Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Would you disown your kids for serious criminal activity?

90 replies

zenithfreedom · 21/05/2021 15:08

I'm not talking about drug crimes, stealing etc... I mean things like murder, rape, terrorism.

I was watching a documentary on the 'Hamburg Cell' of the 4 pilot 9/11 hijackers. One of the family members felt shame and refused to be interviewed.

I don't have kids myself yet but can't imagine how I'd feel if I learned that my son/daughter participated in the murder of thousands of people. What's worse is that even if you forgive them, people who know you would look at you differently.

This is what the mother of the Columbine shooter, Sue Klebold experienced

OP posts:
NewMatress · 21/05/2021 15:10

No, I wouldn't because I'd be very concerned that I'd caused the problem in some way. It would undoubtedly change our relationship, but I'd still feel a lot of responsibility towards them and their victims.

covetingthepreciousthings · 21/05/2021 15:14

I don't think anyone can truly know how they'd feel in those kind of circumstances. I think you'd probably go through a lot of different stages, anger, grief, perhaps thinking about forgiveness. It would be heartbreaking.

AppleSouffle · 21/05/2021 15:16

I’m unsure.
I have a friend with family members in this position and they haven’t disowned him, they visit him in prison and will help to support him if and when he is released.
I like to think that I would be there unconditionally for my DC but I think it is one of those scenarios which has so many variables that it can’t be prejudged.

Serpenta · 21/05/2021 15:16

I remember reading that Ian Watkins' (from band Lostprophets, found guilty of horrific crimes against very young children) mother still visits him in prison. Maybe she feels in someway responsible for how he turned out or maybe that primal mother/child bond is just too strong.

I wouldn't judge her for that in the way I'd judge someone who stood by a spouse/partner who was in prison for similar offences.

I don't know, OP, to be honest. I think some crimes are so awful that cutting all contact might be the only way to cope.

WhatsappRicky · 21/05/2021 16:17

Someone I used to work with had two teenage children and about 5 years ago it came out that the son had been abusing his sister for a very long time. The daughter had finally worked up the courage to contact the police and it all came
Out. His son was jailed and his daughter left home, him and his wife refuse to see the son but he said it’s like his son has died yet he can’t mourn for him because of what he did. He said he feels disloyal to his daughter

I have a son and I’m not sure what I would do. I think I would feel responsible, I’m not sure I could never see him again. I suppose the people who do carry on seeing their children compartmentalise it all and kind of pretend it hasn’t happened?

topwings · 21/05/2021 16:20

While I would be horrified, I can't imagine a situation where I would disown my dc.

LubaLuca · 21/05/2021 16:28

I don't know. I think I'd really struggle to feel love towards someone if they committed a heinous crime. I wonder if I'd act like the person I'd loved had died, or just ceased to exist.

Grizalda · 21/05/2021 16:28

It really is one of those "depends" situations.

Nobody has any idea what they'd actually do until it happens. Very few people could truly empathise, fully knowing what it's like to go through it, so I wouldn't judge what a mother would do if I came across it in real life.

If it's a really high profile thing and you end up with a famous/infamous surname, I think I'd probably change my name at least.
I can't imagine what it's like to be a Shipman/Hindley/Dahmer/Moat spouse or child (or whoever!) the looks and whispering you must get when people find out your name.

Happylittlethoughts · 21/05/2021 16:36

I think about this quite often. I watch a lot of crime stuff .. Haha.
I listened to the Hunting Warhead podcast series. Warhead was an organiser and owner of paedophile websites and committed awful crimes. His parents were in court supporting him and prison. Wtf? No !! I'd rather kill the fucker that support that shit. No, my love could not be pushed to limitless. No, how could you?

MissScotland101 · 21/05/2021 16:37

I think I would always love my child if they did something like this but I don’t know if I would support them with prison visits, it’s one of those things where you don’t know what you would do unless it happened.

Babymeanswashing · 21/05/2021 16:38

I’d feel responsible. I don’t believe people are born evil so something must have gone horribly wrong and I’d be responsible for that.

KingdomScrolls · 21/05/2021 16:43

DH works in a cat A prison, most visitors are mums and partners and the same waiting at the gate on release

L0V315 · 21/05/2021 16:45

I recommend a book called 'Saving Noah'
Meet Noah—an A-honor roll student, award-winning swimmer, and small-town star destined for greatness. There weren’t any signs that something was wrong until the day he confesses to molesting little girls during swim team practice. He’s sentenced to eighteen months in a juvenile sexual rehabilitation center.

