Just had a good cry - those who have it all

[ROZ12]

Hi all

I’m a single mum usually happy person but today my daughter who is 18 got her first job rejection and I just broke down. I never cry and happy as I am And grateful for what I have. It’s just when I hear about my friends who have it all-amazing Hubbie , kids , house , great job etc etc ( which I usually push to the back of my head) and something doesn’t go right for me - for instance my daughter not doing well at school or today’s bad news - I seem breakdown. I’m usually a strong person, escaped an abusive relationship, got a good job I’m happy in and bought my own place - have a great family and few friends. Just annoyed at myself for breaking down today, I guess I just wish I had it all too.

Anyone relate ? Ever think why am I not like them with their amazing lives ?

There will always be someone in a better position and someone in a worse one.
It’s hard to recognise when we’re in the weeds of our life. I recognise and mostly accept that we’re an average family with average skills. Lots of things cause unhappiness to me, but how my kids are doing isn’t one of them. They might not be A students but my son has just come in and shown me some art he does during downtime at school (when he should be finishing work ) and it’s amazing. His younger brother even complemented him and they’re normally jerks to each other.

Some might look at us and think we have it all... but we just have different things from them.... and in reality I have years of unemployment, a deceased child, a neurologically different child, an unhappy marriage, I live somewhere I hate and not much to look forward to.

I may look to some like I have a pretty good life. Senior job, lovely husband. People don't know that I took this job because of the money and because my chronic pain means I can't do the technical work I'm qualified for so I manage it instead. The stress is killing me, possibly literally, but I can't quit as I'm the breadwinner as my husband has health problems, including a history of suicide attempts. Everyone has stuff going on that they don't talk about.

Handhold for you, OP, because you seem cheerful otherwise, and sometimes we need a dose of sympathy to help us rise after a setback.

Your DD will find a job if she persists. I know someone who got her present job after applying for it NINE TIMES. Yes, that one particular job took her nine attempts! Another young person I know has just got into the army on his third attempt. There must be some short courses your daughter could do to get some quick and useful quals, such as coffee and food prep certificates, or MS Office proficiency.

As PPs have said, people's fabulous facades might be hiding a litany of sadness and failure. On the flipside, some people might seem less enviable but are actually doing all right. People look at me and see an isolated, bereaved single mum in poorly paid work. But I own my house in a good area, and DD goes to a great school and has heaps of friends. Whoever looks down on me for not having loadsamoney (XILs, for example) isn't seeing how I really live.

Sounds like you're having a bit of a pity party....which is fine, we're all allowed to feel sorry for ourselves but it becomes unhealthy if you always dwell on the negative.
Your friends will all have their own issues- no one is content all the time but comparing won't make your life any better.
Focus on all the things you can be proud of and that means your own achievements. You seem to be judging yourself by your daughter's. It was one job, I've been rejected from loads! It's all part of the process and something better will come along.
I'm sure things will look better after a cry and a sleep.

This all sounds self-indulgent to me.

And I think bursting out crying when your daughter found out she hadn’t got through to the CS role is a crappy thing to do to your daughter. Taking rejections is a normal part of job searching- modelling resilience is the best thing you can do for your daughter. That, and practical steps to help her improve her applications for next time. It sounds like you make everything about you and your feelings.

And that saying, ‘Comparison is the thief of joy’, so much truth in it.

You’re spending so much time envying others that you’re forgetting to appreciate what you do have. And honestly, your life sounds pretty good to me!

Comparison is the thief of joy

Sorry you are feeling down at the moment OP. I think it's natural to feel envious of others - I know I do but for different reasons - but you are doing a great job with you daughter and your situation so hang in there. Tomorrow's another day and life is full of ups and downs.

And yes, it is hurtful to compare ourselves to others, try not to just for your own mental health.

X

ROZ12, you have done superbly, rescuing yourself and DD from an abuser, building a good life for the two of you and being a shining example to her.

Sending hugs to you and Skodia and others who are having a hard time. Best wishes for good times ahead.

The reality is that a good half ot he supposedly happily married families aren't in fact all that happy they are just going along with it. Most have to overcompromise on certain families and are just making do.

In addition there are very few soulmates out there so marriage is in fact hard work with much adapting needed. It is mainly the material benefits and looking the part and in theory better for any children that give the institution kudos. I don't tend to believe or go by any veneer of a happily married couple.

I think you are being hard on yourself.

You are breaking down because you are worried about your dd, this is not really about anyone else. Your dd has mental health issues, is needing to take a year out and you are rightly concerned for her if you don't feel she can cope with an interview. How much support are you both getting with this? What is the long term plan?

It is a worry having children growing up anyway, bigger still, on your own and magnify by a 100 if they are struggling in some way.

If your friends constantly pretend to play 'happy families', I suggest there is no honesty or transparency in your friendships, and you might feel happier with more genuine connections.

I would like to add many couples are happily married, but they will have their own worries maybe different from yours, being married does not spirit away all stress though, but I accept it is someone to share the load with. Your post indicates a lack of general support.

I’m hoping this is just a bad day and not how you feel most days. You really do need to believe that most people don’t ‘have it all’.

We probably look like we ‘have it all from the outside’. We live in a lovely four bed, three story new’ish build. We’ve been married 18 years, two children who excel in their chosen sports. I was made redundant earlier this year but walked into a better job etc. This is what the majority of people see, even most of my friends.

