My DH just tried to order cocaine to our house!

[Imarriedanaddict]

Regular on here, name changed as don’t want this linked to my other posts in case I get outed.

The back story is that I got with my DH 9 years ago and found out he took cocaine. It’s not something I wanted in my life so ended things with us but he said he refused to let drugs ruin our relationship. I had made it clear that I didn’t like it and wouldn’t have it in my life and that it was a deal breaker. He stopped using and we stayed together and got more serious.

I gradually learnt that his cocaine use had actually been a pretty big issue but he was clean now so I wasn’t going to hold his past against him. (Yes I am aware I was probably very naive here)

A few years later I was pregnant with our first child and he slipped up and used one night. I was devastated, I made him sweat about us but in the end gave him another chance on the condition he knew it would be the end of us and our life together as a family if he ever touched it again. He agreed and also decided to change his phone number so he had no access to any contact numbers. We had our baby and have gone on to get married and have another baby.

About 2 months ago DH was getting really stressed out with work and juggling home life. It was really affecting his mental health. He went to the pub with some mates and he ended up going back to a mates house and taking some cocaine. He tried to deny it the next morning but he was so distraught he ended up confessing.

I was devastated that he’d done it but I was genuinely concerned for his mental well being that I didn’t push too hard. I had my concerns that he now had access to a number and it was only a matter of time before he did it again.

Significant changes were made to his work to reduce his stress and I’ve taken on as much as I can at home.

So to tonight, we’re all at home and DH has been drinking for a few hours, both children were in bed and I was just going to bed. Our eldest woke up crying in pain. We dealt with it together and then DH shut our bedroom door right up and went downstairs. He never does this as I need to listen out for the youngest who still wakes during the night. I then hear the front door open. Thinking DH had ordered more beer, I went down stairs to remind him he had to get up early with the kids. Nope turns out he was leaving money in the porch and had text a dealer. I didn’t catch him in the act or anything, he could have easily lied to me and said it was more beers but he confessed. I looked through his phone and he had sent one text asking if they were about and they replied saying yes. So he hadn’t actually ordered it yet but I know him leaving the money out means he was just about to.

I’ve asked why, I’ve asked what he was thinking, I’ve asked him to explain but I got nothing. He has then decided he is going to leave tonight as it’s best for everyone. But I won’t let him leave as it pretty much guarantees he will end up taking something and I’ll just be worried about him all night.

We’re currently going in a loop of him saying he is going to leave and me emotionally blackmailing him to stay as it’s the only thing he’ll listen to. He finally sits back down then it all starts again 20mins later. I won’t go to sleep until he gives in falls asleep so I know he isn’t going anywhere.

I don’t know what to do. I want to support him but all he ever says to me is there is no reason he does it, you’ll never understand. I don’t want this in my children’s lives or mine but I also love him and don’t want my children to lose out on their dad. I don’t want our marriage to be over.

Does anyone have any words of advice?

Your past behaviour has showed him that while you don't like him taking drugs it hasn't been a deal breaker. You have taken him back every time you have found out he's been using.

You have caught him out using several times. I have absolutely no doubt that there have been many, many other occasions when you haven't found out.

Do,you really think he could spontaneously locate a drug dealer who is willing to drop drugs round to your house with no prior knowledge of your husband?

If your husband needs coke delivered to his home during the night he is not an occasional social user, he is an addict.

If you take him back after this you are once again accepting and enabling his drug use. You are accepting that your children will live with a coke head and all that entails.

@TatianaBis

As I said modern dealing involves couriers to the house not the dealer themselves. This is fairly standard. People don’t go out to buy drugs in the street/dealer’s house any more.

I can't see that it makes any difference to the situation that a courier delivers the drugs. They aren't under the illusion that they are delivering paracetamol or pizzas. They are as much a part of the drugs industry and supply chain as the grower, the dealer and the myriad middlemen in between.

You not wanting to leave him is the same feeling he’s having for cocaine. You don’t want to give him up and he doesn’t want to give it up.
I guess once one or other of you give up the thing that’s holding you back you’ll be able to start again.