His mother, Adrianne, refuses to turn her back on him despite his horrific crimes, but her husband won’t allow Noah back into their home. In a series of shocking and shattering revelations, Adrianne is forced to make the hardest decision of her life. Just how far will she go to protect her son?

by Lucinda Berry, from her bio....

Dr. Lucinda Berry is a former clinical psychologist and leading researcher in childhood trauma. Now, she spends her days writing full-time where she uses her clinical experience to blur the line between fiction and nonfiction. She enjoys taking her readers on a journey through the dark recesses of the human psyche.

Lucinda gets into the mind of a mother whos teen commits a serious crime, it is hard hitting and incredibly sad. It really made me see things from a different perspective. I feel that if my dc did something unspeakable I would be there for them, I may not like/condone/be repulsed by what has been done by them, but I don't think anything would break the love I have for them iykwim

Lucked · 21/05/2021 16:51

Depends on their age and crime. Full adult (not just above the age of criminal responsibility) and heinous crime I would probably walk away. You would have to go a long way to convince me it had anything to do with me or their up bringing. Obviously lots of criminal have troubled starts in life but if my children try to twist their lovely middle class up bringing into some sob story I won’t be feeling guilty.

L0V315 · 21/05/2021 16:54

I don’t believe people are born evil so something must have gone horribly wrong and I’d be responsible for that.

Baby, some people are born with the empathy part if the brain not working properly (scans can show this) these people are labelled with antisocial personality disorder or in lay terms psychopath/sociopath. This difference in brain function can be genetic and there is a school of thought that suggests that back in the mists of time a person with this difference in brain function actually had an evolutionary advantage for the survival of humans. In that they were able to think and act for the good of a clan without the emotional component getting in the way.

I find the human mind fascinating

MissScotland101 · 21/05/2021 16:55

Psychopaths are born and not made but sociopaths are made, home grown if you will.

Cindy87 · 21/05/2021 16:55

I wouldn't disown my kids for any reason at all.

LibbyKate · 21/05/2021 16:57

A girl in my son’s year was charged with murder earlier this year (Y9). I can’t say too much as the case is still ongoing. I thought about her parents a lot, and I know that others did too. It’s almost impossible to imagine.

MsTSwift · 21/05/2021 16:58

We seeing this In a minor way a friends teen committed fraud (not a massive sum but done very deliberately and sneakily and she has lied and lied once discovered) and stolen from another teen. Parents defending their child to the hilt - muddying the water trying to blame the victim for “overreacting”. It’s depressing to see.

Rainbow321 · 21/05/2021 16:59

I know someone ( she is the grandmother ) her grandson and granddaughter were sexually abused by there uncle ( women who I know ,sisters son ) He was arrested and found guilty and had a reasonable sentence .
The grandmother has remained ok with her sister but does not want her sister to speak about him to her ( he is still in prison ) The sister has stuck with her son and visits him in prison knowing he sexually abused her niece/ nephew.

NewMatress · 21/05/2021 17:04

I work with troubled teens, some of their behaviour is awful, occasional heinous. Quite often parents do wash their hands of them, but I'm afraid, almost always, the behaviour stems from some trauma in their history that either the parents caused or should have protected them from.

Krook · 21/05/2021 17:12

I don't know what I would do in all honesty.
Not quite the same obviously as her son is no longer alive but the mother of one of the Columbine 'shooters' speaks about her experience. She did a TED talk.

ForgedInFire · 21/05/2021 17:16

I think I would disown my child if they did something terrible, especially if it was to a child. I couldn't go and make visits to a paedophile or child abuser in prison.
Of course you can't say until you've been in that position but I don't think I could do it.

HappyDaysToCome · 21/05/2021 17:27

I have a family member who has done something very bad. Not on the scale we’re talking here, ie not a serial killer, but bad enough.

I take the view that it’s not my job to punish him. I have provided practical and some financial support, but not emotional support. I can’t feel the same way about him that I did before. If he was a partner or husband I would definitely leave him. What I didn’t appreciate before being in this situation is that you also know the good bits of a person, no one is all good or all evil. And you can have some understanding of how they reached that point without forgiving them for the choices they made.