Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Would you disown your kids for serious criminal activity?

90 replies

zenithfreedom · 21/05/2021 15:08

I'm not talking about drug crimes, stealing etc... I mean things like murder, rape, terrorism.

I was watching a documentary on the 'Hamburg Cell' of the 4 pilot 9/11 hijackers. One of the family members felt shame and refused to be interviewed.

I don't have kids myself yet but can't imagine how I'd feel if I learned that my son/daughter participated in the murder of thousands of people. What's worse is that even if you forgive them, people who know you would look at you differently.

This is what the mother of the Columbine shooter, Sue Klebold experienced

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/05/2021 22:50

@MissScotland101

Anyone heard of the Watts family murders? His mum told him in a released prison phone call that she “didn’t care” about him killing his pregnant wife because, and I quote “we know what she was like”Shock and he also killed their 2 little girls and blamed his wife for it, and in court then his mum got to give her victim impact statement and she told him that she forgave him! That takes unconditional love to a whole new level.
She's awful. She has dragged his wife's name through the mud since she was murdered by Chris Watts.

I especially can't fathom is as he murdered her grandchildren too.

Ugh that family are all kinds of fucked up and I see huge narcissistic traits.

They used their time in court to tell him they love and forgive him. Something they could have said privately but chose to say in court, on camera.

I don't know how they can sleep at night to be honest.

StarShapedWindow · 21/05/2021 22:58

No, I’d never disown my child. I’d hope to help them see why what they did was wrong. I’d feel I’d completely failed as a mother if I disowned one of my children.

DenisetheMenace · 21/05/2021 23:00

Honestly don’t know. I couldn’t just switch that off.

DenisetheMenace · 21/05/2021 23:00

Meant to say:
Honestly don’t know. I love them. Couldn’t just switch that off.

MsTSwift · 21/05/2021 23:50

It’s not unusual to be estranged from adult children I see it frequently professionally.

Think when they tiny it’s hard to comprehend though.

littlebillie · 21/05/2021 23:52

I you have read "we have to talk about Kevin" it deals with the family's reaction after violence.

Meruem · 22/05/2021 07:32

I knew the mum of a man who committed a very well known murder. She went through hell. The press hounded her. She lost her job, because the company didn’t want to be associated with it all. She had to move away to somewhere where no one knows who she is. What people don’t know is that she knew he had issues, tried to get him help for years in various ways. What her son did was awful, but she was the loveliest, sweetest woman you could ever meet. My heart broke for her.

Happylittlethoughts · 22/05/2021 21:43

Wondering what conversations you'd have with your child who rapes 2 year olds (see previous post) ... "How you feeling pet?" "Hope the food is good?"
How could you look at them without throwing up?

Happylittlethoughts · 22/05/2021 21:43

*Adult offspring in this case

Standrewsschool · 22/05/2021 21:50

I think I would be disappointed in them, but couldn’t disown them, although you wouldn’t know how you would react until you are in this situation.

Roodicus21 · 22/05/2021 21:52

I don't think I would ever disown them, but depends what the crime was and if they had shown remorse. I would always love them just not like their behaviour.

UpSlyDown · 22/05/2021 21:57

As long as my children are living I’d want to see them and be part of their lives. How on earth parents can be estranged from their children (when there hasn’t been a horrible crime) is beyond me. In my mind you’re a parent from the moment you see those blue lines until the day you die.

Mintjulia · 22/05/2021 22:08

There is a difference between disowning your child and being willing to discuss it with the media.

My son will always be my son, if he were imprisoned for something awful, I would still be there in the background supporting him if I could. I may be horrified by what he had done but he would always at least part reflect me, and so I would be in part responsible.

Standrewsschool · 22/05/2021 22:27

“There is a difference between disowning your child and being willing to discuss it with the media.”

I agree. I wouldn’t want to discuss it either. You can feel ashamed if someone, and not want to discuss it, but still not disown your child. (And some people don’t like being on tv anyway).

Stompythedinosaur · 22/05/2021 22:33

No, there is literally nothing my dc could do to stop me loving them.

