MIL- would this annoy you?

[CatherineMorland]

MIL spent 1st few months of DS’ life telling everyone that he had Uncle X’s nose, his Daddy’s eyes, his grandad’s ears. Never anything about me or my side of the family. It culminated in her pronouncing that my DS is “a [insert her surname] through and through”.

This hurt as I have no DP to redress the balance. To this day no one has ever pointed out a resemblance between me and DS.

I dealt with it by spending less time with MIL. However DS is now 6 and to his every achievement MIL responds “Well his granny was good at that in her time. We are good at X as a family” etc etc. Every. Single. Bloody. Time.

From art (I’m an artist FFS) to sport achievements, that it always her response.

It’s as though DS’ achievements can’t be his, she makes it about herself every time. I have now seen DS looking deflated when she does this.

I finally told DH how much it grates on me, but he couldn’t wouldn’t see it.

Would this bother you, or am I over sensitive?

This would annoy me too! Sounds just like my MIL...

Just be more assertive if you feel it’s done deliberately to minimise you.

Example -

No, don’t be silly he takes after me as I always do that!

Or

You are funny, he’s nothing like XXX name!

Or how about -

Stop comparing him to you and the rest of your mob/family! He has a few traits from BOTH sides of the family but he is a wonderful and unique, now give it a rest as you just sound daft.

It is very irritating. I had this with my first son and it particularly grated on me as it was from the very start. I was recovering from a very traumatic birth and I felt like they were claiming him. I can mostly laugh it off now as it is so ridiculous. Last year she said ‘oh he’s got Sarah’s (dh’s cousin) blonde hair. I (his MOTHER ffs) have blonde hair. He has my blonde hair not Sarah’s.

My second son is basically a clone of me and sometimes she even tries it with him 😂

When your ds does his wonderful things, tell him how great he is, he's done it himself and not to let anyone tell him different. Make him proud of his achievements. Then tell him before you see her that it doesn't matter what MIL says, this is his talent, his achievement and you think he is lovely/brilliant/clever/funny etc.

When she next comes out with the usual well of course I did xyz, pipe up very quickly with yes but that was a LONG time ago and ds did this himself, didn't you ds? And mum and dad are very proud of you, as I'm sure battleaxe granny is really, she just forgets to say so.

Hopefully this will nudge her into saying well done.

Unfortunately I had a MiL similar to yours. Tried saying dd1 looked the image of SiL - similar colouring (same as my dh, and also my dad & sis) & the only photo ever displayed of dd1 for a short time was one taken with SiL. It felt like she was trying to remove any likeness of me or my family. Yet other people thought she was the image of my mum!

My late MIL was exactly the same. It used to annoy me as well. Thankfully she only did it with DS1, her first grandchild. Funny thing is, DS1 is the image of me, always has been.

It sounds like a self esteem issue on your Mils part. He's obviously completely and utterly yours but she's trying to knit herself (and her family) into him. Iykwim.

She doesn't need to state the elements that liken him to you. You're his mother. He's part of you. You gave birth to him. But she's trying to strengthen what links him to her.

But, yes, I can see why you find it annoying.

OP..When I was born I looked like my dad. Growing up in a small village everyone knew our family and everyone said I was 'a chip off the old block' etc etc..

My grandmother loved looking after me. I was her favourite. I couldn't help that. She was nice to all of us but my relationship with her was more like mother and daughter.
I do look like my dad. I can't help that.

My mother hated it and let me know in no uncertain terms that there was a pecking order at home in terms of her affections. Four of us and me being the last was the norm.

I grew up knowing she preferred the others. I could not help how things turned out, I was just a child. My grandmother never said anything like your mother in law does but just her relationship with me was enough to make my mother hate her and ultimately - me.

You learn all sorts of lessons in life and some of them are hard.

My own children are all different and all of them loved. Life can be difficult for children in situations like this because they have no voice

Of course she sees resemblance to her family - she's hardly like to notice resemblance to yours, is she? There's no need to be so touchy about it.

@katy1213

Of course she sees resemblance to her family - she's hardly like to notice resemblance to yours, is she? There's no need to be so touchy about it.

What would make that unlikely?

Saying the kid takes his art skills after her family when his mum’s an artist is pretty funny OP. She’s embarrassing herself, I would openly laugh at her.

I would just say "you do remember that I am an artist don't you?". Honestly I think that kind of thing is common. When I was young my gran would always be saying "oh yes Fanta is so like her mother and definitely a jones". I don't look like her side of the family and I am 90% like my father in temperament. My mil will say her grandchild takes after her side of the family and this that and the other are the same etc. I would just basically say oh yeah whatever!.

There are many variations of this behaviour, it feels too trivial to call it out but it is a bif annoying.

