Just had a good cry - those who have it all

[ROZ12]

Hi all

I’m a single mum usually happy person but today my daughter who is 18 got her first job rejection and I just broke down. I never cry and happy as I am And grateful for what I have. It’s just when I hear about my friends who have it all-amazing Hubbie , kids , house , great job etc etc ( which I usually push to the back of my head) and something doesn’t go right for me - for instance my daughter not doing well at school or today’s bad news - I seem breakdown. I’m usually a strong person, escaped an abusive relationship, got a good job I’m happy in and bought my own place - have a great family and few friends. Just annoyed at myself for breaking down today, I guess I just wish I had it all too.

Anyone relate ? Ever think why am I not like them with their amazing lives ?

Op I don’t have any answers but sending you a huge hug.

I’ve been plain all my life and never in any “in” crowd and my kids both have issues at school. I don’t think it’s us, just that the cards fall as they fall!

I think it is easy to feel envious of so called "winners" .I think we see so many of these so called "perfect" families on You tube ,SM and in RL that we think everyone is like this! Many many people are struggling along ATM.They just dont post pictures on SM ,of them collecting food from the food Bank /going to charity shops and so on .There is a well known saying "comparison is the thief of happiness" used on here a lot and its true.Concentrate on your little one for the moment .You have done very well to escape abuse ,and your DD is like many many other children of an average ability .Maybe have a look for some other single mums ,different friends? friends of mine have very different children .As long as you are happy and safe and you have a job you enjoy ,Start looking forward .DD will be finding it hard to get a job at present as will many people its no refection on you!

@overnightangel

Comparison is the thief of joy

This really is the core of it. It is incredibly easy to take a snapshot of someone's life and make a negative comparison.

Whether your life is or isn't 'better' is irrelevant. It is how you have dealt with it. Sounds like you've been amazing. Also your daughter may be struggling now but this isn't her path for life. Give yourself a break and celebrate the achievements.
If the sadness is more profound then maybe a trip to the GP is worth considering.

I am successful and the biggest, toughest, most useful skill I ever developed is resilience. My DM died when I was in 6th form that threw my a levels and Uni applications out of the window for a couple of years but I got there in the end.

Most people need to fail at some point to develop as a person.

As a single parent you must have tremendous resilience and strength of character. Your daughter will have seen you pick yourself up time and again and keep going because you had to - no matter how hard it was. If she can learn from you the ability to keep going after setbacks that will be more valuable in the long run than any superficially perfect life.

You put your daughter through private school? Wow! That's a hell of an achievement!
I think you are comparing yourself to the 1%ers. Most people can't afford private school so you are immersed in a world that is very privileged. If you were to look down the you would see you are head and shoulders above and would feel more appreciative.
You also have great family. I really wish I had this. There are probably a lot of people who you are jealous of who don't have this. This is something we carry with us but you wouldn't see.
I reckon most of us would like the perfect set up that you describe but it is not normal to have all of that and you really won't know about the pressure, stress and family problems that are so private but make people so unhappy.

I have so many friends going through crap times but we all post the positive on Instagram and FB.

So many people I know with the perfect house etc have divorced and had to move further away into smaller houses or flat or nearer their family for support.

Some of my friends have really nasty or boring husbands or wives so it's really not all that, never what it seems.

Nearly all DC spend hours on their phones or gaming etc it's just the norm now tbh. Smartphones are like carrying around your home with you like a snail, most of us would be lost without them really.

I'm really impressed that all by yourself you managed to put your DD through private school.

Some people just take a while to find what it is they're going to be good at. I struggled at school for all sorts of reasons and it took me quite a long time to find my way as an adult. But now I have a career I love so, so much and a great family and husband. There were SO MANY points along the way where it seemed utterly desperate though.

I haven't been a single mum so I really don't know if I'm talking out my arse here but it sounds like you're lonely - maybe not lonely exactly, but if there's a problem with my DD, for instance, I'd be talking it through with my partner and working out what to do and I think if I didn't have that I'd be looking out more. I had a crap upbringing and have often looked out at my friends and families I see around to get signals as to how to be a good parent, if you see what I mean. But DH had a nice upbringing so I can also look to him. So I think I get why you're comparing your circumstances to others? Though we all do that a bit anyway.

Often those who look like everything is perfect have issues we can't see, but you know that. It does genuinely sound like you have worked so, so hard to make your lives better and so any knockback will feel so personal. I hope you can look at what you've done and see all the achievements that we can.

Hi there. I think there are a few things going on here ( eg wanting good opportunities for your daughter which is natural / some anxieties about reduced opportunities when you compare with the wealth and networking opportunities with some of her cohort ) What I would say is try not to compare your family life unfavourably with that of others because this is not helpful to you. Instead I would focus on the good things that you have done and are doing for your daughter. I don’t know you but from your post you come across as someone who cares deeply about your daughter. So remind yourself that you have done many good things for her in her life ( perhaps reading to her when she was young, taking her to interesting places, giving her time and attention etc ). Sometimes it’s good for young people to face rejection and failure as they need to learn to overcome these things. If you continue to support and encourage her you will be doing her a lot of good as she goes through life. Feeling that someone cares deeply about you and your needs hopes and ambitions is an invaluable thing. You are definitely providing that.