I have a very small circle of friends that actually know, we lost our house in the 2008 crash, this one we’ve lived in since is rented, as the mortgage company sold our old house through a normal estate agent so people had no idea and we were too embarrassed to tell people. We are happily married but we’ve certainly had our up’s & down’s but we don’t show that to anyone else as I don’t want people to see the bad parts and think any differently of us. My kids are hugely successful at sports, one is average at school the other is struggling massively and has lots of interventions in place, he’s also recently had ASD/ADHD diagnosis, but as he masks amazingly well, not many people know this and it’s not my place to share unless he wants to.

My point being is that even with close friends, they will all have problems behind closed doors. Everyone has bad points and bad days. Concentrate on the good.

Op you genuinely sound like a good mum.

Your dd will be fine. She has you. My dd has just been rejected for her dream job, one that she would be amazing at, and has worked towards for years. It is blooming unfair. I had a little cry in private, my dd has no idea. My role now is to support my dd to think about other careers, when she is ready to.

Keep on being a good mum, and think about all that you have achieved.

i promise they are all spending hours on youtube and tik tok. i tried desperately to instil a love of reading. We did everything to the letter as we loved reading at bed time, doing the reading books and i set an example as I have permanently got a book on the go and we certainly never any shortage of books to choose from but now they shut themselves in their room and stay glued to their phones . Please don't be hard on yourself. My eldest got several rejections when looking for a saturday job, i am sure it has helped her understand the real world better.

[quote ROZ12]@Sarahsteedman

I realise that everyone has rubbish days and only boast about the good but what these friends have is evident, as I’ve been to their houses, seen their kids doing well at the top grammar schools and their wealth /partners . They don’t talk about it it’s visual .[/quote]
Have you seen their bank balances? They might be really struggling with eye watering debts etc. You also never know what goes on with 'perfect marriages' behind closed doors. I've met people functioning quite highly (on the surface) with domestic abuse, or very awful mental illness or alcoholism going on underneath.

That said, it is difficult when you feel everyone else has it easier or better somehow. If you get like this quite often perhaps refer yourself for some CBT?

Ah she'll probably have more fun working in a high street shop or in a bar/club anyway OP!
18 is soooo young and she hasn't even begun to have her chance to shine yet. Keep bigging her up and stay upbeat.

My DH’s family would seem like this to you and all their friends too. Wealthy, dad had great job, mum worked renovating houses, kids all in grammar schools. They produced doctor, mathematician and “civil servant” (highly paid position but can’t say what in but MoD is close). Their family is so fucked up. DH has so many issues he’s been in therapy, but I hear how his mum still posts on Facebook about XYZ when DH hasn’t spoken to her in 6 months. It’s not what it appears OP.

My friend sobbed her heart out when I told her I was getting a divorce. She thought I'd been happy. No one knew, including me, about the debt, the other women, the lies, or the fact he'd just been arrested for child abuse.

I hate being a single parent. I feel judged. I'm a lunch date / coffee friend, but never the evening invitation. I feel pressured to ensure my children succeed, its so hard to let them make their own mistakes, but that's how they learn.

I often think I'd like the support of being in a relationship, but, it is what it is. We never know what realy goes on behind closed doors. I never knew what was going on behind my own.

You're allowed to be sad sometimes. Especially when it relates to your DC having a tough time. Nothing makes us sadder. There's silly pressure to seem joyful all the time. We have a range of emotions to express the ups and downs of life. You have every right to express them.

I hope your daughter gets an even better job soon.

Other people's lives aren't what they seem - it's very easy to presume that other people are happier - they will have their own but different problems . Lots of 18 year olds don't get the first job they apply for. You sound like you've lost a bit of perspective.

I often wonder how some people have all the good fortune and some get all the shit, I guess that's life and it's unfair. My lovely mum (who is very poorly with dementia) always said never envy anyone as no one knows what's round the corner. Struggling single mum here too with daughter on ASD pathway, I take to heart all her friendship issues and watch her in the park trying to make friends while all the other NT kids have a whale of a time.

I can't help wondering if your daughter is struggling, and knows only too well that you think she's "lazy".

You also can't use your child's achievements to prove to yourself that you've made it, it's just not fair.

Feel free to have a pity day, but please, when you're feeling a bit stronger, have a look at how you talk about yourself and your daughter. As others have said, you've come a long way, and I don't care how well you think you know these other people you don't.

At a bbq with 6 other families, statistically, someone is going to be on the verge of divorce, someone could be dealing with domestic abuse, one of the children could be abused. People are very very good at keeping secrets.

Meanwhile, I will agree that it's easier to be miserable when you're wealthy, anyone who says money can't buy you happiness isn't exactly wrong, but it sure as hell makes misery easier.

OP, I know many people that ‘have it all’, their lives look really hectic and stressful, I don’t think they are all happy.

Like you I am a single mum, I have 2 teen DD’s, both with autism, I’m unsure if either will ever be offered a job, it does upset me but I also value everything with have and I try not to think about what we don’t have. I’m pretty happy with my life, I have a rubbish part time job, not much money and I live in a council house, I plan on finding a better job after the summer holidays, there are things we can do to improve our lives.

I’m sure your dd will find a job, it’s a hard time for job hunting at the moment (post covid) and she will probably have to apply for quite a few before getting one.

People only show us what they want us to see, the happy posts on Facebook showing how perfect their life looks, happy holiday pictures, the awards their kids get at school, of course no one shows the bad stuff, the abusive husband, the child that gets in trouble at school. No ones life is perfect.