I knew my relationship was over when.........

[Itwasoverwhen]

We went camping, there was a huge storm, he packed up his car and left me with 3 children, a huge tent to take down and everything still to pack in the lashing rain and wind because 'his stuff was packed'. I was still there an hour later and a man from a neighbouring tent couldn't even believe he had gone and just left me to struggle on my own.

Your turn...

My abusive then husband had always told me I'd never find anyone's else that would have me. One day I realised I didn't care, even if I was single for the rest of my life, it was better than the alternative of staying with him. This realisation came not long after he'd been away for a month to visit his parents in their home country. I loved that month. I left not long after. I'd been having discussions on leaving with my sister by text while I was at work. He read my texts while I was in the shower one day and threatened to kill me if I did (as opposed to 'jokingly' trying to strangle me). So I quickly dressed and ran while he was watching TV.
Have been happily with now DH for 7 years and two wonderful children.

Some awful stories on here, to all.

My heart ❤️ goes out to every one of you. Terrible terrible stories. I’m so glad you are finding freedom, happiness and ‘decent’ love out the other side.

Mine was more along the Boiling Frog analogy that took 20 years to come to the boil. It included:

Always being too busy to attend any hospital appointments, or drop me off/ collect me after surgery. My parents would often look after the DC, then come and collect me and take me home.

Never attending any sports days, parents evenings, matches for the DC.

Telling me I was ‘fat’ and that I was shit with money because I once failed to pay off my credit card. That only happened because he screamed at me every time I asked for money.

Wouldn’t set up a joint account. Gave me Housekeeping every month. I was ‘allowed’ to ask for a raise once a year... and I had to justify every penny.

His colleague rang and asked one day if he’d ever had any Anger Management training.

I was never ‘allowed’ to be on the phone when he got in from work.

He rang me to tell me that he’d had a better offer (white tie city dinner) on my birthday and told me he’d be taking me out another night. I spent the evening home alone, and he had the audacity to ring me the next day to say the evening was awful, and he’d been sooooo hot in his posh garb.

I lived in a guided cage, and he was/ is a captain of industry.

Abuse occurs at every level in society.

@subbysammiexoxo - not sure who would have told you that The Freedom Programme wasn’t suitable for you... I would really recommend it. It’s been a (literal) lifesaver for me and countless other women.

The Freedom Programme

This is why I'll be staying single

So many dreadful stories on here. Mine will sound fairly minor by comparison, but at the time it felt like the end of the world.

This was back in the early 1970s, when attitudes to sex outside marriage (particularly for girls) were a lot stricter than they are today. My then boyfriend kept trying to persuade me to go to bed with him, but at the same time made it perfectly clear that as far as he was concerned, our relationship had no long-term future. In other words, he thought I was good enough for sex but not good enough for marriage.

Looking back, I wonder what I ever saw in him.

When a lady in a beer garden came over to ask if I was ok.
My ex had just stormed off after smashing a pint glass against a wall following a row (in which I stayed quiet as I knew what his temper was like).
The thing was I just said yeah I’m fine and sat there finishing my drink. I was actually completely fine as I was so used to it I wasn’t even shaken or upset. I think that’s when I realised I shouldn’t be fine and it wasn’t ok to constantly have rows like that (usually in private), where I would always be the one to apologise.
I was 20, had put up with increasing levels of emotional, verbal and sexual abuse over 2 years. He was manipulative and a cheater (he never admitted to it). In the end I just didn’t care but I knew if I stayed with him I would lose my mind as I didn’t know who I was anymore. That lady made me see it wasn’t normal.
I will always ask a woman in the same situation if she’s ok, as like me, she might have gradually become used to it.

Some of these are terrible - I hope you're all in a better place now.

My ex convinced me twice that various hair accessories left in his flat were actually mine when they belonged to two different women. But it was strangely house-hunting in Willesden that did it for me.

It made me realise that the concept of a long-term future with this man was not filling me with enthusiasm anymore.

I met my DH about two months later and we've been together 25 years now.

This has been heart wrenching to read....
I am in awe of the many courageous people on here who have taken back control of their lives, many leaving with young children in tow into uncharted waters.
Who are these mothers raising these abusive men?

We need to do better. We must not laud boys above girls!

Only mothers can be depended on to change these outcomes.

We cannot depend on men to change the pyramid of entitled power.

When he told me to have an abortion because he'd decided he didn't want to be a dad after all. The baby was planned.

He'd met someone else, but I didn't know that until a few weeks later.

@cuparfull why are you blaming the mothers. Why blame women? They have fathers , you're not blaming them. I imagine a lot of these monsters mothers would be horrified to know what their sons were doing.