"Comparison is the thief of joy."

Never was a truer word said. You have no idea how dreadfully unhappy some of the people you think have it all likely are. I guarantee you. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

I'm happier since I focused on doing things I enjoy, and enjoying what I have. And my life has improved in various ways since I stopped comparing what I have and just enjoying the ride of the life.

She’s only 18. Plenty of people with 1st class degrees get job rejection after job rejection. Your dramatic reaction will only make your DD worse.

I can relate to all the single mum posts too. Especially the holiday one! This was a few years back when I took my DS away on holiday on my own for the first time I think we were 27 and 6...I had no idea what to expect either and we did stand out sometimes but I just threw myself into playing with him and being a friend/mum which has helped me through a lot as i've never managed to get into a nice stable relationship since ending things with my son's dad years ago. So i've been friend, mum and dad. Now DS is 11 and when we look back at the photo's of that trip he remembers it as being fantastic, he loved the caravan, the pool/park and he did make friends and the kids clubs helped too and he was actually quite a shy little boy. So often the way we feel and interpret situations isn't the way the little ones will.
I also 100% agree with the fact that looking from the outside in to what appear to be 'perfect' families just isn't true. I thought that of one of my son's friends, two lovely parents, 3 boys, super smart, nice house, cars, holidays, hobbies (posh instruments too) football/judo the works. Turns out the eldest was refusing to go to school and was seeing a child psychologist, the middle child has been attacked by the eldest more than once and is just the loveliest little boy (he's here pretty often as it's a much quieter/calmer household) the youngest is just a terror of a child at 4yrs old and is already openly swearing, the mum has reduced work due to a burn-out and is constantly back and forth to 'silent-retreats' whatever they are?? and she HAS the 'lovely husband...' who really is lovely! And they are considering getting a DOG, crazyyy! So no matter how much support you do have your own personal situation is always 'yours' to deal with. We know plenty of patchwork families and my two best friends here have both gone through divorces. And my best friend is happily single without any children, most grounded stress-free person i know actually.
Took me a LONG time to get to where I am emotionally but I truly am happy as a single mum, sure a relationship would be nice but for now I appreciate my son, our little dog and the life the two of us have made. You have to see yourself as a success and your life as a great achievement. So many people are in relationships for the sake of not being alone as they wouldn't be mentally strong enough to achieve what you have. They aren't happy!
I think with your daughter all you can do is be there and be open. I think it's easier to feel the emotions they are going through more intensely as the bond is so close with just being the two of you. Same for me as well. This won't be the only job and it may give you a chance to find out what it is that she really does enjoy and can see herself sticking at, there isn't much point in getting a job just for the sake of it as this likely won't hold her interest. What does she watch on youtube is it anything that she could look to do herself or get involved with?

Wow didn’t expect such support - big hugs to all.

Btw I did not cry in front of my dd not did I show her my feelings . I told her to stay positive and told her how I’ve been rejected and happy that Happened as then I wouldn’t have found the job I love now.

Also I cams off Facebook years ago on purpose, all I see is in real life but as I said I avoid social events - sad really before my divorce I was very sociable.

Maybe you should look at therapy if this is impacting your life so much you're avoiding socialising and making yourself so unhappy over it.

Other people have more and different experiences and aptitudes, you need to learn to accept and enjoy what you do have and your considerable achievements.

Yes i've been there two and played gooseberry many times or altogether avoided going to events. I really can't say how or when it changed but for some reason I don't care anymore. If I want to go somewhere with friends who ALL have bf's joining i'll go but two years ago i wouldn't have dreamed about going. I think it comes down to how you view yourself and your situation if you see it as being worse off or not as good as your friends then this is how it will come across but if you forget that mindset and realise no one cares their all just happy your there, then you are much freer and being a single mum or single in general doesn't define who you are. I remember a work friend said to me that they forget i'm single as it just isn't something they focus on when they think about me. For me for a long time it was ALL i thought about myself which is why i was stopping myself from joining events, i was the only one actually judging me! Funny!

Yanbu, I don't known what the answer is but I'm going through similar. Everyone else seems to have it all. I'm the only one still renting, low income, DH job stopped due to covid, I've not even managed to pass my driving licence.... I see them at weekends doing family stuff whereas I'm by myself with DC as DH is back at work part time now weekends. My DC have less chances to try new things because we don't have the money for it.

But this is really nothing to do with the others, it's just things I need to sort out in my own life. My friends are very open about their lives and I know they are struggling with other things so I'm aware their lives are not perfect.