If you decide to give him another chance OP, I would insist on him giving up alcohol. IME alcohol leads to cocaine in those with a liking for it. Has he ever to your knowledge consumed it without drinking beforehand?

You need to tell him to leave unless you want to live like this, with drug dealers coming to your door while your babies sleep. He won't change and this problem is going nowhere. He'll be back once he's had his fix and he'll swear blind he'll never do it again. You'll believe he's telling the truth, because he is, until he needs another fix. That's the cycle and it will continue until you say enough is enough and end the relationship.

Like many other posters I've learnt the hard way that men like this don't change no matter how much effort you put into fixing them. You'll end up tiptoeing round him, changing your behaviour, changing your childrens' behaviour, trying desperately to 'support' him so he doesn't take drugs again. You'll end up a shell of yourself and he'll carry on exactly as before.

Not that this actually makes any difference, I really don’t think he is a regular user, but I know I’m naive and I could be wrong.

OP your husband and father of your children is called a 'junkie'. A junkie is someone addicted to drugs. Junkies tend to be manipulative. To be manipulative means that he is lying to you and trying to maneuver you to do what he wants via any means necessary.

The reason he kept getting up to leave with your circular conversation was because he was climbing the walls to access his drug of choice which in this case is cocaine.

OP he has never given up cocaine. What he heard when you said that you would leave and he would lose his family was 'wah wah wah wah wah wah wah.' His response, 'Yes dear will do what it takes.' Carries on as usual.

I can't believe that you haven't done any research into drug addiction whatsoever while bringing two children into this shitfest of a relationship. Your children's dad is a junkie OP. He has always been a junkie from the moment you met him and you are in denial.

You need to put your children first. Not you and not your husband but your children. No child needs a junkie for a dad. He needs to get into rehab and he needs to work seriously on his recovery. He's probably an alcoholic as well but I suppose you don't know what one of those are either.

There is info here on recovery from cocaine addiction: www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/drug-addiction-getting-help/

However, your husband is in the middle of a serious addiction and won't see that he needs help. Your ultimatums are absolutely useless OP because you don't stick by them. He knows you don't stick to them and the two of you are pretending this isn't happening because you are both in denial.

OP you need to divorce him.

Yes, addiction is an illness that he needs professional help with. But he is an adult, responsible for his own decisions- nobody else can treat his addiction for him, it has to come from within himself.

However, he has no reason to seek professional help at the moment, because he gets to bail out from his family responsibilities whenever he wants cocaine. And words are had, and he offers up lies and platitudes to his wife, and so it begins again. Sounds like he’s prepared to put up with a bit of nagging and engineered arguments to retain his comfortable life and access to coke-fuelled all-nighters.

My sympathy lies with the children in this scenario. It’s worth the OP seeking help from whatever health visitor/ family health services are available in her area, because it’s likely to be unsafe for the father to have unsupervised access to the children.

What are the chances of you catching him every single time he has slipped up? He must be the unluckiest man alive.

I hope everything works out.
I worked with addicts many years go and what I remember most is that cycles tend to repeat and can often spiral downwards. I think that things don't usually change unless we see ourselves as the ones with the power and ability to take control and change things for ourselves. It really isn't easy, but if you decide that making a change is the way to go, once the first step is taken, it often gets easier. You could have a chat with your GP maybe? They may be able to offer support and there are drug counselling services that they can point you towards, or you can access them directly yourself, (from NHS website) if you felt you wanted advice about addiction. All the best.

I'm sorry. Once is a mistake. Thereafter its habit.
Don't get treated like it.
He will never change.
Don't emotionally black mail him.
Let him go he clearly doesn't respect you.
How long have you been married.

I... gave him another chance on the condition he knew it would be the end of us and our life together as a family if he ever touched it again.

And since then he's done it again and again and again (including no doubt many times you don't know about. You gave him an ultimatum and he carried on anyway. You know what you have to do.

@Tea3

He needs to quit the alcohol too as it's a gateway..

This. I was going to say the same.

I don't use drugs now but way back in the day before i had children the only time I ever felt inclined to take cocaine was after I'd been drinking.

I'm sorry,OP-you must be so upset. I don't have any words of wisdom I can share other than wishing you and your children the best and hopefully your husband can seek treatment for his addiction, and if not I hope you have support for the future.