@BurningBright how evil. I hope you don't mind me asking, did you go ahead?

Who are these mothers raising these abusive men?

Let me correct that sentence for you.

Why won’t men take responsibility for their abusive behaviour?

Sounds much better, doesn’t blame women and puts the responsibility firmly with the abusers.

Bloody hell @cuparfull. What a load of shite. Talking about letting the abusive men off .

[quote Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel]@BurningBright how evil. I hope you don't mind me asking, did you go ahead? [/quote]
Nope, didn't go ahead. Left him and gave birth to the absolute love of my life with my Mum there to support me.

@BurningBright oh that's wonderful! I'm welling up

@BurningBright

When he told me to have an abortion because he'd decided he didn't want to be a dad after all. The baby was planned.

He'd met someone else, but I didn't know that until a few weeks later.

Sorry, did you mean go ahead with the pregnancy or with an abortion?

Yes to pregnancy, no to abortion.

[quote Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel]@BurningBright oh that's wonderful! I'm welling up [/quote]
Cross messages. Thank you.

She is the best thing that ever happened to me.

When my STBXH told me he was the ‘head of our household’ and if he told me that I needed to manage and care for our DC in a certain way, that I was required to follow his direction.

Whilst all his actions to that date had indicated a belief system that I was not his equal as his partner, nor that he had any respect for me as his wife and the mother of our DC’, his audacity in speaking openly what he actually believed, was the final straw that broke the camel’s back, and made plain to me the lack of respect and inequality that was in our marriage.

At the same time, I read Lundy Bancroft’s book which removed the scales from my eyes re the emotional abuse that was going on in my relationship, that my ‘D’H would never change, and I needed to make a permanent change in my life for the better.

And it is so so much better now

@Blankspace101

Who are these mothers raising these abusive men?

Let me correct that sentence for you.

Why won’t men take responsibility for their abusive behaviour?

Sounds much better, doesn’t blame women and puts the responsibility firmly with the abusers.

Plus, if we were going to blame mothers for abusers, why not fathers as well? Absent or not.

And, peers as well. The entire male community should be making it clear that such behaviour is unacceptable, instead of considering it a woman's problem.

@SunshineCake

Bloody hell *@cuparfull*. What a load of shite. Talking about letting the abusive men off .

You can see from my last sentence.....

"We cannot depend on men to change the pyramid of entitled power."

And thats exactly what it is....they think they can get away with abuse!

100's of years of denigrating the female population.

A father who said to me ....then aged 13, "You are sitting on a goldmine" made me realise early on in life never to depend on a man for anything!
Emotional abuse starts early. Always have a backup plan in life.

Then later him saying..."at last a son" said it all.

That was the end of my relationship with my father. It took me 4 years to get away forever, into a paying job with accommodation.
Best thing I did.

@cuparfull

A father who said to me ....then aged 13, "You are sitting on a goldmine" made me realise early on in life never to depend on a man for anything! Emotional abuse starts early. Always have a backup plan in life.

Then later him saying..."at last a son" said it all.

That was the end of my relationship with my father. It took me 4 years to get away forever, into a paying job with accommodation.
Best thing I did.

father who said to me ....then aged 13, "You are sitting on a goldmine" made me realise early on in life never to depend on a man for anything!

I’m so sorry if this is painful for you to revisit but can you explain this to me? Did he mean prostitution?

There are some really horrific posts on this thread. I haven't read them all because it has brought so much pain back to the surface and i can't cope with going down that road again. Why do we women put up with such shit and why are some men such immature spoiled bastards ? As a Mother of Son's i hope i raised not to be like some of the men in this thread. As a Mother of Daughters i hope i raised them to not put up with shit. I really would like to see these posts collated into a book and given to every 14 year old in the land.

When he bought my DD (not his DD) a pie she didn’t like, she tried to pretend to eat it then said she wasn’t hungry, he had an absolute fit accused me of feeding her crisps before dinner and stomped off to the end of the garden (even though England were playing and we had set up a little party) my DD went to speak to him (unbeknown to me) and he completely blanked her and wouldn’t even look at her, she came in crying, she was only 9 and any love I had ever felt just died, there were many many other awful things but this was what finished it, long court battle, many traumas and years later I have a wonderful DP and would run a mile at the things I previously put up with

Having read all of this thread, I am in awe of the courage and fortitude that so many of you have shown in the face of these men's abusive, appalling and criminal behaviour. I'm lucky enough to have a DH who, although very annoying at times, isn't abusive or violent. Despite that, I found I was looking at him quite warily this morning and feeling really angry and disgusted with him, presumably because he's a man. I've spent all day trying not to let him realise how I'm feeling, as its not his fault. So glad that many of you have escaped to a better life.