Just had a good cry - those who have it all

[ROZ12]

Hi all

I’m a single mum usually happy person but today my daughter who is 18 got her first job rejection and I just broke down. I never cry and happy as I am And grateful for what I have. It’s just when I hear about my friends who have it all-amazing Hubbie , kids , house , great job etc etc ( which I usually push to the back of my head) and something doesn’t go right for me - for instance my daughter not doing well at school or today’s bad news - I seem breakdown. I’m usually a strong person, escaped an abusive relationship, got a good job I’m happy in and bought my own place - have a great family and few friends. Just annoyed at myself for breaking down today, I guess I just wish I had it all too.

Anyone relate ? Ever think why am I not like them with their amazing lives ?

I used to feel like this but after psychotherapy settled, a few years later i decided to change my mindset. I recommend carole s pearson the archetypes within.
I had over identifiedwith orphan. I needed to bring out warrior. I did the exercises and i was conscious from then on of when i had the opportunity to take the brave choice or the safe choice.

Over identifying with Orphan is not bad, and it's exactly what you need when you need to heal. I also read in that book that saving saving saving is a common Orphan mindset and i had done that. So, orphan mindset is not bad per se.

X

Maybe an apprenticeship would suit her? Especially if she got into a trade, she could end up making really good money and not have to be particularly academic.

Not everyone is academic, she needs to follow something that appeals to her and plays to her strengths.

@lovemusic33 im a single working parent to two teenagers as well. One with PDA which is a spectrum disorder. One thing i have not missed during covid is the endless parade of photos on fb showing off people's wonderful (hmm?) husbands, holiday destinations, new houses, beautiful successful polished looking friends and families !

Covid gave me a break from fomo

Playing to your strengths is great advice @Roz12

Iam hoping my 15 year old might be able for an apprenticeship

No one has it all. We are all human, we all suffer. Happiness is not related to material gain either; it’s far more complex than that. People who “have it all” are not necessarily any happier than anyone else, including you. You sound like a strong person & you’ve made a good life for yourself.

Don’t fall into the trap of comparison - it’s a futile & pointless exercise. You don’t know what complications those seemingly “have it all” people are experiencing. Focus more on you and your daughter. Don’t be too hard on yourself for feeling tearful sometimes; we all have times like that; it’s part of life.

[quote Selkie1961]@lovemusic33 im a single working parent to two teenagers as well. One with PDA which is a spectrum disorder. One thing i have not missed during covid is the endless parade of photos on fb showing off people's wonderful (hmm?) husbands, holiday destinations, new houses, beautiful successful polished looking friends and families !

Covid gave me a break from fomo[/quote]
I agree, I think covid gave some people a insight into what life is like for some of us, being a parent to kids with sn’s is pretty lonely as is being a single parent. Being in lockdown didn’t make a huge difference to us, made things slightly harder but life is always isolating.

Well you know, in many respects, I have it all too OP but my parents were miserable as hell and my dad is an absolute disgrace, an abusive nasty bellend who hates his own kids although we’re kind attentive children. We had money and private education and a brilliant mum but everything else was crap.

My one criticism of my mum is-: she should have left my dad 15 years before she did: - you did that which is incredible!

And I too get upset when I see happy families sometimes! Even though I have one of my own!

@ROZ12 thank you . I have been in this situation before when much younger and life did improve. I just never expected to be here again. I am lucky really as I have my own home and a decent job . DS who is waiting for ADHD assessment has amazingly finished college with a qualification despite all that’s happened to us. But he has the mental scars of what his dad did. We will get there in the end . Good luck to all those struggling.

I think you're worrying far too much. Some of my friends who went to top class universities are earning less than some who haven't got a degree. It isn't always about academic achievements. I do think it is important to develop resilience however and I am sure that she will be rejected on a number of occasions throughout her life and once she accepts it she will be able to create more of her own luck by going outside her comfort zone and challenging herself.

Just read that you escaped an abusive relationship as well (as me). I could have written this. Im always fine too, good humoured, but definitely felt harder hit by the knock backs life dealt me.

Im back in therapy again. It felt like a bit of an indulgence this time but im glad i decided to do it.

I went in wanting to be made stronger, better, more impervious, more confident. And she has persuaded me slowly that the way to get there is by being kinder to yourself. Acknowledging that things can be hard.

Now she is telling me about practical steps in therapy and i am only on the cusp of
learning how to apply these strategies. Ie accepting "this is a difficult piece of news for me".
And instead of feeling "nothing ever goes right for me" work at distancing yourself from these thoughts. Say to yourself instead "i notice im thinking that nothing ever goes right" instead of "nothing ever goes right".
Im really new to this but i feel excited. Google The Observant Self and Cognitive Difusion. It's interesting and just what i need now, and i think you could be the same

Ps last post, check out Chris Germer self compassion meditations on youtube. He has suchva good one where after meditation he slowly builds you up to figuring out what short message you'd give to a friend in your shoes, and then by the end of the meditatiin you are as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend. Xx i love that one.

I’m not sure if it’s just me but as a single mum sometimes I feel really lucky. After also escaping an abusive relationship, whilst on days out or holidays with the kids, I often notice men being awful to their partners or embarrassing them. Whilst with my ex I was always on egg shells whilst out and about worrying about how he would show me up with next. I now enjoy taking the kids away alone, we are truly happy together.