@tiredanddangerous No, to text a dealer asking if they're about doesn't mean are you near me, it means are they active at the moment.

In my experience they just get sneakier about hiding their habit and the knock on effect just of him lying and being duplicitous will keep on wearing you down. You deserve better than this weak willed man who keeps letting you and your children down.

I really hope you managed to get some sleep. You asked for words of advice? Here are mine:

Run. Separate. Your kids are young, I know it's hard....I know it's easy me saying this, but separate.

He may use the time apart to really work hard at becoming clean etc....but that will ONLY happen IF HE WANTS TO*!!!

He may do what my XH did...and use it as a time to party/get high/pickle his liver in alcohol and make damned sure his life falls into complete freefall. My XH didn't want to stop drinking or stop taking drugs. They were more important to him than his wife and family. He would pay lip service and say what I wanted to hear, but really would be laughing behind my back. He never thought I'd call time on things, and he couldn't believe that after a 6month period of drugs, alcohol and fucking off with another woman, that I wouldn't have him back! Of course, he kept lying and saying that he didn't do x, y and z.

NB my kids were 12 and 5 when we split. I wish to God I did it/split earlier. Much earlier. Did I love him? Of course I did. I still do in a weird way. But I won't stick around and give any more years to someone who put me/the kids through hell. It's one of my biggest regrets.

*I promise you, you can beg, cajole, shout, scream, plead, cry, get on your knees and beg, try to see things from their point of view, issue ultimatums, micromanage, send them to expensive residential rehab, take them to the meetings for AA, NA, CA etc etc. You can run yourself ragged for them. If they don't want to stop, then nothing in this world will make them stop.

I wish you all the very best. xxx

PS it's not your fault. He may try and swing that one on you. It's really not your fault, and there is nothing you could have done differently to stop him using. xxx

In my experience this will always be a risk if he drinks - he can't make a promise that his drunk self will be able to keep.

Depending on all the other circumstances not known here, if you really want the relationship to work he needs to go t-total if it has any chance.

Is he still out? I'd have the locks changed.

Does every middle class wanker sipping their Pinot do so as a gateway?

Er, no.

Sorry OP for what you are going through.

@sadperson16

Does every middle class wanker sipping their Pinot do so as a gateway?

Er, no.

Sorry OP for what you are going through.

This! Fucking ridiculous.

Here’s a couple of things I think are happening based on my experiences with drug users:

1. He’s never stopped. He thinks it’s no big deal, it’s like having a few drinks and so long as it is just the odd night out you don’t find out it’s all good.
2. You don’t order coke to your house because you feel stressed unless you’re already an addict. What was he planning to do, stay up alone all night doing coke? Take it during the day? The most positive explanation was that he was going to save it until the next time he was out socially but then why buy it now? If he’s doing coke alone then he needs more help than you an give him. NA would be helpful if he’s willing.

OP this is really tough for you.

Have you got good support in real life? You will need to tell someone and to have help on hand for you.

Whatever you decide about him and your marriage and protecting the children - all roads ahead are uphill and rocky for a while.

Is there anyone on here who has experience to offer - of living with a partner's addiction like this?

I’m a recovering cocaine addict and a lot of the previous posters clearly have no experience of this substance and they’re being quite cruel.

It’s extremely addictive and it’s not just being “weak willed” it is a physical and mental addiction. Trying it the first time was really stupid but I don’t have a time machine to go back and undo it. Your husband probably doesn’t either.

I am SO grateful for my partner’s support and being able to talk to him about it. With his support I got some help and cut down on drinking and now I rarely get tempted and I haven’t touched it in a long time. Your husband might find that drinking less / not drinking at all for a while helps him to quit.

I totally understand that you don’t want him around your children when he is high. By all means divorce him if you’re unhappy - but I hope you don’t call him names and demonise him like some of the posters on here.

He isn't a bad person, but what action is he actually prepared to take? Reducing stress isn't the solution. Learning how to cope with stress and whatever else triggers his need to do this "occasionally" is. There's a difference between sticking by someone willing and able to change and just putting up with their empty promises.