table or to her? If someone is talking to the table I feel less 100% required. I can see that you'd find me rude. Absolute not my intention though.

@HeddaGarbled I think my family do know each other well but that might be our slightly unique circumstances. We lost our mum young - eldest was 16, youngest was 7. But we do call each out on bad behavior. I mostly see DHs family in big groups where I can't really judge the dynamics so much. They do know each other well though 5 kids in 5 years. They were brought up on the family farm with no money but an amazing work ethic. Everyone mucked in and had preschool and after school jobs.

@GreyhoundG1rl we were seeing one together. DH initially because he was depressed then both of us together because of issues mainly around the supper table. The psychologist asked to see us both. He was kind of odd but some of what he got us to do was useful, some not so much.

It does sound like a cultural difference. The usual British etiquette would be that it's rude to interrupt someone.

I don't think it's British/non-British thing, I know many many British families where conversational overlapping happens. Any large family will behave like this. And it's a lot more fun and interesting than monologue-pause-monologue-pause. When the DC monologue too much I tell them off for it.

This is a fascinating thread. It's going to be my daily ponder

@DasPepe

What a fascinating thread. I think this is a mix of both style/culture as well as personality. As a set introvert, I never forget the brilliant MBTI workshop I took part in at work. Divided into respective groups, each group had to set questions for the opposite ‘spectrum’. At the word go all the introverts literally hugged their chins with hands and quietly thought away. Whilst the extroverts . . Fired away at each other. For me it was amazing to see because it cured me of my pet hate: can’t they think before speaking? I then realized - that is them thinking! Their thinking process is often out loud because their ‘working space’ is not in their heads - unlike introverts.

I don’t think your issues are just along the lines of introvert/extrovert point however.
I imagine your OH considers speaking as a finished product: with beginning, middle and conclusion. Interruption, however well meant, robs him of his ownership to this creation. In the same way perhaps he does not interrupt others because he views their speaking as ‘their’ product to which he has no right (or maybe interest) to contribute.
Overlapping dialogue is more of a collaborative effort, where there may be a leading voice but others contribute and the result is seen as a collective product. Both approaches have ‘rules’ but it can be difficult to adapt.

I would look to try out some ‘games’ that focus on improvisation and brevity of expression for your husband. He can still work with standard format “beginning/middle/end” but shorten it or find a seat to ‘split’ the essay across the conversation.

Also some ‘games’ that aim to visualize the collective contribution - where you work together to build one large structure, with everyone taking turns.

On the other hand, you can try and reduce the interruptions by trying to ‘skip’ every other or equally, aim to lengthen your point, as though making a small mini debate.

I wonder if your point about teenagers could also cover remaining on one topic for a set amount of time: so let’s say general chat, more overlapping at main course but set topic at dessert?

And remind him that, as you’ve said, they will fly the nest soon enough and then it will be too quiet at times

It's the dinner table. Presumably after a hard days work. Leave the man be ffs.

Maybe op could work on her rudeness and stop interrupting and having side conversations. Why does it have to be him that changes? OP has the issue, op should adjust what she's doing and see how he bounces off of that.

I bet if he isn't interrupted all the time and dropped mid sentence for someone more interesting, he might be more responsive.