I digress though. You need to look at the positives. You have a good job, own your own house, and managed to put your child through private school. That’s massive for a lot of people on here. Your daughter may be on her phone and her MH issues may be part of her youth. I bet she will do well. Good luck x

If it makes you feel better, you have the life I dream of. From where I am, you do have it all.

You are an amazing person. Look at what you’ve overcome and what you’ve achieved all on your own. Many people could not have done what you’ve done. Of course you’re upset for your daughter, because you’re an awesome mum and you’re used to protecting her from hurt. Try not to think of your daughter not bring right for the job and more like the job wasn’t right for her. There’s something out there for her and if she has a fraction of your spirit she’ll go far

I think it's a sign of what a great mum you are that you're feeling for your child in this way. We're doing ok now but that feeling of having nothing and no-one to fall back on never leaves you, I don't think.
Those internships are very competitive but she's putting herself out there and I wish her the very best.

You are allowed to be sad sometimes, and envious, and proud, and happy, and the whole gamut of emotions... Once having coffee with my neighbour I said I envied xyz... she laughed and said, but you know I envy abc.. .

most of us are just muddling along through life somewhere in between disaster and joy.

Dd didn't get her first job she applied for, she did get the sixth. Was the first thing she ever felt she had "failed" at, so we had plenty of emotion here, but a big chance to learn that even if you , and everyone around you, think you are ideal and the job is made for you... sometimes life is not like that... have a cry, get up and try again - like everyone else who applied and DIDN'T get it (you rarely get just one, singular applicant for a popular job, there may be 50 kids sat round crying, and one who is happy, she may not yet realise that)

People boast about certain aspects of their life to distract you from the shit parts!

For example, my MIL would tell everyone who listened about her daughter's amazing job (but avoid the alcoholism and subsequent rehab) about her son & DIL's 3 amazing kids (but not their fertility struggle or marriage issues)

My DM brought me up alone and put me through private school, but always felt too self conscious to attend any parent events, because she was the "only" single parent - even though there were many parents who attended alone due to partner's work or whatever.

On the outside, I probably look like I have it all - SAHM by choice, lovely house, etc but I would give it all away if I could spend another day with my DM who died 3 months before I got married.

I completely understand the sentiment. I don’t feel envious of others and am actually very happy in many ways with a house, job I enjoy and financial security.

At the same time I’m a single mum to an ASD DC and it occasionally hits me that he’s never going to have an easy ride in life, no matter what I do for him. Also that I’ll be actively and solo parenting forever. I’d love to be able to just relax and watch a film and have a chat with him like most parents can, but it’s unlikely to happen.

I don’t want anyone else’s life, but there are aspects of mine that will always carry sadness.

I used to be very honest with people about the ways in which my life was difficult - not moaning but kind of 'keeping it real' - and often it would provoke others into sharing too, but even if it did I felt that after they had shared they would go back to their perfect life surface appearance and treat me as if I was a wounded dog or something because I was prepared to be honest. So I don't do it any more, I keep things positive which is I think what most people do and why they seem to have perfect lives.

On the other hand, in the kindest way, this rejection belongs to your daughter not you. She is allowed to be upset about it for a while but then try again because that's what every successful person you meet has done even if it doesn't look like it. Even those people who go from privileged position to privileged position experience it eventually and tbh the later it happens the less equipped they are to deal with it. I hope this is the slant you are giving it to your daughter and not the fact that you have taken her rejection as a reflection of YOU.

@ROZ12

I know what you mean

You have healthy children, good job, nice house, great family and friends. Some people look at you and think you have it all. Count your lucky stars.

Nobody has it all. Behind closed doors, off social media, everybody has issues, insecurities, regrets, sorrow. If you buy into public expressions of other peoples' social lives you are allowing yourself to be played. You are making comparisons with things that simply don't exist,

Don't confuse surface glamour with inner happiness. Years ago, I was a new Mum with DD. Had a very happy marriage with DH. We'd just moved into a beautiful barn conversion. Had a brand new car on the drive. DD had a wardrobe full of Monsoon Baby clothes. A cleaner came twice a week so I didn't have to lift a finger. DH doted on me and DD. My life looked idyllic. It looked idyllic.

Inside I felt I was dying. I had terrible PND and just wanted to crawl into a grave and die. To this day, I find it very hard to look at photos from the time because even though DD and I are beautifully dressed, sitting in our beautiful home, my eyes look dead.

I did recover but it taught me to never equate material goods with inner contentment.

@ROZ12 honestly even if other people's lives seem great you have no idea what problems they might be hiding. If you looked at me you'd see nice house, happy marriage, kids doing well at grammar school but you wouldn't see my teenager's mental health problems that are currently grinding the family down. You wouldn't see a big house paid for by a mortgage people can't afford, or the hidden domestic abuse in people's lives. Nobody's life is perfect and anyway comparing yourself to others is pointless.

Maybe try (I know it's hard) to focus on what is good in your life, try keeping a gratitude journal or similar.

Some great advice on this thread, thanks for starting it OP.

BTW I call some people Nice Lifers, generally middle class, everything gone well in their life so far but no one knows what's round the corner I suppose. Also, in comparison to other places in the world we even as single parents are very fortunate, so it is always relative. One of the best gifts in life is health, that's what I keep in mind. Also life isnt fair is a lesson that hurts is it.