Volunteering - I can't emphasize how much this can help - local communities are now opening -
My dd is bright but has ASD so for her interviews were a major hurdle & of course she had no work experience. I didn't think it was healthy for her to nothing to do - so (I had to work with her more than you might do for your dd because of her ASD) I approached: the local library, local CAB, local volunteer centre & local theatre & we arrange for her to a day volunteering in each place - the volunteer placement was office based & ... the job she finally got related to the type of work she did in this organisation. (She worked for about 4 hours in each placement & it gave her confidence & helped her social development)
(She had been trying to get work & we had got specialized job searching support because of her ASD but she hadn't got any where)
I am not suggesting you do the same but I do think its a way of getting experience in different fields which might help her cv, give her alternative ideas about her future career, keep her busy & help her mental health, & she might get a better idea of how to approach & answer interviews
Very few young people get the first jobs they apply for -even young people with good degrees or college qualifications may have difficulty getting their first jobs, its quite normal, your daughter may need help with her cv & interview skills - I think she needs to look on line to see if she can get some advice

To anyone I don't know well who's looking at my life from the outside I probably seem to have it all. If they knew what we've gone through privately they'd never swap. Rarely is what you see the reality.
It's easy to say I know but focus on yourself and your daughter and appreciate your health and the happiness you have. There will always be some setbacks, especially for teens entering the world of work at the moment. It's very tough for them and it's ok to be fed up about it.

This is probably fairly outing to anyone who knows me. I’ve been happily married for over twenty five years (married at 23.) I have three amazing children, two in their teens and DS who is 25 and a successful engineer who recently bought his own home.
I have a brand new Volvo sitting outside (mine, not my husband’s) and have no mortgage on a house in a sought after area within the catchment of a fantastic school.
I haven’t eaten a meal for five years, I survive on baby food and have a feeding line put in when things get really bad and have had four massive life saving operations (twice ending up on life support.) I will never be able to have a drink again with DH and friends and I’ll be very fortunate to see my teens reach adulthood. I don’t speak about my health outside of a very small circle (immediate family and four close friends) so most looking in would probably envy my life. Even when you know someone well you still don’t have a full picture.
I feel fortunate to just be here (I know this isn’t life Top Trumps,) changing your perspective of what I have to be grateful for has helped me immensely. I know many with my condition let it become their whole existence and are so full of woe they miss out on the life they do have.

That is very brave and kind of you to share @Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow

Crying is important. It's a spontaneous non-verbal expression of powerful emotion. It is not a sign of weakness.

I think it's interesting that your tears broke through when something bad happened to your daughter. You are able to cry for her disappointment and rejection but try to ignore the pain and loss you have suffered yourself. That's sad. You matter just as much as she does. Try and care for yourself as much as you do for her.

You sound like a wonderful mum and a brave woman who has achieved a lot in your life. I hope that your daughter gets a job she loves soon.

@ThePlantsitter

I used to be very honest with people about the ways in which my life was difficult - not moaning but kind of 'keeping it real' - and often it would provoke others into sharing too, but even if it did I felt that after they had shared they would go back to their perfect life surface appearance and treat me as if I was a wounded dog or something because I was prepared to be honest. So I don't do it any more, I keep things positive which is I think what most people do and why they seem to have perfect lives.

On the other hand, in the kindest way, this rejection belongs to your daughter not you. She is allowed to be upset about it for a while but then try again because that's what every successful person you meet has done even if it doesn't look like it. Even those people who go from privileged position to privileged position experience it eventually and tbh the later it happens the less equipped they are to deal with it. I hope this is the slant you are giving it to your daughter and not the fact that you have taken her rejection as a reflection of YOU.

This phenomenon is my experience too. It deserves its own thread. I want to keep it real and I do, and my life is ok so no horrendous oversharing but I think "vulnerability" makes people warm to those they thiught were perfect. If they didnt perceive you as perfect to start with, then sharingvany vulnerability repel people :-/ Even if you aren't depressed about it.
All the advice to be vulnerable, be real, I do now exercise caution with that.

@Confusedandshaken

Awh thanks she is my world .

I don't want to sound harsh as i really think my son is my world too but over the past few years i have been making more room for myself as well as being his mum. New hobby for me and finding a better fitness regime (which i do from home). I found it really helped bringing these two things into my life because i felt like me again. Not sure whether this is something for you to consider. As i'm sure you're daughters got her friends circle and is independent in that sense? Perhaps given its 'in-keeping with the rules' you may meet some people in the same boat as 'us' you can relate to more...sometimes getting out of your comfort zone is so difficult but ultimately worth it. Hope you're feeling a little lighter!

Like others have said its never as simple as it seems. I've been married , I've been a single mum , and now I have been with DP for nearly 5 years. In those times I've moved between having lots of money and a senior job and shiny things to being afraid of being homeless and back again.

I can't say I've always dealt with it with grace and calm and in fact right now we are facing an issue that is causing huge anxiety. I have a friend that always is convinced we have this perfect high flying lifestyle and we don't. I remember all too clearly the loneliness of being a single mum but I also remember the loneliness of being in a bad marriage.

Everyone has their stuff. Really they do. And if they don't its in their past or around the corner. Very very few people have a perfect life forever.

I've had so many upsets and heartaches that I'm always waiting for the next thing to go wrong ! I envy those that don't have that worry.