My MIL enjoys being utterly baffled where my son gets his 'unusual' looks from (cue hilarious comments, "are you sure he's actually yours?" etc). Even though I have actually showed her childhood photos of male members of my family showing these are inherited traits from side! She still remains baffled. She can't handle the idea that my family may have any dominant genes.

I just nod along and agree, because I know she only does it because she wants to feel a.deep connection with this brand new little person in her family, and I have to love her for that.

I also do enjoy occasionally winding her up about my toddler being extremely mischievous, noisy, and strong-willed. All traits she disapproves of in small children. I love to speculate on which member of her family he got those traits from! And then watch her head explode as she tries to argue her way out of that. I think she knows I'm teasing her.

If it is affecting your son, make a little joke of it with him. For example when he does something silly at home, like sneeze very loudly, or trip over, or burp, or insist on wearing odd socks, do an impression of Granny would say that's her family through and through and wiggle your eyebrows a lot and giggle. He will learn that the comment is silly and meaningless and it will roll off him more easily.

And when granny says it, I definitely agree with PP who said to reply, "well that was an age ago and this achievement is all his own, and I'm sure you are as proud as we are."

As annoying as it may seem, it's actually a subconscious, primal thing. I did some studying on this when I was at university. It's because paternal grandparents cannot be certain of their genetic link to the child in the same way as maternal grandparents can (I'm not saying they consciously think the baby isn't fathered by their son). By comparing the babies looks/characteristics etc to that of their family they are strengening the bond with the baby and establishing a genetic link. Doesn't make it any less annoying but I thought you might find that another way to look at it.

My DD1 when born was a clone of DH, if I hadn’t given birth I might have doubted I was her mother. Now 20 odd years later as an adult whilst she still has some traits and looks of his family she has many more of mine.

However my MIL is really bad at the comparisons even more so with her younger grandchildren and with her memory failing, there is one of my DN that she particularly picks on and like the OPs DS she really notices now and feels awkward. Unfortunately not one member of her family will call her out on this (or any other bad behaviour) but that is another story and why I love lockdown just a tiny bit.

My MIL used to do this. So every time DD was naughty, had a little meltdown, strop etc I’d say ‘aww look, there’s your side of the family coming out’ 🤣 Eventually she stopped.

Oh god my mother does this. So horrendously embarrassing. One of my kids is very good at music. DH also is excellent at music and taught himself to play the piano. I have zero musical talent, nor does anyone in my family. My mother: oh yes well one of my aunts was very musical you know, so we definitely have musical talent in the family. Every single achievement or talent she will link back to her family, even when DH is right there in front of her.

She can’t claim their looks though as they are both the spitting image of DH.

My MIL is like this as well, everything comes back to their family. Say one of the kids has tripped and hurt themselves, oh that's from me I'm afraid I'm so clumsy. One is good maths oh that's from your auntie etc. They can never just do things in their own rights! It's very annoying.

When DS was little MIL would say ‘isn’t he clever he must take after his dad’ . DH pulled her up on it and after a while she changed it to ‘must take after his gran’!
She was also convinced that he looked exactly like DH even though he was the spitting image of me including the colour of my eyes which are a different colour to DH’s.

I would find this slightly irritating, yes. It's not a massive deal though.

My MIL is like this. I deal with it by getting in first and pointing out the negative things. E.g. one the DC's is throwing a tantrum 'oh that's such an x family trait, he's just like uncle x etc'

I'm in the exact same situation, my MIL does this and no-one has ever said how my kids take after me so I do it. I've kept photos in my bag and every time she says 'x looks like x in my family I say 'really? I'm not sure he looks so much like my brother' (whips out photo). Or any talents I claim to be from our family. It has shut her up and you've just made me realise she hasn't done it for a while 🤣🤣🤣

I think the resemblance as a baby thing is fair enough - people say this stuff. It’s basically meaningless as it really doesn’t make the slightest difference to anything whose nose he has and the baby is fairly obviously yours. It’s not her job to point out resemblances to you and your family. The baby doesn’t care. Just ignore it.

The point where she’s basically negating all your son’s interests and achievements though is not on - he is his own person and he doesn’t need Granny telling him everything he does is a weird extension of her/her family.

Most gp's do this. My ds is a clone of his dad so hard to refute. An aunt of mine did hunt out a photo of me as a baby to prove there was some likeness to me.

I agree that you should point out that your dc is a unique person as are we all.
His talents are as a result of his genetic make up, how he uses them will influence his achievements in life.

My MIL did this a bit but in a kind of "thank GOD she's stayed blonde like her father" way. She's said to me and DP how disappointed she is her other grandchild looks just like his mum, her DIL, so if she makes any comments like that I just say "gosh wouldn't it be awful if she looked like me" then follow with a sweet smile so she can't accuse me of being sarcastic. I would just keep addressing it as and when it bothers you.