Would you disown your kids for serious criminal activity?

[zenithfreedom]

I'm not talking about drug crimes, stealing etc... I mean things like murder, rape, terrorism.

I was watching a documentary on the 'Hamburg Cell' of the 4 pilot 9/11 hijackers. One of the family members felt shame and refused to be interviewed.

I don't have kids myself yet but can't imagine how I'd feel if I learned that my son/daughter participated in the murder of thousands of people. What's worse is that even if you forgive them, people who know you would look at you differently.

This is what the mother of the Columbine shooter, Sue Klebold experienced

I think if they murdered someone or were involved in child abuse , I would not want to ever see them again.

I don't have children so hard to know, and probably hard to really know unless faced with the situation. I think though it might depend on how they reacted once caught and charged. If they had committed a terrible crime, I'd try to be supportive as I would want to understand why they did it and help them. if I felt they felt no remorse, not able to recognize their wrongdoing I would no doubt walk away. I'd also be mindful of them playing me.... so I guess what I'm saying is, it depends on how they react and move forward. If there is true remorse and a willingness for therapy etc. then a supportive parent/s/ family surely would be better. Having said that, I read up thread about a brother abusing his sister, and I'm not sure that I would/could ever forgive that.

I have a family member who committed murder.

I have nothing to do with him. I wasn't fond of him before that anyway and I was a teen when it happened. But his parents have always visited him. They still love him. They're disgusted by what he did and have always felt desperately sorry about it, it torments them and will do until their dying days. He was raised in exactly the same was as his siblings who are all thoroughly good, law abiding people. He's responsible for what he did, no one else.

They've never been able to turn their back on him and now as a mother myself, I do understand why. I don't think I could ever disown my children. That's what unconditional love is, isn't it. Anyone else, yes I could (and have!) but not my children.

I don't think I would ever disown them, no.
But I wouldn't defend them or cover things up.
I'd expect them to accept their punishment, but would support them to use that time to try to turn their lives around, make amends etc.
I'd visit them and would still want them to try and make the most of their lives.

@MsTSwift

I remember reading about a case where a cyclist was knocked off her bike raped then hit on the head with a brick and left for dead. The perpetrator was a local teenager. His parents handed him in to the police. That to me is bravery and decency.

As the parent of that teenager I'd be thinking he needed help that was beyond me, and hopefully in prison there would be professional help and the chance to rebuild their lives. I mean at the moment knowing my child its hard to imagine the same boy doing anything like that. So I'd imagine I'd feel guilty and also to blame. As a PP says though, I'd expect if you looked into his past, things were happening that built up to this crime. Help is hard to access until it is too late and someone had been seriously hurt.

I don't think anyone can honestly know what they would do, or how they would feel unless they experience this.

@Krook

I don't know what I would do in all honesty. Not quite the same obviously as her son is no longer alive but the mother of one of the Columbine 'shooters' speaks about her experience. She did a TED talk.

Certainly I remember one of the mothers in that case saying she thought that morning that something was up with her son, and she thought I'll talk to him tonight. Then he went off to school and did what he did. Awful. I can't remember, did they kill themselves as well?

No I wouldn’t

I also don’t believe that people are born evil

It’s not so clear cut that people who have high levels of psychopathy traits its biological and they are born that way but it’s easier for us to accept this

How many people who are diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder will have come from secure nurturing homes with no abuse/neglect

Bonds between a mother and her child are very strong. My late mother procured me to be abused as she'd done to her little sister and her mother had done to her. Both my aunt and I felt that she'd hated us. We both loved her. Daft or what?

What about your other children if they didn't want anything to do with the perpetrator?

My parents have friend's who adult son was guilty of something to do with on line chikd exploitation. Presumably buying images rather than creating them but what's the difference really? I know this because it was widely reported.

He still lives with his parents and his brother and sister will not have anything to do with him or their parents (they both have children of their own to protect).

So parents have stuck by peadophile son and lost their other children and grandchildren.

I would still love them because they are my kids, but I wouldn’t want to love them, I think that’s the difference.

I’d also be asking where I went wrong, even though it was their actions!

I spent a large portion at the beginning of career working with high level offenders both young people and adults. I can't honestly claim to be sure what I would do because I don't think anyone can be. From experience on the sidelines I've come up with this.

My love is unconditional but my presence is not. It would massively depend on what they had done. I will never stop loving DC but if by being there and visiting them they felt ot was condoning an awful action I may decide not to be. I would behind the scenes ensure they were housed and fed on release and safe. However this would have to be a huge huge evil action for them. Terrorism , serial killing.

I would instantly query what I had done to cause it and see how I could help rehabilitate. If I needed to seek counselling for them joint or single. I admit of course there are always exceptions and I have seen them but in the majority of cases there was something in childhood that triggered a slide in behaviour. Not necessarily parents but something they should have been protected from. I will be honest after a few years I found like other professionals you queried when the parents instantly claimed they had never stepped a foot wrong as parents and they had had a perfect childhood. Almost noone has had a perfect childhood and any parent who claims they have never made mistakes is lying to themselves. Every parent screws up and in that industry you learnt quickly that the ones who claimed to be a perfect parent were almost always hiding something.

It also depends on age. If they committed this at 15 or 16 that's on me at least partially. If they commit it at 35 that's a whole different ball game.

In all honesty though I can't be sure people behave in unpredictable ways and you can't predict.

I would never stop loving my dc but I would go no contact if they committed a vile crime. They have had a good upbringing and would have no reason to do so. So if they did it would be their choice and I wouldn't feel responsible for their behaviour.

It depends on the crime and if they show any remorse. If it's an act of impulsive or planned.

I also think their age & maturity when committing the crime is of importance.

With all the online games and schock type TV programmes a lot of criminal actions are "normalised".
So for me, there would be a lot to consider before I disown my own child while I am alive.
Remembering the DC in my will however is a totally different issue.

I can't remember, did they kill themselves as well?

They did.