Changechangychange · 22/05/2021 22:36

There is a difference between disowning your child and being willing to discuss it with the media

I cannot imagine any circumstances in which I would want to discuss my child with the media. Even if it was something really positive, like he’d just cured cancer.

NotMyDayJob · 22/05/2021 23:40

I'm not sure if it's the same but we have a family member who didn't commit major terrible crimes (terrorism etc) but did do some really awful things while under the influence of a really quite extreme drug problem. He's not been disowned as such but the affected family members have had to go completely no contact, firstly for their own safety, and secondly for the safety of young family members. They've not done anything to the young family members but they could in the future under the influence of drugs, it's just too big a risk to take. It's very sad because it's the drugs but the things they did to the family were just too awful.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/05/2021 23:57

@UpSlyDown

As long as my children are living I’d want to see them and be part of their lives. How on earth parents can be estranged from their children (when there hasn’t been a horrible crime) is beyond me. In my mind you’re a parent from the moment you see those blue lines until the day you die.
I think that was the OP's query though - what people would do if there was a horrible crime the child / adult child committed.

There are some crimes e.g. child abuse that would mean I grieved the loss of the person I thought my child was, but would not feel able to have any relationship with them anymore. It would be more like they had passed away in that I couldn't reconcile them with being a person I love.

VienneseWhirligig · 23/05/2021 00:03

I did jury service last year and the mother of one of the defendants was in court every day, and vowed to visit him in prison as often as she was allowed to. He was convicted of a really disturbing murder and sex crimes, he admitted he had murdered the woman (but was claiming diminished responsibility) so she was under no illusions that he was innocent (and he had manipulated her into disposing of evidence so she ended up being arrested, although not charged). I don't know how I would react if DS had done similar but she was a broken woman, it was hard to watch her giving evidence.

Messedupneedchocolatenow · 23/05/2021 00:11

@EveningOverRooftops

It would depend.

Rape, sexual assault, pedophilia. Absolutely get the fuck out of my life. Honestly that sort of violation of another humans body is unforgivable. And I’m certain there’s research that shows sexually abused kids don’t go on to be sexually abusive adult (I am one of the kids that never became an abusive adult)

Everything else can go either way. Murder can be premeditated or heat of the moment/self defence.

We see young teens groomed into terrorist groups, gangs and drug crimes. We see them go into it willingly.

Age and any difficulties would need to be taken into account too. As well as the situation.

I do think of Shamima Begum reading this.what was behind her willingly getting involved with ISIS?
Castlepeak · 23/05/2021 00:20

I wouldn’t disown my child for anything. However, sometimes loving a child means doing hard things like providing evidence to the police even as you make sure your child has good legal representation because they should get a fair trial.

es1rever · 23/05/2021 00:22

Yes I would disown if it was a truly despicable sick crime.
And I would be extremely judgmental of a person who chose to stand by a paedophile / terrorist / rapist knowing what they'd done. Some things are unforgivable.

HollowTalk · 23/05/2021 00:39

@NewMatress

if my children try to twist their lovely middle class up bringing into some sob story I won’t be feeling guilty.

If that's genuinely what they had, it's highly unlikely you'll end up in this situation. Honestly, among the teens in work with, once you know their stories, you never coem across one and think "well how did this happen?". There's always something, usually trauma, most often multiple trauma. Some have outwardly nice lives but once you know the full background it makes you want to cry every time, even though we're hardened to it. Really really sad stories for the teens and their victims.

Do you remember Brian Blackwell though? He was bright, attractive, middle class, privately educated... He murdered his parents and went on holiday with his girlfriend and their credit cards.
MsTSwift · 23/05/2021 00:43

I remember reading about a case where a cyclist was knocked off her bike raped then hit on the head with a brick and left for dead. The perpetrator was a local teenager. His parents handed him in to the police. That to me is bravery and decency.

HollowTalk · 23/05/2021 00:43

[quote LibbyKate]**@NewMatress* and @MrsPsmalls*, slightly off topic, but is it possible to volunteer in some way with teens or young people who are troubled or need help? It’s something that I’ve always been really interested in doing. Thank you Smile[/quote]
They really need expert help, though. If they are manipulative then you might make things worse.